Too early to call it quits?

[OneGoldKoala]

I moved from London to another European city just over three months ago and I hate it so much. Moved for husband’s job, naively expected to find a community for me and my toddler but despite going to regular classes etc just haven’t really found anyone.

Moving back is an option but we sold up (seemed like a good idea at the time) and DH much prefers it here to the UK. He has been working here much longer than three months!!!!

I miss my old life so much - I had such a community, lots of friends (made from baby & toddler classes) and had so much to do. Now I feel like I’m just wandering aimlessly looking for things to do.

I know it takes time and eventually I won’t be crying every day BUT I’ve started to wonder if the crying stops when you just accept that this is reality. That it isn’t necessarily better, it’s just been a year and you’re stuck but at least you know your way around the grocery store now.

I’ve joined groups, am learning the language, going to regular toddler classes but I’m hitting a brick wall and it’s so disheartening because I’ve always, always had lots of friends but I just don’t seem to be able to get past small talk here.

So basically, do I cut my losses and just go (obvs with DH) or do I stick it out and just accept that eventually it’ll just become normal even if it isn’t what I want?

I’m also hugely mourning the loss of all of the things I hadn’t even considered before I came like my DC wearing a school uniform on his first day and being able to understand his conversation with his friends when they come
over for play dates.

Hi OP,
Okay so I don't live in NL, but very nearly moved there, unfortunately it fell through. But I did find Amsterdam quite busy, have you tried visiting Leiden it's only 30 mins away and is great for children and a lovely international vibe there too. There some brill museums (corpus, the biodiversity center etc) and the beach is not too far away and Duinrell is always fun for a day away. A little bit further on ( but only an hour on the train) there is the hague, which is hugely international and a really large ex pat community there and is a really good international school there too. You may not want to move town but if finding a community in Amsterdam is tricky maybe there is a community or a club in leiden or hague that you can get to easily enough.

I'm from the Netherlands, and my DH is British. He moved to Amsterdam to be with me - I am from a small town originally, so the city was quite new to me too. He really didn't love it, because of the language, but also because it does feel like Dutch people are quite cliquey. And even me, being Dutch, didn't really meet that many people in the city.

While I had my childhood friends from my small town, and he got along with them, most of his friends were expats met through work - almost none of them Dutch.

I found moving to London and making mum friends (we didn't have kids in Amsterdam, but have a toddler now) much easier, people seem a lot more open to hang out and meet new people.

I would give it a bit more time, maybe try:

• Joining a book club
• Team sport
• Mum FB groups in Amsterdam
• Social contacts through your DH work?

I hope it works out, it is really a family-friendly country and I really enjoyed growing up there as a kid (ironically even if I'm in London now and love it).

i agree with previous posters about waiting longer, especially now that the weather will start to improve.

and also about trying to become friends with non Dutch people that you’ll likely meet in a language school.

I’ve lived in the UK for 25 years and have always struggled to become true friends with English people, but there’s something about meeting other foreigners that will immediately bring you closer together.

there must be groups of English speaking mums getting together.

good luck!

So exactly like the U.K. to outsiders then…..

@Portugal1987 has made an excellent point about team sports. If I had my time again (and I would move back in a heartbeat) I would join a rowing club and get out onto the Amstel. Brilliant fun, great exercise and a way to meet badass women!

In fairness to your husband, I think you need to give it at least 6mths before you start planning on returning home because moving away from friends, family and culture is one heck of a big move to make.

I would also work a bit harder on my Dutch. I had friends that went away to a convent where nuns ran an immersive course that seemed to work really well - I wonder if that is still a thing?

Having lived in two different countries (now back in the UK) it takes about a year to settle.

having moved back to the uk (not to where we originally lived) it’s taken a year also.

Hang on in there. Make a decision after a year as then you will really know if it’s where you want to be.

https://www.iamsterdam.com/en/live-work-study/in-amsterdam/partner-list/all/partners/language-institute-regina-coeli

It's a thing!

@Brooklyn70 same experience here about the U.K.
Usually told it’s all me/where I live because Brits are all oh so welcoming 🙄🙄

@OneGoldKoala theres no way you’re going to integrate in a new country wo speaking the language. You can’t exiect Dutch peoole to always speak in English to you, socialise in English etc… even if they speak oerfect English. You’re in the Netherland afterall.

YY to the fact it’s much easier to make friends who are foreigners, have some foreign roots or at meats have travelled a lot themselves.

After that, I think it takes at least 6 months to find your feet and not always wonder how the heck things are working.
Feeling settled takes even longer.

Does it mean you should stay? I dint know tbh. But you certainly need a long agd hard talk with your dh about it.
Remembering that now you’re living in the Netherland, you cannot just pick your stuff and your child up and move back to the U.K. UNLESS the father agrees to it. So however it ends up, you might be stuck in Amsterdam for a while…..

Hey, sorry for your loss of your old home. They say (and from my experience) it takes 4 years or so to settle into a new place. I have found that it is possible with lots of effort to find a local community. The school community will probably help you, especially if it is a bit international. Work or volunteering (even basic stuff) can help. Studying in groups (say art/ photography/ dog training/ other interests etc) could help.

It is hard. Also, when your child goes to school it’s a whole new culture you learn through their education. And some will rub you the wrong way. Other bits might be really good. Stay in touch with your gang at home. You’re good to have made these friends.

It’s important your partner listens to you too as you are the one who stands for the whole family I feel, rather than just his job/ personal life. So it affects how your child grows up.

We took a pay cut to move back to the U.K. for several years so we could extract our child from a certain education system that was quite negative for us (very old fashioned).

Good luck.

This!! Parkrun tends to be expat Brits on the whole!!

@StarlingTheConqueror , i’m lucky i live in london and there’s never been a lack for foreigners.

but you have to be prepared to get your heart broken, as most people end up leaving.

don’t get me wrong, i’ve met wonderful English people at work, but it’s never developed into a friendship outside of work.

We lived in Germany for 8 years when DC was small. On things like school uniform/first day at school etc, just think how proud you will be of DC when they are fluent in a second language-I used to love listening to mine playing with friends and trying to understand them! Country specific festivals and things are so much more special when you celebrate them within a school environment.
One thing we did find is that due to subsidised nurseries/generous maternity leave a lot of mums seemed to return to work as the toddler years began (this may not apply in Holland of course). You may well find that you meet people through nursery school, children’s parties etc.
I definitely think that once the weather gets nicer you will enjoy your time more-you only really need to meet one or two friends and it is then so much easier to make more!
Not sure if you are religious but there are usually English speaking churches (like this one I just googled-not recommending 😂) https://libertychurch.amsterdam/ which often have other international families or students to meet up with.
Good luck, hope it works out for you 😀

We moved to the Netherlands with 3 DCs (then aged 1, 3 and 6) and stayed for 5 years. We were in a large village/small town outside Rotterdam where I worked

The first 3 months were incredibly hard. Everything was alien. We had admin problems registering as resident meaning we couldnt buy a car. Our money got lost for a while (employer's fault) meaning we had little to live on for a few weeks.

DCs went to the local primary school. This was absolutely the best decision for us. It helped us to be seen as part of the community rather than separate expats. My dreadful Dutch was forgiven when I said that DCs were at the local school.

I’m told by those that have done it it takes 4 years to fit/slot in. Gotta be in it for the long haul.

Lots of parkruns in Netherlands and they tend to attract brits abroad, go volunteer on Saturday. It’s easy.

Page 3 | To move home 3 months after emigrating? | Mumsnet

I’ve lived abroad twice (not the Netherlands although one country was close) and I think you have to start with expat friendships.

Making friends with natives is possible but hard and takes a lot of time - I find people who haven’t lived abroad themselves don’t seem to fully understand this. It took me several years and when I did make native friends I met most of them through work.

Do you have any interest in theatre or music? There are English-speaking groups in Amsterdam (my friend was in one) so perhaps give one of those a go.

Good luck.

Having moved a lot globally, 3 months is nothing. An international school is far better if your worries are not understanding your child's friends. You'll also meet more expats who can help you integrate. Also learning Dutch is a bit pointless as not a useful language outside of a tiny number of countries (I speak it fluently but rarely use it).

Stick it out for a year and if you still feel the same at least you'll have given it your best shot. The school uniform photo is a bit silly tbh.

Three months is not long to be comfortable in a new language. I think Dutch sounds strange to our ears but I don’t think that it’s a particularly hard language. Would it be possible to find a particular interest that you can immerse yourself in? Sometimes that makes learning a language easier

Have you explored https://amsterdam-mamas.nl/?

OP I have been in your shoes exactly. DH, DC and I (British) moved from London to another European city for his work. We had both lived in other parts of Europe, and the rest of the world, before so being an expat wasn’t new to us. However I struggled massively. I remember being ok in the day, holding it together for DCs, then when DH returned from his job just bursting into tears. Night after night. This went on for about 4 months, then another 2 months of feeling ok but not great. I told myself just make it to a year and then leave, with or without DH.

However I slowly fell in love with living there, then 7 years later cried at having to leave and return to London. Please stick it out. You will make friends eventually, the best ones I made were not from the expat community as they tend to come and go. I made great friends with our neighbours.

Many years after returning to London, DCs, now grown up teens, spend their summers in our old town visiting their lifelong friends and neighbours who they grew up with.

Please set yourself a target, stick it out until say July, and then reassess. This will make you a much stronger more resilient person if you can try to stick at it.

I have noticed a lack of stay at home mums which is surprising but also not as no one I know at home is one.

Loads of great suggestions, mostly stuff I’ve tried but will persevere.

Deep down I know where I want to be.

I felt like this when I moved from London to Leeds, can’t imagine what it must feel like to be stuck in another country!
I was back in London within 1.5 years, didn’t really give the city a chance as I was so devastated by the loss of my old life that I was doing everything not to settle in the new place.