Anyone feel stigmatised about being a SAH single mother?

[hammerhead]

Just wondering if anyone else feels stigmatised about being a SAH mum on income support? DS is preschool and a lot of people seem surprised I don't have a job. I get the impression they think I'm on jobseekers and actively avoiding employent. I'll be quite happy to work when DS is in school but want to stay at home when he is still little. I worked before DS was born and have paid a lot of tax over the years, but some people still make out like I'm a scrounging chancer.

When children are all in school I think it's even more important single mums get a job.

Bandwithering "This is the problem with society. You need to direct your contempt towards my xh" - surely that would only apply if you were earning though? As neither of you are financially supporting the children you chose to have then you are both equal in that respect.

If you worked before, then you obviously have the skills to work again. Yes there will be nursery costs but tax credits help with those and WTC plus wages in 99% of cases is higher than simply IS. Yes it a juggling act sometimes to work and have children but not impossible otherwise there would be no working parents.

However, sadly labour created a state of entitlement whereby people can chose to not work and get handout after handout and hopefully the Tories will change that. Nobody should be allowed to stay home and not work whilst they can physically provide for themselves.

I was made redundant a couple of times as a single parent. I was entitled to claim income support which I did both times but not for long. The mortgage insurance hounded me back to work after about 3 months.

Both those 3 months were the easiest and happiest times I spent as a single mum. Not having to worry about childcare in the holidays, being able to do the school run. Just being there for my child was bliss as I had to work full time when she was 3 months, that was hell.

I had a choice, either work and keep my home or sell it and get the council to house us, pay our rent and get enough money to live on without going out to work. I chose to keep the house and work as I had equity anyway.

I do think that some women have numerous children to keep on benefits without thought for the interests of the children they already have. I guess this is why single parents on benefits are stigmatised.

Which brings me back to my earlier point tidydancer - you presumably don't begrudge women who stay home because their partners earn enough to support them. They aren't trying to get a job either.

These arguments are nonsensical - there are a lot of people saying that they would like to stay home with their preschoolers but they can't afford to. So if you are a lone parent and can only get a job earning minimum wage where you would be no better off, then you can afford to. All you're pissed off about is that it's unfair because you would prefer not to work (presumably). Otherwise why do you give a toss about what other people do?

Do any of you turn down your tax credits or working tax credits? Because those are benefits aren't they?

Single mums have always been supported fully by the state since the welfare state began. Conservative governments have tried to change things but they carn't as it would mean depriving children of a home, clothing and food. Our society will not tolerate this happening.

No, of course not. Their family circumstances are such that they do not require state assistance to support their choice. I have zero problem with anyone wanting to stay home, but I do think if they are able they should at least contribute to the cost of looking after their family.

hammerhead - I posted early on in this thread that I didn't feel stigmatised as a SAHM...

However it was when I read this "I never realised how many women in relationships really hate single mothers. This really has been an eye-opener.", posted by ChristinedePizan...
that is what reminded me that I do and did feel stigmatised purely by being a single parent. I feel this way now I am working, and I certainly felt this way as a SAHM. But I don't put that down to being a SAHM, I put it down to the fact I was a single mum.

So maybe what you are feeling is that stigma of being a single mum, and linking it to the fact you SAHM. When in fact you'd probably find yourself in the same position whether you were working or not :(

' All you're pissed off about is that it's unfair because you would prefer not to work (presumably). Otherwise why do you give a toss about what other people do?'

I really agree with this ChristinedePizan. I think it is mainly about this. Or non single SAHM who think they are better somehow. I am a partnered SAHM and don't begrudge lone parents SAH. I don't see lone SAHM as being any different to me SAH and if I was suddenly single I wouldn't rush out and get a job. I would wait till finishing my degree and all at school and then look for part time. To partnered SAHM, if your DH left you tomorrow, would you drop everything and go out and get a job? Hmmmm...

I'm in a relationship, I don't "really hate" single mothers, what a silly thing to say! I also don't wish I didn't work. There is no jealousy from me, although I'm not saying that that is true for everyone. My point has already been made, and it is nothing to do with my personal circumstances.

Yes, I'd get a job like a shot.
Why wouldnt I? I have a brain. I'd certainly do everything possible to find a job even if I wasn't successful. I certainly wouldn't actively decide not to.

Thaks Jelly for telling us all what "real" feminists think

By all means share your views but don't assume to speak for an entire group.

I agree with jelly - I don't think you can really call yourself a feminist if you begrudge a woman choosing (or having) to stay home with her young children. Where is the opprobrium for the men who have left those women? Surely you should be reserving your ire for them?

Being a single parent is bloody hard work and frankly working makes it a hell of a lot harder. If working makes a negligible difference to the amount of money you have but means that you have a huge amount more stress to deal with, there really is little point to working is there?

I noticed no one has bothered to respond to my benefits point

I was thrilled when tax credits came in. I was able to arrange my working week over 4 days and took the top up so I could be at home one day a week to do the school run. Still claim them now and will miss them dreadfully when DD leaves school next year.

I'm sure no-one has been turning down tax credits if they were entitled to them.

ChristinedePizan+1

WallisSimpson, I have a brain. Everybody has a brain fgs. I used my brain to figure out that it would be stupid to operate at a loss every month just to keep judgmental strangers happy.

Band I don't know what job you do but aren't childcare vouchers and tax credits etc there to endure you aren't better off not working?

you can't use childcare vouchers if you get the WTC childcare element. It's one or the other.

But they do cover most of the child care costs, do they?
I thought it was a myth that people were better off not working but it seems to be true

on paper, yes you may be better off working - by a few £ a week. But when you factor in the cost of travel to work, work clothes, the loss of school dinners, housing benefit reduction, council tax to be paid and the other help you loose it doesn't always work out that you're better off in reality.

Then there's the work outings (which I can never afford to go on so get labeled as anti social), the secret santa, the sponsorship forms that come round, the lunch time trips to pizza hut for 'bonding' or drinks when people leave or start... Having to say no to pay rises or overtime because it will leave me worse off financially...

You then also need to find a sympathetic employer who is going to understand about half days, non pupil days, closure for snow, sick days (for your child/ren), your child care falling through. And that's in addition to time off for emergencies like the car breaking down.

You then factor in the stress, tiredness, sheer relentnessness of being a lone parent...

Yeah those couple of extra quid a week better off really seem appealing!

So, therefore you have a right to be supported by every other working mother doing exactly what you choose not to?

I can't get my head around it if I'm honest, choosing to live on benefits so i think I can only agree with the sentiment that it needs sorting ASAP to make work pay and living on benefits less appealing.

Can I also ask, are all of you who are choosing to be at home for some years using that time to get qualifications so you can get a job when your children are in school?

Have you tried studying when you have sole charge of children 24/7? Hahahahaha. Seriously it's impossible.

And actually I have two degrees so I'm disinclined to do any more study. It's not lack of education that's hampering me, it's lack of opportunity. That said, I'm looking into volunteering once DS starts school during school hours to try and find an alternative route into employment. But I want to work with young people and most of the opportunities are evenings and weekends. Which I can't do.

Do try to think about how restricted time is as a single parent.

Oh no it isn't....

Oh and I'm not sure what's appealing about living on £140/week. It's hardly the life of Reilly

I cannot repeat often enough that yes, we do have the right to stay at home with our kids when they are little. At the moment, all major political parties support that right, for various reasons. The alternative would be to prevent poor people from breeding or double the minimum wage - who would do the menial work then and who could afford it?

However the point is, having the right to choose does not automatically give me a choice. There is a shortage of jobs that are suitable for lone parents. This means that I am forced into not working. Sure, make work pay but it would be impossible to make living on benefits less attractive, we are on the breadline as it is.

Um, I got my OU degree whilst at home with three small children and a husband that worked away Min-Fri.

It's very tough but not impossible.

...oh yes it is(a lifestyle choice)

These threads are pointless sometimes