Please help me...

[Desperatedaddy]

Hello everyone - please help me. This is the first time I have ever used a forum/vehicle like this one to ask for help, but I am on my knees and hope there is someone out there who can help me. In summary, I am a seperated dad with the most amazing 3yr old son. I seperated from my partner of 6 years, 2 years ago now. We were engaged to be married, and were blessed with the most amazing gift in the form of our son. I ended our relationship, which was the single most difficult decision I have ever made in my life, and it was not made lightly. I have spent the past 2 years doing everything possible and everything in my power to show that I want to be an active, involved, loving and caring father for our son and that the decision to end a relationship is unrelated to my committment as a father. I was there every step of the way through my ex partners pregnancy, was there every moment of my sons birth and have been there ever since from all perspective including of course financial support (it is not even a question, and never will be), child care support etc. The desperate situation I find myself in is that despite 2 years of hard work, several mediation sessions (I initiated them, paid for them etc.) and quite literally begging on my part, there are many examples of visitation arrangements, contact arrangements, holidays, phone calls etc. that have been broken, breached and disregarded. I have tried everything on this earth possible to avoid courts and contact orders because I love my son, want his mom (who is a good mother to our soon, I hasten to add) to do well and just want to get on with being brilliant parents. I feel that I now need help, and that the court is the only option to issue a contact order to protect the very precious little time my son has with his dad. I live 1 mile from my son, have never, ever, ever missed a single appointment, a single moment of time together, a single phone call etc. etc.

Does anyone have any advice for me? My heart is broken, and I feel like I continue to be punished through the medium of my son's access to me and I can't see an end in sight. I am so desperately in need of help. Please share any experiences you have or know of with me and offer me some help...

NO, Hathor, I don't think you did the wrong thing. You have explained that if you hadn't left the way you did, you would have killed your EX and that would have been much worse for your children.

So, the point of 'what happened to make the OP leave' isn't related to you at all.

I can only approach this from my own PoV, which is I look after and have full repsonsiblity for my children. If I am late home, I don't expect him to mind, if I take them away for a weekend, I don't expect him to complain. Obviously, it's not a problem for us because we are together, but I would be seriously resistant if he decided to change the goal posts and tell me where and when I needed to be places because it was 'his' time.

My XP is a good mum, I couldn't really put up with her shagging other men or her gas lighting. And if I had had to answer questions about the break up of the relationship, and qualify my posts, whilst desperately asking for advice on my XP's obstruction to my seeing dd on MN I'd probably have left and looked for a more supportive egalitarian forum.

I think we can take for granted that there is bitterness in a break up. What happened in the OP's life is nobodies business unless he wishes to talk about it. It has no bearing on helping him find a solution with his relationship with his ds.

These are not questions asked of women on this forum.

well said MrGin (and not just 'cos of your name )

tsk, tsk MrGin - of course we ask women these questions too - but mostly we don't have to, because that would have been in the opening post!!

SAF - I am putting forward a different point of view to you. It's not all about me, but my situation is actually pretty similar - except I'm a woman. And not one person has said "what about your ex i'd like to know what he would say"

Also, lordy, if you and your partner split, then by necessity the goal posts move and it becomes different.

I have to have my kids at my ex when the court says so. End of. That's his time, I have to do that. That's not changing the goal posts, that's co-parenting after a split.

PostBellumBugsy - I agree

Hathor - No, they would not. If my DH ever decides that the grass is greener elsewhere, then he decides that in the full knowledge that the children, their care, arrangements etc., remain with me. He knows how I parent. I've done it extremely successfully for the last 4 years and we're happy with that (** before you jump down my throat, I also am a SM and I know what DH is like as a NRP and I know that he would completely agree / go along with my requirements + DS has some SN some continuation of routine is extremely important to him). I am more than happy to admit that this colours my judgement. But, NO... my life would not change and 'H' (for he would not be DH if we split) would deal with 'I will see my children when it is convenient for them. Not me'

Oohlordy - you may find that a judge does not agree with you.

And for the record, there's nothing in the OP that says that the Op decided the grass was greener elsewhere - he just decided the relationship didn't work is all we know.

Hathor - Just to confirm: I looked after my children alone (DH away 5 days a week) for the first 3 years. He now, perhaps, sees them for a hours at the weekend. He does not do any activities with them. I do not see this as a problem. I had a similar relationship with my father (was away for months on end in the navy). He didn't 'do' anything with me, but I always knew he loved me. Just as my children know their father loves them.

Oohlordy - and your point is?

Things change on separation and what you think your DH might agree with now will almost certainly not be what happens on separation.

Well, there's a Lone Mum with Twins thread ( for example ) I don't see any conditional support based on her giving answers as to why she broke up, or any questions relating to the OP about her XP and the situation surrounding it.

She has a problem, solutions and support is offered. A man has a problem and he faces the inquisition. Again I wouldn't take this line unless I'd seen it happen over again when men post. I find it quite depressing.

I'll shut up now.

From what I understand it, each individual case will be different - but, children have a right to see their parents.

If the legal process / courts are involved then their priority is for children to see their parents wherever possible & in safe circumstances. Usually, this requires a degree of compromise from the parents - who tend to polarise and become inflexible as communications break down!

Actually, Hathor, that's exactly my point.

THe OP, clearly, feels that he can change all the goal posts in relation to his child's upbringing, but feels his ExP has to accomodate all of these changes 'for the good of the child' without any hassle to his own life. She appears to disagree.

My point is that the ExP isn't under a CO to demand she does XY or Z. Until a CO is ordered, then quite honestly, she can do what she wants, can't she? ANd why should she? She didn't change the goal posts. SHe didn't agree to them.

Surely, it doesn't take 2 years to work that out and think about going for a CO.

Of course, legally, he only has to pay for his child. Not his exP. So easy to get a job when you've had a child, been dumped and had your world turned upside down in the space of a year.

I agree with MrGin and exit the thread at this point. I hope OP gets some support from somewhere and hope this experience hasn't made him feel even worse.

This was a heartbroken guy don't forget.

Just as well judges don't care about all this emotive stuff & just try to ensure the child gets to see both parents. None of this should be about the relationship that the OP had with his ex-P, it should be about the relationship that both parents have with the child. That is what matters going forward & the child has a right to see their parents - both of them!

THe OP, clearly, feels that he can change all the goal posts in relation to his child's upbringing

How on earth did you come to that conclusion ?!

Honestly. It disgusting the way this thread has gone.

< flounces >

if the op was that bothered he'd have sought a CO by now. you can get, fill in and submit the application and get the process started online!

these threads always strike me as odd because would any woman here leave it 2 years of broken contact etc before seeking a CO? of course not.

and it is true that unless he gets a court order she is not obligated to do anything other than look after her child and create a stable home life and solid bond with her child despite having been walked out on at a very vulnerable moment as a new mum. her priority is looking after her child, her home, her finances and her sanity.

i dont' know how many people on here have had someone they thought they could trust walk out on them when they were looking after an infant. i haven't - i did it solo from the start and all you can focus on is you and your child and your mental health and routine etc. it must be very much harder work when you're also dealing with the hurt of break up.

let him go get a CO.

Oohlordy - where on earth do you get those conclusions from?

Where on earth is it writ in stone that you have to stay in a relationship that makes you miserable?

Where on earth are you getting the information about the OP's relationship set up to make all those statements from?

How do you know there is no hassle to his life?

How do you know what his exP's views are?

Do you know the OP in RL?

CAlm down Hathor - I Said this morning that I was making a million assumptions on this thread because (1) the OP hasn't given any more information and (2) I have been through something similar and therefore have a view.

Agree wholeheartedly with SAF.

I've said this before but for the avoidance of doubt:

1. The OP left the family home
2. The OP has not chalenged the child's residency with the mother
3. The OP has not sought the help of courts

As far as I can see, his ExP isn't doing anything illegal. She is not doing anything wrong at all. Apart from upsetting the OP by not answering the phone at the appointed hour or being in the appointed place at the appointed hour. Just as well he isn't married to me, cos he'd be advised not to hold his breath.

And, please, no one shout at me 'but the courts would say' because the OP doesn't want to bother the courts with his heart break and being on his knees and all, so I don't need to worry about that.

FWIW, I'm not saying this is right, but it is a PoV. A perfectly valid and legal one. ANd one I have seen used.

swallowed, there are alot of non-resident parents out there, who don't immediately pursue court orders. They wait, try mediation, try negotiating, hope that the situation may improve before they go to court. For most people it is a last resort, rather than an early intervention.

But it's not about you.

Or the ex-partner.

It's about the right of the child to have a relationship with their father.

Which the mother of the child morally and legally should not obstruct.

living alone with a baby is full on - i know that from experience. the first few years is demanding. i should imagine it is much harder for women who didn't chose to be a single parent. it's safe to say she's had her hands full.

all he has to do is apply for a court order.

and if a man was the rp lone parent of twins and asked for help people would fall over themselves to help him.

And at risk of making it about me, I didn't go to court immediately.

I tried. And tried. And tried. And tried some more to make an amicable arrangement with my ex.

But eventually it had to go to court.

of course it's about 'you' when you're the sole carer for a baby! if 'you' aren't ok the baby isn't ok. it isn't a thing that can be handed about and dealt with separately - it is entirely dependent upon it's mother and her mental, physical and emotional health.