Too early to call it quits?

[OneGoldKoala]

I moved from London to another European city just over three months ago and I hate it so much. Moved for husband’s job, naively expected to find a community for me and my toddler but despite going to regular classes etc just haven’t really found anyone.

Moving back is an option but we sold up (seemed like a good idea at the time) and DH much prefers it here to the UK. He has been working here much longer than three months!!!!

I miss my old life so much - I had such a community, lots of friends (made from baby & toddler classes) and had so much to do. Now I feel like I’m just wandering aimlessly looking for things to do.

I know it takes time and eventually I won’t be crying every day BUT I’ve started to wonder if the crying stops when you just accept that this is reality. That it isn’t necessarily better, it’s just been a year and you’re stuck but at least you know your way around the grocery store now.

I’ve joined groups, am learning the language, going to regular toddler classes but I’m hitting a brick wall and it’s so disheartening because I’ve always, always had lots of friends but I just don’t seem to be able to get past small talk here.

So basically, do I cut my losses and just go (obvs with DH) or do I stick it out and just accept that eventually it’ll just become normal even if it isn’t what I want?

I’m also hugely mourning the loss of all of the things I hadn’t even considered before I came like my DC wearing a school uniform on his first day and being able to understand his conversation with his friends when they come
over for play dates.

I knew it was going to be the Netherlands. I spent nearly 6 years trying to make it work and it was miserable, like a prison sentence.

It’s so hard to make friends and connections other than expats because everyone has their “kring” and don’t tend to expand on that. And you will find even more to be miserable about if you’re miserable now.

I really think expats either love or loathe the Netherlands and for me it was definitely the latter. I was so, so glad to come back to the UK.

As an expat I can only speak from my experience so here it is…

Yeah you were exceptionally naive and now it’s not what you dreamed it would be you now cry every day and hate it. OP it won’t get better with this mindset. I know it’s hard and I know it hurts but you are in a homesickness spiral. You knew you wouldn’t have any friends or speak the language and you have given it no time to settle in.

Amsterdam is an intentional city and loads speak English - find an expat group that will help loads.

Language isn’t the main issue. I moved from English speaking to the UK and the culture shock was real.

Everyone is settled into their lives and you have come with big expectations. Give it time.

Honestly the key to getting over homesickness is to stop the complaining and comparisons. I know it sounds harsh but guarantee that everyone I know who has started to accept where they are starts to feel better. Accept you are there and how to find how amazing a city Amsterdam is. Use this time to explore the country and Europe.

I would say English school would be best for your daughter. A lot of Dutch mums don’t work so you can make friends but three months is nothing.

Genuine question - what did you expect?

Im Irish...I know two couples who have lived in the Netherlands, in both cases the trailing spouse was the husband.
Couple one...I think a stay at home dad 30 years ago was a novelty at toddler groups.
Couple two...the wife had a tech job and had small twins who went to nursery. The husband got a factory job. Of the 4 people he was the one who was able to learn Dutch.
With St Patrick's Day coming up...is there an Irish community locally? Is there a parade where people might at least smile at you?
I have been a trailing spouse on a few short term assignments. I hated Washington with toddlers. Less so England but nobody spoke to me at school pick ups! It is frustrating but hopefully spring and summer will improve things.

I had the same experience in an english speaking country. I really tried but I just couldn't crack it. From my perspective - the longer you leave it the harder it will be to convince your husband to leave. We came very close to splitting up over it.

At three months you don't even really have your feet on the ground. In my experience, things start feeling better at the end of the first year.

Agree with others about trying to find a bit of an international community and other expats, parkrun, some kind of volunteering. Believe it or not, Brits don't tend to be the most open-armed welcoming society ever 😂. Our first year here was really lonely, even without a language barrier. As others have asked, does your DH have friends or a social circle from work? That was a lifesaver for me at first.

Also, what kind of neighbourhood are you living in? We moved to South Ken/Knightsbridge, which seemed good on paper, but was the least welcoming neighbourhood ever. I was much happier when we moved to a more family friendly area.

It's also easy to idealise home when you're unhappy, so keep that in mind.

i think you have to adjust your expectations on making friends in general

3 months is nothing to build a relationship called a friendship and I say so as someone who makes friends easily. It’s barely an acquaintance. So I’m confused how you can be mourning not being able to make friends in 3 months.

I bet most welcoming and open minded are Australians, Americans, Spanish, Italian and people from Latin America and possibly the Middle East
😁

Ah come home OP. It’s isolating enough as a SAHM without chucking yourself in another country where you don’t speak the language. I moved down south when I was pregnant and found it so difficult to meet people and make friends when my first born was very young. It makes me sad to look back on baby photos of us for the first two years where we are pretty much always alone even though I went to every baby and toddler group going. Things got a lot better at school but my mental health was really bad at one point.

One massive difference between the UK and the Netherlands is that many UK mums will take almost a year off work (if not SAHM) whereas in the Netherlands it is about 4/5 months.

It leaves little time to bond with them once the newborn craze is over. Expats are your go-to!

I could have written this post myself.

We moved for my husbands work to France almost a year ago. I'm a SAHM to a toddler. First 6 months were so lonely, I dont speak the language, I would go to classes run for mums and meet only nannies. It was so depressing. Then I met another mum friend randomly at the park, then another. What's helped has been putting my son in creche here two days a week, starting volunteering for a charity where they need english speakers, and trying to focus on myself. It will get better, I promise. Culture shock is a thing. Haplg to chat offline if helpful.

It sounds like you‘ve never lived abroad and this is your first taste of expat life and you don’t come from a background with friends who’ve done this before either.

I feel for you but you do come across as „glass half empty“ tbh. Mourning your child not being in school uniform - come on girl, dust yourself off and look at what’s on offer!!

Join the MN expat forum and connect with some of them locally. Try and find an English speaking circle or look at what your embassy or high commission are offering. I once joined the Brit Pack Sports Team when I lived abroad - a group of young professionals organised bathe local chamber of commerce in an SE Asian country.

Could you get a volunteering job (teaching English?) or do some part time work in a little shop (volunteering again) to build your Dutch up. I learnt Danish in a similar way and that’s a comparable language in terms of difficulty.

The Dutch are lovely - please give it time. I have a friend who lived in A‘dam. Do you want me to reach out and ask her? Please don’t lose heart - yes it’s to early to call it quits. 💐

I would consider moving neighbourhoods, OP. My Dutch friend, whose children were all born and raised in London, moved back when her kids were in their teens, after her divorce. and even she found it incredibly challenging. But she lives in Amstelveen which has a lot of expats (her own children tend to mix with non-Dutch children and her daughter's boyfriend is Columbian. I think they're just such Londoners, despite speaking the language. The schooling has been a bit not so straightforward as well... it's a weird system).
I would try moving to a more 'expatty' area before giving up.

Have you joined Amsterdam Mamas Facebook group? It’s literally the gold standard in expat social media groups. Loads of mums in your position and they are looking for more volunteers at the moment so if you are interested it will massively expand your network.

Don’t worry too much about learning Dutch right now. As you’ve probably realised you barely need a word of it. In fact it drives us mad that if you order in Dutch in a cafe in Amsterdam no one will understand you as they all only speak English.

You’re coming up to the best weather and seasons there. I blog about Amsterdam for families so there’s loads of inspiration here for things to do with itineraries and more (search the kids section)

https://amsterdamwonderland.com/

its going to be ok. Winter in Amsterdam is tough but Spring is just round the corner.

I lived abroad for ten years and even once you’ve learnt the language it’s still hard to truly integrate, you’re always the stranger…well where I lived anyway. There was an ex-pat community but that can be quite alien too, but if you throw yourself into it you can make friends. We moved back when I was pregnant and that in itself has been hard as i don’t have old friends here and I haven’t made other mum friends so I think it can be difficult wherever you are but once you factor in different language and culture (the parenting style in the country I lived is different to here) it becomes harder. Im glad I moved back as I find negotiating parenthood easier in my own country. Personally I found the first year living abroad idyllic and then it got harder once I had the day to day mundanities to deal with (bills, boiler repairs, rentals etc), in another language all that becomes more tiring although I was alone at the time so it’s different. Could you view it more as short term (I think that takes the pressure off) and really
throw yourself into the ex-pat community and then reassess in a year?

And what is DH doing to help with social integration if he loves it that much? He must have friends? Does he socialise outside work?

I lived in NL with a 2 yr old and a 1 yr old. Even with a Dutch husband and not living in an area where people spoke English widely (Limburg) I still didn’t get to grips with Dutch beyond intermediate level.

So after only 3 months and living in an area where English is spoken so widely I would pause the language learning and just enjoy living in a new country, go and see the tulip fields. Museums, canal stuff, just a coffee out. Yes on your own if you can’t find other expats. And if it’s not for you long term that’s fine as well.

Stop putting pressure on yourself and take it day by day. I would give it a year and if you’re still unhappy move back to uk. Your dh will make it work with his job.

It's way too early to call it quits.
On top of which summer is on the way and there will be a lot more opportunities for you to meet other mum when the weather picks up.
You've been there for the winter months only so I would stay for at least one year before calling it quits.

I have lived in Bahrain, UAE, US, Switzerland & Ireland. Easiest places to live & make friends were Bahrain & UAE b/c of large English-speaking expat community who were very welcoming. Worst was Switzerland as Swiss not interested in making friends with non-Swiss, & Swiss-German is impossible to learn (too many local dialects). In both Ireland & US, even though langiage was not an issue, it took YEARS before we made any real US / Irish friends, inspite of both of us trying very hard.
I would suggest trying to join any / all expat groips you can (you can always drop out of ones you don't like). Not just mother & baby but any clubs you can find - book clubs, crafts, gardening, cooking, etc. Eventually you will find some people you like. Remember that there are other English-speaking people who have felt exactly as you do, so all you need to do is figure out how to connect with them Don't waste time trying to learn enough Dutch to try to break into long-established Dutch friendship groups, (waste of time) you only need enough for shopping, transport, etc.

When I moved back to the UK after over a decade away, it took a good few years to settle back in. And that is without language barrier. 3 months is nothing. Its normal to think about what you miss, but if you get stuck on that thinking, you will make yourself more unhappy.

I would say it isn't a great sign if you are already unhappy. Usually the first months are the 'honeymoon' period where it feels like an extended holiday while you are finding your feet and still interested and excited by new things and the differences.

It is possible that being in the city is part of it. Unless you've come from London or one of the other big cities in the UK, a lot of it might be city living. They tend not to be so easy to find a community. I know someone who moved out of their new country's capital to a more 'commuting' town when they got pregnant. The husband has a longer train journey, but still under an hour. For her though, it made a big difference as she finally got a 'local' experience where she could feel more at home in a smaller town. It was easier to make friends and feel a part of the community when she saw the same people on a regular basis just in daily life.

Also, the school uniform is a mad thing to be sad about. It's one of the great things of not living in the UK! No uniforms to pay for, no ironing, bliss!

At least a year. Bare minimum.

im pretty adventurous but I know it can be hard.

three months is not very long so I would give it a while like pp have said to do.

if ovule ike art it would help!

you said you could move back with DH but what. would that involve?

Also - what. would it mean fro DH work?

Some really good advice on here OP. I was a trailing spouse in a town (not a city, and I think that does make a difference) in the Netherlands and we had a coffee morning that was essentially for trailing spouses. Then people I met there knew people who knew people etc. and our social circle expanded. Some became lifelong friends and a part of me will always mourn the fact that I have never again had the support network I had in the Netherlands with young children.
Our neighbours were lovely (their daughter was our babysitter), our children went to nursery and swimming lessons and toddler music group so they (and I) had Dutch friends too. We went everywhere by bike (I've never been so fit, with one child on the back and one on the front!) and that's still something I miss, years later. I've never lived anywhere so cycle friendly since.

I threw myself into the whole trailing spouse thing, determined to wring every ounce of happiness I could out of Dutch life (despite being in floods of tears at leaving my friends and work in the UK before I went) and it was a magical time.

Good luck, you've arrived at the grimmest part of the year. The only way is up.

It’s so hard when you’re the trailing spouse. We’ve done two international moves, both with DH’s job, and he’s always settled easily but I think it’s because he’s had the challenge of a new job to keep him busy and also the daily structure.

You mentioned schooling, both our DC have been in nursery in an international school and we’ve made a lot of friends there. Most of the parents are in the same boat and are so friendly. Our eldest has now moved to local school and people are much more closed, there’s very little small talk at the school gates and I do feel like an outsider.

We’ve been abroad 10 years now and can’t imagine going back to the UK, something I never thought I’d think. It is a process, give it a year and reassess.