How often do exs phone their children?

[Maybee]

My xh phones every evening to speak to the kids. He always phones at v busy times like meal times and just before bed. Our 9 yr old rolls his eyes but speaks to him and the 2 & 3 yr old tend to run around with the phone babbling. Not meaning to be unfair but its really starting to piss me off. Calls are never just a quick goodnight they last 20mins +. I am in the meantime rushing about cooking or cleaning up keeping an eye on them or getting them bathed/settled for bed. After 30mins on the phone on Tues my x asked my son to install skype on my new computer at 8.40 so he could see him. I put my foot down and then x phoned me back and called me really unreasonable. The other 2 were in bed but my 9 yr old goes to bed at 8.30/9 on weeknights too. So I have suggested that we arrange times as kids have activities and eldest has hwork most nights. He screeched at me and hung up. He lives in the UK I moved to Ireland so he comes over twice a month and for 1/2 of school hols. I didn't think such frequent visits were sustainable but he has continued. He pretty much takes over my home when he comes as the kids are still young. Next visit is Saturday so I need to get it across to him that he cannot hang up and shout at me and then expect to just take over the house. He is v volatile. Also he cannot just phone when he needs to talk to them. I now make sure the kids lives go on as normal when he is around so that they don't miss out on parties and get too disrupted by his visits.

Obviously I want them to have regular contact with their dad but get the feeling that once more it is all about his needs.
I know it would be a lot worse if he wasn't interested in seeing them or talking to them but there must be a middle ground.
How do other people manage /communication/contact without huge dramas?

No, I'm not insinutating anything, because I'm not a tosser.

but volatile does not = violent. We weren't told he was violent until Tuesday, by which time I had assumed all pertinant information had been given.

mathanxiety, you are putting words into my mouth, and making assumptions about my motives that are grounded in neither fact nor reasonable assumption. Will you stop doing that please?

Some posters on this thread weem to have no experience (lucky them!) or understanding (shame!) of what it is like to deal with a controlling, uncooperative ex who is always trying to push boundaries and make out that you are the unreasonable one for not letting them. Although the OP has moved away, it sounds as though the relationship was initially ended by her ex.
Like mathanxiety, I have one child who would prefer never to have contact with her father, the other one is much younger and can still forgive his shortcomings as a dad. The OP has said the 9 year old often 'rolls his eyes' and doesn't want such frequent contact. Doesn't that say something?

Volatile = a person you would not be comfortable with.

Here's a dictionary definition:
'tending or threatening to break out into open violence; explosive'
Here's another:
'Tending to violence; explosive'

And here's another dictionary definition, one which is just as valid -

"changeable; mercurial; flighty: a volatile disposition."

which is why I didn't immediately assume violence.

Another one ...... "(of persons) disposed to caprice or inconstancy; fickle; mercurial "

Again - not a hint of violence.

Colditz you are STILL being an insensitive arse.

OP was living away from her original home, she has moved back. Her children now live closer to her uncles, aunts, grandparents etc. Surely that is a good thing. Stop nitpicking about who said what when and give this woman a round of applause for being strong for her children.

Well since you have now had the benefit of reading all the OP's posts, I think you can take it that those meanings were not the ones the OP had in mind when she used the term volatile, right?

There is a hint of 'disposed to violence' in 'volatile' -- anyone reading the word would normally assume all possible meanings might apply until further clarification was provided (unless they had already made their mind up that this was one of those alleged game-playing women).

OP used the violent here, not volatile. He is volatile as well as violent. The two often go together.

X became violent to me the first time on a family holiday when he got drunk and ds was v small. I don't want to spell it out but it was v unpleasant. the next day he said sorry but also convinced me that I had brought it on myself. anyway he did exactly the same thing last year when the penny dropped that I was definitely leaving him. This time it was in front of the tots aged 1 and 2. Thank goodness our 9yr old was in another room.

I think this thread has kind of lost it's way

In all seriousness I think we should get the thread back on track by either suggesting things that have a positive impact on the relationship between child and both parents, or have a positive impact on making parenting easier better and less stressful for both parents.

I think it's up to the OP to decide when her thread has lost its way.

OP always writes 'My' children.

My Exh's previous partner was the same. 'My girls'. He was a shit and she was a right shit too. The children will have to make their own way. The OP is very smug and schedule bound - she sounds exactly like exh's previous partner. It's just an immense fuck up all round. Desperate really. But that's divorce, fucking around and hatred for you.

Actually OP uses a mix of "our", "my" and "the". I don't think the OP sounds smug at all, what a nasty and unnecessary post.

Ok let's just say the phone situation has resolved itself for now.

Some people v clearly get what it is like when you do your damnedest to sort out contact /access for your kids and it gets thwarted and perimeters get pushed to the point of driving you over the edge and others don't or maybe haven't experienced it. In any case I didn't mention any of the nasty stuff originally in any detail cos the original post was just looking for suggestions on nightly phonecalls. I didn't think it necessary. It wasn't till the outrage at me moving back home started that I went into more detail. I could bore you all with stories from the past of contact being cancelled at the last minute and all kinds of devious games but how much detail do people need?
Unlikely I don't think calling the kids 'my kids' has any connotations whatsoever your post is unenlightening. Even when we were together if I was talking about them I'd just say 'my son/s' unless he was there and involved in the conversation. When you're talking about your kids do you always say 'our son/daughter'? Trust me I wouldn't dare refer to them as 'mine' to my x . I just name them or call them the boys.

As I've said before the boys aren't that enthusiastic about the phone and before anyone pounces on me and implies that that is probably due to my reaction. I can safely say hand on heart that I never express any kind of negativity to them about their dad. Not through any sense of loyalty to him but to minimise the impact of the split on them.

He phoned yesterday and ds1 had a pal home so didn't come to the phone. Ds 2 didn't want to either so ds 3 did the chatting. I encouraged ds1 to give him a call later but he was too tired.
In any case I think that is fairly normal which goes back to my original posts that daily calls are a bit much but that is up to him. He is phoning at calmer times so its out of my hands.

There you go already as I was writing my last post someone jumps in to imply that the rp can have a negative influence on the nrp's relationship with their child. Well yes obviously it doesn't take a great genuis to work that one out but I'm definitely not guilty of that one.

ok. [leaves]

[comes back] You sound very angry and upset OP. Have you ever had any help or support over why you allowed yourself and your DCs to be treated so badly?

I am only coming from a viewpoint that is very very unwelcome on these kind of threads - ie, my EXdh 's ex partner was really a tragic horrendous nightmare. I am glad EXh ran away for one reason - i no longer have to have anything to do with her. She was abusive, violent and horrific for seven years.

There are some shit women as well as shit men in this world. And shit parents. And shit grandparents. Dont get so high horse. I have some wisdom though it maybe the only wisdom you want to hear is the one that suits your current situation.

may be

that

(crap grammar)

It may be that your particular wisdom doesn't fit the current situation, all the same...

Math, I bow to you.

I don't understand why some people end up having to explain their whole story after posting for some simple advice. Why should the OP have to explain that her relationship was abusive? Why should she have to justify her decision to move closer to her family to a bunch of strangers?

And I always talk about my kids so I'm obviously smug too!

Maybee you shouldn't have to justify yourself. Anyone with the tiniest bit of empathy, or emotional intelligence would be able to tell that some really bad things have happened to you.

On the other hand there are a lot of people out there that don't do empathy and they don't do emotional intelligence.

Glad things are a little bit more sorted out for you OP, I hope this hasn't put you off asking for advice on MN. I have heard some men come on here with precisely that idea in mind. I think it makes them feel better or something - they can't help themselves, it's just the way they're wired up.