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ex refusing take DS swimming lessons and football on his weekends

114 replies

Happylander · 24/02/2012 15:46

My ex wanted contact every other weekend and I agreed with this and he agreed to take him to his swimming lessons and football lessons that I pay for. DS was going to both of these prior to split and really enjoys them. Ex is now saying he won't take him and is going for a contact order to get everything official. This is despite him not turning up on more than 2 occasions to see him and going on holiday over christmas with OW rather than spend any of his annual leave with DS!! I have now said that he won't see DS if he won't take him to these activities and as he has continually threatened me with court he can now wait until court order is in place. Getting very very tired of his constant threats now.

Solicitor has said a judge would rule that DS carries on going to both activities as they were already on place before ex left for OW. Does anyone else have any experience of this?

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south345 · 24/02/2012 15:52

Can you change swimming to midweek? I know you shouldn't have to but might solve the problem for one of the activities.

Happylander · 24/02/2012 15:56

No I can't change either of them. He was happy to take him when we were together so not sure why he is refusing now.

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cestlavielife · 24/02/2012 16:09

well if he wont turn up anyway then problem will be sorted?

i am not sure court would want to include this ni an order - probably you would just havto rely on DS appealing to dad to take him to the clubs he loves....

and you cant deny contact beacuse of this really

NatashaBee · 24/02/2012 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 24/02/2012 17:04

I would do exactly as you have done. Make sure you have everything written down, texts/emails kept, just in case it does get as far as court.

He was going before you split and his Dad was taking him - clearly his Dad feels he has better things to do now, tough shit. I'd have some sypathy if you had just signed him up to something new and hadn't asked his Dad, but in this situation he can suck it up or go to court.

purpleroses · 24/02/2012 17:54

Can you ask him what the problem is? It might help you to know whether there is actually some practical difficulty getting him to the activities, or whether your ex is just being difficult because he's feeling that he's having his time with his DS dictated for him.

Can you split the weekend? So you have every Saturday and your ex every Sunday (or whatever woiuld work, meaning that you'd have him on his activity day)

I'm not sure how it would go in court tbh - would imagine that the judge would be able to see both sides of the issue, especially if you ex does put up some reasonable practical issue why it's now diffficult to get DS to his activities.

SoupDragon · 24/02/2012 17:57

I posted on your other thread abut this.

From experience, a court will say that the child's activities are a priority.

SoupDragon · 24/02/2012 17:57

And this was a case where the X moved a good 45 minute journey away from the family home.

PinkCarBlueCar · 24/02/2012 18:28

gotta say, I'm with cestla on this - him not wanting to take his DS to swimming and football isn't a reason to stop contact, and it's DS who'll loose. (and you if it gets to court - your ex will get contact).

Can he have his contact after the lessons? Or as purple says, ask him flat out what the problem is so you can find a solution, which may be to have the contact after the lessons.

fuzzywuzzy · 24/02/2012 18:47

My experience has also been that court prefers continuity for children, unless he has a valid reason to not take DS to the activities.

Happylander · 24/02/2012 19:33

He says I can not tell him what to do with DS when he has him. He is in the Army and lives in barracks and is based 2.5 hours away and so has to stay in hotel or with relatives when he has DS. I am unsure why he has decided that he is not gong to take him now really. I have no problem with ex having contact but I do have a problem with DS missing out on activities I pay for and ex was more than happy for him to take him to when we were together. It has been part of his routine now for nearly a year plus we live by the sea and so I consider him learning to swim as rather important. I have even said to ex that every 4th time he has him he can miss both those activities but this is now not good enough and he wants to not take him at all. I can't understand this attitude as both benefit our DS.

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DollyTwat · 24/02/2012 19:44

I feel your pain Happy, my ex used to do this. It means you end up paying for activities they only attend half the time.

I had to negotiate that contact started after swimming on a Sunday.
Was the only way.

They do it to fuck you off
Don't let him win

Happylander · 24/02/2012 20:07

I am not going to let him win and he is doing it to fuck me off and I also think the OW is probably saying that I can not tell him what to do rather than see that these things are for the benefit of DS. There are some weekends I would rather not go to these things but I still take my DS.

I mean what do NRP do when kids want to play for teams at the weekend and have invites to parties etc do they just prevent their kids from doing these things because they don't want to take them or have moved away from area?? Seems very unfair on the kids.

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ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 24/02/2012 20:16

It is nothing to do with the activities or everything to do with 'control'. He wants it and can't have it. Tough. If it was something to do with the timing or the activities or something he would talk to you - but 'I don't want to' is not a good reason. Let him see that you will not be bullied by him, stand your ground. It is not about stopping contact because of the activities, it's simply about letting him know that he needs to act reasonably.

As for other NRP - some do, some don't. Depends on a lot of factors but mainly how selfish the NRP is or how unrealistic the RP is if they have just signed the up without seeing if it fits in with the NRP.

FannyBazaar · 24/02/2012 20:17

My ex was inconsistent about my DS going to his activities. Ex would not see DS for months and no communication, so not possible to have a discussion prior to booking activities. I tried to arrange contact so that he could see DS after his activity or before if he was not going to reliably take him. Ex actually offered to pay me for the cost of the activity on the days that DS missed but I explained that it was booked as a course and not attending regularly means that DS will not progress at the same rate as others.

DollyTwat · 24/02/2012 20:19

You mustn't show him it gets to you. It's a game worth playing if it works
So, if you can have a conversation about what the role if a parent is. At weekends it's mostly being a taxi driver. That's part of life.

If you can't have that conversation you'll have to arrange contact around the activities. If you can mOve some of them then do that but let him know that you are trying, how difficult it is, perhaps he could look for classes he'd be happy to take dc to, that sort of thing.

Happylander · 24/02/2012 20:27

Unfortunately I have not been very good at not showing him he gets to me but I am getting better. I am so fed up of the constant threats of court that I have told him to go for it. Do they ever stop being arseholes?

Definitely can't have that conversation with him as any phone contact ends up in arguments. I can't move the classes as I work shifts during the week and the classes aren't run in the week when I can take him. Plus the football is only on on a Sunday and this was the class he was very very keen to get him onto at the beginning of last year and as soon as he was old enough we took him. I don't think he actually wants to do any of the mundane parent stuff and never even bothered turning up the other weekend because he went to some function with OW.

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PigletUnrepentant · 24/02/2012 20:31

Honest answer? move the classes to the weekdays, you should not dictate what the other parent do with his contact time.

I have seen such a formidable fallout of a divorced couple, after years of both parents being forced to take children to classes during each other time without the agreement of the other parent.

Whatever the children were getting out of the classes was NEVER enough to justify living in the middle of constant animosity, aggressiveness and ultimately pure hate between the parents, most of it stemming from the constant argument about extra curricular activities.

Just think the things the other way around... you have your child only once every other weekend, you want to take them to the park, for a walk, to visit family away of the city or just enjoy a day out with the family... but you can't, because that time is not really yours, it is already compromised with activities.

And yes, a judge would rule for the activities to continue.. or not. It all depends on the case, how well each solicitor presents their case, the judge itself, and the position of the moon. That is the thing with English family law, there is nothing written in stone (or in paper for that matter).

However, I think there is one thing most judges would agree with: the parent that blocks contact is the one who is perceived as the aggressor that needs to be brought in line (or the badie, in more plain terms).

PigletUnrepentant · 24/02/2012 20:32

BTW, I just read the first post, so apologies in advance if the position has moved in other direction. Blush

DollyTwat · 24/02/2012 20:33

Ok it's about control and making life difficult for you. So stop letting him achieve his goal. Even if you are really upset
Don't reply to fuckwittery texts or emails

So you make it clear he goes to football
If ex isn't willing to take him then he'll have to see him afterwards

Tell him how it's going to be. Don't explain or engage
If he's anything like my ex he will keep threatening court just to upset you so tell him you're l

DollyTwat · 24/02/2012 20:35

Sorry iPhone posted too soon!

Say you're looking forward to sorting it properly in court
He probably won't want the contact he says he wants anyway

Keep strong and start building up your network of backup childcare for when he lets you down

Happylander · 24/02/2012 20:38

I think you need to read my last post as I clearly stated I can't move the classes and there is times at the weekends that I want to do other things but I do what is best for DS. I have also stated that every 4th time he has him he can miss the classes and do what he likes. My time at the weekend isn't really mine either as I take DS to these classes and so I can't take him away to see friends or family. These are classes he wanted him to go when we were together and if I had been the one that walked away I would continue to take him to these classes so no I can't see his point of view at all. Parenting isn't all about doing what the parent wants but what is good for your child and learning to swim when the sea is at the end of my road is bloody important to me and it should be to his dad too.

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purpleroses · 24/02/2012 20:40

Rather surprised by the number of posters here advsing you to lay down the law, tell him how it's going to be, etc.

If you tell him what he has to do at the weekends that are technically his contact time, he's going to go on getting arsy with you and threatening court.

You have 4 options:

  • find some way of swapping his activities to times when it is your contact - eg midweek and a friend takes him or something.
  • agree some compromises to the times of contact so it fits around activities that you want him to do
  • accept that he only gets to do his activities altenate weeks (or possibly a bit more if contact doesn't always happen
  • both continue digging your heals in and let the courts fight it out. Then go back to court every time somethinmg changes in your DS's life and you need to alter things. Fight and squbble for the next 10 years causing your DS far more harm than the activities could ever do him good.
DollyTwat · 24/02/2012 20:40

Piglet I see what you're saying but its not really fair in the child if they have regular activities and the nrp just can't be bothered to take them

It's all part of parenting.

My ex used to say that sick children needed to be with their mum and wouldnt take them! So he only wanted them nicely dressed, well, with no plans or demands

Happylander · 24/02/2012 20:42

dollytwat I have told him exactly that but couldn't resist adding that I am sure a judge is going to love hearing about the times he has refused to have him and not bothered turning up due to pissing it up with OW blah blah. I know I should not rise to him but I was furious as as far as I was concerned contact was all sorted. I had plans for this weekend which have now changed but luckily I live close to family so I can still go to friends 50th Grin

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