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Original poster

Morally,should I put father on birth certificate?

151 replies

sarjose · 13/02/2011 16:06

My son is 4 weeks old, his father moved out and ended the relationship when I was 8 months pregnant, he seems keen on having a relationship with his son although he hasn't tried to arrange to see him since I told him I would be leaving my house when he comes so that 1. I can move on, it hurts having him come and go and 2.he can spend time with his son without me around.
We made an appointment for last Friday morning to register our son's birth, I text the father about 40 mins before the appointment as I had a feeling he may have forgotten or something, no reply..I went to the appointment myself and the registrar,who was lovely,advised me to think carefully about whether I wanted to put the father on the birth certificate at this point,she said we could add it at a later date if I changed my mind. She made me another appointment for Wednesday and said that not having the father's name on the birth certificate could make mine and my baby's life alot easier in the future. My ex rang after and said sorry but he was asleep! I slammed the phone down on him but he found me walking to my friends.( he took both the cars when he left,so I walk everywhere now). He pulled up and started screaming and shouting at me that I was mental and I told him the wrong time etc,then drove off,I got a text soon after,apologising and saying I had given him the correct time after all. He cannot understand why I need set times for him to come have access,Im still deeply hurt after he left however I dont want it to affect his relationship with his son but surely I have a right to heal without being accused of being mental.I dont contact him,my friends are my support and Im doing ok. He was pretty abusive before I got pregnant, so many incidents with him controlling things I cant even remember most of them,anyway after what the registrar said I am seriously considering registering the baby on my own,is that wrong? There is no way I will get child support off him Im not even going to try,he's rubbish with money and it all goes on his cars.If ex can be named on it in the future should I just see how his behaviour goes before taking that step? Im scared of the repercusions from him if he has a problem with not being on the birth certificate.Also,the only thing I can think of that will have an impact from him being on the BC is that he will have automatic parental responsibility and that freaks me out a bit as he may want to take advantage of that in a bad way in the future if he's angry at me for whatever reason...I don't know what to do??

OP posts:
JustForThisOne · 13/02/2011 20:50

sorry ImFab I am sure you mean well, but somehow I do not think you are talking out of experience

OP I think you need to call on some legal/professional help to negotiate access. Seldom but regular. See if he can stick to it. There is nothing worst for a child that contact that fizzles out in time

JustForThisOne · 13/02/2011 20:53

ImFab
OP may not be bothered but I am, I really mean it, your statement about morality and stuff are very upsetting and
I am sure many people think the same as you too...

OADCB · 13/02/2011 20:54

That's fine Imfab- you obviously dont want to explore your thoughts other than make sweeping statements.

LadyBiscuit · 13/02/2011 20:55

ImFab - even if the OP wanted to put her baby's bio dad on the birth certificate she can't unless he is there

It's not her choice. It's his

fit2drop · 13/02/2011 21:06

I agree with IMFAB.

the issues between the parents are totally separate to whether the child has a right to have both parents on the BC.
It is surely a fundamental right of any human being to know who their father is.

Not having a fathers name on because the father is abusive is not a valid reason.

People get very emotive and shout about but he is this and he had done that and he could do this and he could do that.
#Whatever!!!
He IS the childs father ... what more is there to say.
He either steps up to the mark or not, but not having him named on the BC will not change it either way and should never be used as a bargaining tool.
This is not about the parents rights.
Its about whats right for the child. The child has a right to have his father's name on the BC.

Any other problems can be sorted through the legal system, whether he listens to the legal system is something else the adults will have to deal with.
Having his name on the BC does not automatically give him PR.
The parent who has a residence order usually makes all the major decisions on a child thats living with them.
Courts now deal with the childs best interest,NOW and in the future not whats best for the mum , dad, or aunt fanny. !!!

LadyBiscuit · 13/02/2011 21:09

fit2drop - did you read gilly's post or mine???

A mother cannot name an absent father on the birth certificate if they are unmarried.

Jesus wept, sometimes it's like talking into the wind around here

Original poster
sarjose · 13/02/2011 21:09

That is the plan,and here's the latest..I just received a message saying that he didn't intend us to split up for good and that he still loves me...........how typical!!It looks to me like he knows he isn't getting his way and is resorting to sucking up to me or tricking me into being soft with him

OP posts:
EditedforClarity · 13/02/2011 21:11

Having his name on the cert does give him PR.

OADCB · 13/02/2011 21:12

Fit2drop you are wrong about PR. I suggest you read the thread fully or do some independent research

OADCB · 13/02/2011 21:13

Sarjose- predictable behaviour. You going to ignore it?

Original poster
sarjose · 13/02/2011 21:14

yes for sure, he must think I'm stupid

OP posts:
fit2drop · 13/02/2011 21:14

lady biscuit, I did not read your post, I appologise for tis but you posted whilst I was typing , YES I AM THAT SLOW AT TYPING. and I got distracted by my puppies, .
Yes you are right but I was answering the op..
MORALLY should she put him on BC. answer is YES,

all the reasons here for not doing so, apart from those that say he has to be there anyway Grin well the others are giving emotive answers. He has to proove himself etc, that is twaddle. I he turns up to be put on the BC then there is no reason he shouldnt be. Even the most evil of people have children and are put on BCs, it is the lawful and right thing to do for the childs sake.

LadyBiscuit · 13/02/2011 21:18

fit2drop - ooh puppies :o

If he turns up next time, then I agree he should go on it the BC because that's what the OP has said will happen. But that really has to be his last chance - frankly I'm not sure I'd have bothered giving him another one if I'd been the OP but she's clearly nicer than me

I'm not really sure it does children a huge amount of good to know that they have a dad who is flaky as fuck to be honest but I think that's another thread.

gillybean2 · 13/02/2011 21:18

Fit2Drop you are WRONG about several things.

No child has a right to have their father named on their birth certificate unless the parents are married. These parents are not married. The father has to agree to it and turn up otherwise he can not be legall put on the ceryificate.

YOu are also wrong about PR. PR is automatically granted now to any unmarried parent if they are named on the borth certificate,

And you are also WRONG about residency. There is no automatic residenct and mo one has residency of a child unless they go to court to obtain it. So the mother here would not have automatic residency and if her ex had PR he could very well take their baby, not return it, and insist he be the parent with care until otherwise agreed by a court.

I somehow get the feeling we are being invaded by those posters that were causing issues before on other threads...

missmehalia · 13/02/2011 21:19

Hi OP, was in a v similar place quite a few years ago with DD1.

The dad sounds a bit of a pillock atm. As someone on here has already said, your no 1 responsibility is to your son. Not the dad. It's him who's being irrational and irresponsible.

See how things pan out before you put the dad's name on there, esp if it automatically gives him parental responsibility. This could create a bundle of trouble for your DS.

Go to the CSA as a matter of urgency. Forget negotiating with the dad, he'll only stop paying you with an informal arrangement the minute he doesn't get things all his own way. He sounds very hot headed and immature. CSA will take money from his paycheque, he won't have any control over it. It's also important in the future that DS knows that his dad paid money for his welfare (It's important that you can find good things to say about him, it's 50% of DS's gene pool. No slagging off! DS can make his own mind up later on.)

The dad sounds like he still sees you as 'his property'. You do not have to explain your decision to have formal arrangements for access. It was him that chose to leave. Responsibilities and consequences come with that.

Sit back and watch how things go. There is nothing you have to do other than mother. Let yourself go into full-on Mother Bear mode. You'll be glad you did. I hope you've got nice people taking care of you.

missmehalia · 13/02/2011 21:21

Just think, if he DOES get parental responsibility, he will think he's got every right to interfere in every single parenting decision, no matter how small. Do you really want that hassle? And what about when you meet someone new... don't get me started!! You'll be signing away your independence for good.

You've agreed to stick to regular contact agreements, and have been totally responsible about that. It should be quite enough under the circumstances.

fit2drop · 13/02/2011 21:21

OADCB.
Maybe we are at cross purposes there is a difference between parental Rights and parental responsibilities.
He is entitled to his rights and why should he not have them...

he has not been judged to be a violent or unfit father by the courts only by the women he has thwarted and I am not saying they are wrong ... just that it is not their place to take his rights as a father away from him just because he does not love them, shags around, lies cheats or whatever, obviously if they can proove that he is a violent and unfit father then that is a different story but his name should still be on the BC and SS would ask the courts to take away his rights.

gillybean2 · 13/02/2011 21:23

fit2drop - parents have no rights over their child, only responsibilities

TrappedinSuburbia · 13/02/2011 21:25

I went through a solicitor to get my ex's name on the birth certificate, tbh I done it so that if my ds ever had to hand his birth certificate over for anything he would not be embarassed that there was no name under the father.
No-one could understand why I was doing this, even the solicitor I used.
My situation was different though, I live 50 miles away from ex and he has never even clapped eyes on his ds and has absolutely no interest, so I don't have the worry about him pulling any tricks etc.
Its really up to you, you know your ex and whether he will pull any stunts etc.
I had to go through the csa first though as he denied he was ds's father and we had to go for a dna test (dr there asked if I had done this before) not a nice experience, but in the long term all for the best, for me anyway.

OADCB · 13/02/2011 21:25

Social services and courts can only revoke PR on adoption.

I stand by my view that the father should not be named on birth cert in light of his abusive earlier in week. Too many risk factors at present.

TrappedinSuburbia · 13/02/2011 21:26

Oh and I would have been happy for ex to be in ds's life, but totally not interested.

splashyy · 13/02/2011 21:26

Haven't read all the posts.

Personally I would put the father's name on the birth certificate, regardless of how useless a father he is. This is because it wouldn't feel right for my child to have 'unknown' for their father on their birth certificate.

I was in a similar situation, and both of our names are on my dd's bc.

gillybean2 · 13/02/2011 21:30

It doesn't say 'unknown' on the certificate! Grief there is so much mis-information about!

EditedforClarity · 13/02/2011 21:31

The cert only has a line where the father's name should be. It does not say 'unknown'.

ImFab · 13/02/2011 21:32

I haven't said anything about morality.

I know what my thoughts and experiences are and do not need to explore them here and now.