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Original poster

Absolutely furious with school...advice please.

112 replies

NewPatchesForOld · 23/11/2011 22:30

Haven't been on MN for a while, but once again I am in need of some wisdom. In a nutshell, I took my 3 DCs and fled domestic violence - the abuse was towards me and the kids, and was emotional, physical and sexual. He was also charged with rape of another woman, indecent assault and buggery.

DD2 was only 3 when we fled, after I found he had been seriously abusing her, and we went into a refuge, before moving hundreds of miles away, becoming effectively homeless, before I found us a house to rent, started up my own business, and settled in to a new village. The kids are flourishing, DD1 is at college, DS has lovely friends and DD2 (now 7) is excelling at school.

However, recently there was an event in the village which I knew would attract media attention and the junior school was taking part, so I had a quiet word with DD2's teacher and just asked him to make sure DD2 wasn't approached by the media (as they often do with school children...'what did you think of so and so' kind of thing). He asked why and I merely said that we had fled domestic abuse and exH had no idea where we are and I needed to keep it that way.

When the village event happened, they made DD2 stand at the back where she couldn't see, and made a big thing of saying that mummy didn't want her to be at the front, which gave rise to some questioning on DD2's part.

Today she came home from school and told me that her teacher had told her 'we need to talk about the other day', and walked around with her (thus stopping her from playing with her friends at playtime) and proceeded to ask her questions...did she mind not seeing her Dad, did she speak to him, what happened in the past...I am furious. She was only 3 when we left and barely remembers him, but now all his questioning has brought things to the forefront of her mind.

How dare he question a 7 year old? He should have asked me if he wanted to know anything. He has no idea what a can of worms he has opened. I am appalled at his insensitivity, violation and unprofessionalism.

What are your views/thoughts?

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Original poster
NewPatchesForOld · 24/11/2011 09:38

I actually feel really sick now. Every time we manage to 'forget' the past something or somebody drags it kicking and screaming into the present. My mum, for instance, insists on talking about him every time she stays...in fact after her last visit I went into a real downer for about 4 days, I mean really seriously down crying/depressed etc. She was no help or support when it was all going on, actually asked me if he really did what DD said he did (she was 3 and could not possibly have made it up), and about 6 months ago she was going on about something on the news about a father abusing his little girl and can I imagine what the little one went through...I said yes, I could imagine exactly and she said 'oh, I forgot about that'...! I'm too angry to even talk to her at the moment.

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elastamum · 24/11/2011 09:46

Poor you.. You are doing really well, it must be really hard.

Does your mum have an age related short term memeory problem? Sometimes when people get old they continually rehash stuff that plays on their minds. My mum did this about my divorce. Every time i spoke to her she went on and on about how she couldnt believe my marriage had broken down. Eventually my brother stuck a note on the wall by the phone asing her not to talk about it. That worked until the not fell off!

It might be that she just keeps going on about it because it has just stuck in her head and she cant quite make sense of it?

Original poster
NewPatchesForOld · 24/11/2011 09:51

Elasta...no, I wish it could be put down to something like that but it can't. She is a cruel, narcissistic woman who never ever thinks of other people's feelings. She continually makes me feel guilty about marrying him in the first place, and for not leaving him sooner.

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BertieBotts · 24/11/2011 09:54

:( Sorry to hear that Patches. FWIW I know someone who was abused as a child by a family member, finally told her father several decades later, who was horrified, but then a few months later he was talking about something she and this family member would have to sort out together with no acknowledgement of the fact she might not want to. So she had to remind him Hmm and he just said "Oh, oh yes I suppose that might be difficult." Angry Had he just forgotten?? I think sometimes people just block out stuff they don't want to deal with. It's convenient for them Hmm

CailinDana · 24/11/2011 09:54

Well done for going to the school about it. As a teacher myself I really can't believe what your DD's teacher did - it is incredibly stupid and I would expect him to be hauled over the coals for it. Teachers are trained to death about this kind of thing, but really that's irrelevant, basic common sense should have told him that to question a child on such a traumatic subject in the middle of the school day was absolutely idiotic. I hope the school deals with it as best they can.

As for your mother, why are you still in contact with her? It sounds like she is no help at all to you and actually makes you feel worse. I would also worry that as your DD grows older she might start interrogating her and belittling how she feels. It might be time to start distancing yourself from her - what do you think?

Oh and bloody well done on building yourself a new life - that's amazing!

BertieBotts · 24/11/2011 09:56

Yes the self centred thing rings true as well.

littleducks · 24/11/2011 10:04

I see you have already gone into school and seem to have dealt with it really well.

Did you post on mn about this at the time? Left Xmas/jan time?

I remember a thread that sounded similar to the back story you describe (don't want to post the poster name just in case) and over the years often wondered how it all ended and if life got back to 'normal'

ShirleyKnot · 24/11/2011 10:05

Fucking Hell NewPatches. Just..

fucking hell - you have been, and continue to be so brave - I hope you're proud of yourself because you really, really should be.

I hope the teacher is sacked TBH, I think the way he has acted is downright CREEPY Hmm Angry

goingtoofast · 24/11/2011 10:10

Awful, he was asking because he is nosey - I can't see what benefit questioning your dd could have brought.

Original poster
NewPatchesForOld · 24/11/2011 10:15

Little Ducks...yes I had a looong thread about it, and MN was a huge support. I found out about the abuse of DD2 on xmas eve so yes...you could well be remembering correctly. I can't remember my screen name from then though.

Cailin...yes I have thought about distancing myself from her, tbh I don't see her that often as we're not local. Guilt stops me from cutting her out if I'm honest. She is old, although still very much in possession of all her faculties, and lost my Dad 16 years ago and has been on her own since. She is never on her own with my DCs, and when we do see her it is always at my house so she wouldn't have a chance to question DD2.

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Original poster
NewPatchesForOld · 24/11/2011 10:16

Goingtoofast...I came to the same conclusion. The deputy head had no idea of our background, so I'm assuming the head didn't either. Therefore he must have done the questioning off his own back and for his own purpose...i.e nosiness.

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mummytime · 24/11/2011 10:17

I just hope the school continues to take this seriously. There are all kinds of reasons that kids can't have their photos, and especially names in the press (my SIL had this issue when she worked in a Prison). Schools are usually very set up for it.
I once refused permission for photos of one of my DC because the new head had changed the permission form, and it gave permission for them to use images indefinitely. A parent producing a school cook book was shocked that I actually meant it, that my DC's photo could not be used.
This teach sounds as if they need total re-training in safeguarding.

As for your Mum, I'd suggest going on the Stately Homes thread and maybe withdrawing from her if necessary.

Original poster
NewPatchesForOld · 24/11/2011 10:24

Mummytime...I recently signed all the forms for the publicity/media thing, but this information apparently wasn't shared. I often wonder if these forms are even checked as this was quite a high profile event and covered by news crews and newspapers and yet they were still taken aback when I said she couldn't be identified.

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tethersend · 24/11/2011 10:31

Well done, NewPatches.

It sounds as if the deputy head had the right reaction; there is no grey area here, and the fact that she didn't try and defend the teacher's actions speaks volumes about the school, so be reassured by that at least. Please let us know what action they take.

I think that at some point, your DD may want to talk about the past and try and make sense of what happened to her- but clearly this has to come from her. If this was the case, your desire to forget the past would obviously take second place to her needs... What I mean by this is that being angry with this teacher and your mum for bringing up the past is only half the issue. Apologies if I'm speaking out of turn here, but if somebody talks about the past in a sensitive, measured way and allows you to be heard, then it's not necessarily a problem.

The problem here is not just 'talking about the past', but that the teacher is an idiot and your mum clearly has her own agenda. You are right to reject both of their actions as wrong.

Original poster
NewPatchesForOld · 24/11/2011 10:39

Tethersend...believe me if she wanted to talk about it I would be happy to. I am very proud of the fact that all 3 of my children talk openly with me about anything. I have never put my own feelings before the kids', and myself and my older DC talk about the past quite often, as and when it is necessary.

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tethersend · 24/11/2011 10:42

Christ, sorry NewPatches, didn't mean to imply that you wouldn't- quite the opposite.

I use the example of your DD talking to you about it as an example of the past being talked about in a healthy way- ie in stark contrast to the way the teacher and your mother talk about it.

Original poster
NewPatchesForOld · 24/11/2011 10:43

Sorry...DD1 was just going out to college so I cut that post short. By the way, she came with me to the school, as we all pull together.

When I say 'forget' the past, that will never happen. What I mean is that the past needs to stop being allowed to get in the way of the present. We spent 2 years going through police interviews, courts, social services...not a week went by when we didn't have to relive the whole thing so it's time now (until DD2 wants otherwise) to move into the future.

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Original poster
NewPatchesForOld · 24/11/2011 10:45

Tethersend...nonono...I know you didn't! I didn't take offence in any way. And I'm all for healthy discussion and don't believe in holding things in, it's destructive. x

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Original poster
NewPatchesForOld · 24/11/2011 10:45

Off to work now, but please keep your views/comments coming.

x

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cestlavielife · 24/11/2011 12:06

awful teacher; creepy even;

good outcome with deputy head.

I guess you maybe do in future need to make sure such forms for no photos etc are sent directly maybe with personal letter to head, or taken in in person, just to be doubly sure. unless kids are fostered they prob wouldnt think to look to see if you had signed "no photos" as most would sign yes, i guess. wihtout giving full details you could make sure any future school/teacher knows that no phtoos and no contact with dad. (and this means them being sensistive when doign eg family trees...)

your mother - keep distance i guess as far as you can and dont take it personally - you certainly have been thru enough without being reminded.

jasminerice · 24/11/2011 12:16

Well done for going to see the head. I also think you should put your complaint in writing so there is an indisputable record of it. Schools do seem to have a habit of trying to brush things under the carpet unfortunately.

JustForThisOne · 24/11/2011 13:33

yes, put it into writing, factual and firm
dont like the image of this guy walking away from a group of children with your daughter to ask her personal stuff.....
will you find out what his reason for doing that was? Will you be present when the subject is approached by the head teacher? You should be allowed really as he use that shock tactic to get close to your dd
...the creep....!

Ariesgirl · 24/11/2011 13:48

I think you've had enough replies to know that your instincts are completely the right ones. Do what you feel is right.

I just wanted to say how much I admire you for getting you and your family out of that hideous situation and succeeding. Bloody amazing.

MammaBrussels · 24/11/2011 13:54

Agree with the others who have said put it into writing and ask to a see a copy of their safeguarding/ child protection policies. You could give the school some really good advice to make sure this does not happen to DD or any other child. I'd also suggest having a look at the General Teaching Council's Code of Conduct, as it gives ways to complain about a teacher if you're not satisfied with how the school deal with it.

Eglu · 24/11/2011 14:05

It looks like the school are going to take it seriously, which is good. This teacher should know that it is completely wrong what he did.