Leaving my children

[Adaugo]

I have a job opportunity to move abroad, the issue is for the first year I will need to go without my family, I have two children 6 and 9, and would need to leave them for 10 months with my husband. I am really reluctant to go because I cannot imagine being without my kids. I will be able to visit every three months, for about two weeks, so will see three times during that period, but it is not the same. My husband is very eager, because financially we would probably save a significant amount of money from my salary alone 70-80k that year, and then after the year my family could potentially relocate to my location or I would return to the UK. The savings potential would really helps us to be able to get on the property ladder, but I feel like I am choosing between money and my children. Has any mother lived away from the children for a period of time ? how did the kids cope ? was it worth being separated. I know financially it is an amazing deal, but I don’t want it to be at the cost of my children’s emotional stability.

My mum was away Monday to Friday for a year when I was 11. It didn't hurt my bond with her, strengthened my bond with my Dad and when I started my own life and career and family meant I didn't see giving up my own career to stay at home with the children as the only option which far to many women do.

You can recover the time lost when they relocate with you.

I don’t agree with this. You can’t ever make up that lost time. You can have new time together, new experiences, ‘make new memories’ etc, but OP will never get back that year when her DCs were 6 and 9 (or however old they’ll be at the time). I couldn’t miss out on being present for a whole year of my DCs development like that.

Agree with other posters that it might be different if the OP had always had a job that involved time away/lots of hours away from the home and the DC’s Dad had always been very involved in their care. This sounds like a different situation from the OP. I think it could be deeply unsettling for the children in a way that could have an impact on them longer term.

Is the place somewhere you’d want to bring up your family? For me, if it was Canada I’d say yes and would try to do some extra weekend trips and suck up the hideous jet lag. If it’s Middle East, I’d never want to bring up dc there whatever the £ so it wouldn’t be worth it. Only you know how you feel but it’s sobering to decide as a family and you’ll have to ignore judgement.

If it's the only way you can buy a house then I'd do it. In the long run that's pretty essential to children's stability.

They aren't tiny, they can understand what's happening and why, and they also aren't old enough that it will screw up their exams if it takes them a while to settle. You can talk to them everyday via facetime.

Your husband needs to start stepping up now, so get him on that programme from next week - gradually hand things over and build a system (wall charts are good!)

Also try and have an emergency plan B if it doesn't work well, so he does quit his job and come out with you, or you get a nanny and the kids come out without him. This isn't likely to happen but you will feel better if you have one.

If you're worried about people thinking he's a hero and less well than you, have a clear mutual line that you are doing this to buy a house, and he's fully supportive. It's pretty easy for people to understand.

Take the money off the equation
if you were saying is a great opportunity for me - either job wise or personally- I’m sure there are plenty of mums that do it and the kids are fine
take armed forces or just the hundreds of health care professionals that were away during the pandemic - there were countless of stories of women (and men) living away from their house at the peak of the pandemic since they worked (doctors, nurses) in the covid wards and they didn’t want the possibility of bringing the virus home - ok it was an emergency, but you get my point, mum away and kids were FaceTiming and looked after by the dad or relatives
the point (for you) you’re only doing it because of the money - which you’ll get slower - no other reason
dads are as capable and I’m sure your husband will raise up and will have a great support system - you can FaceTime all the time and your kids will develop a great bond with their dad
but you don’t seem to have any real reason to consider it, it’s not a massive step forward on your career, what you dreamed and have worked towards since you were a kid, something that you need to do for your mental health- it’s just to buy a house now or in 2 years…

My friend's DH did this (no other option) when their kids were roughly the same age. They met in school holidays too.

He was not very involved on a daily basis anyway, and my friend was a SAHM.

They had lived overseas as a family and dad did lots of foreign travel for up to a week usually, once 2 weeks.

So they in many ways seemed well prepped for it. The boys did not find it easy. Their behaviour deteriorated and my friend had a nightmare with them.

Someone above mentioned forces families. While it's true the kids "cope", they're also in an environment where other parents are deployed, or have been deployed. In their social circles it isn't unusual.

Your kids will have plenty of "well-intentioned" people asking them how it is without mum etc. and yes, your DH will become an "absolute star" and a "hero" and you most definitely won't be either of those things.

If this was something to get you out of poverty, I think it may be worth considering more. But if you can save the money anyway, in not too long a time, well, my friend would definitely advise against it.

But do you own your own house?

Because the OP doesn't.

I don't think anyone would want to do this, but you have to weigh it all up. Living in rented accomodation is insecure for kids, and there is no massive reason to think it will do them any long term harm. They are at a good age for it.

Whilst it would be amazing to have enough money to live comfortably and to be able to afford a house no amount would be worth leaving my child for.

You could so this for a year or save for 3 more years?

Save for 2 extra years instead and stay

If it was the only way to get on the housing ladder and you would have no other chance to do so then maybe, but if you can save the same amount in 3 years then I wouldn't. Late primary can be a tricky time for children, as a PP said, they're old enough to know that you're leaving them, but too young to appreciate the reasons why. It's too high a risk to your children's wellbeing, with too small a payoff.

We're trying to save a similar amount over the next 3 years (different reason - aiming to pay off our mortgage when we come off our current fixed rate). If I could save the same amount in a year but had to leave teen DS there's no way I would consider it.

@continentallentil, I do own my house yes, so you’re right that I can’t truly see if from the OPs perspective. I still think though that it depends on how desperate the financial situation is. It sounds as though the OP and her H can manage financially if it is truly a case of just working an extra 3 years to be able to buy a house. I take your point though that renters are in a significantly less secure situation than home owners.

I wouldn't go. I think what you are giving up would not be worth the money given you say you could save up for a house in 3 years anyway.

No, I wouldn't consider this. I'm away for work for few weeks at the moment and, while I'm trying to speak to my family most days, with children of that age it's very hard to have any meaningful discussion or connection with them online. The financial reward you've been offered frankly isn't worth it. Also, it doesn't sound like somewhere you'd like to be living alone for a year, and being away from family for anything more than a week or so, even if busy with work, can be depressing and lonely.

The reason you're being offered so much money is presumably because it's hard for them to find someone to go to this place. I've done those jobs, but before having children. But, in being offered the role, presumably you have skills and experience that employers value. Are there other options you can explore? Similar jobs but with much shorter trips? Similar work but in places much closer to home? You should look for a job that pays a bit more but doesn't demand so much of you and your family.

What do you see as a good area in London, OP?

No, I wouldn't go. You can save up enough for a house without this sacrifice (for them and you), it'll just take longer. Can you wait a few years till they are older and you can all go as a family as part of the adventure?

I've done Monday to Friday away with work for a year. It was fine and it helped establish me as a contractor. The money was great, we had more for our deposit. Nobody died or bears any lasting resentment. It depends on your family but it was a very worthwhile sacrifice for us. I trust my husband with our son and he is an equal parent. He has also worked away when my child was a toddler.

^ this absolutely

Must be expensive tickets if 3 trips cost £80k

Sorry i couldn’t do this, especially to a 6 year old. I don’t think any of my friends could either.

At the moment your children are 6 and 9. Your living in a rental house and you figure out that with saving for another 3 years you should be able to buy a house.
Meanwhile the cost of living is gone up a lot. Your rent has probably gone up or your landlord could decide to sell where you live. If your landlord said to you they were selling the property and wanted you out by X date would you find a similar house in the same area for your current rent?

You have been offered an opportunity to work abroad from Aug to June. This money would enable you to put a decent deposit down on a home in a nice area and probably near good secondary schools for your children.
I would go abroad in your situation. I think the long term gain is worth it for your family.
I ensure that you were home for Christmas and try to work the other times your home that you can spend days together as a family. Also you facetime the kids each day.

You and your husband need to look at how to make things as easy as possible when your gone.

I know people here who say stay at home but the reality is that going abroad can benefit you and your family far more. It will help you get out of the rental market and career wise it will give you great experience to move up within your current company or elsewhere.

I could not do this unless it was to lift our family out of poverty. To cut a couple of years of savings for a deposit - no way.

Going away Mon-Fri is very different to living in a different country and coming back every 3 months. There is no comparison. And even then, my BIL did this M-F thing from when his children were about 6/9/12 and i think it really affected his eldest who had a tricky relationship with his mum (completely similar personalities) and would have really benefited from his dad being home in the evenings.

I travelled for work a bit and so did dh but maximum 2 weeks, mostly a couple of days, and even then the 2 week stint was tough.

Yeah it might all work out - or your children might be very unhappy. The risk of unhappy children versus the risk of having to save for 2 more years - I know which risk I'd take. I'd have hated if my mum did this.

No, you should have prioritised home ownership before now, you are clearly not on minimum wage .

During covid, my DC were sent to stay with my DB and DSIL. I'm a nurse and was working on a covid ward. [I'm also a single parent. I sorted my Will, made sure all my "death admin" (life insurance, funeral plan, who gets the DC, letters for the DC etc) was in order and just worked my socks off (like many others did) during that time.] It was at the start of the pandemic here, I didn't want to risk bringing covid back to the home and I thought the kids would be safer with family who were able to stay home. I didn't see my DC for about 3 months (I couldn't due to lockdown, etc) and I won't lie, it was hard. We did have FaceTime though, as much as possible, and wrote letters. I also sent them gifts. My DC kept diaries. DC were 12 and 6 at the time, but did understand why this was happening: I had to work and I needed to make sure that they were safe.

As a child myself, my Dad worked away an awful lot, so Mum was there to look after us. When my Mum's parents were ill though, she went to look after them and was away for a few weeks, so Dad looked after us. There was no internet back then, so we relied on phone calls and letters/postcards!

I do think it depends on the individual family. We (me and my siblings as kids) were ok, my DC were ok. Didn't find it easy all the time, but we were ok.

Must be expensive tickets if 3 trips cost £80k

Very clever. It's the principle of the thing. Clearly. Once they're spending a few grand on going to see her, they're not saving so much. Plus extra money on childcare and treats and such to make up for mummy being away. It'll all add up. May as well stay home, see the kids and save for a bit longer.

I’d do it. It would set a good example to your children about hard work and the rewards it brings.