Leaving my children

[Adaugo]

I have a job opportunity to move abroad, the issue is for the first year I will need to go without my family, I have two children 6 and 9, and would need to leave them for 10 months with my husband. I am really reluctant to go because I cannot imagine being without my kids. I will be able to visit every three months, for about two weeks, so will see three times during that period, but it is not the same. My husband is very eager, because financially we would probably save a significant amount of money from my salary alone 70-80k that year, and then after the year my family could potentially relocate to my location or I would return to the UK. The savings potential would really helps us to be able to get on the property ladder, but I feel like I am choosing between money and my children. Has any mother lived away from the children for a period of time ? how did the kids cope ? was it worth being separated. I know financially it is an amazing deal, but I don’t want it to be at the cost of my children’s emotional stability.

Boarding school at 6 and 9 would be very unusual these days... and with good reason!

Also at boarding school everyone is in the same boat - in this case they'll be the only ones not having mum to go home to each day.

And yes people would say if it was a dad!!! We got lots of comments for the stint my husband did mon-fri and friends have mentioned how much they hated it when their dad's did mon-fri/that it wouldn't be great long term which in part informed out choices. Its not a great way to live but we didn't have a lot of choice.

Op blatantly earns well and has a lot of choice. It's a pure financial "house now or in 2 years time" yet the kids will remember this forever.

Absolutely if you don't value a close bond with your kids (and some parents don't so much - lots of nannies/spend lots of time at grandparents - so yes a bond but one step removed.) But if being "close" with your kids is a value I don't see how you'd even consider it.

I couldn't miss such a huge chunk of my children's childhood. If you're the primary caretaker it will likely be hugely traumatic for them.

Please don’t ask your son to decide OP: that’s a horrible burden for a 9 year old.

I really think this is a bad idea in general OP and will be deeply upsetting for your children- particularly the 6 year old- but it looks like you are going to do it anyway , no matter what anyone says. So good luck, I hope it goes well for you all.

"Are you bloody joking

our parents did that to us as teenagers - they fucked off to California- and we never forgave them."

Both of them? Completely different to what the OP is suggesting. She'll be home every 12 weeks for 2 weeks and despite what one ridiculous poster is suggesting, there's nowhere in the world that it would cost the family 80k to fly out and visit in between.

I once taught two kids (older than yours - Y7 and Y9) whose father moved to another European country as a tax exile. He was only allowed back in the country for a certain number of days a year.

The mum was very determinedly positive about it. Both the kids absolutely hated it. The little one wrote letters in form and in English about how she wished she had all the money in the world so she could give it to her dad and he would come home to see them.

I don't think they ever told their mum how they were feeling.

My parents did similar. My dad was stationed in Italy for 2 years (armed forces), there was an English language school for me (primary age) but not for my brother (just about to start secondary) so they took me to Italy with them but left him behind with our grandparents & my brother would fly over to see us in the school holidays after which we returned to the UK. Brother was fine with it, in fact I think he enjoyed living with GPs more than us! He was older than yours though & everyone is different.

How long is the flight? Could you potentially come back for weekends? Flying Friday evening? Then early flight Monday/late Sunday?

Could the family fly out to you for all the holidays? Half term/Easter etc?

Could you negotiate a better spread of time off? 6x 1 week? Some long weekends back home?

@AllAboutTheTent its too far to come back every weeknd, we planned for the the family to fly out to me, every holiday.

Which country is this that thinks it’s acceptable to issue a visa to someone with children but not their children? Is it a country that has a very low opinion of women’s rights? That would be my concern.

In my case, I wouldn´t do it. I would have hated my mom going away for a year, my dad could have gone and I wouldn´t have batted an eyelid. Mum and dad weren´t interchangeable to me. My daughter would hate it. I know her. I worked in a telephone booths place 20 years ago. A few Ukrainian mothers who were working in my country and having had to leave their kids behind. Would come out crying from the telephone calls. They eventually brought them over, so they had their happy ending. I don´t care what society thinks, neither should you, but you do need to take into account what type of relationship you have with your kids and what their personalities are like.

So in 12 months kids get 13 weeks off school. You said you could get home for 2 weeks every 3 months. Worked carefully you could be together for 21 / 52 weeks in a year which means you would rarely be more than a few weeks away from seeing them. Add in Skype every day and this is doable if you want it to be.

It's not for everyone, but with a specific purpose and careful planning I have seen this sort of set up work well.

As women we are not used to putting our opportunities first, so I understand the internal turmoil you'll be going through.

I would work out the trips back and forth - when will you go home, and when will they visit. And I would negotiate HARD with your employer for more flights home / visits covered. There is a huge focus on diversity (inc gender balance and women in leadership roles) for most employers these days, and it's not unknown that international experience is a key advantage for further career development. I would push them to make it so that you see the kids (either there or at home once per month for min 1 week).

What is the tax situation? Will the company cover any additional taxes?

It's a long time but a short time. You could try it and if you hate it talk to your employer about other arrangements.

I think it's exciting but then I love living and working abroad (albeit with my family) and work in this area too.

I would also agree about talking talking talking about it with the kids. They will fill in gaps using their own imagination so my advice would be to be candid with them. Also if you talk about it in an exciting way, and position it positively for them "ooh this exciting place we'll be able to visit, you can come to my posh apartment and you'll have a great adventure with daddy" etc etc and longer-term what a role model you would be :)

Keep us posted OP and good luck.

My mother and father did it at separate times. It was fine but I must say my grandmother would move in with us to help the other parent. Would that be an option?

Hi, just wondering how you got on? I’ve also been offered an amazing opportunity in the Middle East but means I have to move there without my 4 year old until I can work a way around getting him there..

im extremely anxious about this but it’s also an opportunity I can not miss. Even if I need to go alone and save for a year and then return back to the uk..

No way would I do that. My children would've been traumatised and I would have too.

No, not if we couldn't all go. But people are different

You are asking us to give you permission to hurt your children for the sake of some money. Do you really think your children would rather have money to you being there? Honestly I think you need to shake your head and think about this properly..

I totally forgot about this thread. To be honest I moved and I am 100% glad I did, it has been great for my family. The time away from my children was hard, but I have a great husband who took great care of the my kids, we were on the phone video calling everyday, I did their homework with them every evening, and made sure I was back home every holiday. The time went by really quickly actually. I do not think it has impacted my relationship with my children at all; we are all still very close. I think sometimes, as mothers, we feel guilty for pursuing our careers, but no one would bat an eyelid if a man did the same thing. We all moved together last year in August, and my kids love it; they have settled in and made great friends, so it was worth it. We are living in Saudi Arabia, which comes with its challenges, but overall, it has been a great experience. we will be here for another two or three years before we return to the UK. I wish you good luck with whatever you decide to do; it's a tough decision. I will say that the Middle East is a great place for raising young children.

Also just reading another thread about this where the man is going to be away, no one is talking about the fact the he is leaving his children, just mostly commenting on possible the strain of the marriage .... but it is a lot more positive.

They will feel abandoned. They are not old enough to understand the financial benefit and will absolutely feel abandoned. It’s very selfish

No actually they did not, kids are smarter than you think. I wouldn't describe something that I did for my family ,so that we could be in a better position financially and what would have an impact on their future as selfish, I think that is a bit of a stretch.

My ex did it and no-one batted an eye lid, but mothers are judged more harshly by society. I don’t think i’d have done it, but hard to know if not in that situation.

Glad to read your update and it all worked out well.