Help please! Feeling lost in suburbs, unsure whether to move to London with 5 & 3 year olds

[Elizabeth0712]

Hi everyone, this is my 1st time posting here & I’m hoping for some guidance, advice. I’m feeling lost at the moment as to what to do.

I grew up in a suburban outskirt of London, the home counties, then moved to London (zone 1) in my 20s, lived there for 10 years & then did the sensible thing & returned to the suburbs (zone 7) when DD was 6 months old with DH.

We have a grear house which we’ve invested lots in (new kitchen extension, bathroom,etc) we've got a great garden, the house is everything we could want. DD is now 5 & goes to a really sweet local school in walking distance which she walks to with me & the neighbours kids & their parents most days, we now have another DD 3 who goes to a loving local nursery. We have family all close by BUT… every single day for the last 5 years since moving all I’ve thought about is how I want to go back to London.

I just cannot get on with the suburbs & feel like an alien here. I have friends & family all close by, friends are old friends from school, have my sisters & parents within 10 min drive all who I’m close with. But I just can’t shake it. Most weekends I feel so down & depressed living in this area apart from if we get the train into London (approx 1 hour). Can’t drag kids there every weekend. Weekdays aren't so depressing because I’m usually busy.

A big part of me is saying move back into London but feel so guilty up-routing the kids, also schools, family friendly areas, I’d struggle to know where to start. It’s just this constant niggle at me & this horrible feeling like I made the biggest mistake leaving London in the first place. I totally understand this is first world problems & we’re lucky to have a roof over our heads & two healthy children.

I’m just wondering what other people would do, I’m thinking also if we did take the plunge & move it would have to be 100% right because we couldn’t do it to the kids again. DH has said he is happy to move if everything feels right/makes sense…

I just feel so lost! I am a city girl at heart & want my kids to benefit from the city too. I know being on the outskirts sounds close but for anyone living in the home counties you know its totally different, the mentality, everything!

I’ve been following some old threads of people with kids & pre teens in London and mixed reviews but mostly seem quite positive. (Although maybe I’m just picking out the bits I like!).

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

You've sort of gone back to your childhood, in that it's the same place you grew up and all your friends are the same as when you were a kid - and your family are all ten mins away from you! I think I would find that suffocating and be looking for a way to escape too. I don't miss London now and I was there for fifteen years in my twenties and thirties but I think I would if I'd moved back to my hometown rather than built a separate life elsewhere with new people. Do you think that's maybe a factor in how
You're feeling?

I wouldn't move back though, London isn't the same experience with kids (or wasn't for me) - couldn't go out to nice restaurants/bars and enjoy the life we had before and didn't have the spare money after paying London prices for housing and for nursery. If you have a very generous budget and can afford a big enough house in a nice area with decent schools, that's a different prospect though.

Did you like growing up there

city life is amazing for a certain age but it sounds as if your children are happy and settled and what would you do about a hooks

and would moving solve it

Suffocating is 100% the right word. I feel like I’m struggling to breathe here if that makes sense.
I hate driving down the same roads I drove down when I was a teenager. Seeing some of the same faces & bumping into people I really don’t want to for a polite chit chat who haven’t changed at all! But it’s not just that & if it was I guess I could try & make the effort to get over that & see the positives.

I love London because it is the place I feel most at home if that makes sense. But I have no idea what it’s like to bring a child up there! That’s the unknown scary prospect but then also I’ve seen lots of positive comments on here too.

I don’t think I did like growing up here tbh. As a child it was nice but as a teenager it was very boring which led to getting into trouble. Seems better for teenagers now maybe though but can’t be sure.

Have you looked at the financial side? Can you afford a house in a nice area of London with good schools?

I brought my kids up in London and for us it was a great decision- so much to do, great schools, feeling in the middle of things. Like you, I wouldn't enjoy the suburbs. But it comes down to money- can you afford to live in an area you like, close to a school you like (with places), in a flat or house that meets your needs?

I'd start researching seriously, starting with school places for your 5yo. get on the council websites or on the phone and find the good schools that could take a child outside of normal admissions. Then research housing, and take it from there, working out what you can afford and whether you'd be happy with that.

Where abouts in London do you think you would live?
How do you imagine your life would be different?
How do you imagine life would be for your DCs if you moved now? How about their lives in 5 years time? 10 years time?
How would the extra costs of living in London impact your/their lives - holidays, clubs etc?

I'm grew up in Zone 5 and now live on the border of Zone 1/2 (in a very residential area). I'd lived here about 10 years pre-kids and now have a 3.5 year old. I'd never move. DS' school (hopefully) is at the end of our road, we have a tube stop about 3 mins walk away as well as a massive park with a fantastic playground. I love that we can hop on the tube and be at a museum or the river or whatever in 15 mins. I still get to go out to bars and restaurants with friends or colleagues and it makes such a difference to be home in 20 mins after a night out (especially when you know you'll be up early with a small child!)

My DH and I had a massive discussion about this. We were living in zone 1/2 and he felt suffocated. The thought of living in the suburbs or the country (where I grew up ) made me feel sick. We opted for zone 2/3 and it's fab.
Great schools, really multi cultural, lots of green spaces but still only 15 mins to Charing Cross.
My kids are 10 and 12 and we are in and out of the west end all the time.

What things are you taking the children into London to do? Museums? Theatre (I would have thought they are a bit young for regular theatre trips)?
What is on offer where you live? Museums, Leisure centres, cinemas, parks etc are everywhere and as you drive your world can be even bigger - weekend trips to the seaside, wildlife parks, country parks etc.
Or is going into London more for you - bars, restaurants, shopping, exhibitions?
Again plenty of those outside London.

Thanks for your reply. So at the moment we have a semi detached house with a drive, large garden. In London we would first up lose drive (fine hoping to not use car much), garden would be lots smaller, lose a bedroom maybe: everything would be smaller but the benefits of having more amenities, parks, culture, shops on doorstep outweighs that for me.

Areas we would look at would probs be north London so getting back to zone 7 Hertfordshire would be not too bad. I’ve had a look round Stroud Green area. It’s not somewhere I particularly know! We lived in SE1 before but not sure it’s the right place for the kids, thinking more leafy north London however understand that’s sought after price and demand wise.

I think I need to get seriously stuck into masses amount of research

In London we would first up lose drive (fine hoping to not use car much), garden would be lots smaller, lose a bedroom maybe: everything would be smaller but the benefits of having more amenities, parks, culture, shops on doorstep outweighs that for me.

This all sounds doable. I think your big issue is doing an in-year admission for your older DD. So many schools are full and you don't want her to be bussing her miles away to the one primary no one else wanted to go to. It would be a good idea to get a list of schools that you'd be happy with and phone them up to ask about in-year places.

SE1 is great with kids if you're happy to live in a flat. My DB and SIL and their daughter live in SE1 and it's brilliant to be able to walk to Tate, the river, amazing pubs, the Southbank etc. I don't know about primary schools but they have a great nursery just on (or maybe just off) The Cut.

is this ‘London’ = anonymity and an independent life.

Do you mind me asking where abouts in zone2/3, this all sounds positive to me.

I think at the moment you are comparing your current situation with a mythical place. I’d do all the work around moving back…where would we move to, what would our budget allow us to buy and what lifestyle could we afford. Then you can properly do and pros and cons list of staying where you are versus moving.

Have a look at what you could afford in places like Crouch End, Muswell Hill, Totteridge, High Barnet, Finchley- that might be a starting point. That way you might get a bit of both- still very family areas with life but quicker into London. Personally I think this is a bit of pining for a life you probably won't be having. I miss aspects of living in London too but realised when my son was older that it was no longer going to be 1 o clock clubs and lots of play dates because many had moved away- other possibilities are living somewhere like St Albans , Twickenham or Bromley etc- only 20 minutes in on train . I don't know where you live but an hour is an awful way out of you want to be in London a lot. When we lived in st albans , I was often in several times a week for stuff . Seriously have a think about what it is you are missing and whether you would actually be doing that if you lived closer in-

Yes that is a massive pull, but that is just one reason of many. I can get over bumping into an old unsavoury ''mate'' who hasn't changed a bit! But it's more about the opportunities and life in London

Why not do some serious research like look at house prices, what you can afford etc., and then go and spend some weekends in different areas to really get a feel for them, especially at night from safety perspective, and research local schools. Then you can make an informed decision.

This resonates, we did the same move out, never really felt settled for all of the reasons you describe. When DC1 was a baby we had the opportunity to move abroad and jumped at it. When we came back to the UK 3 years later we both thought that we just couldn’t move back there. So sold the house and now live somewhere a bit smaller in zone 2 (SW though). It’s been 2.5 years and we haven’t regretted for a second.

We live in Rickmansworth so there are great links into London but whatever way you do it is still a trek and is not the same as living in London. Crouch End I've been looking at, thanks for all the suggestions.

I am conscious it could be a grass is greener secnario. Lots to think about x

This sounds like a perfect compromise!

We use the Charing Cross line quite a bit but we're further out in zone 4/5 but still pretty quick to get into central London!

We live in suburbia but still fairly easy access to attractions in central London

Also not far to drive in the car to get to the Kent countryside

Are you able to afford to buy a flat in a cheaper part of London to use during weekends and school holidays? it would give you the best of both worlds and you wouldn't have to worry about school catchments.

Do it! We have similar aged children and live in zone 3, ten mins train to London Brisge, 15mins to Charing Cross. We moved here 18m ago having lived on the border of zone 1/2. We absolutely love it - parks, good schools, cool shops, easy to jump on a train to London for the museums, Britannia leisure centre, interesting exhibitions etc. if I have no plans and both children for the day we head to the Southbank and just potter about with a packed lunch and maybe pop in somewhere for an ice cream or coffee. Our neighbours are lovely and we feel part of a diverse community. Our house is a large 3 bed with parking, big garden, three reception rooms, 2 bathrooms, and we hope to do the loft at some point to make it a 5 bed. I would never leave London!