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Original poster

Morally,should I put father on birth certificate?

151 replies

sarjose · 13/02/2011 16:06

My son is 4 weeks old, his father moved out and ended the relationship when I was 8 months pregnant, he seems keen on having a relationship with his son although he hasn't tried to arrange to see him since I told him I would be leaving my house when he comes so that 1. I can move on, it hurts having him come and go and 2.he can spend time with his son without me around.
We made an appointment for last Friday morning to register our son's birth, I text the father about 40 mins before the appointment as I had a feeling he may have forgotten or something, no reply..I went to the appointment myself and the registrar,who was lovely,advised me to think carefully about whether I wanted to put the father on the birth certificate at this point,she said we could add it at a later date if I changed my mind. She made me another appointment for Wednesday and said that not having the father's name on the birth certificate could make mine and my baby's life alot easier in the future. My ex rang after and said sorry but he was asleep! I slammed the phone down on him but he found me walking to my friends.( he took both the cars when he left,so I walk everywhere now). He pulled up and started screaming and shouting at me that I was mental and I told him the wrong time etc,then drove off,I got a text soon after,apologising and saying I had given him the correct time after all. He cannot understand why I need set times for him to come have access,Im still deeply hurt after he left however I dont want it to affect his relationship with his son but surely I have a right to heal without being accused of being mental.I dont contact him,my friends are my support and Im doing ok. He was pretty abusive before I got pregnant, so many incidents with him controlling things I cant even remember most of them,anyway after what the registrar said I am seriously considering registering the baby on my own,is that wrong? There is no way I will get child support off him Im not even going to try,he's rubbish with money and it all goes on his cars.If ex can be named on it in the future should I just see how his behaviour goes before taking that step? Im scared of the repercusions from him if he has a problem with not being on the birth certificate.Also,the only thing I can think of that will have an impact from him being on the BC is that he will have automatic parental responsibility and that freaks me out a bit as he may want to take advantage of that in a bad way in the future if he's angry at me for whatever reason...I don't know what to do??

OP posts:
SugarMousePink · 13/02/2011 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sarjose · 13/02/2011 17:17

sugarmousepink thank you, yes, that sounds like the most sensible plan,I will try and get that arranged.
fivegomadindorset you are right,yes.

OP posts:
OADCB · 13/02/2011 17:17

This man is controlling and abusive.

With PR he could decide not to return your son after access and you would have to go to court for a judgement.

I wouldnt be putting him on the birth certificate.

ImFab · 13/02/2011 17:18

What will you tell your child when they ask why their father's name is not on the BC?

OADCB · 13/02/2011 17:23

Imfab

What would you do to protect your child from being used as a prawn in this fathers control game?

Original poster
sarjose · 13/02/2011 17:24

If his name is still not on the BC when my son is old enough to be asking questions like that,then there will be a very good reason.My main concern is what oadcb raised...

OP posts:
OADCB · 13/02/2011 17:27

Also Please please keep a diary of events- both positive and negative. Include the childs behaviour/ reaction too when appropriate

Strictly · 13/02/2011 17:31

I would never want my child to have a blank space on their BC, even if just for the social stigma that would bring.

Secondly, I believe a child has a right to know both parents, and seen as you do actually know I can't understand why you'd rather have a blank.

At the end of the day he will always be the father so leaving him out doesn't really serve any purpose IMO.

ImFab · 13/02/2011 17:32

How would the child be used as a pawn and if this was the case I would get professional input to make sure that didn't happen. That is what I would do.

Original poster
sarjose · 13/02/2011 17:36

strictly having the fathers name on the BC gives him automatic parental rights, given the type of person he has shown himself to be,I am worried he might abduct him to punish me in the future,if this happens,the police have no powers to return him to me,and as I am clearly going to be the one sole parenting,who would want that threat??

OP posts:
OADCB · 13/02/2011 17:41

In the profession I am training for I have seen many cases when Children are used as a pawn (not a prawn as I said previously Blush )

OP Trust your instinct

OADCB · 13/02/2011 17:43

Sarjose have you considered what arrangements you will make for access?

Original poster
sarjose · 13/02/2011 17:44

thank you OADCB you understand

OP posts:
Original poster
sarjose · 13/02/2011 17:47

I've recently told him he can arrange with me days and times where he can come to mine while baby is so little,I will go out so he can have time alone with his son. When baby is a bit bigger he can then take him to his. We were getting on well before the other day and he was just turning up whenever he wanted,and that was pretty much every day, I realised that this was not doing me any good with regards to healing and moving on hence the above arrangement.He hasn't made any move to make the new arrangement yet,think he may think that I might change my mind and just let him come and go again,not sure

OP posts:
OADCB · 13/02/2011 17:50

Sarjose. Completely understand.

Heres an example based on my so far limited experience/knowledge.

My ex may decide not to return my son after access weekend. I may call the police. They cant intervene- Child is not at immediate risk of harm. Ring Social Services- Duty Social Worker visits- child is happy- father not a risk.

I then apply to the court for a residency order. Cafcass would get involved to look at best interests of child......its not a quick process and something a abusive/controlling father could easily do

OADCB · 13/02/2011 17:53

Firstly I would not recommend contact takes place in your home. Are there any relatives who could act as a intermediatary? What about contact centres?

Georgimama · 13/02/2011 17:56

Morally a child should have both parents' names on their birth certificate, yes.

He can apply for PR if he isn't put on at the time. I think he has to be with you when you register, and you need to do that within 6 weeks of the birth, so I would just send him a text telling him time and date and place, and if he doesn't show go ahead and register without him. He does sound like a complete arsehole, I have to say (although there must surely have been some inkling of this before you got pregnant - the lack of contact with his other child is a telling sign).

I also think you need to get some advice about putting set contact in place, rather than him just turning up when he feels like it.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 13/02/2011 18:16

I was in a similar situation. My ex left me for someone else when I was 17 weeks into a planned pregnancy, after saying all he wanted was to have a baby with me Confused. I hardly heard from him for the rest of my pg, apart from when he came over the collect his post and I was sneerily told I 'was massive'Hmm. As we weren't married and he didn't attend the registration of my son's birth, I didn't put him on the BC.

Fast forward almost 5 years and my ex has never bothered to even see my DS and I've had to chase the CSA many times to get the pittance I receive in maintenance from him. I'm now so glad I didn't put him on the BC, as he doesn't deserve to be on my there - and I'd like to meet anyone who can argue otherwise. Someone said that there's a social stigma to having a gap on the child's birth certificate - what a load of crap! There are so few times you need a show a birth certificate in your life that the subject is unlikely even to come up, and as long as you can give your son his dad's name, photos from your relationship etc, then I don't see a problem. You can explain why his dad's name isn't on the birth certificate if he ever asks (possibly) and is bothered by it (unlikely). As your registrar said, you can always add the dad's name at a later date if he proves to be a good dad - my registrar told me the same thing, but unfortunately I've had no cause to get his name put on there Sad.

Don't forget if you put him on the BC it gives him certain rights. He can take your DS out of the country on holiday (I believe without your permission - someone correct me if I'm wrong) and I believe (again, correct me if I'm wrong) he can stop you taking your DS out of the country, say for a holiday.

As for the money issue, contact the CSA immediately and get a claim put in. Also get some proper access times sorted and stick to them - give him an inch and he'll take a mile. Finally, don't let him in your house for contact. Use a trusted relative's home or a contact centre. Good luck.

ImFab · 13/02/2011 18:32

It isn't right to stop your baby seeing his father every day just because you can't deal with the relationship being over.

SugarMousePink · 13/02/2011 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

billybunter · 13/02/2011 19:23

I would urge you not to put the fathers name on the certificate too.

OP there is a certain poster on your thread who seems to have a particularly strong feeling that children must have both parents names on the certificate. As if it's a moral outrage to have no fathers name. It isn't. Anyway I've seen her posts on similar threads so please take no notice of her.

You will be opening yourself up to a whole heap of trouble if you give rights to an abusive man.

sevendwarves · 13/02/2011 19:23

Great post softkitty

OP I certainly wouldn't put his name on the BC, it takes a lot more than his sperm to make him a good dad. If he proves himself to be a good dad then as you say you can always add him later.

And PMSL at the "social stigma" of a blank space. Surely better a blank space than an abusive fuckwit with PR.

EditedforClarity · 13/02/2011 19:29

I wouldn't put it on yet. She how things go and put him on later. There is no social stigma to not having the name on the certificate, from the short cert who can tell anyway? And it's just a line in the space not 'father unknown' or anything else.

OADCB · 13/02/2011 19:31

Great post softkitten - said exactly what I wanted to say!

gillybean2 · 13/02/2011 19:37

Firstly - If you are not married your ex will have to turn up at the registry office in order to have his name on the certficate. If he doesn't turn up then you can't put it on.
And he didn't turn up. I personally would have gone ahead and registered without him then and there...

Secondly - child support is payable whether he is named on the certificate or not. If you can not agree an arrangement between you (or he doesn't pay) you go to the CSA. If he denies partnerity then a DNA test is arranged, and then he pays...
If he has a job (PAYE) then they can make a deduction from his earnings. CSA isn't great to be honest, but you will have more luck if he has a regular job and is paid PAYE.
So child support, or lack of, should NOT be a consideration in putting him on the birth certificate. He has to pay regardless.

If his name is on the birth certificate he will have parental responsibilty automatically. You are right to think carefully about this with someone who is unreliable, controlling and does not appear to have your child's best interests at heart. In fact I'd think carefully about giving it to anyone, let alone someone who is not reliable and may use it to get at you.
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/ParentsRights/DG_4002954

Whether he has PR or not your ex will always be your child's father and nothing can ever change that. WHat he chooses to do about that fact will tell you a lot about whether he is a dad as well as a father to your child.

If in time he proves that in fact he does have your child's best interests at heart and proves he is a responsible, caring, emotional and financially supportive father to his child then you can get the birth certificate amended at any time.
Or if he decides to go to court for it he will probably get it granted (assuming he can be arsed cares enough to do what is required that and can show that he is doing it for his child not just to spite you and make your life difficult).

I did put my ds's father's name on his birth certificate. It is the only thing he has ever done for his child I might add. However the law was different then and I did not have to consider automatic PR in my decision.
If I had that situation again now I too would think very hard about it.

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