Festive W. London Chat

[vbus]

Hello

Just popping in and saw thread already full up! The craziness of November is well and truly under way. Sorry I'm behind on your news, hope everyone is well.

The scarf video, I thought she was going to hang herself for the final tie

Still undecided about floor, have got loads of samples ordered. I want a fresh, modern look whereas Dh wants more clinical, utlitarian (sp?) look, need to find something that we both like

I am hoping KewC will be serving up a few Keith Winslet's at her housewarming

Copper - can you email me your gardener's details please if you're happy with their service? our garden has been trashed by building works and needs a revamp, looking to get a few quotes. Thanks

Sfx - this is still going on, poor DD. Good luck with teacher discussions, hope they take positive action.

There is one boy in DS1 class who keeps bullying everyone, some pushing here and there in playground, disruptive behaviour etc. Despite concerns raised by parents I'm amazed it's still been going on since Reception

about dd, there is less violence this year, and last time I spoke to teacher she said they were friends, very different story I get at home, the other girl is isolating her from all other friends, she no longer plays with anyone else at school, she tells me she makes the best of it but wishes she could be left alone. the teacher put them in the same work group but they are in different groups for maths and literacy, I don't think I can talk to her in10mins where they basically tell us a lot of nothing and move on

I really don't know how to deal with it and have no faith it will be dealt with appropriately, they are better when there is actual bodily harm or some other more obvious signs but she cries about it some times
I was telling her the other day that I see her happy and smiling and got the feeling she actually was enjoying herself, but she says no not really just pretending because if I am miserable no one will want to play with me, she is not even 7, I get really upset by this
and worst because it is more than likely my fault, was discussing this with dh the other day and we are trying to change some things to try and make it easier for her

also another parent at school was watching an interaction when 5 classmates where playing in playground and he remarked 'hasn't dd punched her yet? she really ought to' I know it was half in jest but still it was obvious the constant demands and relentless grabbing and pulling and so on

sfx - I would just persist and nag till they do something about it. Emotional/non-physical bullying is just as bad, if not worse. If you have no other concerns with school work why not just use the time for this issue? Don't let teacher start - preempt. Who supervises in the playground? For us it's usually the TA who knows what's going on there really. Does the TA know?

vbus - will email you.

Sfx - Don't feel it's your fault. I would spell it out at parents evening to teacher. Maybe she has not grasped the whole situation. If 10mins not enough then follow up with another appointment afterwards with teacher. Take it up with head if you're not getting satisfactory response from teacher.

I agree the non-physical bullying is worse and can leave someone traumatised for a long time even after bullying has stopped.

DS1 often doesn't tell me what happens and puts on a brave front Next time you see it happen, I would intervene and tell the other girl to stop

good advice thanks
vbus is ds1 experiencing some trouble?

I think she lost confidence and faith in the authority figure last year, in year one we were really concerned and I spoke to the teacher, she told me dd should tell her when things were happening, when she did she was told not to tell tales
this year the teacher is convinced she is friends with the other girl, other people have watched interaction outside school and disagree.
recently this other girl was at someone's house with two other children as well as the host and she could not cope, she screamed and screamed and wanted her games her way and to play only with the host, everyone thought it was odd in a 7yr old

it is a shame because in a way if the relationship was normal she would like to play, dd often tells me she likes her in small doses and needs the holidays and weekends away to recover.

I also think her being in the same groups is detrimental, she has told me the extra TA has moved dd on a couple of occasions, to another groups to help her concentrate , although I think if the other one is being disruptive dd should not be the one to be moved

I worry about nagging as no doubt I will be seen as the neurotic mother
I can't wait for the holiday she can choose who to spend time with and we can do fun stuff

sfx - there's a difference between neurosis and perseverance. Either there is not a problem and you and dd are being neurotic, or there is a problem and teacher is being wilfully blind to it. In school the fact that the TA has to separate them should indicate that there could be a problem. How does she explain this? You can't ignore it just because it's holidays, unless you think the problem will go away after the hols! I'm in favour of persisting. Write down all your points and don't go away until you are satisfied. >

I'm dispensing wisdom here there and everywhere today. Makes me very popular. Please feel free to ignore me.

I agree with Copper. Obviously the TA has noticed a problem, and I don't think anything can be resolved in 10 minutes. I would bring it to the teacher's attention at parent's evening and request a follow-up meeting with the teacher, TA and head if needs be.

I have been talking to other parents and I am on the brink of moving her to another school, this is just not working, unfortunately, there is something not ok in the class. i think I had a lot of goodwill towards the present teacher particularly because she seemed to have a better hand on the class than the previous one. but over time I have been loosing trust and confidence.
I am just really troubled about it to be honest

Sfx - Hope it doesn't come to that Seems like a conversation definitely needs to take place with teacher, TA and head in same meeting to get to the bottom of it. How can such behaviour be ignored on playdate and at school?

Some distance from the situation and school during the Easter hols might help too, will give you some perspective to form a plan

Last year DS1 was more troubled by the boy. This year he has some good friendships and is so much more happier and I thought things had settled down. I knew the boy was still playing up in class as I heard from other parents whose children were victims, but last week DS1's friend told me he pushed DS1 over in the playground again and seemed v. concerned. DS1 reluctant to speak about it so I'm none the wiser

sfx - if you are even considering the possibility of moving DD to another school then you must say this both to the teacher and to head to give them the opportunity to do something and take it seriously. I'm sure it can be difficult sometimes working out which parental concerns are run of the mill stuff that will resolve in time and what has a more serious underlying cause. The fact that you are considering fairly drastic action should bring home to them that you consider the problem to be serious. In those circumstances they ought to be listening to your concerns and if they don't at that point then they are fools and deserve to lose pupils.

thank you I will consider this carefully, dh is more inclined to ask them to deal with the most pressing issue and see how it works
personally I am fed up and maybe that is personal, I found it really aggravating that she brought up the 'only child too attached to mother' as some sort of explanation.

vbus I worry about the things I am not told too, I know children build resilience and it is part of growing up but it is hard particularly when they front well but feel some sadness inside

I also think schools expect too much these days in the wrong things, the obsession with testing is ridiculous, tests can be learnt it is an ability that is taught, learning generally and getting a taste and love for learning is quite another

'only child too attached to mother' - Has she ever given a precise explanation of WTF that actually means and HTF it manifests itself? I would demand examples and give counter examples. If you are thinking about leaving anyway you could escalate.

Some people like labels. A friend's son was fluent in reading English and another language by the time he went to school, but his teacher was quite determined that he would be quite slow in learning English because "bilingual children are slower at learning languages".

Anyway, good morning! Best go and wake DS2.

copper yes the labels are delightful, they were also quite certain that English was her 2nd language and she therefore needed extra group work to overcome it.
another identified problem is that she gives long descriptions of things and should be more succinct, well, you know she does go on and on but maybe shouting is not the best way of dealing with it. amused that dd's answer was - well you did not explain very clearly what you wanted me to do - that must have gone down well

anyhow must try and study now

Funnily enough we were talking about stereotypes this morning. DS1's class discussed it in the sex education class, apparently. We agree that it's just laziness. People relying on labels rather than using their eyes, ears and brains.

at minisfx requiring extra work to catch up with her English. So how do they square that with "long descriptions" which presumably were not in broken English!?

When DS1 started school I didn't put down "any other languages" he speaks at home, due to friend's son's example. And due to the fact that we don't really know which one is his first or second language. With DS1 we were more relaxed, since the school seems quite reasonable.

I think you need a list of their inconsistencies to beat them with. With which to beat them, I mean.

Some grown-ups need to get over themselves.

the language thing was in the reception but the teacher quickly saw it wasn't necessary.
I get furious but sometimes need to settle and see the overall picture, I am currently disappointed, it might improve but it is hard to watch.
I suppose it is human to have favourites but maybe it should not be shown quite so clearly

Sfx - at only child comment, how ridiculous to say that, I would've been furious too. It's wise to look at overall picture but when overall picture is diminishing due to such incidents then it's time to step in and re-evalute the situation.

I can tell DS1 is overall much happier and he does not seem worried by this boy as he was last year so I'm prepared to over look it this time. It's just worrying that he was not the one telling me about it but it was his concerned friend.

Alongside discovery and learning I do think it's better to focus on behaviours and building esteem at this age, the testing and academics can be dealt with later

Right better get on with lunch, my tummy's rumbling!

Just as an aside, our local cafe does the best mushrooms on toast. The reason why I'm not hungry for lunch yet.

vbus I so agree on that account

copper I am very particular about mushrooms on toast, needs sturdy bread and garlicky mushroom imo

I don't know how much testing goes on, but DS1 seems unfazed by it all, so I decided not to pay any attention to it. DS2 has never said anything about it.

They are a bit namby-pamby about tests. When I was growing up you have tests every few weeks, then end-of-term big exam, then you get your report card handed out to you, in the order of where you came in the exams if it's a crap teacher. They tested, and they were not ashamed of testing. Now it's just not clear what they believe they are doing. (Not that I approve of the testing regime we grew up with ... But I know several parents with similar background to me and sometimes I think they crave that clear-cut regime. )

At the last parent's evening a few weeks ago, I was a bit when the teacher was talking about targets and where ds1 was currently and where he should be by the end of the year. I honestly didn't think they would start that so soon!!

I know of one friend who has now applied to other schools and is planning to move her dd after the summer because of low-level bullying. She's spoken to the school but the teacher told her "these children are 5 & 6, they're far too old to be mollycoddled" [anger]. She is also an only child & the teacher also referred to it as being the problem!!

I know ds1 doesn't always tell me stuff that happens - if I find out it's usually from another parent whose child has told them.

I asked ds1 why he didn't mention if someone had pushed him or whatever to me & dh - he shrugged and said "it's not a big deal, sometimes its me & sometimes it happens to someone else. It doesn't really bother me!" .

Tilly - your Ds1 has a good attitude I'm hoping that DS1 is going this way in that he tells me stuff when he's really upset and I can see it in his face. at teacher's remark

Sfx - did you have Hugh's mushrooms on toast at festival last year? Best ever!

tilly I think there are normal playground things that happen, I have no problem if she grazes her knees falls about gets pushed in a game and so on, as long as it is part of the game and no targeting occurs

the only child things bothers me on many levels, I already feel guilty about it but from what I can tell it is just aspect of growing up as it would be being part of a big family pros/cons

and as for targets, that has been happening since Reception, there were definitely targets last year, we were told national average/borough average/ school average/ projection and where she fits in, what is expected etc

and of course yr 2 has SATS, we had a special parents evening for this and were told it was no big deal and that the children would not be told they were 'special' tests, but we were issued with mock papers and examples of what is expected at different levels and where to buy exercise books to practise