Too early to call it quits?

[OneGoldKoala]

I moved from London to another European city just over three months ago and I hate it so much. Moved for husband’s job, naively expected to find a community for me and my toddler but despite going to regular classes etc just haven’t really found anyone.

Moving back is an option but we sold up (seemed like a good idea at the time) and DH much prefers it here to the UK. He has been working here much longer than three months!!!!

I miss my old life so much - I had such a community, lots of friends (made from baby & toddler classes) and had so much to do. Now I feel like I’m just wandering aimlessly looking for things to do.

I know it takes time and eventually I won’t be crying every day BUT I’ve started to wonder if the crying stops when you just accept that this is reality. That it isn’t necessarily better, it’s just been a year and you’re stuck but at least you know your way around the grocery store now.

I’ve joined groups, am learning the language, going to regular toddler classes but I’m hitting a brick wall and it’s so disheartening because I’ve always, always had lots of friends but I just don’t seem to be able to get past small talk here.

So basically, do I cut my losses and just go (obvs with DH) or do I stick it out and just accept that eventually it’ll just become normal even if it isn’t what I want?

I’m also hugely mourning the loss of all of the things I hadn’t even considered before I came like my DC wearing a school uniform on his first day and being able to understand his conversation with his friends when they come
over for play dates.

Looking at the worst case scenario, will your husband let you leave with your child if he wants to stay and you don’t? I’m going against most people here and I’d say plan to leave sooner rather than later in case you can’t agree.

Have a search on fb for groups like "Amsterdam expat mums" or similar wording. These tend to exist everywhere and can be s good place to begin. Also do you like running/walking? You can join parkrun in the Netherlands, that is always a very social Saturday event.

Amsterdam has a huge expat community though and lots of people living there for years and not really speaking Dutch.

I think for Amsterdam 3 months is too early to call it quits. You need to give yourself more time to find new community and just keep trying. Honestly you need 1-2 years to settle down. Full integration takes up to 6 years in any immigration.

OP, did you not ever move within in the UK before you moved to Amsterdam? Because some of the things you're sad about wouldn't be dissimilar with a move to a different part of the UK. I'd be very surprised if you had found a readymade bunch of friends within three months, even if you'd only moved from Bournemouth to Aberdeen. You don't need to speak good Dutch to make friends. You should definitely keep up classes, but Dutch people all speak perfect English, and a significant proportion of Amsterdam residents are from overseas, anyway. I don't think Dutch people are particularly open to make new friends, but tbh, I found the same thing when I moved from London to Leicestershire. That wasn't for me, but we gave it several years before moving on, at a time when it made sense financially.

You need to stick it out for at least a year or eighteen months before thinking about leaving, because you're homesick and not thinking straight now. Why not view it as a temporary adventure to be enjoyed for now, and stop borrowing trouble like worrying about your child wearing a school uniform in several years time? What do you enjoy? Go and do that. The Netherlands has incredibly good public transport. I'd use it to get around and explore the country and see as much art as possible, or whatever floats your boat. Get a Museumjaarkart. See Utrecht, Delft, Leiden, Groningen, Alkmaar, the islands.

I don’t know Amsterdam but I’ve friends in other Dutch cities who have settled in well. The trains are great so would your DH think about commuting into Amsterdam from somewhere nearby? Lots of people move to other countries but take a couple of tries to find the right community / town. Even different parts of the same city are probably quite different vibes. I’d say keep trying / experimenting.

Ime people who move abroad have broadly either a. Really thought about it and know they want to live in that place or b. Haven’t really thought through the reality thus encounter unanticipated difficulties.

It works ok if both partners are a or b, but this is an + b. For obvious reasons type a. Tends to stay and type b tends to return.

You need to give it at least a year and to really give socialising your best shot.

Pity you chose to live in Amsterdam and not somewhere near such as Leiden or Utrecht, which in my opinion are much nicer places.

I do think regardless you should give it a full year, winter can be difficult almost anywhere.

Become a gardener. Try to talk to neighbours?
There must be something to do

I've moved country several times though not to a non-English speaking country. In my experience it takes about 3 years to start to feel really settled. And even for that you need to have a fair few things in place. So I think yes. It is far too soon if the intention is to really give this a go.

At the same time, I think moving with a young toddler is not normally a great idea and automatically hampers the mother and puts you in a weak position. Are you at least putting the toddler in child care to do language classes and give yourself space to meet people?

I think you've under estimated what is needed to build community (you make it sound like you expected to rock up and instantly connect with people). Meeting friends at toddler groups can work, but normally only when you already have a lot in common with the other attendees anyway. You need to be meeting people who are also looking for friendship in a situation where you have purpose to help smooth the initial points of interaction. Jobs tend to be good for this, especially when you're under ~35, as you often with people with similar educational background, more chance of similar interest, etc. Volunteering (at least 1/2 time) if you don't have the right to work. Or doing a course at college. Expat community might help - but runs the risk of making it harder to make dutch friends and really fit in.

Does your DH have friends there (you say he's been working there a lot longer)? Is he inviting you out with his group of friends, inviting people over, etc. And helping introduce you to people?

3 months is too short a time.
Even moving around the UK can be difficult. We had several jobs in the UK and abroad and I can honestly say that I found Yorkshire the most difficult place to get to know people.
Give it time, as others say reach out to Xpat groups. Possibly change your language class.
Amsterdam isn't the otherside of world.
Good luck

I knew you were in Amsteddam!
I worked there for a few years and it was wonderful. I never had a small child though.

Keep trying though, the Dutch are really fabulous people and hopefully you will find a community soon xx

I think Amsterdam can be tough. For one it’s relatively expensive which isn’t quite as fun as some European moves. I’d enquire with an international school first and see what groups etc they have on. Many tend to be really community minded and are happy to recommend, even if your children aren’t school age yet.
I do think though, you’ll enjoy it more as the weather improves and you can get out and about more . That’s probably when you’ll feel the benefits of being in a city like Amsterdam.
In expat circles people often say give it a year. There some truth in it. In the first months you’re in the first stages of culture shock and it can be really tough.

Go on facebook and see if there are any groups such as "English speakers in Amsterdam", "English-speaking mums and toddlers in Amsterdam" and then join the group and see what's going on or ask if anyone wants to meet up.
I live in another EU country and I'm a member of "English speakers in <nearest city>" and there are quite a lot of people there in a similar boat to you and there are quite a few meet-up groups relating to different things or people just posting saying "I'm in the city today for such and such, does anyone fancy grabbing a coffee in the afternoon" and there are usually lots of replies.

I do think you need to give it more time but it is very hard for the "trailing spouse".
The language will get better with time.
You have a long time until your child goes to school so I would try not to dwell on things like the first day at school and not being able to understand him and his friends on playdates. Yes, he won't be wearing the uniform but schools in the EU do mark the first day of school as a big event, just different traditions.

You seem to have got yourself in quite a state and I'm sorry about that. Please don't dwell on things like first day at school and really concentrate just on the here and now. I would keep at it and try to build a fixed routine for the week with different groups. Look for something with other English speakers but keep trying to make Dutch friends too. I've always found the Dutch friendly but don't know if it's a bit different in Amsterdam.

When my daughter was in Madrid she took part in something called Inter Cambio where she met up for coffee with people wanting to learn English or improve theirs and she could practise her Spanish. Maybe you could see if there is something similar. I’ve always found lots of Dutch people speak very good English so perhaps you need to be a bit more proactive in developing friendships. There is bound to be an ex pat community. Perhaps put something on Facebook. Good luck.

@OneGoldKoala

Well, I hate to be Debbie Downer and a Fear Monger, but remember that the longer you're there the harder it may be to take your DS back to the UK in the event you decide to split with DH because he won't leave. Once DS becomes 'habitually resident' according to the Hague Convention, your DH will need to consent to him leaving.

Not saying you shouldn't give it a bit longer, just keep that in the back of your mind.

My sister has lived in Amsterdam nearly 10 years, kids went to British college secondary. She never bother learning Dutch - their English is so good it’s basically pointless. It’s not the same as France, Spain etc (speaking from experience)

she has made friends with expats- there are loads from all over the world. Less Dutch friends, just the way it is, obviously Dutch stay within local communities.

Amsterdam is a fantastic plaCe to live but it will be hard to intergrate. I struggled in a similar city in your situation (but ExH was native). I did move home and love being back in thr UK but was situation was very tumultuous.

if you have money and resources get involved with expats. UK is such a close flight for visiting too . Good luck!

It’s a brilliant city with loads to do but I’m not used to having to do it all alone. I just expected to meet some mums with similar ages children (like I did back home)

I know it doesn’t sound like it, but it was well thought out and researched - I just didn’t anticipate how much I’d miss or what I’d mourn.

DH will move back if needs be, but it’s a big ask to.

I think reading your replies I need to really take a long hard look at my expectations. In London (and the other cities I’ve lived in) I made friends so easily, more so since having a child. The mums at the kids classes I used to go to are some of my best friends. I just didn’t expect it to be any different here. Unless I make friends, it isn’t going to work here.

I wouldn't worry too much about the language as most Dutch people speak great English. I would spend the class time doing something else, where you are more likely to connect over a shared interest. I moved a couple of times with young DC and it's always difficult to find friends, however open and sociable you are - you need to find other 'incomers' not the ones who have lived there forever and have established family/friend groups. Could you look for a job, even part-time or voluntary?

Three months is no time at all to settle, though it feels like forever when you are unhappy. Do you have plans for visitors? Showing other people around will help you feel that Amsterdam is yours.

Do the local parkrun OP. There is at least one in Amsterdam! You don't need to run, you can walk, and it will be a different way into meeting people (both Dutch and Brits, and probably other nationalities as well).

My parents moved overseas when I was a toddler and came back after about 4 months because my mum couldn't settle. I wonder how life would have been if we'd stayed. I'd definitely try to give it a bit longer.

I lived out there for years in my twenties OP. There's a huge expat community there, why do you not try and tap into that, rather than forge Dutch friendships , or at least initially, until you know the language well. I would say overall the standard of living is higher and lifestyle is healthier compared to the UK, so try and stick it out if you can. And I'm sure once your little one is at school it'll be easier, as then you'll meet other school mums.

I feel you on this op. Although I haven't moved as far away as you (only 22 miles) i may as well have moved 2000 miles away. I lived in the same little town for 40yrs (all my life). I moved her in December and I hate it. I am stuck now with no hopes / money of getting back to my hometown. I can't imagine how you feel being so far away from everyone & everything you know & love 💐.
I recently went back there to visit my grandma & aunty & I had to pull over at the side of the road on the way home bc I was crying so much over having to leave x

Trust me, I’m not limiting myself to just Dutch friendships!

I lived in Amsterdam when DC were little, OP. I agree that three months is no time at all, and that it will take time to settle there. It's an incredible city and very child friendly, so I think you'll be fine if you stay, but personally, I gave up trying to integrate with Dutch people. I loved the culture and everthing about they way they organised themselves really appealed to me, but I couldn't get my head around the language with baby brain and found it really hard to learn. All the the friendly Dutch people I met spoke perfect English and switched to that whenever I tried to practice and TBH, I didn't blame them. I did voluntary work and excellent fun conversations would stop dead when I joined in as people switched to English pleasantries, then back to Dutch to talk about the fun stuff... Luckily, I did meet wonderful people at Dutch lessons- from Kenya, Germany and Poland, which brings me to my second point. Amsterdam is one of the world's most international cities and there is a HUGE expat community there, with people from all over the world. It's an ever-shifting population and local Dutch people tend to give us a bit of a swerve, knowing I guess, that people can move on. That might be different in the suburbs, but in the centre of town life's pretty transient. I would suggest hooking up with the expat mums at the international schools if you can't crack Dutch. You'd be surprised what a broad church that is and you might find it easier to integrate. Some of those people will have Dutch spouses and work colleagues and you might make more friends that way?

I also second giving the seasons a chance. Winters in Amsterdam are brutal and when the seasons change and everyone gets out onto the canals again it's one of the most joyful places on earth. Hire a boat and get stuck in with some beirtjes and borrel... I think you'll find it a totally different place.