How often do exs phone their children?

[Maybee]

My xh phones every evening to speak to the kids. He always phones at v busy times like meal times and just before bed. Our 9 yr old rolls his eyes but speaks to him and the 2 & 3 yr old tend to run around with the phone babbling. Not meaning to be unfair but its really starting to piss me off. Calls are never just a quick goodnight they last 20mins +. I am in the meantime rushing about cooking or cleaning up keeping an eye on them or getting them bathed/settled for bed. After 30mins on the phone on Tues my x asked my son to install skype on my new computer at 8.40 so he could see him. I put my foot down and then x phoned me back and called me really unreasonable. The other 2 were in bed but my 9 yr old goes to bed at 8.30/9 on weeknights too. So I have suggested that we arrange times as kids have activities and eldest has hwork most nights. He screeched at me and hung up. He lives in the UK I moved to Ireland so he comes over twice a month and for 1/2 of school hols. I didn't think such frequent visits were sustainable but he has continued. He pretty much takes over my home when he comes as the kids are still young. Next visit is Saturday so I need to get it across to him that he cannot hang up and shout at me and then expect to just take over the house. He is v volatile. Also he cannot just phone when he needs to talk to them. I now make sure the kids lives go on as normal when he is around so that they don't miss out on parties and get too disrupted by his visits.

Obviously I want them to have regular contact with their dad but get the feeling that once more it is all about his needs.
I know it would be a lot worse if he wasn't interested in seeing them or talking to them but there must be a middle ground.
How do other people manage /communication/contact without huge dramas?

Wow. My ex never phones our kids, even on birthdays. They see him every 2nd weekend though. The kids don't seem to mind he doesn't phone.

I would say nightly calls are a bit much, especially when you're trying to get them all settled down at night. You're trying hard to maintain a routine, and I'd be pissed off at anyone phoning for 20 minutes every night.

Their routine has to come before his need to talk to them, in my opinion.

I think there are two things here. It isnt at all unreasonable to talk to your children every day. My ex usually phones or drops in to see his children and I encourage that (he has dropped in twice today and gone home with my eldest). They are HIS children too and I respect their relationship with him. I always call my children every day when they are with him, why shouldnt I?

On the other hand you dont have to give up your home to him or tolerate disrespectful behaviour.

Two things here:

1. How often should a parent call their kids? As often as is good for the kids. Small children have little attention span for talking on the phone.
2. What time should they call? This is something for the adults to sort out. Speak to your Ex. Arrange for him to call at a time that is suitable to your kids and your Ex.

I have suggested a set time but he won't agree to it. I also suggested him calling our eldest on his mobile in the evening so the little ones aren't unsettled before bed but he wont agree to it.

How old is your dsd? Your arrangement sounds like a good idea. We have 3 children tho and it would take ages as his calls are long. Our evenings are so full that there is never enough time to squeeze everything in before bedtime.
I had originally agreed with my x that he would come over once a month and see the boys here as they are young. He does go to a B&B when they go to bed. My house is v small. Sometimes I go away overnight and he sleeps here. He then felt that monthly visits weren't enough so he said he'd come twice a month. I said fine but it would mean that he would have to take them out to stuff in the area and not be in my house all the time. It resulted in a tantrum but he accepted it eventually. He was over In Oct for a week and took a sc house. The boys went to him for the whole week and it worked out ok. The next thing he had planned to come again. However he complains constantly about how expensive it is to me but comes anyway.
I thought the visits would settle into a monthly pattern and school hol times but obviously not.
I'm torn between anger and feeling sorry for him. Not living with my kids would be painful for me too but he did break up our family unit twice. Financially we were finally getting on our feet before the split and now he is struggling. Before when he lived with the kids he spent as much time out of the house as he could. I have moved on for the second time and have worked hard to get the boys settled in here and really resent his complaints and demands. I don't go whining to him ever.
Sorry this is a rant I didn't mean it to be. People have said it will just sort out but when we split before with just one baby he behaved dreadfully for 2 yrs. People wonder why I took him back and now I wonder why too although I don't regret it as I have 3 ds and they are delightful.

Golly! That would drive me mad!
My ex never phones to speak to the kids (they are 6&3), very occasionally the eldest has asked to call him which isn't a problem with me, but usually he is working and doesn't talk long so it kind of doesn't encourage it. I never phone to spk to them when they are with him, although I suspect when they get older and have mobiles this may change in both respects, but then he sees them twice a week and lives very close, so to call seems a bit silly!

Never, not at all. I always have to ring him. Occasionally he texts me and asks me to phone him so he can arrange when he wants to see dd. Yes, it's rubbish.

Its good to get different perspectives on this. When my eldest son went to Canada this summer for 2 weeks with his dad I didn't phone or skype him at all. I just told him to phone me when he felt like it so he phoned every few days. Had he not phoned I would have called to check that he was ok but I am not a phone person at all. In a few days when I feel less pissed off I will email him a schedule of their days/activities and suggest that he picks a time that isn't dinner or bedtime to call. I need to supervise the skype as the computer is new and the 2 yr old is a bit rough so practically speaking that can't be more than weekly. If I thought the kids benefited a lot from the calls I would'nt mind so much but our 9yr old is exasperated and sometimes won't answer the phone. The wee ones do babble enthusiastically but end up fighting over the phone at that time anyway.

Maybee, an agreement is not just desirable, it is necessary. I know this may be hard for you, but if he is not up for negotiating an agreeable time, you must put boundaries in place. Put boundaries in place. If he does not respect these then you must enforce them.

Try to find an agreement, explain that bedtime routine is necessary and should not be disrupted as it damages the DCs and is counterproductive to his relationship with them. Try to work with your Ex. A happy relationship with him will benefit your children.

Argue for their benefit, not yours and if he doesn't agree, unplug the phone at meal and bedtimes.

My xp phones ds 3 times a wk....call lasts about 1 minute maximum.
Ds doesn't really have anything to say (he does but just doesn't say it as he knows his dad isn't interested)....xp says Hi what u up to...ds replies Not much, playing xbox...then end of conversation
If I'm busy or we r eating I don't give my ds the phone to answer (I don't answer it) then I get ds to phone back and usually he moans about this and now I don't make him

Yes Dione I had thought of unplugging the phone. Him and my mum are the only people who phone me on the landline everyone else calls my mobile. I will try and get it sorted before he shows up.
I no longer bear any anger or resentment towards my x for letting us down but I do wonder who he is at times. He still tells fibs constantly, usually daft wee fibs and his personality /opinions will change to fit in with whoever he is speaking to. He is about as substantial as a shadow and hasn't a clue what he wants really although it sure as hell is never what's on his plate. That is why I don't think we will ever have a good relationship. Though I will continue to try and work with him.

You say he broke up your family twice, and you say he spent as much time as he possibly could outside the home when he still lived with you.

The kids are running around and rolling their eyes because they see through his phonecalls, see that Daddy isn't really that interested in them, he's trying to engage you through them, engage you into thinking about him, fussing and possibly arguing.

You can see it's not working - tell him you'll get them to call him if that's what they want. 'Sorry they're busy right now, I'll get them to call back'.

Maybee, I hear you. Do what is best for the kids. It may take you to be bad cop for a while, but unplug the phone at key times. His lies stem from his inner child. Not your problem and once you make that clear, he will have to step up and be adult. If he is really invested in your kids, he'll discuss with you and adapt. Do continue to try to work with him, but be prepared to put your foot down. Your children will thank you in the end.

Good Luck.

Please dont unplug the phone because your children's father wants to chat to them, I have one child with a father who hasn't seen her for over two years and one with a father who will take him for weekends but has no interest at all in his life. I can understand it disrupts your routine but there has to be a way around it.

every 3 months if they're lucky. sooner if he's fallen out with is girlfriend and wants to boost his ego by talking to me ( as in his ex- he used to do it to me aswell when we fell out, the old ex must be feeling pushed aside now)

YOu are dealing with a narcissist and he is behaving very predictably. He only wants the contact with the children because you have them every day and also because it is a way to be a thorn in your side. There is no way you can improve his behaviour by appeasement. You will have to fight him tooth and nail over everything. I strongly advise you to go to a solicitor and get a visitation agreement that suits you and the children hammered out and not to rely on any informal agreement you have made with the ex. There will be no end to the line pushing and the power plays otherwise -- actually even with a cast iron agreement that covers every hour of every day of the year you will still encounter problems, but at least you can quote your agreement when there are disputes. Please do not continue as you are. It sill drive you nuts.

If you like, for the time being, install the skype and let the chips fall where they may. It might be useful for your ex to see the children are not falling over themselves in desperate gratitude that he has called. It might also mollify him that you are acceding to at least one of his demands. But get an agreement in place that leaves absolutely no wiggle room. It can include details of exact times for calls. Whatever you end up paying will be a small price compared to the alternative, which is more and more of what is happening now (and worse too). He will not like the confrontation and you probably won't either, but it is well worth doing.

I'm thinking i've missed something...exact times for calls? Demands? Power plays?

I'm very tired so may have overlooked something?

Talking on skype will be much easier for the small ones as they can see him. Also you can tell him you will login to skype every day at say 5:30 for 20 minutes. If he wants to call at that time he can but otherwise no. Unplug the landline for a few weeks and make sure you are logged in to skype at the time you said.

Our children can phone and speak to the other parent whenever they want.
And we can phone and speak to our children whenever else want to.

I think it would be a bit controlling to tell my ex she couldn't phone when the children are with me.

i'm as confused as Thefrogs is over this and no doubt many will fall on me like a ton of bricks immediately but his power plays? he's a narcissist? You should fight your ex tooth and nail over everything? I don't see that at all. Sorry but we hear a fraction of the full story on here and then only one person's side. I can see the situation is stressing you out which isn't great but i can also see a father who is trying to have a relationship with his children. Shouting on the phone and hanging up isn't good but I expect he thought you were being unreasonable.

The kids can phone their dad when they want although they aren't bothered. We got our eldest a mobile phone for this reason. The issue is with x phoning at v busy times.

Also apart from wanting to check that they are ok I don't see any need to phone them when they are with their dad.
Granted they live with me although I have already outlined times that are good for calls. Its not about control.
Tue after school theres football, Wed we go for a swim, Thurs scouts, Fri football again and Sat am skateboarding. So the schedule is busy. These are all things that ds 1 has chosen to do and cost v little money.
Factor in homework, mealtimes, having a pal over now and then stories before bed and theres little time left.
The skype idea is a sensible one macro tho i don't think we could manage it daily.
X finishes work early so is home at his house at 4pm which is a good time when we are home in fact anytime up until dinnertime is ok but he wont commit to this. Why would he? his life is less predictable than mine, he may go for a pint en route home that's life apparently.
I do not want to stand in the way at all of my kids relationship with their dad as I would hate that to be thrown back at me in the future by any of them but what pisses me off here is that he must remember how busy evenings are from before we split up last November and that was with 2 parents and 3 kids. As I said before it is never a quick goodnight it goes on and on.

Also when we moved back here i kept asking x to buy them a webcam so they could see him regularly. He didn't kept procrastinating so i bought one myself in the end. At last I have a decent computer with a built in cam. So now there are still scenes when he feels like skyping and its impractical. There are just so many inconsistencies in his behaviour that things actually need to be structured in a way that they wouldn't with a reasonable person.

almost never.
BUT he has the boys 2 x nights a week (one weeknight, one weekend) and doesn't contact them in between.
If he doesn't have them for any reason (very rare - when either he or we are away) he will call them midweek.
Oh, and on their birthday's & Christmas if they are with me and not him.
In the 3.5 years we have been separated I can probably count on one hand the number of times that they have asked to call him - it just doesn't happen, probably because they have other stuff to do and are confident in the routine that they have as they see him regularly.

In your situation I would pick a time each day when the children can be available. To say you can't manage it every day isn't really on - there must be a time each day when you can manage it, even if you have to limit the length. The 2 & 3 yo are too small to chat for a long time on the phone anyway, but the 9yo can.

Pick a set time for skype, if there are days when you won't be able to switch it on at that time - email or text him and let him know in advance, but try and make those days the exception not the rule.
Your 2 & 3yo can have a quick chat then your 9yo can talk to him while you are putting the 2 & 3yo to bed. Make it part of the bedtime routine "come and say goodnight to daddy".
Try and impress on him that you aren't trying to stop his contact with the children but you also have to manage life yourself, and it isn't easy.

I have to say good on your ex for upping the visits to fortnightly, although I fully understand how having him in your house is probably crap for you - I am not sure I could do that myself. Are there other options to this?

Could you show him a copy of this thread (without your username)?