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Original poster

Absolutely furious with school...advice please.

112 replies

NewPatchesForOld · 23/11/2011 22:30

Haven't been on MN for a while, but once again I am in need of some wisdom. In a nutshell, I took my 3 DCs and fled domestic violence - the abuse was towards me and the kids, and was emotional, physical and sexual. He was also charged with rape of another woman, indecent assault and buggery.

DD2 was only 3 when we fled, after I found he had been seriously abusing her, and we went into a refuge, before moving hundreds of miles away, becoming effectively homeless, before I found us a house to rent, started up my own business, and settled in to a new village. The kids are flourishing, DD1 is at college, DS has lovely friends and DD2 (now 7) is excelling at school.

However, recently there was an event in the village which I knew would attract media attention and the junior school was taking part, so I had a quiet word with DD2's teacher and just asked him to make sure DD2 wasn't approached by the media (as they often do with school children...'what did you think of so and so' kind of thing). He asked why and I merely said that we had fled domestic abuse and exH had no idea where we are and I needed to keep it that way.

When the village event happened, they made DD2 stand at the back where she couldn't see, and made a big thing of saying that mummy didn't want her to be at the front, which gave rise to some questioning on DD2's part.

Today she came home from school and told me that her teacher had told her 'we need to talk about the other day', and walked around with her (thus stopping her from playing with her friends at playtime) and proceeded to ask her questions...did she mind not seeing her Dad, did she speak to him, what happened in the past...I am furious. She was only 3 when we left and barely remembers him, but now all his questioning has brought things to the forefront of her mind.

How dare he question a 7 year old? He should have asked me if he wanted to know anything. He has no idea what a can of worms he has opened. I am appalled at his insensitivity, violation and unprofessionalism.

What are your views/thoughts?

OP posts:
fluffystabby · 23/11/2011 22:32

Go to the head asap.

Seriously unprofessional and out of order.

I would be spitting bullets.

feelingratheroverwhelmed · 23/11/2011 22:35

Sorry can only give a quick reply as DS needs feeding, but I would be furious and think you need to have a word with the teacher. They were COMPLETELY out of order and need to know this is totally unacceptable.

Sending hugs to you and your DC's and well done for rebuilding your lives x

RoughShooting · 23/11/2011 22:37

Go to the head immediately. Utterly unprofessional.

pickledparsnip · 23/11/2011 22:37

Bloody outrageous. Give them hell.

elastamum · 23/11/2011 22:38

That is absolutely awful. Go to the head immediately and also complain to the governers. My DP is a governer and his school are always really careful about making sure that children who's parents dont want them photographed etc are very quietly kept in the background. The school has a duty of care to your children, but it is none of their business to pry into your past.

The teacher is a best an ignorant idiot.

Original poster
NewPatchesForOld · 23/11/2011 22:40

Thanks both of you for your replies...I did try and talk to my mum about it but she was, as always, quite poisonous and said I shouldn't have mentioned it to the teacher in the first place. She really can't grasp that DD2 would be in grave danger if he found us...he has always said he will take her and never let me see her again. It was also me who brought the initial charges against him.

I am so proud of what we have achieved...we are truly happy. It can get lonely sometimes as I have been single for a long time now as I am too wary of letting anyone into the kids' lives again, but we are an incredibly close family and life is good. Now this imbecile has stirred it all up again and my mum has made me feel like it is all my fault. Again.

OP posts:
tethersend · 23/11/2011 22:41

I think in this scenario, a word with the teacher is inappropriate as it seems that the teacher is unaware of professional boundaries, and it could end up exacerbating the situation.

I agree with fluffy, go to the head.

Teachers should know not to ask leading questions, particularly if they have CP concerns.

Original poster
NewPatchesForOld · 23/11/2011 22:41

Cross posts...thanks to everyone for replying :)

OP posts:
Piffle · 23/11/2011 22:43

dreadful nosiness, out of order, go complain,

fluffystabby · 23/11/2011 22:44

Seriously, I would go to the head and rip him/her a new one, then cut the teacher off about the knees.

And then governors and further if you have to.

Utterly utterly out of order on so many levels.

And as for your mum - she's being completely unsupportive. I'd have words with her too.

It isn't your fault at all, you're doing the best for your kids. but you know that, right Smile

Original poster
NewPatchesForOld · 23/11/2011 22:53

I am right aren't I? this was totally and utterly wrong, whatever his intentions are, to question a child of 7 about an abusive past?

OP posts:
pantaloons · 23/11/2011 22:53

I would also go to the head, but put your complaint in writing as well. I think it is all too easy for things to get swept under the carpet and have found that something on paper can acheive more than just ripping his bloody head off discussing things.

You have worked hard to be where you are and deserve to be happy and secure in the knowledge that your and your families happiness cannot be affected by what is essentially an interfering busy body disguised as a teacher.

I really hope you give them what for and they do something about it.

tethersend · 23/11/2011 23:06

Child Protection procedures clearly state that even if abuse is strongly suspected, teachers must never ask leading questions or quiz a child about their experiences. The reason for this is that if the child makes a disclosure as a response to a teacher's leading question, then the evidence is shaky at best and inadmissible at worst.

What ever the teacher's motivation, there is never justification for quizzing a child in this way. He is simply not trained to deal with the fall out that such questioning can provoke. You must complain, as this teacher could very well do some damage to another child by acting in this manner.

Original poster
NewPatchesForOld · 23/11/2011 23:30

I'm going to try and speak to the head tomorrow. DD1 told me earlier that she had been playing with her friends when the teacher approached her and took her away to talk. This then gave rise to her being quizzed by her friends afterwards. I'm flabbergasted to tell you the truth...it just keeps getting worse. Poor child has been through enough, without this all being dragged up again. I'm seething.

OP posts:
savoycabbage · 23/11/2011 23:40

It sounds like he was taking her aside for a gossip, like they were friends. He has acted really badly. I had a child disclose abuse to me in my first year of teaching and I was utterly terrified of saying anything. In case I 'lead' her or said the wrong thing.

Grumpla · 23/11/2011 23:47

That is absolutely dreadful. You need to report it to the head as soon as you can. School should have very clear formal policy in place, both with regards to publicity / photos etc and more importantly child protection. I would be querying what his motivations were for breaching them in this way.

Well done for rebuilding a life for you and your DD away from your appalling ex. Remember that you had the strength and the courage of your convictions to do that - dealing with this idiot will be a piece of cake by comparison.

JustForThisOne · 24/11/2011 00:03

This is sick. I immediately dislike the sound of this teacher. I feel my blood boiling just at the thought and I would (over-react...) run away from this unprofessional, cruel person. I will want to get to the bottom of WHY he did it...

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 24/11/2011 00:09

Hope you get him fired. Unhealthy interest and complete disregard if your DD's feelings, wellbeing and privacy.

LoopyLoopsRootyFroots · 24/11/2011 00:23

Absolutely unprofessional and damn stupid.

Straight to the head, not the individual teacher. This isn't a case of crossed wires, but needs serious treatment. I would expect a disciplinary (I'm a teacher).

Barreal · 24/11/2011 01:44

Agree with all of the above. As a teacher myself, I find this highly unprofessional.
I would be livid.
Straight to the head indeed.

ReindeerBollocks · 24/11/2011 01:56

Definitely approach the Head, this cannot be allowed to happen.

Teacher needs to learn boundaries, even if they meant well.

Sloobreeus · 24/11/2011 02:40

NewPatches don't just seethe, speak to the head asap. Completely out of order - teacher obviously not aware of protocol at all. Would be interested to know how you get on. Oh, and good on you for getting and keeping everything together in what must have been the most difficult of circumstances. Respect!

Original poster
NewPatchesForOld · 24/11/2011 09:25

Hi all, well I went to the school just now. The head wasn't in, and after a battle with the receptionist I got to speak to the deputy head who is also head of DD's year. She was horrified, visibly shocked and shaken by what this teacher had done. The head is in later, and after they have discussed it the teacher in question will be called in and it will be investigated. I have told them that DD is NOT to be questioned or approached again, and the subject is not to be broached with her again. Watch this space.

OP posts:
kreecherlivesupstairs · 24/11/2011 09:30

Good for you. What that teacher did is fucking awful. It sounds to me as if he wanted to gossip.
I know nothing of child protection and how much info is given to schools, but, it isn't his business. His business is educating your DD.
Well done on the acheivements you've made for you and your family. They are impressive.

elastamum · 24/11/2011 09:37

Pleased you seem to have got an appropriate response. I would follow up in writing so it cannot be downplayed or swept under the carpet. You have done so much to make sure your family are safe. The teacher needs to understand why his action is so innappropriate and the school must take action to ensure this never happens again.