any advice?

[ashashash]

Hiya, I have been reading about the general issue online and it seems to provoke alot of angry responses.. So please be nice..
I split with my (ex) boyfriend when i was about 3 months pregnent. After 2 years living togeather he was convinced I had got pregnent on prspose to trap him! (blah blah. the pregnancy was neither prevented nor planned). He said he wasnt ready for a child and i ruined his life. Anyway, it was a terrible pregnancy full of rows and nastiness on both parts. There were many issues which lead to me deciding not to have him at the birth. He did want to be there, and changed his mind about wanting to be a part of our childs life. after my daughter was born i started taking her around to visit him at his mothers house every sunday.(whre he lives).. If he wasnt arging with me he was arguing with his mum and i found this too unsettling for my baby to be around. he then said he never wants to see me. he wanted me to give my baby to one of his friends twice a week so he could see her. My daughter was newborn and i didnt like the idea of being away from her at such a young age. Anyway after more arguments i decided it would be best to have no contact and try hard to maintain a calm balanced relaxed environment for my daughter. As far as im concerned that did not include himm. He isnt a violent man but he is so argumentitve. He is rude to me and i just dont want my daughter to be around such hostility.I live about 5 mins away from him and if i didnt take her to his he would have never seen her.
I got a letter from his solicitor saying he wanted to go to ourt. This is exactly what i didnt want. In and out the courts. Its just not what i want for her.
I have recently been moved from where i lived to a larger place. i dont want him to have the address as im not prepared to go to court. I dont care about his feelings, wants or needs at all. I want my daghter to have a father figure but i know he isnt right for her. i know he will fill her head with all sorts and mess her up.
So basically im keeping them two apart. Waiting to meet someone and create a family she deserves. But what if i never meet someone? do you think im doing the right thing? I have my mum in my head telling me i am, and my sister telling me to get intouch. Surly its a matter of 'will this inharnts or hinder her life'
As a mother you have to make serious decisions. and although he (and all of his friends and theres alot) thinks im the worst person alive i cant help thinking the father around, altough the great if it works, isnt the be all and end all.
The old cliche of 'the dad has 50 50 rights is wearing thin. I mean he has never worked, he is rude and part of me thinks the only reason he wants to see my precious baby is because he feels he is owed. And not because he want HER at all.
Does anyone else have an ex like this? Whats ur opinions?
As much as i hate him (hard to believe as he was my first love) I really guenuinly thinking of my daghter and my main focus is for her to have a dramaless and calm life. I jst dont think he can ensure that.

first of all i have been through similar although my ex was abusive. He had no contact with my dd as he did not want involvement but then i recieved the court summons when she was 15 months old. From a legal perspective i think you have to turn up so maybe get a solicitor. I get where you are coming from with you wanting to protect your baby but he has a right to see her and she has a right to have the oppurtunity to have a relationship with him. The courts will take that into account and if it goes that way he will be granted contact. I am not saying this to worry you but stating the facts that i have learnt through the ongoing court issues with my ex. How old is your dd?

I'm afraid that you can't prevent your ex taking you to court for contact if he decides that is the only route open to him.

If you continue to refuse any kind of contact then you will come acropper.
Your dd has a right to a relationship with her father. A right that the courts will uphold unless there you can prove there are significant welfare reasons why contact should not take place.

Don't worry too much at this stage, but don't ignore the solicitor letters either. If you don't want this to go to court there are other alternatives you can try.

Please remember that anything you say, write, text etc to him can and may well be used in court later. So please try not to get angry or say he'll never have contact. That won't help you should it come to court.

Court always want to see that mediation has been tried. If he offers mediation you should try this. I know you are probably angry and upset at his rejection of you and your beautiful dd, but you have to try and see beyond your own feelings and put your dd's needs and rights above your own personal feelings on him.

So you should consider mediation. You could offer contact at a contact centre to start with. As he is young and inexperienced you could insist that contact is with a third party (probably his mother?). And you can start off with short contact which gradually builds from an hour or two to 4 then 6 hours etc every couple of months or so.

You can fight this process which means he will probably take you to court and you will have a prolonged and stressful time, along with a lot of expense. Or you can accept that a court will likely order contact and instead try and come to a compromise that you are happy with, rather than having it forced on you.

It may well be that he gets bored and vanishes off again.
It may be that actually his mother is the one who wants a relationship with her grandchild and is pushing this along (and you might find it better to allow her that relationship with her grandchild regardless of her son).
And it might be that he has woken up to the reality of the situation and does actually want to be there for his dd and is ready to do it now and will actually step up to the plate.

thank you for your replys. my daughter is 18 months now. i was happ to give mediation a try but he turned it down. he doesnt want to look at me. he has such hatred and anger for the things that has been said, and yes im so cross with him but i dont wish to argue with him at all. infact that was why i orginally decided to break free of the argument. it just turned into a nasty circul of viciousness which i know he is still hanging on to. this is wha scares me to be honest. him and his friends hate me so much im worried that ptting our daughter in the middle of this 'war' will screw her up. please dont get me wrong he i would very mch love a few hours to myself each week. its pretty hard going being a single mother i find, but what ever my plan i know i have to be consistant. i understand there is no opportunity to 'try out the waters'. its either happeing or not.
his mother has never expressed mch intrest. Not to say that she wont in the fture and that is something i know i need to think about.
i appriciate what get what u mean. and its definatly given me food for thoght. Im just keen for my little girl to haave a smooth running calm life.

Unfortunately, if your case entered a courtroom, your ex WILL be given contact. Even if he has gone months without seeing your daughter. Do NOT ignore solicitors letters - if a court date is given and you do not turn up - the court can order that your EX is given full custody. (Happens Very rarely, but does happen in cases where the resident parent repeatedly ignores court dates).

If your ex does go to court, then get a good solicitor, accept in yourself that you cannot stop the court from giving your ex access to your daughter, and that the best thing you can do for your daughter is to get the process 'managed' in the best way for HER. I would advise contact centre for 3 months, unsupervised short day visits for 3 months, unsupervised full visits for 6 months, then your daughter will be old enough for overnight stays.

Whether you like ti or not, unless your ex has been PHYSICALLY VIOLENT TOWARDS THE CHILD, he WILL get access in court. You can't guarantee your little girl a smooth running calm life, you can only do your best with the parts of her life you can control. And access to her father is NOT one of those.

I was in a pretty similar situation to you, and it took my ex 12 years to want access to our daughter. He now sees her every 6 weeks (lives 600 miles away), and pays maintenance. I didn't fight the access, as a) It is in my daughter's best interest, and b) If he went to court, he'd have got access anyway.

well my address is unknown so cort is no longer an option anymore. Nut thank u for your reply. But you are right. I cant garantee my daughter a smooth running calm life. But sholdnt i try?

sorry for my tyypos.. keyboards playing up

Your ex can ask the court to locate you. They can and will do this to find you if necessary.

The court CAN AND DO find out addresses of resident parents (I should know...). I'm not 'against you', I've been where you are, worn the t-shirt. I'm just telling you how the system works. I hate it, but my DS1 has been having contact with his father since my Ex-H went to court when DS1(DS1 stands for Dear Son 1) was 18 months old.

The contact my Ex-H was given were exactly what I set out above. Even though my ex-h was smoking dope around my baby. (Which he has stopped now). 3 months in a contact centre, 3 months unsupervised short visits, 6 months unsupervised all day visits, then overnight weekend contact every other weekend.

My DS1 is now over 9yo. When he was 3 1/2, and at pre-school, the courts gave my Ex-H the following contact : One mid-week overnight (so he could do pre-school pick-up and drop-off), every other weekend from Saturday morning to Sunday night, and 1/3 of school holidays.

When my DS1 was 5yo, the courts changed the contact again, to the system we have now : Wednesday Ex-H picks up from school, has DS1 overnight, and drops him off at school in the morning. Every other Friday, Ex-H picks up DS1 from school and has him until school drop-off on Monday morning. Half of ALL school holidays. Split day on Birthday (pick up at 1pm). Every other Christmas with my Ex-H (goes at 6pm on Christmas eve, comes back at 10am Boxing day, then I have him the following Christmas).

THAT is what the courts will be building up to - that is what is normal. If the courts send letters to your last known address, and you are not on the electoral register (which is a legal requirement btw) then they CAN place a custody order in your absence if you have missed a number of court dates.

What I am outlining for you is the normal level of contact awarded to an absent father that is not violent towards his child. Sorry if you do not like it, I'm not trying to 'get at you', just point out that he is legally entitle dto have this time with your daughter.

ok, well that wold be a bridge i will have to cross if it ever came up. i was more asking if my desicion was right by my child. if it was somehow better for me to voletarliy enter her into a war zone because he is her biological father. but i note what u have said. thank you

OP,

You need to face some facts. This is not your child and it is not for you to exclude him as the father because you "don't feel he is right for her."
If you have been preventing him from seeing his own child for no good reason, it is little wonder he is angry.
He will get contact; and rightly so. If you do not turn up for court, it will be adjourned while you are located (which is a simple matter)

but her primary carer isnt down to me to decide whats best for my child? I mean ur implying our court system doesnt creat messed up children. They do. As her mother - she is the absolute light of my life - surley its my job to ensure she has the best start in llife. filled with smiles and ease and no stress. Isnt that the best senario? Im asking myself as well as you x

I would start by offering mediation again.
If he is young he may well be getting legal aid.
A requirement of legal aid is to attend mediation.

Sounds like you both have a lot of anger issues to work through before you can even start to think about your dd. I would expect the first couple of mediation session may be quite difficuly as you both work through the anger and hurt you feel to each other before you can move on to talking about your dd. If he does agree and then uses it to have a go at you then you just need to remind him that you are there for your dd and to talk about her and her needs and wellbeing.

Perhaps suggest that an anger management course and a parenting course may be appropriate too. If he is serious about being part of his dd's life he should agree to these.

ashashash your dd has a right to a relationship with both her parents. You are preventing that and so a court will not see it that you are doing the best for her. They will instead see a mother who is frustrating contact and refusing to be reasonable and won't even talk to her ex about it. I know that doesn't seem fair but that is the reality of it sorry.

The court will therefore order contact that it believes to be in the best interest of your child. This is why you must come across as reasonable and offer some form of contact that will gradually build up. Otherwise the decisions will be taken away from you and you will have to do whatever the court decides.

You are not the resident parent either. Neither parent has residency of a child unless they go to court to obtain it. Is yuor ex named on dd's birth certicificate? If he is he will have PR. If not he will find it relatively easy to obtain in court.

tyr - im not doubting the biology. bt do yo think thats more important then her being happy? Guess what im asking is is my baby doomed to have a life of drama because of biology? And i havent stopped him for seeing his daughter for no reason. i was the one who made the effort to take het to him every week. i put a stop to that because of what the atmosphere was. as far as him having every reason to be angry... lol well thats laughable. the man has never contributed a thing to my childs life. hes main goal is to walk around with her like shes a trophy. not feed, clothe, not ever trn up at mediation. I dont appriciate ur acusary tone. u clearly have no idea what i have gone tthrough

ok so the verdict is expose her to it and pick p the peices. guess that what us mothers are there for. i will definatly think about it. that u for your time

ashashash it is possible to have contact where you and yur ex don't come into contact with each other and therefore avoids much of the conflict.

If he is just parading her around like a trophy then his interest won't last too long.
Offer a contact centre. The staff there will be in hand to ensure he takes care of your dd, and here won't be anyone to show off too.
Ask him to do a parenting and anger management course.
If he is serious about seeing his daughter he will do these things. If he's not he will fade away fairly fast.
Progress to supervised contact with his mother being there and then in time unsupervised contact. You don't need to be there at hand overs so can avoid the conflict.

If you make it a battle he has something to fight about. If you take the fight option away and ask him to step up and prove he is capable and responsible enough for this then it's up to him then.
So try and show willing and find ways to eliminate the conflict between you. That way it should be better for your dd than it was before.

not bitter. im let down and upset.

thanks for the replys it has helped me regain my strength and remember who my priority is for. thanks guys. i do know whats best for my child. not sre why i was even doubting myself. guess jst one of those days. when she is old enogh to ask questions i will have no problems explaining my decisions. and when she meets him she will understand. thanks again for your time.. night!x

op you sound very angry. Are you wanting your ex to have no contact because you and him do not get on?me and my ex do not get on (abusive to me) but he has the right to see my dd and as much as I find it difficult to see her go with him I do not want her growing up resenting me if I hadn't given her the oppurtunity to know him iykwim? If there is no welfare issue then your ex will get contact whether you like it or not. Maybe try shuttle mediation if you can't be in the same room?

Sorry to hear about your ex. Sounds exactly like my Ex who is keen to take me to court for access just to cause me grief. I'm ready to give him access for short periods, but he thinks ensuring he doesn't have to see me during handover is somehow my problem.

Nothing much any of us can do, but raise our kids with a pragmatic view of the world and the confidence to make up their own mind. X

HI there

I feel for you, I really do. I felt exactly the same way as you and still do to an extent. My ex left me when I was 3 months pregnant and what followed was a couple of years of so much pain and resentment, painful aggressive conversations. He went off the rails a bit which meant I could get on with on my own. It was tough and still is, but like you I just want a happy, calm home for my daughter particularly in the first three years- crucial years in their development and sense of security and wellbeing. And this was possible on our own.

Over the years Ex has had more contact and the resentment faded, but I always thought (and I was wrong) that I could make the choices in terms of contact etc. As the ex has started to put pressure to see her more (because it now suits him) I did start to panic. Not that I don't want her to build a relationship with him, but because I thought he would destroy the happy home I had established and worked so so so SO hard on. I thought he would rush her and unsettle her (why is Mummy making me go and stay at his when I don't want to?). He leads a very different life to me and I wanted her to adjust slowly.

I started to google contact rights I realised that despite large absences, aggressive behaviour, partying lifestyle, no financial contribution etc, he had the same rights as a divorced father who had been committed financially and emotionally to his child since day 1! And I realise then that the law can be unfair but best to work with it for the sake of the child, than against it.

And here's the bit I hope helps...

I realised that if I got defensive and angry about his requests for more contact, this would make him fight even more (human nature). This would upset & stress me and in turn this would upset my daughter and her happy world would be rocked. So - even though it felt hugely HUGELY unfair (given how I've brought her up on my own to-date) - I realised that the law is the law whether you like it or not (which in this case I don't - I think contribution and contact SHOULD be linked) and the best way to ensure DD's happiness was to take a deep breath, think of my daughter and do what I could do to protect her happy spirit. Which in my case was to let him feel listened to and calmly say you're happy to work towards a solution that suits both. If you Rise above his anger and aggression, I bet he will take the accelerator off and start to be reasonable.

Surely it's better to agree something like one day a week and every other weekend than spend all day worrying about what MIGHT happen. If you're not comfortable with overnights (I'm not) then say so - I'm sure the court will listen due to young age. Remember, it will give you some time off, and a few hours breathing space can make you feel so much stronger.

If you can be the better person - if you can find that strength in you - it will all work out in the end. I know exactly how unfair this all seems when all you are doing is trying to do your best by DD. I really do. But don't runaway or try and hurt him through this - it's not the solution.

Good luck