Anyone feel stigmatised about being a SAH single mother?

[hammerhead]

Just wondering if anyone else feels stigmatised about being a SAH mum on income support? DS is preschool and a lot of people seem surprised I don't have a job. I get the impression they think I'm on jobseekers and actively avoiding employent. I'll be quite happy to work when DS is in school but want to stay at home when he is still little. I worked before DS was born and have paid a lot of tax over the years, but some people still make out like I'm a scrounging chancer.

Can some one remind me what the word 'probably' means? I just wonder if "having a cleaner for two hours a week to do the main clean" and "flexible hours" is that representative of the average working single parent?

I'm sorry gonna have to stop posting on this thread. I will now perform a random keyboard attack as penance for my part in keeping this god awful thread going.

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Why do people have to be so unpleasant and vitriolic to those who have so much less.

Some Lp's have paid into the system for many years. Absent fathers could also be paying into the system.

Do you measure what you have put into the system and taken out accurately?

What about your parents, what did they put in, how many kids did they have? Did you calculate the cost of your own education and healthcare?

How far do you take it to obtain an accurate picture.

I cannot believe people can be so short sighted and ignorant.

of course it's not the case for most working single parents whiteandnerdy but then neither is what pickgo described common!! And yes they did use the word 'probably' ONCE right at the start but it is quite clear that they beleive that is what life is like for most children of working single parents, which is just plain nasty and untrue.

It seems to me that a lot of people like to think that the children of people who have different circumstances to them are somehow worse off. Pickgo is clearly one of them.

p.s my cleaner costs me £4 a week and everyone in my company flexs their hours so it's not that bizarre a concept.

oops £14 a week

... ... blublublublub

Well Berkshire, I am a lp - but I've done both - lp and 2 DCs and worked f-t, lp and married 3 DCs and worked, then SAHM lp. So done all varieties!
I am sorry if you were offended - I certainly don't descry working mums (am one now again!), but take away just some of those factors that make it possible for u (Dad who sees your DD, GP who helps, enough income for cleaner etc) and you might find that you had no chioce but to SAH - like OP and band were saying they have not.
Just wanted to bring all the ill-informed posts upthread down to a bit of reality of what it can really entail for lp families.

Fair dos.

Hi all. I think that sahm in general are stigmatised whether they are married or single. It is the fault of our capitalist, patriarchal society which dosn't value women's work. I speak as a single mum. I very much valued the time I had with my dd when she was a tiny baby. To the judgy mcjudgepants out there; when you are dumped whilst pregnant, your self-esteem takes a huge knock, coupled with the demands of a new baby. You need that time to build your family.

I work now and I am grateful for that too but I am not going to feel bad for being unmarried and claiming.

I do find it odd when married women come on here to lecture us single mums about how to live ''properly''. Bog off.

toptramp+1

We should have like buttons on MN

Before anyone looks down on single mothers they should realize that today's wage economy doesn't support sahms of any kind. In pre-industrial days the home was a hub of economic productivity with women looking after the crops as well as spinning and weaving and making clothes for their family and the usual childcare and housework which was a lot harder in the days before the washing machine etc. It was a much harder life but women were seen as productive.

When we moved to an industrial economy a lot of the work women did was taken away from them: eg. food production and textile production which had been their specialized skill was eventually moved abroad: but women were still required at home to perform housework and childcare and these duties prevented them from competing equally in the wages economy as well as of course labour laws and customs designed to protect men's domains .

So today it's hard for sahms to feel they are contributing to the economy when really it is the nature of our modern globalized economy that prevents them from doing so.

It's not an ideal situation and can only be solved when society changes to value unpaid childcare and establishes a more family friendly work environment.

I am a single parent.
I took a child (not mine) out of the care system. I was working full time at the time I took him on (have done since I was 18). Earning a rather decent wage and had a partner. We had a nice home, went on several holidays and weekends away each year, enjoyed home luxuries.
However, after taking on the baby, my relationship broke down. I was then living in a house which I could not afford alone. I could not claim child benefit and tax credits at the time. I literally could not afford to pay full time childcare fees and cover my rent - never mind anything else!
I struggled for several months but in the end I had no option then but to leave my much loved job!
My child also had numerous problems settling in and 9 months down the line I'm still not working.
Do I feel guilty? No! I am responsible for the emotional health of this child and have had to work hard to create a bond between us and make him feel safe and secure after his unsettled past - this is an ongoing battle. In terms of money, my lifestyle has changed considerably. I cannot afford my luxury holidays on IS, I have to give up many other luxuries I once had. Yet, I'd rather be living on much less and have an emotionally well balanced child in the future - than throw money at the situation and have a child scarred for life!
I will return to work at some point, but I took this child on to raise myself - not for a childminder to raise, as was the case in the first couple of months.
As a worker previously, I admit I had the same thoughts about single parents and those on benefits as the things I've read on this thread. However, taking on this child and my own personal circumstances have made me question that entirely. Life is not so straightforward.
And, I think in society in general, family life is becomming less and less important. When on my death bed - the amount of money I've earned and how many holidays I've been on will not be nearly as important as the love I feel for my child and the reassurance I'll feel that I (not anyone else) brought him up.

Oh and I forgot to add that the money I'm claiming now is not even a quarter of the costs the government were having to pay to keep this child in the care system - taking into account the wage to the foster carer AND the £130 per week they were having to pay just for his upkeep (on top of other costs they can claim for such as £260 to cover his birthday, same amount for christmas and again for a holiday in July). A lot more than the £70 per week, in total and no extras I can claim for him!
That also doesn't cover all the court costs they'd be paying, the costs of setting up supervised contact visits with his parents, the costs of the social workers dealing with the case.
Not that this is the point (I take one and many more take his place in the care system) - but part of my argument as to why I do not feel guilty.

What do you mean when you say, repeatedly, that you "took this child on"? Have you adopted him?

I'm going to jump into this, even though the thread seems to have stopped! I'm a single mum of 3. Not single through choice but as a result of DV. Ex refuses to pay a penny. I do not want to be stuck on IS, but am unable to find a job and/or childcare. Even the the Jobcentre have gone through all kinds of things with me and there simply isn't a solution at this point in time.

I want a job. I want to be working. But there is no childcare for children aged 13 and 10 in my area - in fact even for my 4 yr old there is only one or two who are at their limit anyway.

Think before you judge others. This is not a lifestyle choice for me as I'm sure it's not for others. Being a single mum is hard and lonely. But my kids are ok and they have a roof over their heads.

I'm not sure any of the pre school Mums apart from two, KNEW I was a single stay at home Mum. I dont think any of the school Mums know either and DS is going into Yr1

Judging by this thread you would be wise to keep it that way OLDRAVER.

I think society doesn't value parenting enough. As a tax payer I would much rather money was spent on supporting parents to parent than spend it on child care and working families tax credits or some other forms of government expenditure.

Children deserve a good start in life and with the huge increase (over 70%) in children and young people with mental health problems since 1980 it is clear that many children live in families where they aren't getting the care they need.

Children living in poverty tend to have poor educational, emotional and behavioural outcomes so financial contributions are one of the most important contributions that can be made towards children's welfare. The way I see it failing to support parenting is a false economy because of the long term cost implications on educational, health, social and justice services.

Sorry that should have read "it is clear that many children aren't getting the care they need " rather than "it is clear that many children live in families where they aren't getting the care they need."

I'm a single Mum on benefits atm. I felt guilty about claiming benefits until the lady at JC+ said that benefits were meant for people 'like me' who had paid in and now needed time to raise children.

I worked as a single parent for 8 years with my Ds though and was lucky enough that my parents took on my son whilst I worked for very little cost or I couldn't have done it. I have never had any kind of support from Ds's father; he took off when I was pg.

When I had Dd 8+ years later (pg was a bit of a surprise), I only got a small amount of financial support from her father and I took a career break in order to take care of my Dc's. My Dad had serious health issues towards the end of my pg with Dd, so was unable to look after Ds.

I was hoping to continue the break until my Ds turned 14 so that I could have him take some responsibility for Dd before and after school as my hours are unsocial (I would be leaving home at 6am and often not home until 22:30 hours).

Sadly, the government have changed the rules so that once your youngest child turns 5 you have to go to JSA and sign on fortnightly, look for work and prove it. I'm not sure how I can do this legally as I'm already employed, but not salaried, so 'job seeking' is not what I need to do as I would be returning to my job a year after Dd turns 5.

The problems that I and I expect many many others are facing is the costs of childcare. When I return to work, I'll probably get quite a lot of help through WTC with the childcare element, but after the end of that first financial year, I'll get hardly any help and the following year even less help, so I'll be going to work to pay a CM or BC & ASC (assuming that I can rely on my Ds to help out) and that's assuming that I can find an out of normal hours CM that will service Dd's school...I've had no luck so far.

If I rented my home, I'd get much more help and could possibly consider going pt or changing my job to suit school hours...I can't resign from my job as I'd me making myself unemployed and would lose all benefits from what I gather.

Yes there is a stigma attached to being a SAH single Mum, but I haven't really had that attitude pointed directly at me, but my Ds has!! from a boy at his school who presumably had been listening to his closed minded childminder mother!

Sorry for the life story. I'm suffering great stress from all the worry of my uncertain future right now.
If anyone has any ideas or advice, I'm all ears.

Hi all. I think that sahm in general are stigmatised whether they are married or single. It is the fault of our capitalist, patriarchal society which dosn't value women's work. I speak as a single mum."

I feel that working mums are equally stigmatised. After 6 months off I will be returning to work and dp will become a sahd. Some of the cats bum faces I've already had are beyond belief!

My "women's work" (barf) involves being CEO of a charity and being the main bread winner. My partner will run his business around my working hours
So that we dont bring our child up in poverty which IMHO is really important.

Well, I think I'll be bringing my children up in poverty whether I'm earning £30k pa or on benefits.

Tbf, the only difference will be that I'd be taking my Dd to school and collecting her, cooking for them myself and helping with homework etc as opposed to paying almost my entire salary to someone else to do it all for me. Not sure how I'll pay the mortgage or the bills though.

If you're earbing £30k you won't be bringing your children up in poverty.