How often do exs phone their children?

[Maybee]

My xh phones every evening to speak to the kids. He always phones at v busy times like meal times and just before bed. Our 9 yr old rolls his eyes but speaks to him and the 2 & 3 yr old tend to run around with the phone babbling. Not meaning to be unfair but its really starting to piss me off. Calls are never just a quick goodnight they last 20mins +. I am in the meantime rushing about cooking or cleaning up keeping an eye on them or getting them bathed/settled for bed. After 30mins on the phone on Tues my x asked my son to install skype on my new computer at 8.40 so he could see him. I put my foot down and then x phoned me back and called me really unreasonable. The other 2 were in bed but my 9 yr old goes to bed at 8.30/9 on weeknights too. So I have suggested that we arrange times as kids have activities and eldest has hwork most nights. He screeched at me and hung up. He lives in the UK I moved to Ireland so he comes over twice a month and for 1/2 of school hols. I didn't think such frequent visits were sustainable but he has continued. He pretty much takes over my home when he comes as the kids are still young. Next visit is Saturday so I need to get it across to him that he cannot hang up and shout at me and then expect to just take over the house. He is v volatile. Also he cannot just phone when he needs to talk to them. I now make sure the kids lives go on as normal when he is around so that they don't miss out on parties and get too disrupted by his visits.

Obviously I want them to have regular contact with their dad but get the feeling that once more it is all about his needs.
I know it would be a lot worse if he wasn't interested in seeing them or talking to them but there must be a middle ground.
How do other people manage /communication/contact without huge dramas?

Really, if he is that committed to his kids, he should be prepared to work out a time when it is least disruptive to them -not him, or you- when he can call to speak to them.
I think everyone knows what evenings are like with after school activities, homework, dinner, bedtime routines etc.. Fitting a 20min+ conversation/supervising of wee ones on the phone every day in the middle of it, can understand being difficult. Perhaps he could call the wee ones at a time when you are all less busy? If he works I am sure he gets breaks or lunch time where he can fit in a call? Then you could get elder to call him at a time (and frequency) that suits him... After homework/ before bed, you can always get him to call back so the bill is shared.
After all this is for the benefit of the kids. If elder is getting peed off by it, it is hardly benefitting his relationship with his dad.

mjn they shouldn't be too busy for their dad.

It depends on the Dad's motive for calling. He calls at the busiest time of the evening and no doubt will hear Mum struggling in the background.

I no longer bear any anger or resentment towards my x for letting us down but I do wonder who he is at times. He still tells fibs constantly, usually daft wee fibs and his personality /opinions will change to fit in with whoever he is speaking to. He is about as substantial as a shadow and hasn't a clue what he wants really although it sure as hell is never what's on his plate.

This is no ordinary committed Dad.

" Our evenings are so full that there is never enough time to squeeze everything in before bedtime."

Squeeze something other than his calls out. It's lovely that he speaks to them every day!

Maybee,

It sounds like you are trying to limit his relationship with the kids. If you put them in a position where they have to reject him to please you, it will mess their heads up.
If it was you who relocated, is he bearing all the costs of maintaining contact?

My ex tends to call once a week. His choice, I don't mind but I am surprised it is not more often.

Whatever the circumstances of the break up all I can read into this is that your children's father is committed to maintaining a good relationship with them. He calls every day and visits every two weeks (travelling a long way to do so). Your children deserve to have a good relationship with their father. His calls may be an inconvenience to you but for him they may be a necessity.

Be the grown up here and work it out with him for the sake of your children. There's nothing wrong with saying we're having tea/just getting in the bath right now and I'll ring you back in half an hour/20 minutes. But as far as I'm concerned your ex has every right to call his children every day and if you prevent him doing this in my view you are restricting access.

My ex skypes my DC once a week for about 45min. I have found that it works best to do this at a meal time as then my DC (who are similar ages to your youngest two) are in highchairs eating, so enjoy having him as their breakfast entertainment and it also means that they are not wrecking the laptop as they can't reach it. We stick to the same time slot or my exh gives a day's notice if he needs to change the time. I did have to put my foot down a bit to get this arrangement but our DC now know the day he calls and are disappointed when he doesn't, so I thought that consistency and routine were really important for them. Because they only speak once a week our DC love it and are captivated. I strongly encouraged my exh to use puppets and sing songs as part of the call (as youngest was only 12months at the beginning). Exh wasn't that keen intially (understatement) but to be fair to him, he now does it brilliantly and I can leave them to it for the length of the call.

I'm in a similar situation to you with regards to where my exh stays when he visits our DC. At times it has been very difficult but nowadays things are ok. I really recommend detaching as much as possible from your exh, like don't even bother to spend time pondering why he acts like he does or getting exasperated by his personaltity etc. Accept that these things are beyond your control and thankfully, you no longer have to live with him. I found that this has really helped me. I minimised my exh so much in my life that his words generally have little effect on me. I discuss all issues child related via email and do not get drawn into any long conversations with my exh at all. For me, this has preserved my sanity in trying circumstances and stopped the huge dramas.

Just to add that my exh only wants to speak to the DC once a week. Any more than that is far too much for his 'busy schedule' and it is 'exhausting' for him. I would faint if he expressed a wish to speak to them every day.

When my DD was younger her Dad called every day, at whatever time he could manage. When DSS is with us we get him to call his Mum twice a day. So to me it is a normal, reasonable thing to do; in fact it is highly desirable, given that he is trying to maintain a relationship with his children who are in a different country.

I think you need to examine your motives honestly. You say you want to maintain the relationship but you moved a huge distance and are now objecting to telephone calls and want to limit visits. You arrange things in his contact time. You want him to phone at a less busy time - but then go on to list the vast number of things that make all your evenings so packed you can't spare a minute. And if all that fails, it 'disrupts their routine'.

I'm sure you have a lot of anger and you say he broke the family up twice, but that isn't the children's fault. Of course he shouldn't be rude to you, or disrespectful - but if someone took my kids out of the country and then tried to stop me talking to them on the phone I'd be rude, too.

I agree with Realhousewife's post.

The notion that you are trying to limit his time with the children is possibly a long game he is trying to play here: he calls at an unreasonable time and spends too long chatting and may try to use your objection to this as a means of showing that you are unwilling to encourage his relationship with the children.

That is why it is important to set up the Skype and at the same time set rules about the time he can call that suit you. You can give a little and get a little sanity into the situation all at the same time.

When dealing with someone like this you need to resist the constant pushing of limits, but you need to be smart about how you do it. What he is doing has already come across on this thread for a lot of posters as something reasonable and a sign of a good father. Be careful. Think about compromises that will suit you.

It is nonsense that the child's life should be on hold during a non-residential parent's time with the children. That is bad for the children and bad for the relationship.

The whole idea behind seeing the father here is that the father takes part in the children's lives, not that the children get to be little satellites of him while he is visiting. He should be getting to know their friends, getting to know the parents in whose homes they sped time, getting to see their activities and in short, becoming a part of their lives. On the occasions when he visits, he should have advance notice of the children's activities and he should be expected to schlep them around, introduce himself to the other parents and to the DCs' friends; behave like their parent in other words.

To have their normal lives disrupted by their father's visit may well be ok when they are toddlers but once they enter the world of school and friends and sport, etc., they will come to resent it. It is not normal and not the way things would be if the parents were together, and the DCs will feel impatient for the visit to be over. In the long run having the father playing taxi driver and cheering squad and party-gift bringer will pay off far better for the relationship than treating the father like the 'special' out of town visitor.

actually math, if the OP hadnt moved to Ireland, chances are they would be trecking to wherever their father lived, possibly missing loads.

I personally dont approve of that and both my son and step children have maintained their social lives which ever parent they are with, but I am aware distance, and sometimes the poor relationship between parents, doesnt allow for that.

I just sent an email diplomatically explaining things to him and suggesting better times to call. I moved to Ireland to be closer to my family-it is where I am from. We had both been applying for jobs here before we split up anyway. Just before we got back together the last time I was getting organised to move back here and start ds1 in P1. After many long chats and a big long trial period together we got back together and I stayed in Scotland but continued to apply for jobs here as did my x. He is from Canada and from the minute ds1 was born expressed a desire to go back there. He told ds1 recently that he was intending to move back in a few years so my hunch is and has always been that whether I stayed in Scotland to appease him or not he might move back anyway. Luckily ds1 wasn't phased by this revelation. Anyway it is good to get different views. Rather than organising stuff in his contact time I intend to do what Mathanxiety suggests and get him to ferry them around to these things.

What math anxiety said for lots of different reasons.

Seeing his children twice a month is standard visitation, and half the long Irish school holidays is more than most have. Irish schools get far longer than the British 6 weeks in summer.

Seeing your children as a NRP twice a month is standard, but it's pretty crap.

Who here would want to see their children that infrequently?

I think that in moving overseas you had and have to continue to accept the fact that this would mean things would be more difficult to maintain contact between the children and their father. it certainly sounds like he is extremely keen to do his best. Tbh it sounds like you just see him as a pain and wish he would butt out of your/your childrens' life.

It is standard and it is crap, but realistically, what is to be done about it? Move to live next door? Parents make the best of it. They choose to divorce and with that comes consequences.

Some ex spouses are pains in the butt and their former partners would like nothing more than to have them vapourise. Some ex spouses use contact with children as a way to continue to abuse their ex partner. That is why a cast iron visitation agreement is often advisable.

standard contact is crap I agree, for example my husband does not provide 50/50 care for our children, but that is because he works to support us all, he loves them as much as me and is an equal parent, certainly if we split, he would be entitled to as much time with them as I am.

I am in the boat of having an ex who sees the DCs every two weeks and tbh the DCs are already counting the years, months, weeks and days left until they can close the door on it and never look back. The two oldest who are over 18 do not speak to him, oldest DD since she was about 15 or 16. You reap what you sow when it comes to children.

Totally off the ops topic but I agree with you there - DHs ex is going to be a very lonely old woman

"your reap what you sow"

That's the exact phrase that springs to mind though for this thread. OP chose to move overseas and finds the phonecalls from her ex to the children, the purpose of which is so that he can maintain contact in these circumstances, intrusive

I finally spoke to my x and he has agreed that he will call at times when the house is less chaotic. He can call daily if he wants but understands now that mealtimes and bedtimes are not appropriate for the 2 and 3 yr old especially. It's not the calls that are intrusive but the times.
Hopefully that is sorted. Our 9yr old was out playing with his pals in the street when he called yesterday and was v miffed when I called him in to speak but there you go. I ain't standing in anybody's way.
I could list my reasons for moving to Ireland, Scotland is where I met x and we ended up there but I had always intended on moving back here as x knew tho I would not have left him had he not cheated. He is pretty unstable has addictive problems and has been violent to me not the boys but in front of them on two occasions. I could go on. In any case it was not a decision I made lightly.
What pisses me off though is that why is it when a dad acknowledges his kids, he gets a standing ovation? Loads of women may be juggling careers single parenthood, looking after ailing parents, putting kids first without a second thought and all kinds of stuff and somehow there is still this expectation that they should be managing the kids relationship with their fathers to fit around the dad's whims? It baffles me. Of course I am accomodating the fact that x still lives in Scotland. He sees the boys in my house every 2nd weekend but i'm not infantilising him. He's a grown man and as someone wisely said if he is so commited he can arrange his calls to fit their lives. That has been worked out now. But it is a 2 way street here its up to him to make his visits run smoothly for the boys too. Already he has yelled at me in my own house in front of them. so what next? Does he have the right now to behave as he pleases because I moved back to Ireland after trying to make things work second time around? Will it still be Oh well you moved put up with it? No I don't think so.

Ducks out before people start throwing rocks.