Anyone feel stigmatised about being a SAH single mother?

[hammerhead]

Just wondering if anyone else feels stigmatised about being a SAH mum on income support? DS is preschool and a lot of people seem surprised I don't have a job. I get the impression they think I'm on jobseekers and actively avoiding employent. I'll be quite happy to work when DS is in school but want to stay at home when he is still little. I worked before DS was born and have paid a lot of tax over the years, but some people still make out like I'm a scrounging chancer.

Why shoudl the government pay for someone to do the school run? Crazy. Great if you can afford to support yourself and dc but it's not a right not to work. The world would groudn to a halt if everyone decided that had a right not to work.
When I started working I worked at a loss due to childcare and it's taken several years to make a decent profit. If I'd had the attitude as many do then I'd still be unskilled and either not working or on a very low income.

Most people I come across feel that single parents should actually stay at home, if you only have one parent then you should have that parents full attention and events focused on the child.
Having a knackered stressed mummy and no daddy to lighten the load cannot be good for a child.

I dont see why it's a right to have a parent at home for the early years. What ever happened to people supporting their dc themselves adn working for a living?

Yes Rainbow, you are able to work and support your family, thankyou very much and congratulations. I am unable to work, as are many people in this country. I'll get my DS to send you and your DC a thankyou card.

Women, at the moment, do have a legal right to be supported to raise their children, please see my posts above. This is why they can claim income support and not job seekers when their children are very young. SAH parents DO work, they look after their children. If they didn't, then someone else would have to and this is not always economically viable. I hope DS will grow up with the attitude that women should be valued for the work they do, regardless of whether is is making money, making men or both.

Skelleybones - maybe we know different people. I only tend to know people who work. I guess it's because I dont get to do the school run and most of the people I know, I know through work.

Because it's in the interests of the children, there's no point in me working my arse off to raise my children well, spending thousands on their well being to have some little git stab them at a bus stop because they've been dragged up in poverty.
I realise that could still happen but i'd prefer to lessen the odds where possible.

hammerhead 'I see myself as doing a job too '
I totally agree with you! Many do. I have several friends who are lone SAHP on benefit. All doing a fine job raising their kids. I teach my kids that they are doing a fantastic job whether working for pay or not as they are doing the work of 2 parents. I don't want them to grow up judgemental. I do the same if they make a comment about someone's mum at work all the time. I correct them and say that it is a choice everyone should have to work or not with small kids and we shouldn't judge one way or the other. I have been both a SAHM and WOHM, inc. breifly a single mum, so that helps me see all sides.

I am exhausted quite alot as a SAHM with a partner so it must be ten times harder which is why I highly admire them. Paid work as it is now is quite a recent invention in the grand scheme of things, it is not neccesarily a 'normal' society we live in. see through it and the people who just go along with it. You know you are doing valuable work and many people agree with you. Do what is best for you and your child/children. Life is short, go with your gut feeling.

Well I'd suggest you get out more rainbow, I work full time as does DH but we make an effort to get to know our children's friends and their parents to ensure mine mix with people with similar views to ourselves, as we get older I'm leaning more towards live and let live.
If you like my children and are kind to them you'll do for me, everything else is bullshit.

I guess we'll have to agree to disagree as we are poles apart in our attitudes to life.

I disagree Jelly, I dont see why the state should pay somebody to stay home as they want to do the school run or dont want to use childcare. Parents should be financially responsible for the children they chose to have not the state. I'd rather see CB scrapped than increased as giving people money to have children was never right.

Being seperated from the father doesnt mean the father is not contributing either. Some will have been married and then seperated but a great deal would have either not been in a relationship or a very short one that was unlikely to last. Some see children as a way of getting a house and money without having to do anything in return for it.

The government paying childcare may be more than IS but its short term and means the person can self support once the early childcare years are over. Its not only IS though is the full housing benefit, no council tax, free school meals/uniforms/trips, free dental etc - it adds up to thousands a year. That sort of money should be earnt by hard work not given out as a lifestyle choice.

Bigger picture Rainbow it's less stressful alround to not care what other people do or don't do, you have no influence over it so don't give it so much head space, works for me.

Well, given some of the responses here, seems you are right to feel stigmatised.

FWIW I don't see how an unskilled single mum can work without family help.Tax credits pay 70% of the childcare that plus transport to work etc make work unaffordable surely? Paying 30% of full time chilcare costs out of a minimum wage is still a lot of money. Probably CHEAPER for the govt to allow you to stay home.

Personally I think a child with no dad needs the undivided attention of it's mum.

Some women have been abandoned plus have shit family support. Shame on the people who look down on them for not working. Get some imagination and empathy and get off your high horses.

Seems to me hammerhead, that there's a ready made job for you as a childminder in your area. No childminders for 10 miles is a opportunity for you ready to take. You'd still be at home with your child but also working. Could you look for some work while ds is at pre-school? Before you say there are no jobs, how about being self-employed and doing cleaning, ironing, gardening etc? You say you are unskilled - how about looking at doing some training while you're at home with ds?

My advice is don't bloody tell anyone your business OP, that's a lesson i've learnt the hard way I can tell you

'SAH parents DO work, they look after their children. If they didn't, then someone else would have to and this is not always economically viable. I hope DS will grow up with the attitude that women should be valued for the work they do, regardless of whether is is making money, making men or both.'

Agree with you again hammerhead

I have been judged myself as a SAHM and it doesn't bother me at all. It makes me feel stronger if anything that I can go against what other people tell me I should be doing (Harriet Harmen etc. etc.) and I know deep down it is best for us personally. For other people it may be that work is best or childminders etc. I used to be a WOHM and DD1 was in f/t childcare and my priorities have totally changed. I always put DD first but used to feel I was working for a better house for DD, better cars/holidays etc. Of course usually my wages just went on boring old bills though! Now we tend to focus on and enjoy things which don't cost and we are just as happy.

You made a good point about some people don't have a choice about areas that they live in. Also, culturally to some people it is only acceptable for a mother to stay home. What would we do there, force them all out to work?

It comes down to one thing.....some people think DC are better off with their own parents until they get to the age of three or thereabouts. This is not a luxury...it's a right.

To be honest, I don't give two hoots what anyone thinks! They haven't been married to the arse that was my husband for 10 years! Also, I have paid higher rate tax for over 17 years and feel like having one year on IS before I start college/return to work and my youngest starts school while I sort my kids out and whilst my youngest is in his nursery year is reasonably justifiable.

ANd I in NO way judge other people's choice to choose work intead of being a SAHP....that is also a right.

Yeah, I agree with skellybones, keep your business to yourself. Some people have a real 'thing' about people on benefit. The don't want to understand the circumstanses, they are just prejudiced. And nasty.

It's SO small minded "Ooh...MY taxes are paying for single parents to sit on their arses"

Wht about society taking care of one another? I could say my DH is paying for people to take heroin substitute....or to have liposuction on the NHS....but I don't.....we all pay tax and we all use the services that provides.

'I disagree Jelly, I dont see why the state should pay somebody to stay home as they want to do the school run or dont want to use childcare. '

But Happymum the Government seems to agree as lone parents can accept school hours only at the moment. I am sure that is part of the new reforms?

CB also was set up as one of the main principles of the new welfare state to support mothers and families. I think it is fantastic, even though it's value has never risen as it should have. It could well be the only money a mother has as her own etc. etc. Would you really want to remove this support from mothers, some of whom could be vunerable without it?

'Personally I think a child with no dad needs the undivided attention of it's mum.' Opinionated That is a good point. If a child goes through the trauma of a break up, it needs someone stable at home. If the mother is suddenly also out of his/her life as well as the father it must be terrible.

As has been said, what is avaliable with childcare etc varies by area. Some cultures would NOT accept using childcare or not being a SAHP. As has also been said, a lone parent would need to earn shedloads to be able to cover all the bills/dinner money etc. The government would not save that much, if any, if the mother returned to work with a small child. Even school age childcare costs a bomb. Studies have shown it again and again. Why not give them a choice. 70% or something like that work anyway. Maybe those 30% who don't work have a good reason for not doing so?

"Personally I think a child with no dad needs the undivided attention of it's mum"

But the child does have a father! All children have a mother and father, its only in the case of being a widow that they are a true lone parent.

Given the OP claims she worked for years before choosing to opt for benefits then she obviously does have some skills and there are obviously employers within the area. If there is a pre-school then there is likely to be a nursery as well even if no childminders. Some preschools can cover 9-3 if the extra sessions are paid for which gives 30 hours a week to work in if there is truly no childcare elsewhere. However even rural communities have childcare nowadays so I suspect there would be some.

All parents raise their children, its not a job though. Millions manage to do it and financially support themselves at the same time.

So the main argument seems to be 'I have to go back to work after 9 months, why shouldn't they?'
Financially it doesn't make much difference to the government.
But taking choices away isn't the answer. We should be increasing choices to all mums. Both the choice to SAH for a while and help those who want to work who cannot afford to.

Lots of children don't see their fathers. My dc's haven't seen their dad in 2 years. It's all down to me. A very ratty, tired, p/t working me.

'All parents raise their children, its not a job though. Millions manage to do it and financially support themselves at the same time.'

In many cases though they have the support of their parents for childcare etc. That could be argued as financial help. Yes it isn't to taxpayers cost (unless you count those parents who have given up their jobs and would have been paying taxes) but it shows that some people have an unfair advantage. Some don't have the luxury of family nearby etc. Few people manage totally on their own. Many people claim childcare tax credits for example.