Too early to call it quits?

[OneGoldKoala]

I moved from London to another European city just over three months ago and I hate it so much. Moved for husband’s job, naively expected to find a community for me and my toddler but despite going to regular classes etc just haven’t really found anyone.

Moving back is an option but we sold up (seemed like a good idea at the time) and DH much prefers it here to the UK. He has been working here much longer than three months!!!!

I miss my old life so much - I had such a community, lots of friends (made from baby & toddler classes) and had so much to do. Now I feel like I’m just wandering aimlessly looking for things to do.

I know it takes time and eventually I won’t be crying every day BUT I’ve started to wonder if the crying stops when you just accept that this is reality. That it isn’t necessarily better, it’s just been a year and you’re stuck but at least you know your way around the grocery store now.

I’ve joined groups, am learning the language, going to regular toddler classes but I’m hitting a brick wall and it’s so disheartening because I’ve always, always had lots of friends but I just don’t seem to be able to get past small talk here.

So basically, do I cut my losses and just go (obvs with DH) or do I stick it out and just accept that eventually it’ll just become normal even if it isn’t what I want?

I’m also hugely mourning the loss of all of the things I hadn’t even considered before I came like my DC wearing a school uniform on his first day and being able to understand his conversation with his friends when they come
over for play dates.

Was it intended to be a long term move OP? Did you put any time limit on it?

Will you be able to work there at some point? Or are you stuck as a SAHM indefinitely?

Can your DH get a job back in London? Is this your DH’s home country or is he from the UK?

I think life as a SAHM can be lonely anyway so I wouldn’t personally want to move to a country where I didn’t speak the language well or have connections. I think it sounds fun on paper but is tough in reality for all the reasons you mention. It’s possible you will make more friends as time goes on but IMO if the other people you meet are all from that country, know each other already, speak fluently in the local language and you are new and only just learning the language then you are going to find it tough. I suspect it could be a long time to make real connections.

The exception is perhaps if you move into a community of ex pats and your child goes to international school, but that doesn’t sound like the case.

In your shoes I would want to move back.

They always say six months minimum

Ha interesting this is running parallel to the other thread about people not thinking things through when moving abroad!
Three months is nothing. You’d feel the same if you moved to a different city/area in your own country, though I bet language is a huge barrier for you now. So I’d make this a priority. Also is there an ex pat community where you are at? My parents moved to the US and joined the English Speaking Union there where they found other ex pats (surprising as obviously English was their native tongue) and their interest in the arts also allowed them to meet people with similar interests. Can you volunteer somewhere? I volunteered at my children’s school when I moved 80 miles from my home after my DH passed away suddenly. I am an introvert but knew to make new connections if really have to move outside my comfort zone. And can your husband help? Invite coupe over for dinner/BBQ or otherwise help you meet people?

You’ve hit the nail on the head with this.

It was meant to be a long term move, but I know in my heart it won’t work. He is also British but prefers it here.

Would you mind saying where you are? Some of us might be in the same country or have experience within that specific culture/society.

3 months is nothing when it comes to resettling somewhere completely new.

I honestly think that moving abroad is something you really must be 100% in and truly wish to make the new country home. It very much sounds like your heart isn't in it at all. It is a pity you sold up completely back in the UK without giving it a trial run first.

Surely the language is key? Put as much effort as you can into that, I would say.
3 months is way too soon to think of leaving. And your husband likes it, so what is it that he particularly enjoys? Focus on the positives, as I can't imagine a European city that wouldn't have lots of plus points, tbh.

It’s Amsterdam, I’m taking lessons and usually good at languages but Dutch is really challenging me.

3 months is nothing to settle in a new country and life.
It takes more than 3 months to settle with new activities and new people around.

Can you try contacting this group?

Source: I amsterdam https://share.google/PhwUFGSZP9CRfpeha

Sorry, this isn't what I was looking for.

We emigrated to Sydney many years ago, expecting to stay for at least 5 years. We realised within weeks it was just not the place for us, but unfortunately all our possessions and furniture were on the high seas, following us. We were home within a year, and settled back very happily.
I should say that we did make friends and found work, but we were never realy welcomed into any community: people had their own social groups and these were closed to outsiders.

Three months in, and this time of year when its wet and grey is a bad combination. Have trip home, but it will take a year to start to feel more settled, especially when you've mentally "left forever".

This is a good idea

This link may work better https://www.meetup.com/amsterdam-expat/ www.meetup.com/amsterdam-expat/]]]]

You said your husband had been working there much longer. If you all move back will he have to continue to work away a lot?

Give it at least 6 months op, things will gradually improve.

Too early. We live overseas and first 3 months was hard, even first 6 months to be fair but then things started to improve. It’s important for him to also help you both make social arrangements, inviting couples round for coffee etc so you both make more acquaintances. Consider part time work yourself to fill in some time and also to make some contacts, plus meet some baby group friends. It’s normal to imagine you’ll get this big Dutch friendship group but that isn’t necessarily common but mixed groups through expat events can also help to meet others (not just Brits).

Moving to a new country is tough even if you speak the language (I've done it!) and as PPs say, 3 mos is not very long. So hang in there and keep bashing away at it. Try some of the links and keep trying groups/activities/classes.

An American friend recently moved from Amsterdam and from her comments, it seems to me there is a strong ex-pat community. Her children were school aged and went to international (private) schools - there are a few.

This surprised me. I was expecting it to be France or where the locals didn't speak much English but absolutely everyone in the Netherlands speaks really good English and there are loads of British expats there as well. Dutch is really hard to learn and honestly, they realistically won't be expecting you to, beyond a few basics. You'll probably never be good enough to have a proper in depth conversation with anyone, so while I wouldn't say give up (it's nice to make an effort to speak the host country's language) I don't think language is the barrier you think it is here.

Dutch people can be a bit reserved with outsiders, the same as the Danish. It can take a long time to infiltrate their social circles. I think you need to broaden your net a bit socially and find different groups to join. Target other expats with small children, there will be facebook groups for them.

You need to give it six months at least before you can say it hasn't worked. The first year is always hard.

So I grew up abroad and also lived abroad (different country). Things that really help

• language: you said youre good at languages and Dutch isn't that hard to learn (Alphabet, pronunciation etc). So maybe the class you are attending isn't the right one for you. Can you find another resource for learning? I found municipal provided classes good as an aside
• expats: everyone I know abroad and everywhere Ive lived has ended up needing an expat group to hang out with at some point. It's very hard to fully integrate and having an outlet of people in similar boat is helpful. I don't know the ones in Amsterdam but I am sure there are some. They are usually fairly welcoming to newcomers
• local connections: the Dutch can be a bit unfriendly, I lived in a country that was similarly closed to foreigners. People were courteous but quite guarded. Having reasons to engage other than making friends is key and it takes longer than 3 months. So with the toddler groups, this is a great idea but youve met these people what 5-10 times max? It will take more investment to break through. They may have seen countless people come and go like you, so they will want to know you're sticking around in order to invest in the friendship. Try to arrange a play date or just turn up at a few extra sessions. Hang in there, try speaking Dutch, ask for help with speaking or laugh at yourself. You will get through eventually.

Good luck OP. 3 months is very short in honesty to make a decision either way

I was actually sick when we moved to Australia. Homesickness actually felt like being ill! It passed. First 6 months is the absolute worst. You have to give it time. All the Dutch speak English so you've time on your side.
Baffles me why anyone would move to another country and call it quits without giving it a shot. Friend of DH's moved his entire family out to New Zealand and is now going home - his bloody stuff hasn't all even arrived from the containers!!!

Are you actually based in Amsterdam or outside of it? We lived in Laren near Utrecht and there was a big expat community. If you're in the city I can see why that might be isolating, you might be better considering a different location.
I also lived in Sydney and it did take several months to settle. I wouldn't give up just yet.

I just knew you were going to say Amsterdam!

Was there a year and barely knew anyone despite going to language classes daily and doing school pick ups.

Was glad when we left!

I’d say give it a year - a full turn of the seasons. That’s what I’ve learned to do when I’ve moved somewhere new (it does get much easier with every move). Ex pat groups sound like a good idea, but also try things like hobby groups, language classes, etc. Learning the language is critical.

Did you choose an international school? I’ve got my DS’s name down for a Dutch school but I think that’s the right thing for him but wrong for me it that makes sense?

3 months is nothing at all, in my experience it takes a good couple of years to really settle in. I wouldn't have thought language would be much of a barrier. I lived in north Belgium (Dutch speaking) and the majority of people spoke English and were happy to do so. I picked up basic words/phrases pretty quickly.
You mention you and your toddler but what are you doing for yourself or with your DH? Dinner with work colleagues, join a gym etc. What's your plan long term? If you work your circle will expand. Take up a hobby etc