Anyone feel stigmatised about being a SAH single mother?

[hammerhead]

Just wondering if anyone else feels stigmatised about being a SAH mum on income support? DS is preschool and a lot of people seem surprised I don't have a job. I get the impression they think I'm on jobseekers and actively avoiding employent. I'll be quite happy to work when DS is in school but want to stay at home when he is still little. I worked before DS was born and have paid a lot of tax over the years, but some people still make out like I'm a scrounging chancer.

"But the child does have a father! All children have a mother and father, its only in the case of being a widow that they are a true lone parent."

That's the most ridiculous thing I have ever read on mumsnet. Some Dads do NOTHING for their kids and even live a long way away. Not right, but they do. A lot of dads are as good as dead to their kids.

We live in a country where it is not possible for some to get work that will support their kids. It's low wages ,and high childcare and housing costs that are the problem. If you stopped benefits it would make no difference, people would just be homeless and starving. Work is not the answer.

Being a SAHP is not a right, it's a choice.

Many working mothers have no choice, they don't have the luxury of choosing to SAH at the taxpayers expense, they have to work to meet the bills.

Secondly, if you are unskilled, you can clean and you can iron and you can be a childminder, that way you also don;t need to fork out 30% childcare.
If you are unskilled, why don't you use your time at home on the taxpayer to get a skill?

In the 1970's my parents divorced, my father paid very little maintenance.
My mother worked in a play school, cooked for social events and filled people's freezers. There weren't benefits like there are today, she just worked when she could doing what she could, she was there after school for us, I had dancing lessons and horse riding lessons, she ran a car. Our house and garden were always immaculate, she grew vegetables and always cooked from scratch,

I think people have become less robust recently, the more they are "given" the less they seem to be capable of doing.

'If you stopped benefits it would make no difference, people would just be homeless and starving'
Very true Opinionated Some Workfare schemes in the US have not worked so well since the same mums are still poor, they are just working poor. Shocking how some of them are treated too.

Another thing is, why is it suddenly 'work' if it is someone else kid you are looking after?

I agree AlouiseG.

I despair at so many " entitled" people who have neither the guts or drive to get up and get a job or do something to earn their own money.

Clean houses, do ironing, typing whatever but get off your arse.

Who looked after you while she worked AlouiseG? Because that is the issue - trying to find a job and childcare which works. Even when I was working full time, I really struggled to find somewhere that would take my DC 8-6 and the fact that I had to leave work at 5pm on the dot seriously hampered my career progression.

I don't really know what people my age think, but some of my mother's friends have made very stupid comments to me. They seem to think that despite having a very low earning potential, I would be able to earn enough to pay rent, bills, food, childcare......... I mean really, what planet are they on I do wonder??

Things are slightly different now as they'll both be at school soon. Bit of a recession on mind you. Have had a few rejections recently.

People think everything is so EASY when they drive around in the cars their husband's salary bought. I've had married women who are also SAH mums make comments to me about 'their' taxes (in a conversation about benefits). I bit my tongue but thought, honey, you're not paying tax. The father of your children is paying tax, as is the father of my own children even though he gives us nothing.

But yeah, I do feel a bit stigmatised. My x gets to waltz around his office the pillar of respectability though. And if they met him, they wouldn't look down on him (morally maybe?) but not socially

ps, I might add, like OP, I paid tax for years, over a decade. The married woman who made a comment to me about 'her' taxes only worked for about 3 years as far as I can work out.

Difference is, the fathers of our children are also putting food in our mouths, not the taxpayer.

Why does the father of your children give you no money? Why should the rest of us pay to raise his kids?

Why do so many women leave school with nothing, get pregnant, get divorced and then moan they are so unskilled they can't earn anything so have to live off the rest of us?

What happened to planning, getting skills, getting experience and then getting up the duff?
Enjoy it while you can, it's all going to change under this Govt.

And taxes aren't a put in, take out scheme.

ps, wrt to the 'choice' of being a sahp. I had no choice either way!!! I could not have earned enough to cover the bills. Working costs money.

My youngest is ready for school now like I said, but I have 'got through' the early years by keeping my head down. Or that's what it feels like. I am expecting/hoping to move into a new phase now where I do have some choices.

but omg at the notion that I had choices as a single parent of two under four and an x who would have poked his eyes out with a sharp stick before he would have made my life one tiny bit easier.

NO they're not, but I do feel 'oh fuck off love' when somebody who has paid less tax than I have comments about 'her' taxes when really she means her husband's.

It is astonishing the begrudgery of some people though. That has been an eye opener to me. I am without a doubt the 'least lucky' of the mothers I mix with. Marriage was a failure, I can't work, no money, xh screwed me financially, he was abusive, had a breakdown after I left (cos so busy holding all together before I left) but yet there are people who are actively wishing MORE hard luck on me. I should find it harder than I do. These people who grudge you the benefits often have everything! A nice house, husband, healthy kids, a career their husband supports them in....... astonishingly it's these people who sometimes grudge you the tiny bit of help you get that stops you going under.

I've learned to tune it out now though. If I get can my kids through their child hood so that their father's meanness, abusiveness and bad behaviour doesn't damage their prospects then they will grow up and get good jobs I guess and oh holy grail pay taxes. That's what really matters.

Money is the only currency?? The only way of valuing people is to count how much money they're earning. OP there are always going to be people who think like this but there are also a lot of emotionally intelligent people who think, well thank goodness the support is out there for those who hit a rough patch.

'Clean houses, do ironing, typing whatever but get off your arse.'

So is it sitting on your arse if you are looking after young kids?
Are childminders sat on their arse?

It is so easy to defy a court order to pay maintenance. The easiest thing in the world.

Are the jails full of fathers who refuse to pay maintenance? no they are not.

'Enjoy it while you can, it's all going to change under this Govt.'

I can't see them lasting too long though.

jellybeans+1

It's just such ignorant thinking really. It doesn't shock or upset me like it used to though, thankfully.

Armchairfeminist, you sound a real bitch low emotional intelligence. I didn't get good results at school so I didn't get into university. I would have liked to have gone. I'd worked for nearly 13 years when I got pregnant at 32 (is that alright with you???). My children were planned. You sound like a very ignorant person.

there is no way, even with years of experience that I could earn enough to pay for childcare for two, rent, bills etc.....

If you are on low income you get help towards childcare.

You get TC and WTC to top up.

You shouldn't be worse off working, you should be better off.

I'm not a bitch, just sick of people who think the rest of us owes them a bloody living.

I'm a single mum and returned to work part time when my baby was 6mths... it is bloomin difficult! I feel guilty all the time that I have to put my child into an after school club or find a summer camp for her, as I'm working. That is my choice tho & I hope I'm letting my daughter see that if you want the better things in life you need to get out there & earn a living. I wouldn't judge someone else though who chooses to stay at home.

This is the problem with society. You need to direct your contempt towards my xh, but you are here looking down on me, judging me. I have done nothing wrong. I have worked voluntarilly for two charities in an attempt to make myself more employable.

I worked hard for years before I was a mother and for all that time I paid taxes. I have tried to get my life back on its feet and shit it took a battering. Have you a broken marriage to an abusive man under your belt? I suspect not or you wouldn't be so judgmental.

It's my x that has the sense of entitlement. NOT me. I would work if I could make the figures work. If I could get a job that paid enough. You think everybody just ends up with a job that pays well . The vast majority of jobs pay really badly.

If you want I can pm you my x's name and address and you can tell him how he offends you. I can hold my head up thank you. I have done nothing wrong.

I've nothing more to say to somebody who judges so harshly. I hope you never have the rug ripped out from under your life.

DaisyDo, good for you, I thnk I would have done the same with ONE child. It might just about have been manageable. Stick with it even if it's really hard now, as it's an investment into your futures. Good luck.

I think you need a new name because you're certainly a pretty poor excuse for a feminist ArmchairFeminist

Yes i don't get why it is OK (according to the judgey ones who are SAHM's on this thread) for a married mum to SAH but not a lone parent. Like has been said, often in both cases the father is paying tax. Either being a SAHM is worthy or it isn't.

Yeah. That thought crossed my mind too.

Absolutely no understanding of the issues women face when they're mothers or when they're low paid. Just blame blame blame and it's all about taxes.

A real feminist would be looking at this thread and asking why should women absorb all the stigma for being single parents? why do fathers get away with defying court orders to pay maintenance so easily? why do fathers get away with reducing payments to their 'first batch' of children when they move on to have a second batch? why is childcare so primarily a mother's problem? why uneducated women so badly paid? (and being uneducated is not a crime! you blithely said earlier up in the thread, go get an education. You sound so pampered. Have you no idea of the obstacles less privileged people encumbered with kids and unsupported by kids father might face?).

You seem to have a lot of contempt for single mothers. A feminist would not tolerate that.