ex refusing take DS swimming lessons and football on his weekends

[Happylander]

My ex wanted contact every other weekend and I agreed with this and he agreed to take him to his swimming lessons and football lessons that I pay for. DS was going to both of these prior to split and really enjoys them. Ex is now saying he won't take him and is going for a contact order to get everything official. This is despite him not turning up on more than 2 occasions to see him and going on holiday over christmas with OW rather than spend any of his annual leave with DS!! I have now said that he won't see DS if he won't take him to these activities and as he has continually threatened me with court he can now wait until court order is in place. Getting very very tired of his constant threats now.

Solicitor has said a judge would rule that DS carries on going to both activities as they were already on place before ex left for OW. Does anyone else have any experience of this?

Why don't you just reply and say, that would be lovely if he wants to see him after his football?

Why did he move 2 1/2 hours away?

As a father myself, I can't understand why they do this.
I'd be living in the same area as my children.

purpleroses OP has asked him to see DS after football and he has ignored her.

I have badgered him and now he is saying that he is going to see friends tomorrow. They live further away than we do but he has no problem driving all that way to see them but thinks it is too far to come and see his son for the day!

He did not move as such. He is in the Army and suggested that we move back to my hometown when DS was born and lived in barracks during week and came home at weekends. It made him very easy to get together with the OW.

Sorry, haven't read whole thread. But just to add that when me and XP went to mediation and he refused to do things like this or swop when childrens parties cropped up he was given a stern talking to by the mediation officer who said the childrens activities / friendships and routines came first.

He refused to budge and doesn't see them anymore.

It sounds like he's been like this before with his ds so you have a good idea of how he will behave towards you. The contactvorder is a stick to beat you with

If I had to travel 5 hr round trip to see my dc, stay in a hotel overnight etc I would have expected to have the time spend with me (as the parent) and not doing various activities. I appreciate they was in place before the breakdown, but I equally believe that the world does not revolve around "activities" and this is not always the 'priority' you are focusing on.

I think by raising the temperature and upping the level of confrontation you are really not helping your ds, neither of you. I would be desperately trying to find a compromise and stop this silly war for control.

"not doing various activities."
Correction - of course doing various activities, but the problem is that this swimming and football does not actually involve the parent, does it?

Ug I get grief when my dd wants to go to a party or she has a performance/rehearsal to her hobby she has been doing for 8 years - 3 before the split. I dont understand why NRP cant except these things as part of childhood.
I have to give up my time and weekends for them too after all!
Yes I know she lives with me but by the time she has her access to her dad, Ive worked, done her hobbys I get one day a week where its not just getting her too school fed,homework and bed! I dont complain or say she cant go to her clubs because she has done them for so long its part of who she is.

I personally would insist on swimming lessons, my 2 did crash courses in the holidays as a compromise to stop the weekend issue. These not only work out cheaper but they learned to swim far better - Football is very much a weekend thing and I am so glad DS hated it! I chose to do this because I believe its my duty to try and make the childrens life less complicated and giving them all opportunity's to see their dad.

Dual Parenting is very much about compromise, he will have to learn this if he wants to continue seeing his child. Its a tough thing for all parents to do, compromise with some one they would rather just disappeared.

My son rarely sees his dad by his own choice now, Im lead to believe this is quite common when the child is disrupted too much. Encourage him to see his son, the heartbreak when your son realises/thinks he isnt really wanted is not something you want to go through believe me :(

bemybebe

Learning to swim, especially when the beach is at the end of the street - is important. His father certainly thought so when he lived with him. His lesson is probably no more than 40 mins.

Many little boys like playing football - why shouldn't he be allowed to join a team just because his feckless father has fucked off with another woman and moved away?? Feckless Father didn't even bother with him at all over Christmas & now he doesn't want to see him until a court order is in place - he's hardly gagging to spend every minute with him is he?? Dads (& Mums, but largely Dad's) have been bonding over taking their kids and watching them play footy for decades. It's hardly like he's taking him to somewhere he can't go in for an entire day. His DS will probably be actually playing footy for around 30 mins, it's hardly a huge imposition on the time they spend together.

It is all about control - it has nothing to do with wanting to spend every minute with him - stop making excuses for this giant waste of oxygen.

FallenPetal - because they are selfish bastards -that's why.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee - couldnt agree more.

"I think by raising the temperature and upping the level of confrontation you are really not helping your ds, neither of you. I would be desperately trying to find a compromise and stop this silly war for control."

Agree. You are right, your child wants to go to the lessons, and you can continue on that vein. You are right too, he is wrong, but he has the right to plan his time with his child as he wishes as long as this doesn't represent an attempt to the welfare of your son. And also, as he has already 'hinted' , he has the power to abandon your son.

I would rather have civil relationship with the ex and have my child missing swimming and football in alternate weekends than having a child growing up with no contact with his dad.

Does he really stay in a hotel when he comes to see DS, or is that what you think he should do, but in reality he wants to take DS away for the weekend back to home, or his new GF's house? If so, it's not about a 40 minute swimming lesson is it? It's that you want your ex to base his life around where you live, but he has moved away and now needs to change things.

Actually both involve the parent. I have to get in the swimming pool with my DS and I also have to partake in the football with DS. Both are only for 30 mins and my DS enjoys both a lot. The football on Sunday finishes at 09:45 so allows plenty of time to do whnat Ex likes with DS. This is what being a parent is about. There are many parents out there that take their child to both activities at the weekend. My ex and I used to take it turns at the weekend when we were together so why should that change now he has decided to walk out on us for another woman?

being a parent is not just about one on one time it is about spending time letting them do things they enjoy. I don't get to have weekend time just with my DS as I take him to these things so why should my ex be any different??

Plus HE wanted him to go to football and I paid for another 12 sessions because HE said he would take him. He has now decided he doesn't want to and I expect it has a lot to do with OW not wanting him to be away from her.

Oh and there is no civil relationship a so far he has threatened to ahve me removed from home depsite him not paying the mortgage, left me with a huge amount of debt and has constantly threatened me with taking DS and going for custody. He constantly lies. Both lessons are in the morning. He does not have his own house and he lives in Army barracks. He has never bothered to have him long enough to book a hotel as he has failed to turn up for the last 3 times due to piss ups with the OW.

I am not the bad person here and I did not walk out on him and our son for someone else. I am there for my DS and I take him to these activities the same as I took him to them when I was with Ex. Why should my DS lose out because Ex chose to walk out.

Wasn't meaning to suggest you were in the wrong in any way over the split - sounds like he behaved like a dick.

But what does your ex actually want for the weekends? I'm assuming that if he's never yet stayed in a hotel then this isn't part of his plan - and he might well want to take him back to his for the weekend. Can he not have DS to stay at the army barracks or with the new GF? (If he's your ex, then she's not the OW any more is she?) Could he not have him for, say, one weekend in 3 or 4, for a whole weekend and take him off wherever he wants, but leave him at home to do his activities for the other 2/3 weeks at a time? A 5 hour round trip for a few hours with his DS would be a big ask - especially if he's generally pretty rubbish as you're saying.

we and by that I mean both of us agreed to him continuing to take him to football and swimming and that every 4th time he had him he can do what he likes with him and stay where he likes. I am not dictating where he stays but just that he takes him to football and swimming.

He has done more than a 5 hour trip to see his friends today rather than see his son. I also think that when you walk out on someone without even trying to make a relationship work or even stating you had a problem then you need to realise that you will have to spend your money on seeing DS. I can now no longer go out, have my haircut, have to skip meals, have had to cancelled my gym membership, can't buy clothes, have to work extra shifts, not see friends that I can't walk to to keep a roof over my DS head so I really don't think spending £30-£50 every couple of weeks in a travel lodge is much to do for your DS especially when his disposable income in £1500 a month!

Oh and I am not so keen on my DS spending time in OW house especially when he has never even met her yet and has not got used to seeing his dad without me. He still says that daddy is working and I have to keep saying 'no daddy doesn't live here anymore' I think it is a bit much for a child to suddenly have to stay in a womans house he has never even met.

You are dictating where he stays if you insist he takes him to two separate activities over the course of a weekend, and your ex would actually rather have his DS 2.5 hours away. He obviously can't do that and still do the activies can he?

Yes, it's crap being a lone parent and never getting a break - that's why it really is in your interests too to try to get an amicable agreement going with your ex where he takes DS and gives you a bit of a break. If that means DS missing or having to reschedule some activities it's probably a price worth paying for a relationship with his dad, and a much happier mum because she's had a bit of time off.

Would share your anxieties about DS going to the new woman's house, but really that's your ex's decision to make, and it's not really your choice when he decides to introduce him. Would have thought that simply a switch to seeing his dad in a new place would be easier than an interim phase of spending time in a travel lodge - they're not really great places for spending time with your dad.

I think you would do well to get some legal advice - posting in legal, for example, would be an excellent start. Because whilst it is great to get support from like-minded people, if you are headed for court, then you need to be really clear about what could happen.

I have been through the system and given the facts as you have presented them, I would say there is very little chance that your ex would not get the contact order he is seeking. Courts see a relationship with both parents as extremely important (rightly) and if the choices are that a child sees his Dad for a full weekend (at what is the nearest thing to family home, ie the OW's house), doing normal parent/child things vs the incredibly artificial set up that you are trying to insist on - that they stay in some cheap hotel simply so that the child can attend a couple of clubs, then IME, the court will go for the former option. No judge will say that football is more important than time with Dad.

OK, so the times he has let DS down won't look good - but in fairness, neither will your actions - you can't use access to a child as a way of forcing another person to do what you want.

Happylander, there are many things parents promise to each other in the early days of the split, and many turnout not to be feasible or convenient in the long term. ie. my ex promised he would continue paying for DS to be educated privately and within a year, that was no longer affordable.

I learned another one of those things was to offer babysitting "on tap" to my ex. Yes, it was the early days, and yes I wanted to spend as much time with my child as it was possible. At the time a family counselor told me that was a bad idea, as it wouldn't allow for his dad to learn to take responsibility for his son, and also because I needed that time to rebuild my life.

I'm glad I followed her advice because it was true, having DS away on alternate weekends allowed me to catch up with chores and have some time to rest and recover to tackle the week when DS was back. It also allowed me to have time to recover from the break up, experiment with new hobbies and have a social life. DS had a great time enjoying the full attention of his dad on those early years.

There is a very good book that you can get from Amazon, it is called "Putting Children First, a guide for separated parents" or something of the sort. It is based on the premise that newly separated parents should be helped to put a structure in place that allow them to co-parent separately but effectively. It makes an interesting reading.

What Balia and Piglet said - we can sit here and commiserate with you about how your ex has done you wrong, about how he should do this or shouldn't do that, but it's all beside the point.

If / when this goes to court, (currently) you will look like you are trying to force your ex to do your bidding by threatening to withhold contact, because, well, that is what you are doing.

"Badgering" (your word) your ex about contact could be used against you too.

From what you say, it would not take much for his side to show you as someone who wishes to score points under the guise of your DS's interests, as opposed to someone who wants to do the right thing (within the eyes of the family law courts) for your DS.

He won't look great because of missed contact, but he could well have reasons that the court takes as valid.

What your ex does with his DS in his contact time is up to him. When he introduces DS to OW is up to him.

Try to get back to something civil with him - do it via text and / or email. Be clear, be concise, be about contact.

You will only get anywhere with this if you approach it from the pov that contact is your DS's opportunity to maintain a relationship with his dad.
If you want activities and clubs to be prioritised over that, you will have to convince a magistrate that continuing those activities are more important for his wellbeing than his relationship with Dad.

Contact is not, in court, about the rights of the parent - it is about the rights of the child.

If you can, perhaps your son would benefit from his parents attending the 'Putting Children First' programme? It is designed for high conflict situations like yours

Ex doesn't want DS for the whole weekend I asked him if he would have him from the Friday and he said no. He only wants him from the Saturday and the swimming is in the morning for 30 mins so I really don't think that is much to ask him to do. Plus this is a man that moaned about his ex wife not taking his DD to swimming lessons. I understand that the football will probably have to go but before I paid for the next 12 weeks of lessons I asked if he would still take him and he said yes and even offered to pay and this was only 2 weeks ago. Obviously he has not paid as he has never paid for any of it for the past year but I am, understandably, pissed off that he now says he is not gong to take him. I do however, think that as he said he would take him before I paid for it the least he can do is take him until the term finishes.

I will not however, give up on the swimming. My DS became terrified of the water and I have worked very very hard to get him to the stage where he enjoys it. This is a nice activity and very good for DS and important as as I have said previously the sea is at the end of my road.

His reasons for missed contact are nights out with OW and no other reason. He has chosen to go to functions rather than spend the weekend with his DS. He is not, according to him, living in OW's house but still living in Army barracks. However, from April he is moving again and apparently she is going with him as she is and I quote 'committed to making our relationship work' This I found rather funny as he was the one that walked out on us and I never had a clue that he was going to leave as 2 weeks before he did he was saying how much he was looking forward to marrying me.

I would like my DS to get used to seeing his dad on his own for a bit and then introduced to OW before having to spend the weekend with her. I don't care that he is with OW as she is welcome to him but I am concerned that my DS will find it confusing. Ex has seen DS since Oct for 10 mins one day, 4 hours another, 24 hours, 30 mins and one day. That is not a lot and all down to him not me stopping him. I apologised the very next day for saying he couldn't see him and then begged him to come up and see him but he refused. He is now saying he will see him on his next contact weekend and of course he will take him to swimming and football. I strongly feel that he had already made plans this weekend and he knew that by saying he wants a contact order and that he wasn't going to take him to these things that he knew that I would get angry. I did as he knows what to say to me.

Oh and I have tried to be civil and the last time he did come and see DS I let him bath him etc. The very next day I got abuse from him. I no longer speak to him on the phone as he starts banging on how I shouldn't be in this house etc as I am a single mother and this is when he isn't even paying the mortgage, plus threatens me with going for full custody blah blah. I have done it by text but got told if I send texts he would get a police harassment order against me and this was after he has sent me abusive texts and all I replied was 'I am not interested in what you think of me I am only concerned with DS please can you come and see him tomorrow as he really needs to see you'