Absolutely furious with school...advice please.

[NewPatchesForOld]

Haven't been on MN for a while, but once again I am in need of some wisdom. In a nutshell, I took my 3 DCs and fled domestic violence - the abuse was towards me and the kids, and was emotional, physical and sexual. He was also charged with rape of another woman, indecent assault and buggery.

DD2 was only 3 when we fled, after I found he had been seriously abusing her, and we went into a refuge, before moving hundreds of miles away, becoming effectively homeless, before I found us a house to rent, started up my own business, and settled in to a new village. The kids are flourishing, DD1 is at college, DS has lovely friends and DD2 (now 7) is excelling at school.

However, recently there was an event in the village which I knew would attract media attention and the junior school was taking part, so I had a quiet word with DD2's teacher and just asked him to make sure DD2 wasn't approached by the media (as they often do with school children...'what did you think of so and so' kind of thing). He asked why and I merely said that we had fled domestic abuse and exH had no idea where we are and I needed to keep it that way.

When the village event happened, they made DD2 stand at the back where she couldn't see, and made a big thing of saying that mummy didn't want her to be at the front, which gave rise to some questioning on DD2's part.

Today she came home from school and told me that her teacher had told her 'we need to talk about the other day', and walked around with her (thus stopping her from playing with her friends at playtime) and proceeded to ask her questions...did she mind not seeing her Dad, did she speak to him, what happened in the past...I am furious. She was only 3 when we left and barely remembers him, but now all his questioning has brought things to the forefront of her mind.

How dare he question a 7 year old? He should have asked me if he wanted to know anything. He has no idea what a can of worms he has opened. I am appalled at his insensitivity, violation and unprofessionalism.

What are your views/thoughts?

How awful for your DD! What this teacher was thinking I don't know, I can't understand how on any level at all he would think this was an appropriate thing to do.

What he thought would be gained by this insensitive prying I cannot fathom.
She has now also on two occasions had her classmates questioning her due to this teachers insensitivity and unprofessional manner.

Hope school continue to take this seriously and you get it all sorted.

Hi all, am back from work now. The school rang to say that the head was due in this afternoon but would be going straight into class so they weren't sure if they would have time to speak to her and not to think nothing was being done about it if they didn't ring back today. Fair enough, I would imagine they will discuss it before school in the morning and I will hear something tomorrow.

Whowhowho...I cannot fathom it either. I have tried to look at it from all different angles but none of them justify his actions, none.

I want more than an apology for this...I don't want anyone to lose their job but I do want an explanation as to why he did this and an assurance that DD will not be questioned again and that this particular teacher undergoes training in this area.

I'll keep you updated.

Absolutely appalling. I work in a nursery and several of our children can't be photographed/identified in the media (for reasons such as yours, or because they have been recently adopted etc) and believe me we check every child's paperwork before any event that might be an issue. Also manage to ensure they're not photographed without singling out or excluding them.

Fwiw, from a teacher's point of view, every school i have worked at makes sure we all have up to date child protection training- ofsted can fail a school inspection without it!
For a class teacher, this mainly involves talking through possible signals for different types of situations/ abuse and a reminder that somethings may be totally innocent and others need to be put into a bigger picture to spot a problem. Ultimately, we are firmly trained NEVER to ask questions or to make promises about confidentuality. IF a child comes to me with a problem, I listen, make notes afterwards and then pass it on to the trained child protection member of staff. It is up to them to put the pieces together and contact the PROFESSIONALS. I would never, never ask questions. This teacher has been very unprofessional.
On the photo front, we all have a list of thise in our class who may be photoed, and a copy is kept in the office. We are expected to stick with this and not take it on ourselves to investigate further.
Hope you get some answers and well done for all you have achieved with your family.

OP I remember your original posts at the time when the abuse came to light, I am shocked and appalled at the teacher's behaviour and glad that you have gone to the Head.

I hope that you can move on from this without causing any more distress.

What an idiot. I would definitely complain.

Update: the headmistress has just called. They are very distressed about the whole situation, apparently the teacher involved is in pieces about what he has done. I am going in to see the head after lunch, but what I can gather from her phone call is that none of DD2's notes were passed on from the infant school to the junior school - in fact she said that having gone through DD2's files she found one piece of paper with some notes scribbled on it...there was no actual 'file' about our background. The year 3 teachers met with the year 2 teachers before the changeover and each child was discussed individually, and nothing was mentioned about our history, about the fact that nobody is to pick her up apart from me or her brother or sister, that no information is ever to be disclosed about her...just no mention at all.

I am appalled by the lack of communication, and how dangerous could this have been??? If her 'father' (and I say that through gritted teeth) had turned up at the school they would have let him take her because they knew nothing about it. There are some serious questions to be answered about the whole child protection issues at these 2 schools.

As for DD2, this has destroyed her stability. She woke up this morning having had a nightmare (which used to be recurrent but she hasn't had for some months now) that a bad man had taken her away. She is also scared that we are going to have to run away again and she is happy here and loves her friends. She also asked a whole heap of questions about him which she has never done before, so I have had to answer those as tactfully as I could whilst still being honest. How do I explain to a 7 year old that her 'father' sexually abused her when she was 2 without messing her head up? Bloody teacher, so he should be distraught about it.

on your behalf. How is that even possible?
I really hope you can stay where you are, especially since your DD seems to like it.
Positive thoughts for your meeting.

I think it sounds as though (apart from the idiot teacher), it was the Infants school at fault here. It's outrageous on their part. The Juniors can't know what they haven't been told.

I'm so sorry this has happened.

Kreecher...I have no intention of moving the kids again, they have all blossomed since moving here; the only way I would move again is if he tracked us down and there's not much chance of that. But DD2 has got used to us running whenever things kicked off, and I suppose to her this feels like the same situation. I hate the fact that that damn teacher has messed up her little mind again.

Your poor DD

Is there any support you can access for her? Perhaps someone/a service/charity you were in contact with at the time? They may be able to offer some advice or signpost you to a service in your new area you are unaware of?

As for the school, so they should be distraught! Especially that bloody teacher - like you I tried to think from all angles what he possibly hoped to achieve and there is no way to look at it that casts him in a good or well meaning light.
The communication between this school and last also seems pretty shoddy - the lack of communication has potentially left your dcs in danger as you say! I would want to see the full school being updated and trained on child protection, DV, abuse, etc. I would also want to see new pupil policies put in place as part of safeguarding children, checking with new pupil's resident parents if there are any safeguarding issues, or issues around people with parental responsibility.

Aries...yes I agree. The teacher's actions are not so sinister now, I think it was more just very poor judgement on his part and this in no way lets him off the hook and I am still furious with him but it has uncovered a very serious flaw. How many more 'vulnerable' children are unwittingly in potential danger because of this?

I have no advice to offer you OP, but wanted to come ond give you friendly squeeze.

((((Newpatchesforold)))))

I'm very sorry you have had this to deal with. x

It sounds to me like the teacher is more upset that he was caught than anything else.

Please please please complain, an don't let his crocodile tears sway you.

Your poor daughter i'm so angry on your behalf.

Pictish....aw thankyou, that's much appreciated. It's so hard dealing with this stuff alone. My mother is no support at all so I won't even talk to her about it again, my brother knows nothing of any of the abuse believe it or not as my mother refused to tell him or 'let' me tell him (my belief is that she feels it is something to be ashamed of), my sis is in Oz and because of our forced nomadic lifestyle I have not got any really close trusted friends, so believe me hugs are very welcome, albeit virtual ones.

Don't get me wrong, I have no way let the teacher off the hook I am still so furious with him...beyond fury actually, and I want to see him tell me face to face what the hell he thought he was doing. His tears are nothing compared to the ones me and my children have shed. It makes it just slightly less 'sinister' that he didn't know the extent of the abuse i.e sexual.

It has just presented a much bigger flaw in the whole system.

You sound an amazing mother and your children will do so well with you fighting for them.

I am a bit that the teacher is in pieces. Bloody idiot should have known what he was doing and if he didn't he shouldn't be a teacher. Do not give any thought to his well being or emotional state. Fucking prick.

Don't be pressured into disclosing more than you need too but make sure you see any notes the school make with regards to privacy/collecting issues so you know that they know so there can be no accusation of not knowing that X wasn't allowed to happen in the future.

Good luck.

appalling lack of communication and am so sorri your dd is now suffering.
hope she can be reassured .

unfortunately tho, given the importance of this, i think it is something you yourself need to follow up at beginning of each school year, whether new class or new school, just to be sure they have relevant information on the file particuarly with regard to not being picked up etc. just an added "new school year" check list addition... you should not have to - but as with special needs, medical needs etc - teachers/schools do need reminding after holidays...

but this still does not explain the behaviour of the teacher - even if he knew nothing, he should have asked you first before questioning her.

God how awful for you and your family :( I hope your DD is able to move on again very soon x

What a shocking failure on the part of the school. I have to say though that despite the school not having all the information on file, it was still totally inappropriate of the teacher to question your DD like that.

There are myriad reasons why people don't want their children photographed and that should be respected with no questions asked. When you asked that your DD be kept away from the media, the teacher should have just accepted that was your POV and the parent and respected it without needing any further information.

What are the school going to do to tighten up procedures in the future? I would be tempted to report to OFSTED personally but can understand you not wanting to rock the boat like that.

POV as the parent

FAB...thankyou for your kind words. I have an amazing relationship with all 3 of the shildren and they are very secure in their knowledge that I will always fight for them and protect them. However, I still have my moments of guilt and self doubt, as I guess we all do.

Cestlavie...yes, sadly this is something I am going to have to do over and over again, as much as I hate doing it it is a necessary evil. I just hate the fact that he is still dictating the way we live our lives.

Christine...I definately want answers as to why he questioned her at all. There is no justification, none.

As an aside, the headmistress mentioned that the teacher is a 'deeply Christian man'...?!?!?! How is that relevant? Is that supposed to sway me? I'm a bit numb to tell you the truth.

I would be furious with the deeply Christian point. I wondered if it might be something like that - his questioning seems to be all around you cruelly preventing your children from seeing their f (won't use the whole word, he doesn't deserve it) and a deep-seated believe that marriage is for life, no matter what.

Whether he's a Christian or a practising tin foil hat wearer, that should be irrelevant in a CP issue.

There are two separate issues here:
1 is the questioning and inadequate CP training
2 is the failure of the school to transfer information from one part of the school to the next (I assume that they are two bits of the same school rather than two separate schools?)

I think you need to make sure that the head is not fudging the two together. Point 2 does not excuse point 1 as you said

Pull her up on the relevance of him being a Christian. Nothing excuses what he did and should not sway you.

Rather than having to go over everything each year could you type something out and hand it over each year?

Christine...I had that impression when DD told me he had asked her if she minded not seeing her F (and you're right, he is not deserving of the title), it stunk of the whole 'families need fathers' stuff - and in normal circumstances I absolutely agree, and my other 2 children have a regular and happy relationship with their Dad and I would never stop that (DD1 and DS were from my first marriage). But this 'man' took his 2 year old daughter into a locked bathroom, masturbated in front of her, told her his 'stuff' was his magic seeds, and that his penis was magic as he showed her how it changed from being small to long! He also used to touch her intimately. Even now when I am helping her get into the bath so she doesn't slip I have to close my eyes until she gets under the water. She told me this morning that she remembers him making her drink beer in the bathroom! And this idiotic 'Christian' man has questioned her whether she misses him?????