Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Morally,should I put father on birth certificate?

151 replies

sarjose · 13/02/2011 16:06

My son is 4 weeks old, his father moved out and ended the relationship when I was 8 months pregnant, he seems keen on having a relationship with his son although he hasn't tried to arrange to see him since I told him I would be leaving my house when he comes so that 1. I can move on, it hurts having him come and go and 2.he can spend time with his son without me around.
We made an appointment for last Friday morning to register our son's birth, I text the father about 40 mins before the appointment as I had a feeling he may have forgotten or something, no reply..I went to the appointment myself and the registrar,who was lovely,advised me to think carefully about whether I wanted to put the father on the birth certificate at this point,she said we could add it at a later date if I changed my mind. She made me another appointment for Wednesday and said that not having the father's name on the birth certificate could make mine and my baby's life alot easier in the future. My ex rang after and said sorry but he was asleep! I slammed the phone down on him but he found me walking to my friends.( he took both the cars when he left,so I walk everywhere now). He pulled up and started screaming and shouting at me that I was mental and I told him the wrong time etc,then drove off,I got a text soon after,apologising and saying I had given him the correct time after all. He cannot understand why I need set times for him to come have access,Im still deeply hurt after he left however I dont want it to affect his relationship with his son but surely I have a right to heal without being accused of being mental.I dont contact him,my friends are my support and Im doing ok. He was pretty abusive before I got pregnant, so many incidents with him controlling things I cant even remember most of them,anyway after what the registrar said I am seriously considering registering the baby on my own,is that wrong? There is no way I will get child support off him Im not even going to try,he's rubbish with money and it all goes on his cars.If ex can be named on it in the future should I just see how his behaviour goes before taking that step? Im scared of the repercusions from him if he has a problem with not being on the birth certificate.Also,the only thing I can think of that will have an impact from him being on the BC is that he will have automatic parental responsibility and that freaks me out a bit as he may want to take advantage of that in a bad way in the future if he's angry at me for whatever reason...I don't know what to do??

OP posts:
fit2drop · 13/02/2011 21:32

Gillybean, I will have to stand corrected on that until I research and prove otherwise
However I stand by my statement that a father should be named on a BC. (yes I hear now he has to be there) my response again is to the op. Morally should his name be put on
answer= yes because MORALLY the child has a right to have both parents names on .At least for as much to be able to access his/her roots when older for so many different reasons.

I am certainly not posting to cause trouble
And what I dont understand is why , just because someones opinion is different to the more regular posters on here then it is assumed to be a flame post.

Not at allHmm

I reserve the right to my opinion and not be accused of being a troll or trollish or site invader.

I really did think this site was a little more adult than "please sir hes/she is picking on me "

peace x

EditedforClarity · 13/02/2011 21:34

Herefit2drop.

Original poster
sarjose · 13/02/2011 21:34

fittodrop I am in no way trying to reap revenge or get back at him for not wanting a relationship, gosh, I thought I had made it clear this is not about me and him, it is fear, as the main carer, that this man will use the tools that parental responsibilities give him to punish me by taking my child...that is all. I'm shocked that you think I am asking this question to try and spite my ex, I love my baby and I want what is the best possible in a not ideal situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
sarjose · 13/02/2011 21:36

And we live in a small town, round the corner from my baby's paternal grandparents, he will know his roots

OP posts:
fit2drop · 13/02/2011 21:37

OADCB

Were where where has it been stated that he is abusive to his child?

We have only read (one side) that he was abusive to the mother,

And though that is very very wrong we need to keep this real and be very honest about women sorned using past behaviours as an excuse to "get their own back" on fathers.
I am NOT saying that is thhe cae here, what I am saying there is nothing in the OP posts to suggest he was ever a threat to the children

fit2drop · 13/02/2011 21:40

sarjose I understand that and appreciate it .
I didnt mean you , I was talking generally ...

maybe I need to step away ...I too thought I had made it clear that my thoughts were about what would be best for a child in this situation

peace Sarjose , I hope you get a peaceful resolution to this x

YourMajesty · 13/02/2011 21:40

You have asked morally, should I put father's name on birth certificate?

The answer is YES. IMO.

gillybean2 · 13/02/2011 21:41

OP please don't worry about the 'morality' of it. It is irrelevant.
You need to do what is best at this time in the full knowledge that your ex can be added at any point in the future either by your agreement or by court order.

IN reality if this were about morals then you only need to ask yourself what morals your ex has on walking out on you at 8 months pregnant after you finally agreed to have his baby. And what morals he has if he can yell and scream at you in teh street when it was he didn't turn up for the appointment...

You have more important things to concern yourself with while taking care of your baby.

JohnBovi · 13/02/2011 21:44

Even if he isn't on the birth certificate he can still go to court to get PR. Leaving him off won't mean that you'll prevent him having a say int he child's upbringing forever, it'll just be delayed if he's of a mind to go to court over it.

Original poster
sarjose · 13/02/2011 21:44

thank you gillybean2

OP posts:
Original poster
sarjose · 13/02/2011 21:45

Idon't want to prevent him 'having a say in the childs upbringing' :o

OP posts:
Original poster
sarjose · 13/02/2011 21:46

didn't mean to grin meant to Shock

OP posts:
OADCB · 13/02/2011 21:47

FIT2DROP

I never said he was abusive to the children.
However it could be seen that his display of emotional abuse towards the mother is abusive behaviour towards the child who has witnessed it.

greathundred · 13/02/2011 21:48

I can only share my own experiences here. DD doesn't have her father's name on her bc. It has a line through the space, it does not say 'unknown'.

I couldn't put his name on the bc at the time because he'd left me and I didn't know where he was - we weren't married, and as other posters have said, the father needs to be present in order for the name to be put on.

DD has never suffered any social stigma because of it. In fact, she is 13 now and there's never been any reason for her to see her bc (we've used Child Benefit letters or passport to cover any ID we've ever needed).

DD's father has never had a presence in her life, so that makes my situation different from the OP. But I'm relieved that I never opened up the risk of him having PR.

DD has special needs, which means that I've had to change school many times and also had to deal with lots of legal papers wrt statementing, wills and trust funds etc. I've known single parents whose children have really suffered when the father has refused to allow the child to change school (one of the rights that PR gives you) or opposed some medical/psychological interventions, purely as a way of playing games/gaining control. I'm very glad that I've been able to feel confident about making the right parenting decisions for my child without having to fight against a manipulative ex.

OADCB · 13/02/2011 21:49

JohnBovi Yes he could apply to court but it would need to be proven to be in the best interest of the child

fit2drop · 13/02/2011 21:52

Gillybean.....
But OPs question was about the "morality" of it .
Hmm

editedforClarity Thank you for the info Smile

JohnBovi · 13/02/2011 21:53

I'm not sure I'm following then why you don't want to put him on there. You talk about repercussions and him taking advantage in a bad way. But not putting him on the birth certificate won't prevent that.

KangarooCaught · 13/02/2011 21:55

Nope, I wouldn't. Would just go ahead and register & not raise it again as a subject. If he can't be bothered to make time, he's not on it & it's his doing. I believe Ed Miliband had similar issues!

TinyPawz · 13/02/2011 22:06

I wouldn;t put him on the cert.

Certainly if he wants to be invloved, let him be involved, encourage him to involved.

I have just spent the best part of 6months, coaxing and cajoling my ex to sign DD passport form! Not a fun time. He visits her max of 3 times a year. Last year he spent a grand total of 9 hours in her company adn he is holding me randsom with passport, school choices etc just because he can.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 13/02/2011 22:15

Can I just ask, are you planning on giving your DS your surname or your ex's? I gave my DS my surname, because I carried him, I gave birth to him (with my mum present, not my ex), we weren't married, and as my ex had hardly been in touch during my pregnancy, I gave my DS my surname. I'm forever grateful that I did this. I pay for him, I look after him, I do everything for him, and I can't imagine him having my ex's surname when he does nothing for him. Think very carefully about his name before you register him.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 13/02/2011 22:17

Listen to TinyPawz. This is the kind of power he will be able to have over you if he's on the BC. I'm not saying he will be like this, but from what you describe he's hardly the most reasonable and stable minded father on the planet. This could be you in a few years, stressing over getting a passport or applying for a school place. Things like that won't only affect you, but your DS. Think carefully.

justonemorethen · 13/02/2011 22:25

Bon Jovi ...er yes putting him on would.It makes him the father legally.
Morally he IS the father regardless.
Declaring the father to the world is fine but actually the truth is they still ask for DNA tests, weasel out of responsibility and won't pay anything.
The certificate may mean something 50 years down the line but here and now it doesn't prove a thing.As an unmarried couple you could put anyone on the certificate. It's a hoop it doesn't reflect on your ability to raise a happy child. Honestly.

JohnBovi · 13/02/2011 22:37

I'm not sure I understand what you're saying justonemorethen. He's the father in every sense whether he's on the birth certificate or not. I just don't get why you wouldn't put him on there.

JustForThisOne · 13/02/2011 23:18

I guess if you do not get why it is impossible for anybody to explain better the BG and others have already and eloquently done

fit2drop · 13/02/2011 23:23

BC is about parentage not parenting.

Everything else is secondary to the actual OP query.

Swipe left for the next trending thread