ex refusing take DS swimming lessons and football on his weekends

[Happylander]

My ex wanted contact every other weekend and I agreed with this and he agreed to take him to his swimming lessons and football lessons that I pay for. DS was going to both of these prior to split and really enjoys them. Ex is now saying he won't take him and is going for a contact order to get everything official. This is despite him not turning up on more than 2 occasions to see him and going on holiday over christmas with OW rather than spend any of his annual leave with DS!! I have now said that he won't see DS if he won't take him to these activities and as he has continually threatened me with court he can now wait until court order is in place. Getting very very tired of his constant threats now.

Solicitor has said a judge would rule that DS carries on going to both activities as they were already on place before ex left for OW. Does anyone else have any experience of this?

notadisneymum I have just emailed the 'putting Children first' people as that looks really good. So thank you for telling me about it.

I am not sure about Ex though as he is behaving towards me in the same way he did his ex wife but I am prepared to give it a go.

happy Excellent! Neither my ex or DPs would consider the programme but none-the-less, it was really helpful and reduced the level of conflict just by how I changed my behaviour

I didn't realise it is run by Cafcass so I have found the local number and call them when they open. I am struggling with all of this on top of having PTSD and a demanding job so I think some outside input might help plus he might see that his behaviour is not always perfect either. At the moment he thinks he has done nothing wrong and is a fantastic dad. He is good when he turns up but he has to actually turn up!

I understand your reasons, but they are not good enough reasons. Honestly.

Because all you said needs to be proven by YOU in court and even so, most of those things would be considered issues not worthy of court attention.

You said you already paid for the swimming... do you have any idea about how expensive going to court is? You are looking into a £3000 bill minimum for something like this.

Oh... and don't forget, family law is not like criminal law. Nobody will review your case with a magnifying glass to find where the guilt lies unless contact is a serious threat to your child's welfare, and no, being afraid of the water and missing swimming sessions is NOT one good enough, we are talking here about serious, constant and quantified neglect, abuse, and violence.

Corssposted.

Good to hear yo are giving it a go. It is worth it.

I have already said that I understand the football will go but we are talking about a 30 min swimming session on the morning he comes to pick him. I honestly don't think that is much to ask him to do before he takes him where ever he wants to. Parenting isn't all about what the parents want to do now is it? I would rather do something else than take him swimming some times but I realise my child comes first. Parenting is about teaching your child new skills as well having fun. I do everything else for my DS he has none of the responsibilities of having a child and all I am asking is he do something a lot of parents do and take him swimming and football until the course finishes.

And quite frankly I would rather spend money on making sure my child has swimming lessons than him drown in the sea at the end of the road!!! I work in A and E and have had to try and resuscitate kids that have drowned and it is devasting.

happy one of the hardest things I have had to accept since I separated from DDs dad is that his parenting priorities are not the same as mine - and that doesn't mean he's wrong - we're just different
Your ex obviously doesn't share your values relating to swimming - and while you are convinced that you are right, so is he - what makes you right and him wrong? He has as much right to parent your DS in the way he wishes to as you do in yours.

It's horrid having to stand to one side and see that happening - but it is a fact of life when parents separate, I'm afraid

i think you right that he knows exactly how to wind you up - saying one thing then changing, hreatening court etcetc.
you need to let everything he says wash over you.

he is also inconsistent and you dont know when he will turn up or not which makes it v difficult.. but past history shows he is someone inconsistent -that is somethign you and DS have to get used to... and if dad has his "friend" with him - well so be it...

i think you should take everything he says with a pinch of salt.
establish every other weekend and if he not here on time to take him swimming -well you take him.
accept that ds might miss the football every other weekend - but knowing that in reality he might not turn up anyway.

it is indeed highly annoying and irritating to be no knowing what is happneing each weekend that is "his" - but set some specific times - email him - if you not here by xx time i will take DS to swimming and you can pick him up from there.

and to try to stop thinking about your ex and what he might or might not see - you have no input on that really. he wont see the light whatever input he has...

all you can do is get some support for you to deal with his inconsistency and help DS live with it too.

Just had a phone call and can't get on course unless it is court ordered. I have now ordered the book but I know for a fact that ex won't be bothered in reading anything like it.

Happy there are some private charities running the course too - that's how DP and I got on it - CAFCASS have taken it on recently, but it's still accessible to private individuals if they want to go. Try getting in touch with the Centre for Separated Families who founded and developed the course, and they might be able to refer you onto an organisation local to you.

The book is also excellent, and it really doesn't matter if your ex won't read it - as the course and book explain, conflict between parents can only happen if both parties engage - so if you learn how to handle the situation differently, his behaviour will change in response to yours.

The nearest one to me is the IOW. Do both parties have to go on the course and how long is the course? I could not see on the website.

It is recommended that both parties go but not at the same session - they run in parallel!
Our local ones were 6 sessions of three hours - and the facilitators ran each session twice on a saturday for 6 weeks; the idea that one parent goes in the morning and one in the afternoon - but that's not a requirement DPs ex refused to even consider it - he still got loads out of it
I've done some workshops with them too - one run by Karen Woodall who designed the course/wrote the book - the Centre for Separated Families is excellent IMO

Oh that is a shame there is no way I could afford the ferry over to the IOW for 6 sessions.

I have emailed ex today to say he can see him on Sunday after his football this weekend as well as his normal contact weekend the following week as he did not see him this weekend. I feel he will tell me the same as he did this weekend that it is not worth his while only seeing him for a day.

Why don't you say to your ex that you understand he can't commit to the football - and accept that DS will only get half the sessions you've booked for him. And then see if he's willing to compromise on the swimming. If you're the one that wants DS to go, you'd have to be willing to take him, but if contact would otherwise start from Sat am anyway, it's not asking much to ask for it to start at whatever time the swimming ends.

In the long run, you could speak to the football organisers and see if they'd be willing to let you pay half price for half the sessions - depends how full they are and how generous they're feeling but might be worth a shot.

You cannot stop your ex taking DS to stay with his OW however much it hurts.

I haven't stopped him from staying with OW I have asked he wait to introduce her as I feel that is what is best for DS right now as he has not had the chance to get used to seeing ex without me. It has only been 4 months. I have no control over where he stays and have never stopped contact for that. In fact I have only ever said he can't see him once and that was on Thursday night and the very next day I apologised for that and said I'll take him to activities and he can see him afterwards. When he was threatening to take him and go for full custody I was advised by my solicitor to not let him see him unsupervised but otherwise I am constantly trying to get him to stick to his own contact requests.

There is only another 9 weeks of this course anyway and I have said to him I won't pay for any more but I would like him to stick to his promise of taking him until the course finishes. The football has waiting lists so I doubt very much they would consider letting me only pay half the course fees which is a shame. I am just sad that my DS is not going to do what he loves. This is made worse by that fact that ex used to moan how his DD was not taken to swimming lessons by first wife and that he always hated the fact he could never go to football lessons and was really into the idea of DS going to football when we were together.

It seems his view of things change depending on who he is with as he really is not the man I thought he was. I never thought he would put his social life ahead of seeing his son but he has done that repeatedly. Mind you I always thought he would show an interest in DS but he never even asks how he is or what he has learnt unless I say to him 'do you not want to know how our son is?' I find that very sad and now I have given up prompting him. I just wish I could wave a wand and make it all okay.

Happy I'm sure you will get a great deal from the book - it helped me come to terms with what I thought were exH failures which are actually just differences in opinion!

Do you have access to a parenting support worker through your DS's school? It's worth making an appointment if so - they can tell you if there are any courses or support services available in your area.

you can either make a point of sending him a weekly email update on DS as matter of routine .

or wait for him to ask.

up to you really.

you could say well your ex knows you taking good care of DS so he doesnt need to ask how he is. he probably assujmes you will lt him know if there are any big issues health etc.

i think you should stop running after your ex and offering extra contact etc. if he asks, yes. if not - dont offer.

you are making a happy life for your DS - it just doesnt invovlve his dad maybe as much as you and ds would like - but that is actually ok. ds will be fine.

if you accept and dont make big deal of it. then Ds will be fine about it too.

well he has agreed to come and see him after football this Sunday as well as see him on his designated contact weekend the following week. However, I know he has a function on the Friday of his contact weekend and I am betting he doesn't show and uses the excuse he came this Sunday to not see him.

I am not going to try and get him to see him more after this at all. It just upsets me and so I need to detach myself from it all a bit and just let it be what it is going to be.

Detaching takes time - but it can help a great deal - and distancing yourself from his schedule and appointments so that you don't know what he is doing, and therefore can;t speculate about his decisions or reasons will help, too

I think you must detach and try and move on and not continue thinking too long and hard about your ex, what he is up to and with whom. It's not your business any more, he is not your husband any more and he is in a new relationship. I agree with other posters on here who say regardless of what you think about him, or his new partner, it is beside the point. you are trying to inflict a schedule on him that you want, so that you are controlling his access time with his child. That's not on. If the boot were on the other foot and you were the parent living 2.5 hours away and being told what you had to do with the time you spent with your child, I think you may consider things differently. Time to look ahead and think about what is best for your child. Move the swimming to another time during the week if possible so it's not there as a potential cause of conflict. It's almost as if you are relishing the conflict between you and looking for reasons to get cross.

Ah the swimming lessons! This rings a deafening bell.

When the small girl was born I was told by the ex that she MUST learn to swim. Now I view swimming pools the same way some people look at subway puddles- just NOT going there! I suck at swimming. So His Lordship said he would do it.

Fast forward several years and I'm packing for a holiday in Cyprus. I'm assured that in the paltry number of times he's taken her swimming, she's learned to swim so no need to pack the armbands. Thirty seconds in on our first pool session and it was blindingly obvious this child cannot swim! I had to wrap her up and run to the hotel shop which luckily sold armbands. Went seven shades of mental with him. It could've been so very dangerous if I wasn't in there with her and had actually believed him and come unprepared to dive in and rescue her. (I did ask her if she could swim before btw. Trouble is, if you ask her if she could climb Everest she'd say she could. She's a v positive child!)

Since we came back I think he's taken her twice. Hell I had to start taking her which is incredibly annoying, given my aversion to muncipal baths. Her school claim they've been teaching the Year 4 kids since September. The armbands are still on and she's got worse if anything. So what the heck they're playing at is beyond me.

I can't commit to taking her to swimming lessons on Saturdays as we do a lot of dancing so she'd only go less than half the time and I don't think that's fair as it's a long waiting list and we'd be taking someone else's place. Everything she does out of school is my responsibility apparently. Including cost.

I'd be careful if I was you. He might not bother seeing your DS at all if you lay down the law. Men often give up on contact. I think you just have to accept that things have changed. Why would you stop contact for this reason? Would you stop contact in an act of revenge or would you be doing it for the benefit of your DS? You DS comes first and you cannot control your ex.

Sorry, just seen your last post. I agree with you. I've come to the same conclusion myself in relation to my ex.

I know this shouldn't have made me think 'thats Karma for ya' but it did. First weekend Ex turns up for contact and although refuses to take him football on the Sunday does agree with the swimming on the Saturday. Anyway DS proceeds to projectile vomit all over his car 4 times on the Sunday and so he brings him home. DS fine by the way and was right as rain by 7pm running about with his fireman helmet and axe!

Always satisfying when child pukes on absent father's car. I felt guilty laughing at it happening to my ex.