Help please! Feeling lost in suburbs, unsure whether to move to London with 5 & 3 year olds

[Elizabeth0712]

Hi everyone, this is my 1st time posting here & I’m hoping for some guidance, advice. I’m feeling lost at the moment as to what to do.

I grew up in a suburban outskirt of London, the home counties, then moved to London (zone 1) in my 20s, lived there for 10 years & then did the sensible thing & returned to the suburbs (zone 7) when DD was 6 months old with DH.

We have a grear house which we’ve invested lots in (new kitchen extension, bathroom,etc) we've got a great garden, the house is everything we could want. DD is now 5 & goes to a really sweet local school in walking distance which she walks to with me & the neighbours kids & their parents most days, we now have another DD 3 who goes to a loving local nursery. We have family all close by BUT… every single day for the last 5 years since moving all I’ve thought about is how I want to go back to London.

I just cannot get on with the suburbs & feel like an alien here. I have friends & family all close by, friends are old friends from school, have my sisters & parents within 10 min drive all who I’m close with. But I just can’t shake it. Most weekends I feel so down & depressed living in this area apart from if we get the train into London (approx 1 hour). Can’t drag kids there every weekend. Weekdays aren't so depressing because I’m usually busy.

A big part of me is saying move back into London but feel so guilty up-routing the kids, also schools, family friendly areas, I’d struggle to know where to start. It’s just this constant niggle at me & this horrible feeling like I made the biggest mistake leaving London in the first place. I totally understand this is first world problems & we’re lucky to have a roof over our heads & two healthy children.

I’m just wondering what other people would do, I’m thinking also if we did take the plunge & move it would have to be 100% right because we couldn’t do it to the kids again. DH has said he is happy to move if everything feels right/makes sense…

I just feel so lost! I am a city girl at heart & want my kids to benefit from the city too. I know being on the outskirts sounds close but for anyone living in the home counties you know its totally different, the mentality, everything!

I’ve been following some old threads of people with kids & pre teens in London and mixed reviews but mostly seem quite positive. (Although maybe I’m just picking out the bits I like!).

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for commenting. Can I ask what area this is please? X

Sure we live in Sydenham / Penge area. Both are still quite affordable by London standards.

@Twizbe I always thought state secondaries were an issue around there?

@proppy the area is dominated by a certain Academy chain (which is very marmite). A few years ago several children were allocated a secondary school over the border in Croydon because they couldn't get a secondary place.
Obviously with the current up and coming primary age children being a smaller population things might change. I think it's a risk to rely on moving somewhere specific for the local secondary schools when schools can completely change every few years (ie good/bad, under subscribed/over subscribed etc).

I think the smaller population will make the desired schools even more popular as you would want your dc in a school that gets maximum funding.

The London schools that myself, my siblings & friends went too are still the ones that are considered good so I don't think it actually changes that much at secondary level tbh.

But agree the chain you reference is marmite!

Yes and no. They are dominated by the marmite chain that is true. They are also very keen on single sex schools which is a bit of a pain if you have children of both sexes.

That said though, when I really think about it and look at the options there are at least 2 schools that would suit both my children within easy walk. There is also another secondary due to open on time for mine (early primary at the moment) we are also in a position to consider private. Though like with the state schools, the private options are mostly single sex too.

I love living in London but I think in your position, I wouldn't make the move. In practice, anywhere you go which is a nice family area of London is likely to be only 15/20 mins closer to central London than you are now. And having your family nearby if you're close to them is so important.

If I were you, I would focus on getting your career going again - potentially if you had a job you were excited about that was in central London, you would feel a lot happier.

I agree with PPs on not writing off very central London if you do choose to move, I know several people very happily raising families in zone 1. Personally I went for zone 3 and think it's a good balance between feeling like London but having easier access to green space and being able to afford a bigger house.

What about somewhere like Queens park, Kensal Green or out that way? Easy to get to Ricky, quite funky and Londoney. Or I think Finchley is worth a look.

Hi. I agree with the poster. My partner and I are originally from and grew up in Central London. We have lived in Chorleywood for 10 years and it is awful. It’s so boring. Dead. Nothing for children to do, zero vibrancy, the shops and dreadful as are the restaurants. Most of the people are like zombies on auto play. We are looking at moving from a 5 bed house to a 3 bed flat anywhere between Brook Green and Battersea and most of the areas in between. Chorleywood was voted the happiest place in England but people seem so miserable. We cannot wait to get out and have the house on the market and are viewing properties in our selected area. I would not want to be stuck here as a pensioner in 20 years time.

Only just seen your post and hallelujah someone agrees with me about this area! I grew up in Chorleywood!!! Left there as soon as I could then we made the bonkers decision to move to Rickmansworth when our first born was 6 months old. I’ve regretted it ever since. I’m still struggling to settle and no idea what we’ll end up doing.
I miss London terribly and really thought I’d be bringing my children up there. I’m disappointed I’m not and still so unclear why we left. I think my husband had a massive part to play but always says it wasn’t him. I was a post natal mess. It was a bad decision.

We’re still in Ricky. I find the people when out and about so miserable like you say. It’s an odd place. No one will help with a buggy on steps at the station, people just generally seem a bit peed off all the time I feel. Saying that the primary school my eldest goes to is lovely & the community at the school is great. I find I’m living in this bubble though where it’s just the school, nursery, our house then I get out as soon as I can. I never use any local facilities because I hate the highstreet it’s so depressing and people are so miserable.

can I ask if you have kids and if so how old they are? Will you be having to move their schools? This is the only thing that scares the living day lights out of me!

Oh my! @SuzMeade1975 and @Elizabeth0712 we live in a flat in a period manison block on a popular street but looking to move to Buckinghamshire or Hertfordshire and Chorleywood would've been on our list if it was in catchment for Bucks schools. I do hesitate about lack of vibrancy in the area. Was considering Cuffley and Welham Green as quiet but near enough to London but no great schools.

@Elizabeth0712 can I ask what you decided to do? I’m in a similar position living not far from Rickmansworth!!

I adore London. We moved out when DC were tiny when there was a shooting at the top of our street ( gang related). DC grew up in a leafy commuter village. Very safe. Very stifling to me. Interestingly, they never made friends in the village and have both gravitated to big cities. But I don't regret the move. They had loads of fresh air, went to safe schools, no disruption, had teen years free from knife crime, were safd getting home late at night from parties etc. We took them into London every other weekend - galleries, museums, gigs, concerts, theatre, opera, restaurants, markets, parks - they missed none of that. They just missed the sketchier, grubbier side of growing up in the inner city.

DH has now retired and I work from home or on location so we're moving back. Can't wait.

Do you work? Can you get a job in the city so you could go in couple days to get the hit you need but without uprooting family? I think you are in the right place but craving space and a taste of your independent years. Maybe you can have both?

I really sympathise with feeling stifled where you are. I’m a Londoner and I get that feeling when I’m in suburban places. But honestly I think you need a third idea.. it isn’t where you are now, or London. Because London as it is now isn’t the place you left. It’s overcrowded and much less aimiable. It’s touristy in the centre, it’s lost it’s character as a city for Londoners and now it’s about money and visitors, and residential areas are having every available inch built on, so parks are crowded and there is crime even in parks that used to safe for kids. It’s tremendously sad to see it.

I would love to know what decision the poster ended up making. I am considering moving somewhere like Chesham or Berkhamsted but worry I will feel bored and stifled also! I used to live in Queens Park and was so happy due to the local buzz, international community which felt like i was always meeting interesting people, but after divorcing I had to move and chose Harlesden for being affordable and still good transport links and supposedly being up and coming. Im a single mum and work in central London. 3 years later I am desperate to get my kids to a nicer area. We have a lovely 3 bed terraced house with garden, the kind that would cost 5 x the price back in Queens Park, but the area is so so grotty and filthy and has got worse in the time we've been here and there's no good secondary schools. And now I can't afford to move us back to a nicer area in London without moving to a tiny top floor flat with no outdoor space. Hence looking at chesham or berkhamsted. I would be doing it for the girls but I know I am a city person and worry about changing the girls schools and life and then regretting it. They're 7 and 9 currently. A friend of a friend lives in chesham and whilst I feel the local high street has not got any buzz and is a bit depressing it sounds like there are a lot of similiar minded people in the area that I might meet and hang out with. Berkhamsted feels like Hampstead and is lovely but more expensive and costs more to commute and i wouldnt know anyone. I'm also dependent on having an au pair as affordable childcare and moving out of central London makes that very hard to come by since Brexit.

We moved to Fulham about a year ago and have not looked back. It can be a bit dicey as there is clearly a big mental health and homeless crisis in London and you can encounter chaotic situations in public places. Khan just blows the diversity and climate trumpet and is in dreamland thinking people can keep paying more and tolerate the dog mess on every street, roadworks everywhere and no police to be seen anywhere. However I viewed this as a temporary problem as I don't think he will win another term and whoever replaces him will at least try to tackle these issues. On the plus side west London (Fulham) is great. Parks, greens, shops, pubs restaurants and schools all good. Kids have had to adjust and become a little more street wise and robust (which they have done) but are flourishing academically. Sports clubs for kids, music lessons, church clubs in abundance with nice kids and lovely families (some uber successful but laid back and not pretentious like Chorleywood) Real character and variety in the area. We don't give Chorleywood a moments thought any more and nor do the kids. If we still lived there they would definitely be missing out. Chorleywood is for retirees who want a quiet life. Why we ever moved there in the first place I will never know. We love it in SW London.

@SuzMeade1975 just to mention though we have the same issues in Bath as you mention in west London - and was the same too under a different administration - same to when we lived in Oxford and Canterbury - I think it’s not just a London thing - it’s just more noticeable in places of any size with a more transient/larger student population - I think you just have to gravitate if you can afford it to the better bits in these places and accept the very good aspects of these places often outweighs the shit. Glad you are enjoying it - I agree with all your comments, I think it’s easy to end up yes with a better house, but not necessarily a better life for what suits you in some places.

We had a great time bringing up Dc in Brixton and Streatham, and they had so many opportunities.

Great schools, great parks, loads of activities, went to museums and kids shows all the time. Fantastic opportunities in extra curricular music, dance, drama, joined Cubs and Scouts for great outdoor activities.

We had a great school gate and local community, and made lifelong friends.

Go for it!

Hi everyone. Thank you so much for your replies on this topic. @TML69 I feel for you as it’s so tough. So we’re still in Rickmansworth and a few things have changed to make me appreciate it more. My sister had cancer and is now (touch wood) better, she lives in the next town along in Chorleywood so being close to her during that time felt important. I’ve made a really good group of friends where we have such a good time together: we call it a judgment free zone and it really is; we’re all as bonkers as each other & they love going into London so we go into town together often.
The pros are, the primary school which is called Rickmansworth Park is so very lovely and the parents and small community there is honestly fantastic. Such lovely people and a real mixture too. It’s small, 1 class per year. Most of the teachers have been there a long time and I feel confident my kids are getting a great education with positive role models around them. My family are close by which has meant a lot to me recently with some of my own health issue too and I’ve made a lovey community of friends.
Ok now down side, I still dislike Rickmansworth. It’s boring and there’s a vibe of ignorance around here. The England flags are constantly being put up locally. The local Facebook group can show of a lot of hatred towards immigrants and racist undertones a lot of the time. The highstreet isn’t great and I feel totally uninspired to leave my house here to do much unless it’s going to family or friends. This is a big deal for me as I’m someone who seeks buzz and vibrancy in an area.
Travelling into London every weekend isn’t doable with an 8 and 6 year old, especially now kids parties and clubs factor in heavily.
The thought of doing another 10 years here makes my heart sink and makes me feel a bit sick without sounding dramatic!
I see secondary school as my route out but how, what, where, no idea yet. Need to think hard. I think I would be happier, healthier in London and plan to move back but when is another issue.
So the areas you’ve mentioned I do know. Chesham I personally feel you would regret. It’s hard to access as you’ve only got the met line and no fast train. It’s an awkward link. I also just find it quite a stifling place and you will massively struggle if you’re a city person. Also your journey into London will be very long.
Berkhampstead is much nicer and has a lot more buzz but again I still find it a bit meh compared to London. Appreciate I sound difficult but you don’t get the same feeling you do in London. Your commute would be super expensive from there. It’s so tough and I can’t really say what you should do. I would visit the areas many times before making a decision and don’t rush into it. We rushed into moving here and I’ve had to live with a lot of regret.
wishing you all the best whatever you decide x

@SuzMeade1975 How amazing you did it! Congratulations! I’m envious! 😝 Wishing you all the very best in Fulham! How lovely x

Thank you. It took perseverance. But it's great. Wishing you luck.

@Elizabeth0712 I think there’s always compromises whichever way you look unless money really is no object . We choose to live in Bath as it has a lot going for it but compromise is we have to pay out for London business stuff every 10 days or so, train, petrol, occasional overnights. We don’t own a house, but rent a very nice one here , posh area, lovely garden etc and put money into the business- we ‘could’ just about have a rented house in an ok bit of London but wouldn’t be that nice and my H just wont accept that compromise as he likes a nice home in a nice and safe area .i think it all seems better if you focus on what you do have, rather than what you don’t - Theresa lot of people round here live in Chippenham or Trowbridge and Frome which are way cheaper but quick into Bath which many do at weekends - I’m sure plenty ( not all I know) feel like you do, just not in the Home Counties and have come to the conclusion that to have a nice home for this stage of life they are having to accept that compromise is in the equation. Wishing you well lovely x
friends do make all the difference too .