any advice?

[ashashash]

Hiya, I have been reading about the general issue online and it seems to provoke alot of angry responses.. So please be nice..
I split with my (ex) boyfriend when i was about 3 months pregnent. After 2 years living togeather he was convinced I had got pregnent on prspose to trap him! (blah blah. the pregnancy was neither prevented nor planned). He said he wasnt ready for a child and i ruined his life. Anyway, it was a terrible pregnancy full of rows and nastiness on both parts. There were many issues which lead to me deciding not to have him at the birth. He did want to be there, and changed his mind about wanting to be a part of our childs life. after my daughter was born i started taking her around to visit him at his mothers house every sunday.(whre he lives).. If he wasnt arging with me he was arguing with his mum and i found this too unsettling for my baby to be around. he then said he never wants to see me. he wanted me to give my baby to one of his friends twice a week so he could see her. My daughter was newborn and i didnt like the idea of being away from her at such a young age. Anyway after more arguments i decided it would be best to have no contact and try hard to maintain a calm balanced relaxed environment for my daughter. As far as im concerned that did not include himm. He isnt a violent man but he is so argumentitve. He is rude to me and i just dont want my daughter to be around such hostility.I live about 5 mins away from him and if i didnt take her to his he would have never seen her.
I got a letter from his solicitor saying he wanted to go to ourt. This is exactly what i didnt want. In and out the courts. Its just not what i want for her.
I have recently been moved from where i lived to a larger place. i dont want him to have the address as im not prepared to go to court. I dont care about his feelings, wants or needs at all. I want my daghter to have a father figure but i know he isnt right for her. i know he will fill her head with all sorts and mess her up.
So basically im keeping them two apart. Waiting to meet someone and create a family she deserves. But what if i never meet someone? do you think im doing the right thing? I have my mum in my head telling me i am, and my sister telling me to get intouch. Surly its a matter of 'will this inharnts or hinder her life'
As a mother you have to make serious decisions. and although he (and all of his friends and theres alot) thinks im the worst person alive i cant help thinking the father around, altough the great if it works, isnt the be all and end all.
The old cliche of 'the dad has 50 50 rights is wearing thin. I mean he has never worked, he is rude and part of me thinks the only reason he wants to see my precious baby is because he feels he is owed. And not because he want HER at all.
Does anyone else have an ex like this? Whats ur opinions?
As much as i hate him (hard to believe as he was my first love) I really guenuinly thinking of my daghter and my main focus is for her to have a dramaless and calm life. I jst dont think he can ensure that.

You do whatever you think is best regarding your DD. If you think keeping you DD away from a man who is poison then do it.There is no point asking other peoples opinions on this matter as most people who do not know you situation will automatically assume you're being spiteful and think without knowing you that you should give your child for access. I don't agree with tearing a child from home to home every other weekend. That is fucked up and no wonder society today is so screwed. And don't let anyone tell you not having a father in your DD life will do her harm later on in life. If you bring your child up correctly with morals and principles then your child will be fine.

You can ignore court orders summons etc if you want to. They can't arrest and charge you for not giving up your child for access. You haven't committed a criminal offence. It's family court. There is a difference.

I agree with Flissfloss - you do what you think is right for your DD and I agree the court system is flawed - but I guess you gotta weigh up what will cause the least upset for your DD. Perhaps you can try to sort something out between yourselves - maybe suggest a regular contact system YOU are happy with - but if he won't play ball then then just do what you have to do.

Thank you didi and flissfloss..First of all can i say its so nice.. well not nice, but u know what i mean lol, to hear a story like yours. You always hear stories about violent or drug abuse ect causing such issues with contact to children, but somehow its seems that if you ex if genrally just gonna make the next 18 years stressful and unhappy for you and your chiild thats ok. I just dont think it is.
Where i guess im second guessing myself is that i didnt know my father until last year. He moved to another country and we never got in touch. I always wanted to know about him.. not to the extent if affected my life. i was never unsatisifed or sad to not have him around. i had a step father who i still consider my father. but im worried that im just repeating the familier trend of not having a biology father around. having said that i understand now, after getting to know my real father why my mother didnt want him involved.
I so do want my daughter to have both parents in her life but not at a cost of having a 'normal' life.
i dont care abot HIS loss. i hear from him maybe once a month when he has run out of money and therefore can not do anything else with his time. makes me so angry..

although its definatly not concious, im sre somewhat, if im honest with myself there is an element of.. ' iv done all this work.. i work hard stay up most evenings, go without, sacrifice my life (which i have no problem doing btw) and do my very best for him to suddley swan in and be mr hero.. when he chooses. thats hard for me to say and im sure il get attacked for that on this forum but its true.
us mothers are human.
i know in my heart that inclding him will result in one messed up kid. the negitives out way the positives..

thank you for ur replies.. even though i have heard stuff iv not liked iv needed to hear them so thank u xx

My DH's mother took the decision he was better off without his Dad, making things as difficult as possible for FiL. It was the wrong decision for DH, and he still resents it.

I think your ex should have contact with his daughter.

There is a lot of research around that supports the court position that it is better for children to have relationships with both parents. Wny don't you check into some of it before you make this HUGE choice - which, incidentally, is denying your DD her rights. If you are out of the picture when contact takes place, I'm not sure why there waould be confrontation?