Absolutely furious with school...advice please.

[NewPatchesForOld]

Haven't been on MN for a while, but once again I am in need of some wisdom. In a nutshell, I took my 3 DCs and fled domestic violence - the abuse was towards me and the kids, and was emotional, physical and sexual. He was also charged with rape of another woman, indecent assault and buggery.

DD2 was only 3 when we fled, after I found he had been seriously abusing her, and we went into a refuge, before moving hundreds of miles away, becoming effectively homeless, before I found us a house to rent, started up my own business, and settled in to a new village. The kids are flourishing, DD1 is at college, DS has lovely friends and DD2 (now 7) is excelling at school.

However, recently there was an event in the village which I knew would attract media attention and the junior school was taking part, so I had a quiet word with DD2's teacher and just asked him to make sure DD2 wasn't approached by the media (as they often do with school children...'what did you think of so and so' kind of thing). He asked why and I merely said that we had fled domestic abuse and exH had no idea where we are and I needed to keep it that way.

When the village event happened, they made DD2 stand at the back where she couldn't see, and made a big thing of saying that mummy didn't want her to be at the front, which gave rise to some questioning on DD2's part.

Today she came home from school and told me that her teacher had told her 'we need to talk about the other day', and walked around with her (thus stopping her from playing with her friends at playtime) and proceeded to ask her questions...did she mind not seeing her Dad, did she speak to him, what happened in the past...I am furious. She was only 3 when we left and barely remembers him, but now all his questioning has brought things to the forefront of her mind.

How dare he question a 7 year old? He should have asked me if he wanted to know anything. He has no idea what a can of worms he has opened. I am appalled at his insensitivity, violation and unprofessionalism.

What are your views/thoughts?

sorry have come to this thread late, sounds awful. Stupid teacher

did your ex go to prison for his crimes? Sounds like he bloody should have done for a long time.

Hi, sorry I've not been on for a couple of days, I was sick of the whole damn thing if I'm honest. Well, saw the head, told her how disgusted I was at the teacher's actions and asked her what exactly he was doing questioning her...she really didn't have any answers for that except that he really didn't think and it was sheer naivety on his part. However, more shockingly is the absolute fiasco which his actions have uncovered due to the handover procedures not being followed. I also spoke at length with the teacher (at his request) after school on friday. He was, to be fair, very very upset. I'm not going soft at all, believe me, BUT if it hadn't been for him DD2 could have been in danger becaue nowhere in her files did it say that her F was not to pick her up, or that there was any abuse...her F could have turned up out of the blue, taken her away and I may never have seen her again all because the infant school didn't do their job. He explained to me that he had spoken with the infant school teacher about each individual child and nothing was mentioned or even hinted at. So, in a very unpleasant way, he has actually done us and probably more vulnerable children a favour. By the way, the risk of never seeing her again would be very real if he found us as he always admired John Hogan, who jumped from a balcony with his children in his arms, killing his little boy. He always said it would be his right as a father and he wouldn't hesitate to do it.

Anyway, it's not over yet. The head is investigating the mess, and wants answers and to hold someone accountable for this shocking situation, and has said she will keep me in the loop.

As for the teacher, I don't know. Whether he will face disciplinary action I have no idea...I do know he had a huge rollocking over it.

Sometimes I just feel my strength ebbing away IYKWIM? My eldest daughter has recently been diagnosed with hypermobility syndrome, which affects her joints and leaves her in a lot of pain, and her tutor at college is very unaccommodating, amking comments like 'maybe I should just bring in a ton of morphine and hook you up to that all day'. The poor kid has to wear hand braces when it's really bad, and has so much physio, but because it's not 'visible' they don;t believe her.

On top of that I have just had yet another abnormal smear...they have all been abnormal for the last 2 and ahalf years, I had a colposcopy and the cells burnt away, and still they return so next visit to the hospital will be to decide further treatment. It's a worry.

Oh, and I seem to be sliding into early menopause...hooray for night sweats and hot flashes, such a joy :)

I'm not complaining (well maybe a tiny bit) but just sometimes it would be so nice not to have to do this on my own. Is that being selfish?

sigh

Not at all!

You have all had a rough, tough, shitty time and someone being a prat has added to it. How is your DD now? Have the nighmares stopped?

Girliefriend...no he didn;t go to prison as the trial collapsed. There were 2 main witnesses, me and another woman. His defence team were very clever...they tried every tactic to delay proceedings as the other woman who was on the stand before me was much 'weaker' psychologically than me. They tried to say I had been coerced by the police into making statements which meant that they were given leave to go back through 2 years of e mails to check that this hadn't happened, which of course it hadn't. By the time the trial continued she was in such a state that her Dr said she couldn't testify, which left my word against his, and the CPS work on likelihood of conviction, which they said wasn't high enough with just my evidence, so they threw it out. He walked free. Which is why we had to run.

FAB...she seems to have settled down again now thankfully. She asked constant questions and seemed to take time to mull things over in her mind and now she is her usual lovely self again, thankfully. No more nightmares. x

That is good. Hopefully she will progress and get on with her life happy and safe.

Hi patches. I remember your old threads and have often wondered how you and your DCs are doing. I am very pleased to hear that (until now anyway) you are all doing well.

Like you and everyone else I am aghast at what has happened. Bloody stupid teacher. What was he thinking? However given that the school knew nothing and the inherent dangers in that then maybe this is a bit of a blessing in disguise.

it certainly does have a silver lining like you say because now the proper safe guards will be in place

but "..she really didn't have any answers for that except that he really didn't think" is, IMO, bollocks! he didn't just blurt it out, he pointedly thought about it then later approached her, took her away from her friends, then questioned her... not really a slip of the tongue due to not thinking, he was thinking SOMETHING, I would want to know exactly what? did he see himself as some sort of maverick armchair councellor or what?

Hi, and yes...you're right about it being BS. I asked the teacher point blank and he said (and come to think of it the head said the same thing earlier) that they often have children with 'background' problems and they tend to speak openly about it, and that he just assumed, wrongly, that this would be the case with DD2. Now I am very sceptical abou this...surely it is wrong for a teacher to talk about the child's homelife, past,background etc with the child? But the whole teacher thing has kind of gotten buried by the bigger picture of gross malpractice of CP procedures.

Have just come back to this thread, and am sure now that 'patches' was the old 'sleeping...'

I am so glad that you are all free from that monster, I have thought of you often. But devastated that he didnt go to prison, the last I read was when you were preparing to go to court and making statements etc. I can not believe the case collapsed.

The teacher was a fool and needs to be dealt with from a professional POV but it is definately far more serious that there was a great big hole in school CP info.

I think if anyone has a right to complain about being dealt a shitty hand, it's you. You sound like an amazing mother and an amazing woman. Hats off to you. The best of luck for the future - you deserve it.

Littleducks...thankyou for remembering me! Yes, it's me, one and the same. Name changed for a fresh start, and am now not sleeping with the enemy...or anyone else either for that matter .

I was, and still am, devastated that he didn't go down...for the offences he committed he was facing a mandatory life sentence, which would have meant that we were free to breathe. Instead he walked free, and it's us (once again) who are living under the executioner's axe.

Ciderwithbuda..thankyou (belatedly) to you also for remembering my story x