Leaving my children

[Adaugo]

I have a job opportunity to move abroad, the issue is for the first year I will need to go without my family, I have two children 6 and 9, and would need to leave them for 10 months with my husband. I am really reluctant to go because I cannot imagine being without my kids. I will be able to visit every three months, for about two weeks, so will see three times during that period, but it is not the same. My husband is very eager, because financially we would probably save a significant amount of money from my salary alone 70-80k that year, and then after the year my family could potentially relocate to my location or I would return to the UK. The savings potential would really helps us to be able to get on the property ladder, but I feel like I am choosing between money and my children. Has any mother lived away from the children for a period of time ? how did the kids cope ? was it worth being separated. I know financially it is an amazing deal, but I don’t want it to be at the cost of my children’s emotional stability.

Why do you need to leave them behind? Surely they could come with you with DH as primary carer?

What country?

Unfortunately people will judge while your DH becomes a hero. (Whereas the other way round he will be praised for bringing in the money)

DH works away. DD2 hates it. She can get very angry about the whole thing (she's 10 now, and this has been most of her life. DH wasn't even at her birth.) DD1 (now nearly 12) is more stoic about it. But both if them don't completely rely on DH to be there for things.

They have also had to be a lot more independent than a lot of children their age... which is both good and bad.

I personally wouldn't do it

I dont want to get into the reasons whym but it is not by choice and due to getting a visa for all of us. At this time it will only be possible for me.

I wouldn't. My Dad did this when I was 10 and I hated it. If you were in financial dire straits and this was literally the only way you could fix your family's finances, then maybe, but it doesn't sound that this is the case here.

Why can't you all go? I'm assuming it's the Middle East? Maybe Neom? Although the only coming home every three months makes it sound more like an oil rig!

The three month gaps make it too much for me, really.

(sorry I just saw you answered the question about the visa above)

Dont want to reveal the country, just so I dont out myself. Im sorry to hear your DD2 is not not handling it well, is it your long term plan to continue having DH work abroad ? For us it would only be a year well from August until June. My kids rely on me for everything, I am much more hands on than my DH, so I am also worried about him having to take over for that length of time; he tells me his up for it, and we have a lots of support around us; it would be a huge sacrifice but change our financial position immensely.

You'd save 80k and you don't own your own home. Go for it. You'd have 3 lots of 2 weeks at home with them and get them to fly to you for any other school holidays or weekends here and there.

No I wouldn't. They change so much in a year at that age and rememebrr to a 8 year old a year is 1/9 of their life. So like 5 years to me. It's SUCH a long time and they will feel you abandoned them. A year without you being there for all the little things of daily life. I really wouldn't.

My husband worked mon-fri away for a while and was like a visitor at the weekends - he changed job eventually to be able to be there and is fab now.

You'd be seeing them 3-4 times a year, that's like a distant relative.

Unless they're Already in boarding school and this is their normality I wouldn't do this.

I mean I wouldnt say we were in financial dire straits at all..I would say that we get by and could continue to do so, but this money would enable us to get a property in a decent area in London. How long was your Dad away for ? would you think that a year away would be that damaging ...this is my thought as well, but I have been told im overthinking it... and it will be a short term sacrifice for long term gain. I know men do it all the time, but I have never heard of a woman doing it, working abroad away from their children.

Why don’t you ask them? If they burst into tears at the thought, you will have your answer.

Posters saying they would feel you abandoned them are being ridiculous. You know your kids OP. Talk to them, of course they'd rather you stayed but you can change their whole lives and yours, this is an opportunity to do that and as a parent you make these difficult decisions.

My kids aren't at all traumatised by their dad working away. We make the time he is home count and they know why he does it, to give us the lovely home/lifestyle that we have.

You can always come back and it is temporary. Give it a try

I would never do this. I have two young children and every minute is precious with them. Money will never buy back the heartache they will feel when you are away and you would have to trust DH to manage which sounds unlikely.

This is the only reason why I am considering it, we would be able to buy a property, that would probably take us three more years to save up towards

Plenty of mothers do, often both parents leaving the kids with grandparents throughout the world. Whether it's a choice that is ok for your family, especially when it's an elective choice rather than necessity is a separate matter.

It will be a tough choice for sure, I think your current financial situation comes into play and how hands on your dh is

@Adaugo

I think this is very much dependent on your personal circumstances as you will get people on either side of the fence.
It sounds like a great opportunity but I would sit down and speak to your kids about it and see how they feel (let them know it is only temporary as well).
Do you think you will get homesick and worry the whole time you are away?
But also do you think you will be kicking yourself if you don't go for it?
There's always WhatsApp, facecam apps etc to keep in touch, you can do that every evening before bed.

You are right time is precious with them, and I cant imagine not seeing them everyday

I would not do this at their age OP. They are still so young and as you have said, you have always been their primary caregiver so the attachment rupture is likely to be significant.

For me it would depend on lots of factors; is DH involved enough in day to day life to take over? Is the money life changingly significant? Which country? Can your family come to you between your visits home?

If it was me I'd do it as it's short term and will hugely benefit your family in the long run. There's always FaceTime and emails and texts and they can ring you.

I know one woman who did this, but she was in France and so was home regularly and her kids were teenagers.

I know plenty of men who do it. I couldn't bear it (and I'm the breadwinner, so I've done my share of being away). I once had to leave ds when he was 8 for 2 nights and he had a complete meltdown and I said I would never do it again. Now, I might add, he's nearly 18 and claiming he'll leave for university and never come back, so maybe my sacrifices have all been for nothing 😃

There's no right answer but I do think with your DH not currently being very hands on it could be tough.

I would definitely do it. It's just 10 months and it will help you to get in the property ladder. You can recover the time lost when they relocate with you.

IF you value money over your children, go. If, however, you realise that children need their mother and that you could manage on the money you've got now, stay and be a proper mother.

Perhaps selfishly, I could do this if it was a job I absolutely loved and felt I had to do e.g. making a movie or some kind of scientific expedition or something I was utterly called to which would absorb me enough to feel worth it. I wouldn't do it just for the money. So I'd do it for intrinsic satisfaction but not for extrinsic. For the DC, it is tricky at that age as it's quite a lovely age to be with them, but every three months with lots of remote contact in between could work if the dad really stepped up and had other support systems in place. Really depends on the nature of your relationship. I could probably get away with it, but DH is more of a primary carer then yours sounds and DC are older.

If getting a property mattered, there are other ways to get the money, and I'd shift the parameters of where in London (or indeed out of London) I was happy to live rather than suck up this working arrangement, which could break the home up anyway. I understand how parents work abroad for money when they're much poorer e.g. a Thai friend works here and sends money home for her DC who is living with her grandma, which isn't ideal either but feels more understandable when they're much more skint than OP. I feel like OP has more options available and can probably make more money without such a drastic step.

@HoneybeesAndBluebells I would worry but I am worrier, I worry about everything..the thought about leaving them feels me with dread.

My DH is not as hands on as me, I am the one that does all their homework with them, organises playdates, school stuff etc. It would be an adjustment for my DH too, he seems very comitted to doing it, he already cooks, cleans, takes them to school, baths them from time to time, takes them for school activities, so maybe saying he isnt hands on is not very fair... I guess as mum I kinda feel my role is more significant somehow.... me just being the mum.

I am actually terrifed to have the conversation with my kids.... actually my son left for a school trip today, he will be gone for 8 days, I asked my daughter if she would miss her brother and she said she is okay with her brother going away, but not me or her dad ever. My heart broke thinking of what we are considering.

For me, the fact that you could save up in three years, makes me wonder whether the sacrifice of a year away from the children is really worth it..