Help please! Feeling lost in suburbs, unsure whether to move to London with 5 & 3 year olds

[Elizabeth0712]

Hi everyone, this is my 1st time posting here & I’m hoping for some guidance, advice. I’m feeling lost at the moment as to what to do.

I grew up in a suburban outskirt of London, the home counties, then moved to London (zone 1) in my 20s, lived there for 10 years & then did the sensible thing & returned to the suburbs (zone 7) when DD was 6 months old with DH.

We have a grear house which we’ve invested lots in (new kitchen extension, bathroom,etc) we've got a great garden, the house is everything we could want. DD is now 5 & goes to a really sweet local school in walking distance which she walks to with me & the neighbours kids & their parents most days, we now have another DD 3 who goes to a loving local nursery. We have family all close by BUT… every single day for the last 5 years since moving all I’ve thought about is how I want to go back to London.

I just cannot get on with the suburbs & feel like an alien here. I have friends & family all close by, friends are old friends from school, have my sisters & parents within 10 min drive all who I’m close with. But I just can’t shake it. Most weekends I feel so down & depressed living in this area apart from if we get the train into London (approx 1 hour). Can’t drag kids there every weekend. Weekdays aren't so depressing because I’m usually busy.

A big part of me is saying move back into London but feel so guilty up-routing the kids, also schools, family friendly areas, I’d struggle to know where to start. It’s just this constant niggle at me & this horrible feeling like I made the biggest mistake leaving London in the first place. I totally understand this is first world problems & we’re lucky to have a roof over our heads & two healthy children.

I’m just wondering what other people would do, I’m thinking also if we did take the plunge & move it would have to be 100% right because we couldn’t do it to the kids again. DH has said he is happy to move if everything feels right/makes sense…

I just feel so lost! I am a city girl at heart & want my kids to benefit from the city too. I know being on the outskirts sounds close but for anyone living in the home counties you know its totally different, the mentality, everything!

I’ve been following some old threads of people with kids & pre teens in London and mixed reviews but mostly seem quite positive. (Although maybe I’m just picking out the bits I like!).

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Are you just missing your life pre children? You can have a good look at what you can afford at where you want to live. I moved here in my 20s and have children here. I lead a very different life now from my 20s.

Just checked- we're 26 minutes to Charing Cross in the train

We live in a 2 bed ground floor split level maisonette but are going back on the market soon as we want the classic 3 bed semi

Looking to move slightly further out
Fully into zone 5
Still on that Charing Cross line

That's far out enough for me!

Space inside the house will be a big one. Babies don’t need much space but teens do.

When you say amenities what is it specifically? I can’t see you get more parks in London but it might be a case because I don’t live in London and I never notice it got more parks then the Home Counties. (I got woods, playgrounds, lakes and cycle ways at my doorstep so I really can’t see London being greener). Culture and shops I don’t know about your kids but mine don’t like shopping. We go to museums or shows. We go to London museums once in a while. Shows we go to the London theatre which west end shows tour can cost much less, and London very occasionally for things like Disney on ice and cirque du soleil). But their weekends are filled with clubs and it’s only the school holidays we go to non club things.

You need to think longer term than baby years.

Thanks for your reply & love your positivity. Can I ask where abouts you are?
how have you found the school? I understand it as being seriously difficult to get the school you want in London, did you find this the case?
also have you thought about secondary schools yet & are they decent ones near by?
sorry lots of questions! X

Do you have a job and friends you like in the new area? There's upsides and downsides to living in both places for the kids so I wouldn't worry about that too much, neither the suburbs or city are 'better', they're just different. If I moved back to where I grew up I'd feel the loss of my independent sense of self hugely, that's comprised of the job I have in London and the friends I've made up here and all the things I like to do in my free time in London. Do you feel like you've lost that?

I’m not working at the moment which really doesn’t help. Having a bit of career change, crisis at the moment so I’m a stay at home mum for the time being. Not ideal & doesn’t really suit me personally. So if I get a job to head into London a few days a week that would massively help for sure. If I go out with friends we often head into London anyway. It’s just not the same as living in London. Even though Rickmansworth has fast links they really aren’t that fast. Really you’re talking an hour door to door to most places.

Something like this might suit @Elizabeth0712 ? Crouch End has lots of great maisonettes which might suit if you can't run to a house, and I think would give you the shops and the 'vibe' you are after. (I do understand that) Only downer is not on tube but very regular bus to Finsbury Park tube or train on crouch hill. My son was born there. This isa nice example and not small- I think you have to be on the same hymn sheet as your partner though and know in your mind it's more of a move at this stage for yourselves than the children - although your kids may well appreciate it more when older.

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/130828547#/?channel=RES_BUY

I live near you OP, we moved out after 12 years in London and love it, we wouldn’t go back for anything. One thing that really stood out to me from your posts though is that you moved back to right where you grew up. DH and I are both from the Home Counties but deliberately didn’t go back to the same area or even county as we grew up. A lot of people assumed we would return to my home village when we said we’re were moving out but I 100% didn’t want that for many of the reasons you have mentioned.

Maybe worth just considering if it is the suburbs you aren’t getting on with or just Ricky specifically? There might be a half way that works.

@TheFlis12345 yes I thought that too , hence why I wondered if somewhere like St Albans might suit the OP more. ? I think the big thing is to think about what it is the OP feels they would gain that they can't do now- albeit with a bit more effort - because I'm pretty sure there would need to be some compromises -

We moved from zone 2 to the outer burbs (zone 6) when we had a baby. I never felt settled. We've now moved slightly further out (m25 belt) to a semi-rural location and I feel much happier there even though I would describe myself as a city girl at heart. I can see ponies and sheep from my bedroom window and run on bridleways rather than pavements. I'm surprised at how much I like it.

Are you sure you're not just mourning your single, childfree life?

Your current set up and support system sounds pretty good to me...

Do you plan to move back to z1 then?

I love London because it is the place I feel most at home if that makes sense. But I have no idea what it’s like to bring a child up there! That’s the unknown scary prospect but then also I’ve seen lots of positive comments on here too.

I'm a born & raised Londoner but grew up in a fairly suburban part of z3, my childhood was pretty standard

Are you sure you are not also mourning the loss of your life pre dc? Babies are relatively easy but once they start school/activities/play dates you are pretty tied to their routines.

This all sounds doable. I think your big issue is doing an in-year admission for your older DD. So many schools are full and you don't want her to be bussing her miles away to the one primary no one else wanted to go to. It would be a good idea to get a list of schools that you'd be happy with and phone them up to ask about in-year places.

London birth rates have dropped dramatically, lots of very popular primaries have spaces now.

@Elizabeth0712 you need to think about secondary schools as that why many move out

I'm in SW z3 and always allow 45mins to get into town.

Even though Rickmansworth has fast links they really aren’t that fast. Really you’re talking an hour door to door to most places.

Lots of places in z3,4,5 will be similar

Like you we moved back to where we grew up and I really dislike it. I didn’t enjoy growing up here and really the move was governed by having something of a support network (we have kids with special needs). If I had to go back, I wouldn’t move.

What does your DH think about it?

I think you should be cautious about using moving house to solve a general problem of boredom/purposelessness. My suggestion would be to invest time in working out what a change would really be like. Rent an Airbnb (ideally one similar to the sort of house you’d be able to afford) for a few weeks in the place you’d want to live. While there, try to practice the logistics of getting to school/work, seeing friends, going out. I did this a while ago and realised that a lot of the benefits of the new place had been exaggerated in my head.

I live in London and have brought my DC up here. We thought about moving out for a bigger house & garden but the suburbs do seem a bit quiet & lonely when you’re used to bustle, having neighbours & friends close by etc.
My DC have always walked to school, we know lots of people and love the community feel in our little patch of London etc. And overall I am happy we stayed put.

But reading your post I wonder if it’s as much the adjustment to having small children that’s the issue. You say weekdays are better as you’re busy. I always found weekends a bit strange when my DC were that age too. It’s before they start joining sports clubs etc so you have to make quite an effort to entertain them on weekends. Maybe when they’re older and more settled in your local community it will be different? For me now with preteen/teens weekends are just so busy and are a flurry of sports matches, birthday parties, sleepovers etc
Not to mention my own hobbies - which I finally have time for now my DC are a bit older.

I also think it's handy to have family close

I'm Zone 2 SE and it's a 10 min journey to LB but can take the best part of 40 mins to get into that west end. Not far off your hour.

In reply to your questions - we're in SE London, so the wrong side for you. Schools here are not generally oversubscribed and we're v happy with the local Primary school. Secondary may be trickier.

OP, I’d think really seriously about moving away from your support network. We live with DC in London but would give my right arm for the sort of family/friends set up you describe. It’s very hard with no support.