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Living overseas

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Original poster

Leaving my children

123 replies

Adaugo · 29/05/2023 10:57

I have a job opportunity to move abroad, the issue is for the first year I will need to go without my family, I have two children 6 and 9, and would need to leave them for 10 months with my husband. I am really reluctant to go because I cannot imagine being without my kids. I will be able to visit every three months, for about two weeks, so will see three times during that period, but it is not the same. My husband is very eager, because financially we would probably save a significant amount of money from my salary alone 70-80k that year, and then after the year my family could potentially relocate to my location or I would return to the UK. The savings potential would really helps us to be able to get on the property ladder, but I feel like I am choosing between money and my children. Has any mother lived away from the children for a period of time ? how did the kids cope ? was it worth being separated. I know financially it is an amazing deal, but I don’t want it to be at the cost of my children’s emotional stability.

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 29/05/2023 12:42

I cant imagine not seeing them everyday

Okay, so this and your other post just now says you're not cut out to do this. Definitely don't even consider it. It's a waste of time/energy exploring this path as you're not gonna do it so it's irrelevant. It'd be different if you were more hands off and had time away from them already for your career, but just the thought of it is making you heartbroken so forget about it and focus on more realistic ways to get on the ladder.

PinkFootstool · 29/05/2023 12:42

Armed Forces families manage pretty well, including mums who deploy. You might get more mum-related answers on a Forces forum (the topic on here is dead).

Personally, I think you should go. Worst case scenario, could you walk off the contract or would the penalties be too high?

It's only a matter of a few months, video calling is a part of daily life so you can see them that way, you'll be home 3 times for a fortnight at a time. That's way more than many other families would get and the long term benefits of this are huge.

Could they also come out to visit you in country at some point?

Iwasafool · 29/05/2023 12:44

Can they visit you? If you visit every three months and they can do a visit inbetween it would be easier.

Pinkdelight3 · 29/05/2023 12:46

If they fly out to visit her in between that's spending the money they're meant to be saving up, rendering the exercise pointless as well as painful. I'm not anti such things in principle and would possibly do it myself, but OP sounds much more hands on and I really don't think this is the way to go for her emotionally.

justanothernamechangemonday · 29/05/2023 12:46

No way would I do this. I wouldn't entertain my husband thinking about doing it, and I definitely wouldn't.

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 29/05/2023 12:47

It's 43 weeks less 6 less visiting someone 37 weeks.

For 80k so 2.1k per week you are away from them.

If it were me, I would the following-

  1. Be honest about your resilience - will you be happy to deal with new job,new country and away from your children
  2. Have a family plan - childcare, etc, ensure that everything is covered so kids lives continue with as little disruption as possible
  3. Set time for facetime or zoom every single day
  4. Sent a treat parcel home for the kids every few weeks
  5. Religiously stick to the savings plan- no point in going if it doesn't give you the 80k

It's short term sacrifice for medium term gain - if you can accept that & are comfortable with that then go, if not then maybe it's not worth it.

toomuchlaundry · 29/05/2023 12:48

Those saying men do it all the time, there is no way DH would have contemplated it.

Pinkdelight3 · 29/05/2023 12:49

I know financially it is an amazing deal

I don't even know if this is true. If someone said I'll pay you to not see your DC for a year, I'd want them to cough up more than £80k. It's only £200 a day plus change. I know you're making more than that overall, but if this is the 'tax' for not seeing the DC for so long, I'd wanna really be raking it in.

Motnight · 29/05/2023 12:49

Adaugo · 29/05/2023 12:14

This is the only reason why I am considering it, we would be able to buy a property, that would probably take us three more years to save up towards

Show quote history

So if you don't take the job, it will take you around 3 years more to save what you need?

I am old, have been through the ages that your kids are now. In your shoes I wouldn't do it. There are so many unknowns about how your kids will actually react, emergencies or just day to day life stuff that they will want you there for

Foxesandsquirrels · 29/05/2023 12:51

Never. My mum did this. It messed us all up.

lemonyellows · 29/05/2023 12:53

There is no way I would do this to my kids

dreamingbohemian · 29/05/2023 12:55

Not a chance in hell

This isn't your only way to get a house, it's just a quicker way. No way would I miss a year of my DC life just to get a house a couple years quicker.

Your daughter just told you she never wants you to go away, are you not listening to her?

It would be different if you were already the main breadwinner working long hours and not home much, and your DH was their main caregiver, but that's not the case. At their ages it's kind of the worst time to go, they are old enough to understand you have left them but not old enough to understand why you might need to.

dreamingbohemian · 29/05/2023 12:55

If someone said I'll pay you to not see your DC for a year, I'd want them to cough up more than £80k.

Totally agree.

Daffodilmorning · 29/05/2023 12:56

I wouldn’t even consider it (unless it was the only possible way to feed my children etc).

Having you with them is worth far more than money and 10 months is a lifetime for little kids. I’d say the same if you were a dad asking too.

Dodo2023 · 29/05/2023 12:57

Children are resilient at their age. The weeks will fly by. Just because you are the go to parent now doesn’t mean your husband isn’t able to. Only you know what’s best for your family but it could work out better for you all in the end. If it was your husband what would you advise him to do?

Adifferentheadspace · 29/05/2023 12:59

I couldn’t do this, not unless we were on the breadline and it was literally the only way forward to survive.

OhComeOnFFS · 29/05/2023 12:59

I wouldn't do it, no matter how much I was offered. You can't put a monetary value on this, OP. You're their mum and they rely on you and love you - do you really think they'd give a damn about having a house instead?

You say you could still have that house in three years' time, so it's not as though it's otherwise forever out of reach.

I think if you do it, your relationship with your children will change for good, tbh.

Midnightpony · 29/05/2023 13:02

Furrydogmum · 29/05/2023 12:41

For me, the fact that you could save up in three years, makes me wonder whether the sacrifice of a year away from the children is really worth it..

I was thinking the same

Chocolateisnice · 29/05/2023 13:04

I would. It will be so hard, but three months goes by so fast, especially when the kids are at school.
Of course it will be so hard but if it will help you financially I think it is worth it.
Maybe save a few thousand at the end to go on an amazing long holiday like Bali.

EggInANest · 29/05/2023 13:05

I wouldn’t consider this for 5 minutes.

Not unless we were actually unable to feed our kids or put any kind of safe roof over their heads.

I would miss them so much I would be unable to give of my best at work.

My heart would break thinking of them missing me.

I would fear everlasting guilt

I would not be confident that my marriage would be the same, you can’t know how you will feel: resentment/ obligation on either side, all sorts.

I wouldn’t want my DH to go either. I know forces families live with this, hence my choice not to be a forces family.

Freshfoods · 29/05/2023 13:05

I really wouldn't do this. If it means you need to save up for 3 years then just save up. There's no way I would ever have even thought about being away from my children when they were young. I would have been heartbroken not seeing them every day.

AgentProvocateur · 29/05/2023 13:06

Be aware that if you’re going to a tax-free country in the ME, you need to
be away for a whole tax year - ie April 2024-April 2025 and there are limits to how many days you can be in the U.K. each year.

Cardifflost · 29/05/2023 13:06

I would do it. It would give your husband the chance to have a different relationship with the kids, you get on the property ladder and you will experience a whole range of things in your job and life. Modern technology means you can be facetious them all the time as well its not like they will receive a letter every 6 months. But it needs to be presented as a positive thing to lids not something you feel guilty about. Doesn't mean to say you don't talk about missing them etc but don't set it up as something they can guilt trip you about because it is wrong . That would be more confusing as you're telling them you're doing something dreadful rather than difficult but overall positive.

CosmosQueen · 29/05/2023 13:07

I wouldn’t even if I thought my DH capable (he wasn’t 🤬)
Unless the children came too I would not even consider it (not bothered if it was DH going!)

Peachy2005 · 29/05/2023 13:08

I wouldn’t:- you may not know the effects on the children till later on in the teenage years and it’s too late then.

The kids probably don’t care about a great property in a good area of London: I’d think they’d rather have their mum.

The fact that your DH is so gung-ho for it says to me that he doesn’t get the importance of your bond with your kids versus the money. He’s making a lot of promises…are you confident he’ll truly be “there” for them the way you would?

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