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Original poster

Morally,should I put father on birth certificate?

151 replies

sarjose · 13/02/2011 16:06

My son is 4 weeks old, his father moved out and ended the relationship when I was 8 months pregnant, he seems keen on having a relationship with his son although he hasn't tried to arrange to see him since I told him I would be leaving my house when he comes so that 1. I can move on, it hurts having him come and go and 2.he can spend time with his son without me around.
We made an appointment for last Friday morning to register our son's birth, I text the father about 40 mins before the appointment as I had a feeling he may have forgotten or something, no reply..I went to the appointment myself and the registrar,who was lovely,advised me to think carefully about whether I wanted to put the father on the birth certificate at this point,she said we could add it at a later date if I changed my mind. She made me another appointment for Wednesday and said that not having the father's name on the birth certificate could make mine and my baby's life alot easier in the future. My ex rang after and said sorry but he was asleep! I slammed the phone down on him but he found me walking to my friends.( he took both the cars when he left,so I walk everywhere now). He pulled up and started screaming and shouting at me that I was mental and I told him the wrong time etc,then drove off,I got a text soon after,apologising and saying I had given him the correct time after all. He cannot understand why I need set times for him to come have access,Im still deeply hurt after he left however I dont want it to affect his relationship with his son but surely I have a right to heal without being accused of being mental.I dont contact him,my friends are my support and Im doing ok. He was pretty abusive before I got pregnant, so many incidents with him controlling things I cant even remember most of them,anyway after what the registrar said I am seriously considering registering the baby on my own,is that wrong? There is no way I will get child support off him Im not even going to try,he's rubbish with money and it all goes on his cars.If ex can be named on it in the future should I just see how his behaviour goes before taking that step? Im scared of the repercusions from him if he has a problem with not being on the birth certificate.Also,the only thing I can think of that will have an impact from him being on the BC is that he will have automatic parental responsibility and that freaks me out a bit as he may want to take advantage of that in a bad way in the future if he's angry at me for whatever reason...I don't know what to do??

OP posts:
OADCB · 13/02/2011 19:46

Excellent post gillybean.

It not really a question if morals it's about protecting child from a potentially controlling abuse of PR

SugarMousePink · 13/02/2011 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyBiscuit · 13/02/2011 19:57

What gillybean said. To be honest, it isn't actually your choice - if he doesn't turn up, he doesn't go on the BC.

Some people seem to be confused between that and giving a bio dad access. They aren't actually the same thing Hmm

ImFab · 13/02/2011 20:01

billybunter it is obvious you mean me so why not use my name instead of being cowardly?

If the OP has an issue with me posting my feelings then she can ignore me, I am sure she doesn't need you telling her to ignore me.

OADCB · 13/02/2011 20:03

Imfab. I am interested to hear what you would do if you were in the OP situation and the fact the father is abusive,

justonemorethen · 13/02/2011 20:09

Gillybean summed it up.
I was worried about the "stigma" and the effect on my son but to be honest haven't met any situation yet where it's made the slightest bit of difference.
Morally he will be the father regardless. Legally is another issue and one that will serve you best being independant as essentially thats what he wanted you to be.

ImFab · 13/02/2011 20:13

I would put the name on the BC and sort out access legally.

Original poster
sarjose · 13/02/2011 20:14

Food for thought,and I thank you for your input,it's definately given me a clearer idea of the best thing to do :)

OP posts:
JustForThisOne · 13/02/2011 20:20

My son is 6, he loves his surname, same as mine and his grannies, the only family he knows and associates with.
I had no doubt about it. I was on my own from the start and 6 years down the line my instinct was right.
Someone above said the child has got the right to father surname. Where did you read that? Surely not in the Children Rights Act

OADCB · 13/02/2011 20:22

I'm interested to know whether you have any experience of separated families particulary abusive ones because it's not that easy Imfab.

Did you know that a parent with PR can also have a say in schools, hospital care, doctors and dentists. NRPs who are controlling often do use this on an abusive way. They can even gain a passport.

Original poster
sarjose · 13/02/2011 20:22

which is to go ahead and register him alone, and tell the father if he wants to be put on the birth certificate he's welcome to get it arranged...I am almost 100% sure that he will not 'get round to it'which means he doesn't get automatic rights yet he can't berate me for 'going behind his back'which is how he would see it.

OP posts:
ImFab · 13/02/2011 20:24

OADCB, I really don't want to talk about my situation. I am sure the OP doesn't really care what I think and that is fine. I was just posting my thoughts.

JustForThisOne · 13/02/2011 20:24

sorry, grandparents not grannies Blush

SugarMousePink · 13/02/2011 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sarjose · 13/02/2011 20:26

imfab In my experience,not everyone respects 'legally'...certainly not him

OP posts:
OADCB · 13/02/2011 20:26

Your "thoughts" are actually quite mean and judgemental so I was Hoping to explore what led you to think them.

SugarMousePink · 13/02/2011 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sarjose · 13/02/2011 20:29

sugarmousepink yeah,and maybe he won't even think to check, here's hoping,that would make things less tricky

OP posts:
SugarMousePink · 13/02/2011 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sarjose · 13/02/2011 20:40

I certainly will do, he sent me a message earlier on asking; why I was being like this, he loved coming round to see me and the boys. He doesn't seem to have a clue why it's not feasible?? I sent a reply saying;I'm not 'being like' anything and to let me know when he's ready to arrange contact with child. Its weird trying to stand your ground against someone who doesn't seem to be on the same planet!

OP posts:
ImFab · 13/02/2011 20:41

My thoughts were not mean or judgemental. Angry

justabit · 13/02/2011 20:45

I agree with others. Only put his name on the birth certificate once (if ) he acts like a father. It isn't a question of morality. It is a question of what is best for the baby (congratulations) and for you. Your child needs certainty, security, love. You can't force this man to give your child these things. In my view he only gets the status of father once he provides them. That is the morality that everyone should be concerned about.

OADCB · 13/02/2011 20:46

The baby deserves to have father on birth cert, you shouldn't deny him daily access because of your feelings, what will you tell your son ( like Its a major stigma)

Not judgemental or mean at all my mistake.

I am going to assume you have no real experience of family law too as your posts are too idealistic

SugarMousePink · 13/02/2011 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImFab · 13/02/2011 20:48

I never said it was a stigma.

I have more important things to do with my time than discuss this anymore with you OADCB.

The OP isn't bothered by my posts so why should you be and while I am not idealistic, if I was there is nothing wrong with it.

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