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Original poster

Absolutely furious with school...advice please.

112 replies

NewPatchesForOld · 23/11/2011 22:30

Haven't been on MN for a while, but once again I am in need of some wisdom. In a nutshell, I took my 3 DCs and fled domestic violence - the abuse was towards me and the kids, and was emotional, physical and sexual. He was also charged with rape of another woman, indecent assault and buggery.

DD2 was only 3 when we fled, after I found he had been seriously abusing her, and we went into a refuge, before moving hundreds of miles away, becoming effectively homeless, before I found us a house to rent, started up my own business, and settled in to a new village. The kids are flourishing, DD1 is at college, DS has lovely friends and DD2 (now 7) is excelling at school.

However, recently there was an event in the village which I knew would attract media attention and the junior school was taking part, so I had a quiet word with DD2's teacher and just asked him to make sure DD2 wasn't approached by the media (as they often do with school children...'what did you think of so and so' kind of thing). He asked why and I merely said that we had fled domestic abuse and exH had no idea where we are and I needed to keep it that way.

When the village event happened, they made DD2 stand at the back where she couldn't see, and made a big thing of saying that mummy didn't want her to be at the front, which gave rise to some questioning on DD2's part.

Today she came home from school and told me that her teacher had told her 'we need to talk about the other day', and walked around with her (thus stopping her from playing with her friends at playtime) and proceeded to ask her questions...did she mind not seeing her Dad, did she speak to him, what happened in the past...I am furious. She was only 3 when we left and barely remembers him, but now all his questioning has brought things to the forefront of her mind.

How dare he question a 7 year old? He should have asked me if he wanted to know anything. He has no idea what a can of worms he has opened. I am appalled at his insensitivity, violation and unprofessionalism.

What are your views/thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
NewPatchesForOld · 25/11/2011 11:46

And actually, his being 'deeply christian' is only likely to sway me the other way, as I have a huge distrust of religion. I was brought up a catholic, but life and what happened to us made me lose any faith I had.

OP posts:
jasminerice · 25/11/2011 11:49

The teacher sounds as if he is trying to avoid bearing any responsibility for his totally inexcusable actions by becoming the victim in all this ie poor teacher he's in pieces have a bit of sympathy. Don't fall for it, not that you have, but make sure the head teacher does not fall for it either.

Also definately question the relevance of his christianity in all of this. Again, I suspect a ruse on his part to persuade the head teacher that he had no bad intentions in questioning your DD. Don't fall for any of it.

I would expect at the very least a very black mark to go on his record for what he has done. He totally breached and exploited his position of authority as your DD's teacher and his integrity and suitability to be a teacher I feel have been called into question. I would lose all trust in him if it happened to my DD.

TheOriginalFAB · 25/11/2011 11:49

Bloody hell AngrySad.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 25/11/2011 11:50

I wonder about the relevance of him being deeply Christian. My DH is and he is a teacher too. He would no more behave in the way yours has than he would fly.
My only problem with your idea FAB is one of the DC finding it. It may also need updating too.
((((((((((((newpatchesforold))))))))))) who sounds like a brilliant mother.

homeaway · 25/11/2011 11:51

Hi I could not read and run. I wanted to say that you sound like an amazing and courageous mother to your children. If you get on well with your brother and think it is safe to tell him then he might be able to provide you with support that your mother cant or wont give you . Dont let your mother have the power, if she is a negative part in your life dont be guilty, that is not your fault it is hers. I am sending you lots of virtual hugs you deserve them.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 25/11/2011 11:51

Fucking Nora Sad and bloody Angry on everyone affected by this man.

Original poster
NewPatchesForOld · 25/11/2011 12:00

Thanks again all

I hope I didn't offend you kreecher when I said I am mistrustful of religion? My oldest (and alas not local) friend is a born again christian and I love her to pieces, and although we debate religion she respects my views and I respect hers. But despite her strong faith she will be appalled when I tell her what he has done (she is a school governor where she lives). Religion is just not for me and in this case I agree...I think he and/or the school is hiding behind that somewhat. I will be asking for the relevance when I go to see her later. The teacher in question has asked if he can apologise to me personally, so whether he will be there too I don't know and at the moment I feel like ripping his head off!

OP posts:
mummytime · 25/11/2011 12:02

The Christian it is irrelevant, if he is C of E then he should be refered to the Child protection practises of his own church. I help with a Holiday club, and every year we undergo child protection training which involves: no photos of those for whom permission has been withheld, no "confidences", who to refer onto (the Church Child Protection officer, and who is above her), what to refer (anything even slightly worrying). I would never dream of questioning a child, its none of my business, and if they choose to confide I would tell them I would have to pass on and listen without judgement/leading questions, oh and write everything down asap to be passed on.
(If he is a Catholic I would be wary like you, there are lovely Catholics bt you still hear awful stories. And some other Churches, you just wonder if they have the resources etc.
I hope you have written to the school, and maybe the Governors and the LEA need to be informed too; as although the Head seems horrified, her defence of her teacher might cloud her judgement.

Original poster
NewPatchesForOld · 25/11/2011 12:08

Mummytime...I will wait to hear whet the head says before I decide what to do next. If I feel she is making excuses for his behaviour I will pull no punches believe me.

Yes, the catholic faith has bad press, rightly so in a lot of cases but I am actually wary of all religions, as has been shown in this case, some people use it as an excuse or a mask. But please don't let anyone think I am disrespecting their beliefs, just the people who use it as a disguise.

OP posts:
kreecherlivesupstairs · 25/11/2011 12:10

Not offended in the slightest.

TheOriginalFAB · 25/11/2011 12:10

Oh yes you are right about that. I have experience of religion being used in a way that it was never meant to be.

mistlethrush · 25/11/2011 12:14

I was Shock that he even asked you why she should not be in pictures and to go on and speak to your dd was a completely unchristian thing to do.

I hope that your DD stops getting the recurring dream very quickly and you can get back onto the even keel that you've made for your family in very difficult circumstances.

Please make sure that your complaint etc goes in writing though, difficult as it will be for it to be written down.

Deux · 25/11/2011 12:22

You are very brave and courageous.

The Christian thing is a red herring in this situation.

I do think it might be a good idea to put your complaint in writing too, then the school will have to respond to you in writing.

FWIW, I do think a formal complaint should be lodged naming this particular teacher. His ignorance is no excuse for his behaviour. Stupid teacher being 'in pieces'.

So what if you have opened a can of worms, the school is obviously not following protocols and procedures and this is the kind of thing they are supposed to protect against.

Hope it is all resolved.

Original poster
NewPatchesForOld · 25/11/2011 12:59

Deux...absolutely, any can of worms I might open with my complaint is nothing to the can of worms he has opened in my family. He's not the one who has to comfort her in the middle of the night when she has a nightmare, or field difficult questions, or bring to the front of her mind that her father was a monster. He's not the one who has to watch her go into a world of her own, deep in thought.

One thing the last few years has made me is strong, there is nothing that I can't take on now.

OP posts:
jened34 · 25/11/2011 13:13

I think you are an amazing woman and my heart goes out to you. Seems to me that this teacher who was unable to contain his curiosity may be the cat that gets it. I hope so!

At best it was such a serious lack of judgement that I wander if he is actually capable of being responsible for a class of children or that he is so naive that he doesn't think of consequences!

I really hope the school sort this out for you in a satisfactory way and that your dd's nightmares stop soon.

You and your dc's sound amazing and you should be so proud of yourself! I hope it all settles down quickly for you.

dixiechick1975 · 25/11/2011 13:14

I would be questioning their child protection training and procedures in writing - contact ofsted?

I applied to be a matron at DD's dance show. Had to be licenced by LA. Part of this was to do an online basic child protection course which of course said in simple terms not to do what the teacher has done.

cestlavielife · 25/11/2011 14:05

if you do meet the teacher face to face make sure it is not just you and him alone....

weblette · 25/11/2011 14:22

Any meeting you have with the teacher has to be on YOUR terms, it's not just to salve his conscience.

As for the 'Christian' bit, it had absolutely no bearing on child protection last time I looked and as suggested earlier is a complete red herring in this.

Regardless of how bad the school's information handover may have been, the way he acted breached the absolute basics of how he should behave.

You are an amazingly strong woman x

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 25/11/2011 14:28

NewPatchesforOld, you are a fantastically strong, brave and honourable mum and i am so glad your children have you as their mother.

Give the Head, the teacher and the school both barrels. they need to know JUST HOW BAD this is.

love and hugs to you and your precious DD. take your pick of Wine, Brew or Thanks, in fact have all 3, you deserve them!!

TheOriginalFAB · 25/11/2011 14:37

OFSTED won't be interested.

We contacted them about the physical assaults our son had and they said they couldn't do anything as it was only one child and not the whole school that was affected.

grumplestilskin · 25/11/2011 14:38

I am glad that the head and deputy are shocked and distressed that it happened, but do not think that the communication breakdown in any way justifies him taking her off like that and questioning her, he should not have done that regardless of her background! its just a no! I've only done basic safeguarding training and I know its a massive no, as does common sense tell us, and if somehow he feels his christianity somehow overrides regulations, safeguards, training and even common sense, then that is a HUGE problem and IMO needs more than just an upsetting telling off IYKWIM

and I am christian, but at the same time deeply mistrusting of any christian (or other faith) who feels their religion somehow rises them above normal social limits/guidelines if that makes sense

JinglePosyPerkin · 25/11/2011 14:41

Oh poor you & poor DD Sad. As everyone else has said this is totally inexcusable.

I also find this teacher's actions very creepy. I hope the Head deals with this appropriately & that your DD doesn't have any more nightmares Sad.

You really do sound like an amazing mum, I'm so sorry this twat has made life harder for you again (((((((hugs)))))))

TheOriginalFAB · 25/11/2011 14:41

If he felt he needed to ask her he surely would have known to take her privately and officially. The fact her didn't? Speaks volumes.

Zanywany · 25/11/2011 14:54

Just wanted to say that I think you are an amazing Mum who is doing a brilliant job bringing up her DC's in an awful situation. I am glad that your DC's are able to be open with you and can talk to you and it shows what a good parent you are to be able to offer then so much support. Such a shame your Mum is unable to do the same for you. Would it help to talk to your brother as no matter how strong yuo are yuo need support too.

((hug))

chelen · 25/11/2011 17:07

Hi, coming in late so apologies if this has been said but I would make a formal complaint about both issues -

  1. Shocking CP procedures on transfer - basically the responsibility of the Infant Head
  2. The unprofessional behaviour of the teacher at the Junior school.

I would make a complaint in writing to the LEA - not to the school - and demand a formal response.

I really hope your daughter feels more settled soon.