Morally,should I put father on birth certificate?

[sarjose]

My son is 4 weeks old, his father moved out and ended the relationship when I was 8 months pregnant, he seems keen on having a relationship with his son although he hasn't tried to arrange to see him since I told him I would be leaving my house when he comes so that 1. I can move on, it hurts having him come and go and 2.he can spend time with his son without me around.
We made an appointment for last Friday morning to register our son's birth, I text the father about 40 mins before the appointment as I had a feeling he may have forgotten or something, no reply..I went to the appointment myself and the registrar,who was lovely,advised me to think carefully about whether I wanted to put the father on the birth certificate at this point,she said we could add it at a later date if I changed my mind. She made me another appointment for Wednesday and said that not having the father's name on the birth certificate could make mine and my baby's life alot easier in the future. My ex rang after and said sorry but he was asleep! I slammed the phone down on him but he found me walking to my friends.( he took both the cars when he left,so I walk everywhere now). He pulled up and started screaming and shouting at me that I was mental and I told him the wrong time etc,then drove off,I got a text soon after,apologising and saying I had given him the correct time after all. He cannot understand why I need set times for him to come have access,Im still deeply hurt after he left however I dont want it to affect his relationship with his son but surely I have a right to heal without being accused of being mental.I dont contact him,my friends are my support and Im doing ok. He was pretty abusive before I got pregnant, so many incidents with him controlling things I cant even remember most of them,anyway after what the registrar said I am seriously considering registering the baby on my own,is that wrong? There is no way I will get child support off him Im not even going to try,he's rubbish with money and it all goes on his cars.If ex can be named on it in the future should I just see how his behaviour goes before taking that step? Im scared of the repercusions from him if he has a problem with not being on the birth certificate.Also,the only thing I can think of that will have an impact from him being on the BC is that he will have automatic parental responsibility and that freaks me out a bit as he may want to take advantage of that in a bad way in the future if he's angry at me for whatever reason...I don't know what to do??

That's a good way of putting it Fit2drop.

What is relevant to a child is not actually a piece of paper. What is relevant is that they have regular, positive and stable contact with a loving non-resident parent.

It is too early to say whether or not the dad in this situation is going to offer that.

The OP has already stated that they are local to and have contact with the paternal grandparents. And that she is ready and willing to accommodate arranged contact visits.

THAT is what will matter to this little boy.

A piece of paper means very little.

My DD is nearly 9, and doesn't even know she has a birth certificate. All she knows is the facts about her biological father, and what he has and has not done about seeing and looking after her.

The BC is an issue of parental pride and old-fashioned issues about long parenthood. Having a space on it where the father's name is doesn't mean a thing in this day and age.

lone parenthood, even. Whoops.

You don't need to have the father's name on the BC in order to know who the father is. The OP is already trying to set up defined contact, for her DS, with her ex. If the ex agrees to and keeps up the contact then the OP's DS will know who his father is and even if the ex doesn't, the OP will still be able to tell her DS who his father is. She could even keep his details written down somewhere for her DS to have if he ever needs to.

I know who my father is.

My father is not on my BC.

There is a line where his name would be if he was on it. As for social stigma, I'm a child of the '70s and the only time I even remember that he's not on my BC is when the subject comes up on threads like this. I rarely use my BC for anything and it doesn't bother me to hand it over as it is.

OP, I'd advise you not to put his name on the BC. It can be added at a later date if necessary.

it doesnt matter whether his name is on the birth certificate now, it can go on later and it makes no real difference believe me if name on it or not. when i first registered my now 4 yo birth i didn't put her dad's name on for similar reasons, but i did months later go and re-register birth with the dad. yes he gets parental responsibility but so what, its just a formality. seriously, dont stress over it. it sounds like this is going to a very minor issue given what you've said. If you wanted to re-arrange the birth registration (and dont forget you've got a time limit) give him email and text with another appointment, if he doesnt turn up, then he's had his opportunity. end of story. if he changes his mind, let him do the running and he has to arrange the re-registration. keep your energy for your child. xxxxx hugs x

I have not read most of the replies on here, but I am going to say this. I was married when I had my first dc to a controlling bully, who mentally and physically abused me. Unfortunately for me this man has automatic parental responsibility for our child. He has used that since I left him (my dc was 6 mths old when I left my ex) and has made my life, and the life of my child complete hell. I have had to get anti-molestation orders on this man. My solicitor (who I am now on first name terms with) has had to stop any form of contact between my dc and my ex in the past whilst we were making an application to the court for contact and residence orders (both were required because my ex repeatedly refused to return our dc to me after contact periods). If you can help it do NOT put this man's name on the Birth Certificate. Your child does not need his name on a birth cert to know who his father is (if things ever improve)

It can be added later once he has earned it.

You earned it by carrying the child for 9 months; you are already its proven parent.

From what you say I think he has quite a lot of catching up to do.

Arranged access is fair and normal. He needs to respect that.

Imfab, I don't think you intended to be mean but your posts make me think you are a bit naive about how thi situation often pans out, and how hard it is to get a father such as this one to behave reasonably - also going through the legal process is really horrible for everyone including the child.

I haven't read everything so apologies if repeating stuff.

I would not add his name. Nor would I discuss this with him. I registered my child without his father's presence, under a name I chose, because his father was abusive and was not around at the time. He had a go about it but truthfully I don't think he wanted to be on the certificate anyway and had made it very clear who would be caring for the child if it was born.

Didn't see him again till child was three and we met in a car park.

"BC is about parentage not parenting.

Everything else is secondary to the actual OP query"

I disagree.

It is a legally binding document that gives both parties Parental Responsibility, as has already been explained (repeatedly) on this thread.

It is not just a piece of paper with two names on it.

You could take anyone with you, biological father or not, and have them put onto it when you register.

These days it is not simply a piece of paper declaring the names/occupations etc of the two biological parents.

This thread seems to be the mumsnet equivalent of hitting your head repeatedly against a brick wall.

I also can't help but notice that those with the strongest views about having two names on the birth certificates are not even lps, and therefore probably have little to no experience of this situation. The OP has no doubt chosen the lp board as the place to post this query with good reason!

To answer the OP - I would have a read through the information given on this thread re; PR. From what you've said, I personally would not take the father with me to register the birth, and if suitable have it amended at a later date.

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/ParentsRights/DG_4002954

Gonzo your link isn't working (need to remove the space). But it's also the same one that has been posted twice already on this thread...

everything MissAnthrope said

I chose to leave my DDs fathers name off of the birth certificate to prevent him from having automatic parental right.

I did this to protect her from him as I do not trust him to be a good father.

I did not believe that he would be interested in parenting her anyway, this was why he stopped contacting me when I was seven weeks pregnant.

And knowing that the blank space could be amended in future with the right legal action, and parental right awarded, I chose to leave it up to him to fill it when he had shown proper commitment and that he could be a responsible adult fit to care for my little girl.

Thus far he has seen her five times in the first year or so. Paid two lots of maintenance. And hasn't been in touch at all for nearly two of the three years.

I think it was the right decision to make. Whether it would be considered moral by others, I don't know, but for me morality is superseded by the need to protect my DD. I don't worry about what anyone else says, I do what feels right for her. I am a very fair person, and gave him loads of prompting and even said that I wouldn't take maintenance so he could use the money to come visit her.

The result suits me really. But it makes me so very sad.

I'll be honest I'm nearly in the same situation as yourself here. I have been told by loads of my friends not to put his name down but I think it's wrong of me to do this to my child. I hate my ex for walking out on me and while my baby will never have his surname I will put his name down as being the father because as much as I hate it, he is the father and the only person who will suffer is my child. I'm not going to allow my bitterness to overtake here.

Also I shall add I have now read every reply and I have changed my mind a bit on what I said earlier. I'm still new to all of this so I'm not really aware what can give you rights and what can't. It actually worries me reading he gets PR of things like schools and passports if I place his name name down on the BC. My ex is a control freak and I guarantee I will end up in court over something as it;s always got to be his rules. My heads telling me one thing and my hearts telling me another...

OP What are you going to do?

Morality needs to encompass what is right for your child and that's not about some symbol of provenance...nice though it is to have a BC with both names on, it's not necessary and what it does is take away from the rights of the mother, giving more to the father, and putting mother and child in a very very vulnerable and exposed position indeed.

my feeling is that it is the outdated idea of the child being stigmatised that sends many single women racing to put the absent father's name down, good father or not. They don't want to be seen to be punishing their child somehow.

But sometimes adding his name can make things a lot worse for both of you. It's really sad that we get punished and our children get punished like this but it isn't our fault, it's just a system that is set up to protect the rights of th absent father above the wellbeing of the mother and child.

I have a fairly strong take on all this, but even so, the facts ore on this thread so hopefully people can make their own minds up based on what happens when you do add their name.

Do not put him on the birth certificate, it sounds like its too risky, give it a few years and then review the situation. Consider it a blessing that he over-slept.your dc isnt going to be affected by his absence on the certificate untill they are grown-up when if its not added on by then you can explain why.
Be strong and look after yourself.

"Imfab, I don't think you intended to be mean but your posts make me think you are a bit naive about how thi situation often pans out, and how hard it is to get a father such as this one to behave reasonably - also going through the legal process is really horrible for everyone including the child."

IngridB - Of course I do not mean to be mean and I have not been mean. I am also not naive, I know how things can go but I also know how a child feels when their father's name is not on the birth certificate. I am not expecting anyone to agree with me as they don't feel the same as me, how could they, they are not me? Someone deciding whether to put their child's father's name on the BC or not needs to think carefully why they are/are not doing it.

Yes, I think most of us would agree with that sentiment - that it needs to be thought about really carefully. I don't think anyone is suggesting otherwise and I hope it didn't come across that way.

I have a been really interested in this thread as it raises the questions around morality.
You could also say that women who become pregnant also have made a moral choice to have their babies. We have freely available contraception and many choices in the ternination of said pregnacy. Is it moral to put a father on the birth certificate who had no wish to be a father? Is it not up to us to ensure we only get pregnant when and with whom we chose.If we find ourselves pregnant and it is our choice to have the child then the father has little say in the matter.
I think it is up to us as mothers to ensure our child has as honest a picture as possible about it's parentage.Putting a name on a birth certificate implies that the father is compliant with the birth. I am sure this is not always the case.
Perhaps we should use our hard earned freedoms to raise children alone because we couldn't face not having them.
It doesn't proclude a child from having a father because it's not on a certificate.

It is your son's birth certificate, for his use through his life. Morally both of his parents should be named on his certificate.

I made the mistake 19yrs ago of not putting the name of my son's father on his birth certificate convinced it would make no difference to my son as he grew up. Although he has never met his father he is very angry for me that there is a line through the space where his father's name should be.

He says it makes him feel that I have denied him the right to have both names on his birth certificate. He does not care that his father and I did not work out or get on, he just wants to be able to show his birth certificate on request without feeling humiliated. He says he feels humiliated because it looks like his mum did not know who his father was.

That is my son's experience of having a birth certificate with only his mum's name on it.

His name can be added any time in the next 18 years. However it gives him legal rights to affect your child's medical treatments, choice of nursery & schools, religious orientation, whether you can leave the country for more than 28 days, whether you can move to a different part of the UK for a job opportunity and lots of other stuff too if you add him to the certificate.

If he has parental responsibility he has the right to interfere in critical choices whether or not he sees the child regularly, pays maintenaince or does any of the other things you'd expect of a decent parent.

Parental responsibility once given can't be taken away unless he does something unthinkable such as sexual abuse.

If you have ANY doubts at this stage don't do it. Let him step up to the plate and be a good Dad for a year or two first. That by the way also involves treating you with a modicum of respect, you don't have to be friends but you do have to be sure that in a medical emergency or other important crisis the two of you could pull together

Only time will tell what capacity he has to put the child's needs, over his desire to control you. This isn't going to be an issue for the child for a few years yet so put it on ice for the time being.

It's hard enough being a lone parent without a controlling ex making life harder for you. Do your job as a parent for the time being and let him take care of his own responsibilities (if it meant that much to him he'd have got out of bed). Let him explain to an adult or teen child why he deserted his Mum at 8 months pg, never slag off the other parent, but don't excuse their actions as the child grows either.

In an ideal you'd be able to pop both names on with no concerns, but this isn't an ideal world and the law can be an ass.

Bochead- excellent post!

really interesting thread as I am having the same trouble deciding on 'birth certificate' naming at the moment. There are some very opinionated people on here though.....Imfab I found some of your naive comments quite offensive.
I am an educated woman, who has found herself in a very difficult position and actually as a 'thinking' person, my moral obligation is to my child (coming in Feb) and I and others can speak to our children about their absent fathers- much more important than a name on a certificate. I have been a teacher for many many years and I also know that having a destructive father named on a certificate can really cause huge issues. I still cannot make my mind up.

I too was interested in seeing this thread revived. I did not put xp on the birth certificate purely because he wasn't present and refuses to communicate with me. It was not done out of spite and i didnt even think of the moral implications. He didnt want her and has never seen her...so why should he have pr? Simples. I am not worried about his name being absent. I Will always be honest with her about WHO her dad is. I too was reccomend not to add his name and was told that we could always add it if he has à personality transplant things change.

Ps i too found imfabs comments unhelpful and naive