Where have all the fit, interesting and available men gone (part 29)

[lilacisinlove]

Too good an opportunity to miss!

MILY - Its a bit like Carrot lives in a Disney film tbh. But it is one of the things I love about him. He has never had any crap to deal with tbh - his parents are still happily married, his previous relationships have broken down, but not in sort of major heartbreak ways. It gives him this sort of childlike innocent look about the world which is infectious. I hate the thought of him waiting for this perfection and then losing his chance to do the family, kids etc. (Regardless of my feelings for him iyswim).

Can someone please tell me why I am so drawn to bloody Matt? (arse not withstanding) I want to go out for a drink with the bloke, do something on a non-naked basis. Our lives are worlds apart, but how we are feeling about them is eerily in sync. I can't tell what he thinks about me. If I don't contact him for a while, then he contacts me. I can't tell if he thinks it is a bad idea, or just knows that I have said it is (several times). Plus my mate (who started this whole thing) has told him I just want sex (which yes, I did initially) and I know he is trying to sort his life out and not just do that.

Gah. Bloody men. I have the disney one I can't have. The aspergers one I am not sure I can handle (I have so much AS in my life already). The screwed up one that I can't tell if he wants me or not, and that I know it is a silly idea.

and I had a dream last night that my mum went on a date with FBS!!!

flame, I have a full time teaching job, a part time job, a voluntary role for the union, two kids, two parents and a secret relationship...and yet your life is far more complicated than mine!

I am, as always, struggling to keep up to date with you .

btw, my kids are too old (13 and 11) to fall for the 'this is my friend TLOML' malarkey - they will see through that straight away. However, a birthday lunch (though still six weeks away) with friends AND kids AND TLOML may be a solution...

lilac I understand your reticence - my dcs similar age - 14 and 11 and they don't like exh's p.

It's difficult. But birthday lunch sounds a good idea.

lilac.
Just a thought... i remember meeting my dads new partner like that. I think it was done with the best intentions ( just abit older than your DCS are, but with siblings about that age) and tbh, it was rubbish. What we wanted was to be treated like adults and told that ' this is my girlfriend/boyfriend' and a bit about them, and to ask questions. A low key thing at home, just him, you and them, and then his dcs maybe the next time??? Its just that it might be a lot for them to process, and if they are with a huge group of people they might not feel they can react the way they want to, or ask questions.. does that make any sense?

Flame - i think you want him because you know you shouldnt. Please dont take any offence by this at all, as noone is meant. but it seems that most ( and i dont mean all) people tend to go on a bit of a mad one for maybe about 12-18 months post marriage breakup - and seek out the total opposite of what they want, or really what they had/ or should want. Just because. Ive seen it lots and lots of times. and i did the same, even though i swore blind at the time i wasnt. i hindsite, i was.
I think its perfectly normal behaviour, and probably part of a healing process that has to happen.

sponge - did you go to work today, and how are you

beautician - how did the interview go?

snape - any dates? or ANYONE of any interest?

lvoely message on ok cupid said ' plse lemme fuck u sum time'
i replied. oh, yes. please.

idiot replied, thinking i was serious with, give me your number, any time, any place i can be there...

muppet

did i already say i have a date on sunday?
also talking to someone else who seems nice on pof, but its been just over a week and hes not asked me out yet. so, probably unlikely too.
Sort of cant be that bothered. am feeling rather happy and ok with my single status right now.

lmao @ please lemme fuck u sumtime :o

You're completely right and no offence taken . I swear it is teen rebellion that I never did. Fun though innit? :o

Lilac - It is only complicated because I overthink it all

My mum was open about her relationship with her DP from the start, but we had a very much friendship from the time my dad left rather than the traditional mother/daughter thing. I was 11, she was working part time in a shop (as well as her normal job) to make ends meet and from the time he started coming in and wooing her she was telling us about him.

My sister did not take it well, but she openly admits that it would have been the same in any situation - she can't handle change. I thought it was great though - it sort of got me past the whole "maybe they will get back together" feelings, and I could see my mum so happy.

I have no idea what will happen when I get someone proper. They met Carrot earlier than I intended, but that was because it was clear he was going to be around for a long time regardless of his title. I have broached the subject of mummy getting a boyfriend etc every now and then, so they have the idea floating around. I have no idea how they would react to another man sleeping here though. Carrot they wouldn't bat an eyelid at as he is now part of the furniture, but they know he isn't mummy's boyfriend so it wouldn't have the same effect iyswim.

yeah. i think its some kind of rebellion thing. or showing that you can still 'pull' or are attractive, or just seeking out something exciting. That is new, and fun and just everything that your ( and i dont mean yours personally, just in general) marriage, at the end wasnt.
Like i said, ive seen so many women do it. And im convinced its just a process. Just be careful, and with that, i mean emotionally too. And im sure one day, you will just decide you wont want that anymore and are happy single, or want something a bit less, dramatic, angsty, complicatated etc.. etc..

lilac, I do think that the older your children are, the more difficult it can be - I know that if mine were under 8, it would be much easier to intro a new partner (in the unlikely event I ever found one) than it would be now they are 9 and 12. Agree you cant do the this is a friend thing!

Do you know why they were so upset by the idea of meeting your Exh's new partner? Was it because they were still hoping you and he would get back together, be a family etc, or was it that they feared he would have less time for them?

I know that with Exp's new gf, the boys had no objection to her per se, but they didn't get on with her children from day 1, and resented feeling they were forced to be friends with them to keep Exp and gf happy.
That was the real issue there, and why they grew to resent and dislike her.

I do think that even if your DDs initial reaction isn't great, you def do need to get relationship with TLOML out in the open - agree birthday lunch could work well.

Beaut, am sending good luck vibes to you in your interview. Hope its going well :)

Elasta, good news re date! Have you arranged date no 2 yet?

I've spent most of today in bed asleep Am glad I didn't go into work. Think I did need the break.

tookool, feeling a bit better I think. But to be expected after ridiculous amounts of sleep today! How are you feeling about your hair now? I think it looks lovely btw even if it is darker than previously :)

flame, if its any consolation I'm only ever attracted to men who either don't want me, show next to no interest in me, or who are unavailable. Am hoping I might grow out of it eventually!

sponge, glad you're feeling better. SOunds like you really needed the day off.

I think maybe a day out eg Thorpe Park would work for the girls to meet TLOML. It's not really an issue re his DD as she's only 2 and lives 250 miles away. She will never be a regular part of their lives, although I hope we manage to do family holidays etc where she is included. In my mind, there are five of us, which is me, him, my DDs and his DD. My DD2 is great with the little ones that her childminder looks after so hopefully that's a good sign.

I think the main reason they were so resistant to exH's gf was that he told them way too soon. We only moved out three months earlier and with DD1 at boarding school she hadn't been around much to get used to the new arrangements. ALso they were on holiday with him at the time and I think his motivation was that he could phone her freely if the girls knew of her existence and apparently he was on the phone to her a large part of every day that they were away.

Thanks for all your ideas and experiences, it's been really helpful thinking this through with you all chipping in!

bit off topic but would like someone's views on this - don't really want to dredge up the past but was talking to someone about this over the weekend -when I met my exh he said he didn't really want dcs - our relationship went very well and we went on holiday after about 18 months - had a brilliant time and when we got back he asked me to move in with him.

I had my own flat and he had his and we had both lived with people before (him two or three). So we went out to talk about it and I said I didn't want to live together but wanted to get married. And that he knew I always wanted dcs and so if he really didn't want them then it couldn't go further. But no he said he wanted to get married and also willing to have dcs. So we did.

Does that sound like I bullied him or coerced him - he was a grown man with I hope a mind of his own. He did tend to throw it back in my face whilst we were married.

And has now gone on to have two more dcs with his current p.

I had never looked at it in this way before. I just thought that I was being assertive - it was a high risk strategy but at that time I thought it was the right one.

Help! (again)

After all the malarki with 'nice guy', I think I've gone completely bonkers... have I gone mad by making a massive deal of his crappy choice of low-key pub?
Anyway, haven't heard from him since Thursday so have typed up text "Before the moment passes us by, shall we have a drink together tmrw evening?" The problem is that I don't think I can't take a 'no'. It sounds stupid but I think it'd do even more harm than feeling that maybe I did overreact and should have just gone along to crappy pub after all. Anyway, what do I do?

Stella, id send the text, but I would have also gone to the crappy pub, and then would have paid for a round or two. I'm not, and never have been comftable with men paying for it all. Or the whole ' date' concept. Feels a bit 1950's to me. I'd much rather something casusk and low key.. far less pressure and more realxed.

Though I can understand that sometimes we all feel like we are important enough for someone to make an effort for..... but maybe a drink in a crappy pub could lead to something nicer on the second date :)

scl hardly, you were honest about what you wanted, nowt wrong with that
and he agreed
just sounds like he likes to avoid responsibility for his own decisions
stella, what tookool said

thanks ninah

thank you tookool!

i actually sent the text before i read your reply and he answered back straight away. i think a lot of it is driven by insecurity (mine!)... and i did feel that he wasn't making an effort. this time though he's taken control of the situation and i've made a point of lighten up (much needed!!!). He's just such a lovely, lovely man that i was finding it hard to accept that it was all just game-playing. date tmrw evening and we've made a deal that neither of us is allowed to cancel or postpone :)

stella, hope it goes well tomorrow!

scl, I agree with ninah. I think from what you've said of Exh before it suits him to avoid responsibility for his decisions, dont let that affect you. I think saying what you want, and being honest about it, is a really strong thing to do. you should be proud of it! I know I've never been honest in the past about what I wanted, and that's something I'm really going to try to do in future relationships.

scl - now that ds is already 12, the roles are inverted and i do make a point of saying from very early on that i do not want any more children. it's important to me and it's up to the other person to be an adult about it and make their mind up, which is what your exh did - he had a choice and he made his decision! fair play to you for standing your ground though!!! my closest friend told her partner (of 9 years now) that she wanted children, he kept putting it off, she gave him a deadline... which expired 2 years ago. I don't bring it up as it's highly sensitive subject but I gather she's just chosen to accept it - or perhaps has come to the conclusion that the relationship is more important...

thank you sponge!

soooo... who's shredding at the moment? i'm very intrigued as i had never heard of it until i read about about it here!!! swear by davina though :)

Elasta Ooh whens the next date?

Aurora Whats up?Hope you are ok.

Flame You sure attract the drama.I love reading all your updates.Although i'm not always sure what to suggest as i get confused as to what your feelings are for the men in your life.I don't mean anything by that other than the fact that i'm a bit of a bimbo and get lost easily.

Lilac the birthday lunch sounds likea great idea.

Sponge Glad you took the day off you obviously needed the sleep.Thanks for the good vibes re interview.

Stella Hope the date goes well glad you sent the text.

Scl You were quite clear about what you wanted and he always had the option to walk away so i don't see a problem at all.

Thank you all for wishing me good luck with the interview.It was a group interview and i think it went really well.I will either get a call back in the week for 2nd interview or a rejection letter.

Stella I'm shredding its day 4 for me i have to say that i am struggling.My whole body hurts even my back which makes me wonder if im doing something wrong.However after only 4 days i think i see a difference my arms look rather toned.But maybe its my imagination.

Lol my feelings change by the minute

There is now Agent added to the mix. He is very pretty. I think he is appealing to my sex drive more than my head . May be having a drink with him tomorrow.

Flame You sound frustrated definitely go for the drink not that i'm suggesting anything of course but you never know