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Original poster

Help please! Feeling lost in suburbs, unsure whether to move to London with 5 & 3 year olds

101 replies

Elizabeth0712 · 12/04/2023 10:16

Hi everyone, this is my 1st time posting here & I’m hoping for some guidance, advice. I’m feeling lost at the moment as to what to do.

I grew up in a suburban outskirt of London, the home counties, then moved to London (zone 1) in my 20s, lived there for 10 years & then did the sensible thing & returned to the suburbs (zone 7) when DD was 6 months old with DH.

We have a grear house which we’ve invested lots in (new kitchen extension, bathroom,etc) we've got a great garden, the house is everything we could want. DD is now 5 & goes to a really sweet local school in walking distance which she walks to with me & the neighbours kids & their parents most days, we now have another DD 3 who goes to a loving local nursery. We have family all close by BUT… every single day for the last 5 years since moving all I’ve thought about is how I want to go back to London.

I just cannot get on with the suburbs & feel like an alien here. I have friends & family all close by, friends are old friends from school, have my sisters & parents within 10 min drive all who I’m close with. But I just can’t shake it. Most weekends I feel so down & depressed living in this area apart from if we get the train into London (approx 1 hour). Can’t drag kids there every weekend. Weekdays aren't so depressing because I’m usually busy.

A big part of me is saying move back into London but feel so guilty up-routing the kids, also schools, family friendly areas, I’d struggle to know where to start. It’s just this constant niggle at me & this horrible feeling like I made the biggest mistake leaving London in the first place. I totally understand this is first world problems & we’re lucky to have a roof over our heads & two healthy children.

I’m just wondering what other people would do, I’m thinking also if we did take the plunge & move it would have to be 100% right because we couldn’t do it to the kids again. DH has said he is happy to move if everything feels right/makes sense…

I just feel so lost! I am a city girl at heart & want my kids to benefit from the city too. I know being on the outskirts sounds close but for anyone living in the home counties you know its totally different, the mentality, everything!

I’ve been following some old threads of people with kids & pre teens in London and mixed reviews but mostly seem quite positive. (Although maybe I’m just picking out the bits I like!).

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
absolutelyknackeredcow · 12/04/2023 16:24

We are also in SE London. Secondaries are good if you have girls

CurrentHun · 12/04/2023 16:45

OP you’re not wrong to want what you want but is it ‘London’ as in independence, anonymity, freedom, being child free that you miss? London is lots of different villages really. There isn’t necessarily a ‘London’ and it seems that you are not even sure where you want to live if you lived there. Maybe worth unpicking what it means to you.

I don’t know Rickmansworth but you definitely won’t be the only ex-inner Londoner living there. Have a poke around on social media and see what local groups you have to join where you are. You will likely meet more like minded friends locally to you.

A comfortable house with a good school and family support within an hour of London sounds like a pretty fantastic set up if you can make it work. And if you can’t make it work where you are and if you have the money, move into London and don’t feel bad about wanting that. Neither are bad options.

Marinapeppina · 12/04/2023 20:49

Yeah if you’re back in your home town and not working I would feel adrift too! Concentrate on getting something for yourself, a job, local friends, hobbies etc, and then reevaluate

mondaytosunday · 12/04/2023 20:52

I've just moved back to London after ten years out (my husband passed away and I needed a fresh start). My kids were 6 and 8 when I moved and it was a big adjustment for them, though they had a couple days at their new school before we moved - but yours are younger.
Anyway I love London and as my kids got older just couldn't see my life continuing where I was. I left most of my friends and I have much less social life now but I'm happier here. My daughter started at a new school for sixth form which was an adjustment (a tube ride instead of a five minute walk) but she's grown up a lot in the last year.
So, if your partner agrees go for it. London is special - there's a reason it's so loved.

Original poster
Elizabeth0712 · 13/04/2023 06:51

Thanks everyone for all your comments. I really do need to sit down and work this all out with DH & figure out where we see ourselves in the next 7-10 years.

The mentions of missing child free life & mourning that. Point taken but that isn’t it. I won’t be at bars most nights, I’m not now (& wasnt pre kids tbh!) & that isn’t what I’m looking for.

the comments about a different area, eg St Albans are great points. Not sure those areas will solve it for me but they’re great ideas & an avenue I will definitely look at. xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Elizabeth0712 · 13/04/2023 06:52

mondaytosunday · 12/04/2023 20:52

I've just moved back to London after ten years out (my husband passed away and I needed a fresh start). My kids were 6 and 8 when I moved and it was a big adjustment for them, though they had a couple days at their new school before we moved - but yours are younger.
Anyway I love London and as my kids got older just couldn't see my life continuing where I was. I left most of my friends and I have much less social life now but I'm happier here. My daughter started at a new school for sixth form which was an adjustment (a tube ride instead of a five minute walk) but she's grown up a lot in the last year.
So, if your partner agrees go for it. London is special - there's a reason it's so loved.

So sorry for the loss of your husband. I’m glad to hear your children are settled now & sounds like it was a positive move for you all:
can I ask what area you decided on?
x

OP posts:
Original poster
Elizabeth0712 · 13/04/2023 06:53

Marinapeppina · 12/04/2023 20:49

Yeah if you’re back in your home town and not working I would feel adrift too! Concentrate on getting something for yourself, a job, local friends, hobbies etc, and then reevaluate

Very good point. Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Elizabeth0712 · 13/04/2023 06:55

Marinapeppina · 12/04/2023 11:54

Do you have a job and friends you like in the new area? There's upsides and downsides to living in both places for the kids so I wouldn't worry about that too much, neither the suburbs or city are 'better', they're just different. If I moved back to where I grew up I'd feel the loss of my independent sense of self hugely, that's comprised of the job I have in London and the friends I've made up here and all the things I like to do in my free time in London. Do you feel like you've lost that?

Definitely feel like I’ve lost a sense of identity.
I’m at a bit of a cross roads generally too I think which is making it all the more confusing! But this area is truly getting me down & I do really struggle with it

OP posts:
Original poster
Elizabeth0712 · 13/04/2023 06:57

Crikeyalmighty · 12/04/2023 13:32

Something like this might suit @Elizabeth0712 ? Crouch End has lots of great maisonettes which might suit if you can't run to a house, and I think would give you the shops and the 'vibe' you are after. (I do understand that) Only downer is not on tube but very regular bus to Finsbury Park tube or train on crouch hill. My son was born there. This isa nice example and not small- I think you have to be on the same hymn sheet as your partner though and know in your mind it's more of a move at this stage for yourselves than the children - although your kids may well appreciate it more when older.

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/130828547#/?channel=RES_BUY

Thanks so much for this. That’s super helpful & the sort of area we’d be looking at. It does have a lot of space you’re right. Think DH would want a house but I even wonder if we try and see if we can do some sort of house swap/rent/Airbnb for a while to suss it all out. Maybe in summer hols

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 13/04/2023 07:15

Ideally you'd move inwards to the areas of zone 3 along the " line" from rickmansworth to central london.

But that takes you to wembley 😬

What about ealing ot hanwell?

Original poster
Elizabeth0712 · 13/04/2023 07:47

Totalwasteofpaper · 13/04/2023 07:15

Ideally you'd move inwards to the areas of zone 3 along the " line" from rickmansworth to central london.

But that takes you to wembley 😬

What about ealing ot hanwell?

Yep not sure on Wembley 😬, I do not know much about Hanwell. Ealing do hear lots of good things. I was thinking more Finsbury Park way. Need to suss out what that journey back to my parents would be like & schools etc

OP posts:
LivesinLondon2000 · 13/04/2023 08:52

I have quite a few friends in Ealing & Hanwell.
Ealing schools are great and transport links excellent too so worth checking out I think.
Also the birth rate has dropped in London as previous posters mentioned so it’s not as much of a scramble for school places as it used to be

kirinm · 13/04/2023 09:10

I would say don't worry too much about uprooting the kids from schools / nurseries. There is a mass exodus of people leaving London whilst kids are in primary so there is always a lot of change.

I've only lived in London for 10 years although was in a city before, but can't imagine living elsewhere and certainly not in the suburbs. If we did ever move out it would be to another city. But I do love where we live. The lack of support with childcare is a killer though.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Original poster
Elizabeth0712 · 13/04/2023 09:59

kirinm · 13/04/2023 09:10

I would say don't worry too much about uprooting the kids from schools / nurseries. There is a mass exodus of people leaving London whilst kids are in primary so there is always a lot of change.

I've only lived in London for 10 years although was in a city before, but can't imagine living elsewhere and certainly not in the suburbs. If we did ever move out it would be to another city. But I do love where we live. The lack of support with childcare is a killer though.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Definitely worried about lack of child care.
Can I ask what part of London you’re in and how you’ve found it with children? Schools etc?

thanks
x

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 13/04/2023 10:23

@Elizabeth0712 Yep I sent it to show you don't have to live in a dump at all, but that their might need to be compromises. A great maisonette in a good area over a grotty house in a notcquite so good area is one example - another area you could look that's in that area but a bit cheaper is the Haringey ladder - mainly houses , quite urban but very handy for Crouch End and on the train

Almahart · 13/04/2023 10:45

I'd move. Five years is a long time to be feeling like that. If you can afford zone 2/3 borders that does feel quite different I think.

kirinm · 13/04/2023 11:35

@Elizabeth0712 SE London close to Peckham / East Dulwich. We have great primaries by us but a lot of kids do on to private schools for secondary. I'm not sure what we will do.

I like that we are so close to the city but that we can walk down the street and bump into multiple people we know too.

We also absolutely loved our DD's nursery too. I think we are the wrong side of the river for you!

Forever42 · 13/04/2023 11:41

Personally I think it sounds foolish. You have a lovely house and garden, close to family (if parents you might want to be closer to then as they get older), happy and settled children. You live close enough to London to visit regularly. I wouldn't change all this for a mythical "grass is greener" scenario. You could uproot everyone and then find it was the pre-children part of your life that you miss. You might get fed up with the loss of space or struggle to get a place at a nice school.

Original poster
Elizabeth0712 · 13/04/2023 17:59

kirinm · 13/04/2023 11:35

@Elizabeth0712 SE London close to Peckham / East Dulwich. We have great primaries by us but a lot of kids do on to private schools for secondary. I'm not sure what we will do.

I like that we are so close to the city but that we can walk down the street and bump into multiple people we know too.

We also absolutely loved our DD's nursery too. I think we are the wrong side of the river for you!

Love Peckham& Dulwich. I used to have a shop in Brixton & lived in Borough so know Peckham & Dulwich quite well. Just worried I can’t nip back to see my folks in Rickmansworth but I’m definitely going to throw it into the ring when discussing with DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elizabeth0712 · 13/04/2023 18:03

Forever42 · 13/04/2023 11:41

Personally I think it sounds foolish. You have a lovely house and garden, close to family (if parents you might want to be closer to then as they get older), happy and settled children. You live close enough to London to visit regularly. I wouldn't change all this for a mythical "grass is greener" scenario. You could uproot everyone and then find it was the pre-children part of your life that you miss. You might get fed up with the loss of space or struggle to get a place at a nice school.

This is the fear 😩😩😩. Interesting hearing everyone’s perspectives & super helpful that there’s a balance of differing opinions too as I really want people to be brutal & realistic too. I am definitely someone who follows my heart rather than my head 😬. But as we all know with kids it’s got to be sensible decisions now 😬.

I’ve definitely got a lot to think about & discuss with DH.

easter holidays nearly done. (Probs make me ponder a lot more) Looking forward to kids being back so I can focus on this all & either put it to bed or have some serious discussions.

thanks for your comment x

OP posts:
Needmorelego · 13/04/2023 18:54

@Elizabeth0712 you need to be careful moving if you think of moving back to the Lambeth/Southwark area.
Primary schools are being closed down or merged due to lack of pupils which will have ban affect on secondary schools in a decade. This could have an impact on choice and places in a few years time. Facilities are being closed or not maintained - Crystal Palace Sports Centre is practically being left to rot.
The Dulwich area has a lot of traffic and a lot of traffic conditions - like not being able to drive down certain roads at certain times - which means traffic gets all pushed into certain roads meaning more pollution and takes ages to get anywhere. Southern trains are a bit crap.
I personally wouldn't purposely move to that area.

kirinm · 13/04/2023 19:10

@Elizabeth0712 ooh we lived in Brixton for a year. Loved it. Didn't have a child then though so don't know anything about schools or childcare.

jamsandwich1 · 13/04/2023 19:17

I live in zone 1 with my 2yo and 4yo. We are in a small 2 bed so really should move but I just love where we live so much, it is my home. We’ve been here 13 years and I’m happy here. We’re looking at places in zone 2 and I feel a bit sad about it. If you’re not happy, your children are still young. Look at what you’d get for your money though, I think I’d find it hard to downgrade the space.

proppy · 13/04/2023 21:22

Primary schools are being closed down or merged due to lack of pupils which will have ban affect on secondary schools in a decade. This could have an impact on choice and places in a few years time.

This is a really important point as school funding is based on headcount's. I think the desired secondaries will become even more sought after.

Twizbe · 13/04/2023 21:39

I live on the zone 3/4 boarder in SE London and love it.

I grew up outside London and while that town is lovely, I see returning there as a type of failure.

We have a 6 and 4 year old and our area is super family friendly. There's loads going on in the community. There's a bit of an edge to the area and we're only 20 mins to central London. Lots of train lines to pick from as well.