Anyone feel stigmatised about being a SAH single mother?

[hammerhead]

Just wondering if anyone else feels stigmatised about being a SAH mum on income support? DS is preschool and a lot of people seem surprised I don't have a job. I get the impression they think I'm on jobseekers and actively avoiding employent. I'll be quite happy to work when DS is in school but want to stay at home when he is still little. I worked before DS was born and have paid a lot of tax over the years, but some people still make out like I'm a scrounging chancer.

Bandwithering...Yea guess I am lucky with just ONE ... still feel guilty has hell though! Hey, good luck to you too :)

Thanks DaisyDo135, I'll get the show back on the road in time. It isn't easy though. And despite the people who haven't a clue, I am actually proud of the way I've got through this so far (kids unscathed).

I'm not raising 'another generation' of the same.

Wow, this is such a divisive subject.

I have no problem with someone deciding to be a SAHP, but they shouldn't feel entitled to claim benefits to do so. There are exceptions to the rule, but I feel that benefits should be there to help people for short periods of time when they fall on hard times, not provide for people who choose to live that way. Most parents (myself included) can't afford to stay at home for five years until the youngest child goes to school, but I still wouldn't claim benefits in order to do so.

In the majority of circumstances, I think the reasonable expectation is that SAHP on benefits should be able to do so without question until the child is one (even though that's longer than most working parents will get at home), but after that point, should be directed/encouraged/etc to look for work. I don't think it should be expected to be full time work if we are talking LP's, but some work is better than none.

I completely understand why people want to stay at home with their children, but if you need (solely) taxpayer's money and don't financially contribute to raising them yourself, that's where the problem is.

Wow. Deciding?!?? ONly people whose salary would cover rent, bills, childcare etc get to decide.

An awful lot of people have never put themselves in somebody else's shoes, and they've certainly never sat down with a calculator and tried to make the figures work.

Btw, I don't mean to suggest that NRP's shouldn't be held responsible, because of course they should, but to suggest that there aren't people out there who actively choose, despite options, to live on benefits, is ridiculous. That's largely the type of person I'm referring to.

Yes, band, deciding. It is a decision to not work in many cases.

ps, when people say they can't afford to stay at home, that is already such a give away. What they mean is that they have a big mortgage on a nice house and it takes two to pay the mortgage. Well that's fine. But obviously one person's salary (even the lower paid one) is still considerably more than the cost of childcare.

Choice my arse as jim royle would say. honestly.

Why shoudl the government pay for someone to do the school run?

Because they already subsidise

Why shoudl the government pay for someone to do the school run?

Because they already subsidise other people to look after toddlers and babies whist the parents work....

Honestly this is absurd - do you think people will get less in benefits if they take a low paid job? Working tax credits probably work out to be more than income support.

I never realised how many women in relationships really hate single mothers. This really has been an eye-opener.

Sorry, I see your point band, but I disagree. It is a choice in probably the majority of cases.

No it aint easy bandwithering... but us females are made of stronger stuff, thats for sure! I'm sure your kids are a credit to you :)

Honestly, I just think people should help towards supporting themselves. As I said, there are exceptions to every rule, but if you take something out of the public purse, you should be willing to put something back in, financially speaking.

DS's nursery is attached to the school and runs 2.5 hours a day during term time. There are huge start up costs to become a childminder and there is not much demand for it here, most working single mothers are supported by their families as wages are so low. Likewise, no one wants their ironing done or DS to accompany me to clean their houses. I live in a poor area where private cleaners, gardeners etc are unheard of.

We are strong yes! Have had to be the last couple of years. Although, to be honest, I don't know if I would have psychologically strong enough for a job and all that juggling childcare & work and bills just after leaving an abusive relationship. But I'd be able for a job now. Had a job interview recently. They said no but told me I 'did a good interview' so that was almost good news.

I probably would have been a bit more judgmental 10 years ago, pre-kids, pre my own life unravelling.

Children are not the property of the parents, and I have no problems in our sociaty using taxes and benifits to redress the ballance between people doing ecomic paid work to those doing an equally important job of parenting the next generation of our society. I think people wanting to criticise, should understand the work that a single parent does, how well they do it under the circumstances and the effective monitary reward that they get for their efforts.

Until November 2010 I was a higher rate taxpayer. Then I moved and have been unable to find another job. So now I'm on income support. So I'd say I was a net contributor to society wouldn't you? Oh no, all you see is someone who 'isn't contributing to society' despite the fact that I've been paying vast amounts more tax than most of the critics on this thread I should think for the last 15 years.

i think some people need to feel that there is a 'rung' of society beneath them.

Yes I agree bandwithering. Sad isn't it? :(

I don't really think that's true Band, at least not in my experience. I think it's just that people don't like seeing a 'take but not give' attitude.

It never bothered me when I was earning. So that's some people who perceive that it is about taking and not giving. Perhaps children should be taken into care if single mothers can't find a job

'Most parents (myself included) can't afford to stay at home for five years until the youngest child goes to school, but I still wouldn't claim benefits in order to do so.'

So easy to say 'what you would do' when you have the luxury of never actually being in that situation. 2 things i said i would NEVER do- well, i actually did exatly that when suddenly faced with a hellish situation. Chances are you don't picture your Dh clearing off for example but you really just never know, it could easily happen.

Real feminists would reject the notion that only paid work is of value. they would fight for the unpaid work that usually women do to have equal value. It seems abit daft to me that the government want ALL mums and dads in work with 3rd parties bringing up the kids. You are then in a bizarre situation where people are sometimes paid for bringing up other people's kids. Eg. my friend goes to one school to pick up someone else's child while she pays another mum to pick HER child up!! Barmy! Of course if you WANT that then good for you but many people want to be with their kids. I think the government fear people becoming unattatched to the labour market as they know they will realise that they may actually enjoy being home with the kids!!! For people who say SAH doesn't matter, do you think we should have maternity leave? if equality is two parents slaving away as soon as possible shouldn't they just take the minimum and not taxpayers money? Why does it all change at 9 months? Why is it OK to go back then?

That's the stereotype Tidydancer. Benefits are a trap.

My friend is a lone parent on benefit. She can't even afford to run/own a car. I can't see how she can get one child to school one to nursery then go to work on foot and do it all in time. She would be no better off in work so it is not dooable. She is studying and does voluntary work ,hardly lazy. Her Mum has alzheimers and needs 24/7 care so no help with the school run there.

I'm a single parent and I work pt (had a near miss with redundancy recently, so I'm damn grateful to have the job). I don't think there's a "right" to be a SAHP at taxpayer expense. If someone genuinely can't get a job, then yes, of course that person should be supported. But where the person won't even try to get work (with or without children), I can't say I particularly admire that attitude. There's an obligation to try to be as self-supporting as possible. Childrearing is not some unique and heroic endeavour that allows you to live at everyone else's expense.

I've said it is clear there are exceptions, but to actively choose to not work when you otherwise have the option to, that's where the issue lies. It should not be a choice, and I can't believe some people find it okay that they get to choose, but others don't. For some people it will be virtually impossible to work, either because of personal circumstances or some other force, but for others, it is blatantly a choice they make, regardless of the alternatives available to them. Calling it a stereotype doesn't make it any less true.