Too early to call it quits?

[OneGoldKoala]

I moved from London to another European city just over three months ago and I hate it so much. Moved for husband’s job, naively expected to find a community for me and my toddler but despite going to regular classes etc just haven’t really found anyone.

Moving back is an option but we sold up (seemed like a good idea at the time) and DH much prefers it here to the UK. He has been working here much longer than three months!!!!

I miss my old life so much - I had such a community, lots of friends (made from baby & toddler classes) and had so much to do. Now I feel like I’m just wandering aimlessly looking for things to do.

I know it takes time and eventually I won’t be crying every day BUT I’ve started to wonder if the crying stops when you just accept that this is reality. That it isn’t necessarily better, it’s just been a year and you’re stuck but at least you know your way around the grocery store now.

I’ve joined groups, am learning the language, going to regular toddler classes but I’m hitting a brick wall and it’s so disheartening because I’ve always, always had lots of friends but I just don’t seem to be able to get past small talk here.

So basically, do I cut my losses and just go (obvs with DH) or do I stick it out and just accept that eventually it’ll just become normal even if it isn’t what I want?

I’m also hugely mourning the loss of all of the things I hadn’t even considered before I came like my DC wearing a school uniform on his first day and being able to understand his conversation with his friends when they come
over for play dates.

I’d love it if we had school uniform. I hate the daily clothes decision making process the DC have to go through!

You need to work to fit in. I moved to Italy for work, then Switzerland- made friends through my job. It took years to meet female friends, they are suspicion of outsiders. My best friends are still expats!!

Very much no decisioning here - jeans or joggers, t-shirt and hoodie. Much easier to maintain, cheaper by far, no ironing and only one pair of shoes of practical shoes

Did you work before moving to Amsterdam? I have been a trailing spouse for the last 18 months in a Muslim, non English speaking non Gulf country and moving here was the first time in my life that I havent worked full time. I have lived and worked overseas in other countries where I didnt speak the language, but this was my first time with my child and not working. My child goes to an international school.

There has been a lot of good advice here and in all honesty, you need to stop comparing what you had in the UK to what you have now. There will be frustrating aspects but there will also be good aspects which might be better than your life before. Your husband also needs to help you out - presumably he has friends from work, what about their families? Do they have kids? Can you go over to their house for a play date?

Like someone else said - just go to EVERYTHING, even if you have zero interest in knitting/reading/cards/running - you never know who you might meet when you are there. My friendship group here is very diverse (age in particular) and very international - much more varied than the mums I was friends with in London. Once you have a social network then you can drop stuff later on, but right now you need to build that social network and that will involve you putting yourself out there and being more "active" than you may have been before at finding friends. Most ex pats are very very welcoming as they have been in your position. The best advice I have always given, and recieved, was to say yes to absolutely everything for the first 6 months as a minimum.

So sorry. Had a very different experience in the Netherlands and loved it. Is it an option to look at living outside Amsterdam and your husband commute in - really quick by rail. I would look at Leiden or Haarlem. Both are much more family friendly.

Have you got a museum pass? Many families go at the weekend. Also look at the whole camping on a big site thing (plenty with chalets). Again, many Dutch families do it.

Moving to another country is not easy.

Can you and your husband and your toddler explore Amsterdam and the Netherlands together? I understand that your husband has his job, but perhaps during the weekends? Make fun memories together in a new country.

Can you make a list of places in Amsterdam and the Netherlands that you want to visit? Just to get an appreciation of the country.