Leaving my children

[Adaugo]

I have a job opportunity to move abroad, the issue is for the first year I will need to go without my family, I have two children 6 and 9, and would need to leave them for 10 months with my husband. I am really reluctant to go because I cannot imagine being without my kids. I will be able to visit every three months, for about two weeks, so will see three times during that period, but it is not the same. My husband is very eager, because financially we would probably save a significant amount of money from my salary alone 70-80k that year, and then after the year my family could potentially relocate to my location or I would return to the UK. The savings potential would really helps us to be able to get on the property ladder, but I feel like I am choosing between money and my children. Has any mother lived away from the children for a period of time ? how did the kids cope ? was it worth being separated. I know financially it is an amazing deal, but I don’t want it to be at the cost of my children’s emotional stability.

Monday to Friday vs being away for a year apart from 3-monthly visits - there’s no comparison

Oh please, my child has lived in rented flats his whole life, he is not scarred or traumatised by it. It's not ideal but it's fine. It's nowhere near as destabilising or potentially hurtful as your mother and primary caregiver leaving you for a year. Six is still so young.

I think I would seriously consider it. It is a huge amount towards your deposit.

You get to go home for 6 weeks total. Is it possible for them to go out to you twice? That would be 5 total visits so you'd see each other ever 2 months.

It's not like are planning to work away for months on end for years.

Awful idea. As someone else said, if someone said they’d give my £1 million to only see my kids for a couple of weeks every 3 months, I’d tell them where to go. Is that how low you value time with your children?

Practically have you factored in the cost of all the trips home you'd be doing or for your family to come visit you? This cost will massively eat into any savings.
You would also need to consider how it would change the relationship with your children - possibly forever as you will no longer be their main carer.
But, if it has the potential to seriously improve your financial situation then don't dismiss it.
Many families throughout the world adapt to situations like this and thrive.

£1million and you only have to see your kids 3 times a year? Where do I sign up????

This the the pros and cons list from what you have written.

Pros:

1. Will be able to visit every 3 months
2. Husband very eager
3. Financially 80k gain
4. On property ladder soon
5. Supportive family to help

Cons:

1. Reluctant
2. Cannot imagine being without your kids
3. Visiting - not the same
4. Feel choice is money v kids
5. How will kids cope
6. Children's emotional stability
7. Kids rely on you for everything (late acknowledging husband does a lot)
8. Leaving them fills you with dread
9. Husband not as hands on (again this varies between your posts)
10. Terrified to have conversation with them
11. My heart is broken
12. I worry about everything

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It will work for some and not others. Some will find it easier or more difficult than you. Some of us will debate what you have written or view it differently. None of that matters. It's about you & how you will feel. I don't have children so can't possible understand it anyway, just trying to give you an objective view in my previous post.

It does sound from what you have written that you really don't want to do it.

A thing to factor in to how you'll feel being away is if a child gets ill/breaks and arm or something. Whether they want and need you there is a separate issue. How would you cope being away from them?

Financially too, your calculations need to really factor everything in. So if the family comes to visit you, you'll have their flights, plus accommodation (assuming you won't have a family-sized place). And travel insurance, which needs to be full coverage for kids especially, country-dependent. Depending on where you are too, the cost of any activities.

Then there's extra childcare costs at home too, I assume.

The worst of all scenarios would be that you go and then come back to find out you haven't saved enough for the deposit because of extra costs incurred during the time away.

Another thing to consider is your relationship.

Is it diamond level strong? Your DH is going to get a massive shock if he's not really hands on, when he suddenly has to be. That is stressful. You're going to be stressed being away from them - and without a support network. Long distance relationships have extra challenges in child-free circumstances. There's a potential for this to open any cracks you've been avoiding looking at.

This comes with an extra charge in your situation because if things were to be bad between the two of you to the point of divorce, he would be able to say he's the sole or primary carer of the children.

This is a "worst case" situation. However, I live abroad and didn't fully understand all the "worst case" possibilities before I made the choice and one of them happened. It's totally altered aspects of my life in ways I could never have guessed. There's no "silver lining". So I'm seeming like Mrs Doom and Gloom just to highlight things you won't be thinking about. It isn't to say you shouldn't go, but if you do, maybe find ways to strengthen your potential vulnerabilities. Best case scenario they make no difference. Worst case scenario, well, it could have been even worse.

What do you want to do? Will the work also help your longer term prospects?

It would be a big yes from me. So many benefits for DH, the kids, you as a family and financially.

The time will go past so quickly and you'll be in a place here you are back or move where you have a DH who fully understands the role of parenting for the rest of your family lives, he wants to do it that would be fab.

That's really tough and is a long time for such young children. As an adult time passes quickly but as a child it doesn't. They'll change a lot in that time. Is it possible for them to visit you, as well as you visiting them? My DH worked abroad for 6 months and we alternated the visits - so he came to see us, then we'd go and see him. The head teacher allowed them some extra days off school to enable this. We generally saw each other every 10 to 14 days so there was no long stretch of not seeing each other.

Well she's calculated she can save £80k so I assume she has accounted for the children being looked after while she's away. Either way the idea that 3 visits would wipe out a significant part of £80k is ridiculous unless they plan on taking a private jet and staying in a swanky hotel.

Silly post. The OP would be being a 'proper mother' in providing for her children and contributing hugely to their future.

@IAteAllTheTomatoes thanks I like this list, I hadnt actually made one myself, I am going to do so, and try to be objective.
@daretodenim our relationship is pretty strong, my husband has lived away before when the my son was a lot younger, so we have done the long distance thing before although quite some time ago.
@ThreeCheersForAbbie we have factored the costs of travel as well as a long holiday during december.

All your comments are much appreciated, I am going to have a talk with my kids when my son gets back; right now I am leaning towards taking the role, at least starting and be willing to give it up if my children are not coping, but I will see how my children react when I tell them about the possibility. I have focused a lot on the financial gain, but professionally it is a good move for me as well long term, but of course my biggest concern is my children.

Good luck, whatever you decide, @Adaugo.

I did this about 10 years ago and, although quite hard at the time, the long-term benefits were over and beyond that hardship. Here is my story for you, OP.

I got a once-in-a-lifetime career opportunity which meant changing countries. My two DCs were just one year away from finishing their respective "school stages" = kindergarten and primary school. We decided as a family to let them finish their school cycles in the home country while I go ahead to make sure that this is indeed a long-term move and, if yes, prepare the family move for later. Which meant that I was alone oversees between August-June while my DH was the SAHP. "We decided as a family" involved a lot of talks with the 4Y and 9Y old, asking them if they would rather change countries now or later, writing down the pros and cons of each option together, reading about the new place etc. Communication was key to pave the way for the hard months to come. We truly listened to them and built the plan together.

What worked:

• Our family got stronger, we learned to appreciate the little moments of happiness better and to ignore the daily grunt more - forever & ever.
• My career took off because of this move in a way which could not have possible otherwise. More fun, more money, more opportunities to this day.
• The family move to the new country a year later was very well planned and smooth.
• Today, the grownup teenagers are proud of what we achieved as a family and feel inspired by the journey. This reflects in everything they do, aiming high and trusting that we have each other's backs if things don't go well.

What did not work:

• My DH got unexpectedly sick for two months and all our carefully planned routines were blown up. We had to bring in outside help and go with the flow.
• My Christmas flight back home got cancelled and rebooked for a week later. I spent Christmas crying in an empty apartment while the kids were waiting for me to put up the tree and bake cookies together. Santa made it though... must have taken an earlier flight...
• Socialising with the other mums at school stopped, my wonderful DH drew a line at early morning coffees where he would have been the only man. Hence, the playdates, birthday invitations and the likes faded away.

My advice OP: go for it. Plan for the worst and hope for the best. If the worst case scenario does indeed happen, you can find solutions at the time - either ask for your company's support (mine flew me back home when my DH got sick and let me WFH until family support was sorted), or quit, or find another opportunity on the way. But above all: (over)communicate with your DCs, make it a joint decision which takes place "with them" rather than something which happens "to them". Be real, true, fair in everything you tell them, they will remember every word for years to come... Plan together, cry together, laugh together, celebrate the end of "our family adventure" together.

Wishing you best of luck whichever path you choose.

Military families male or female do this all the time. Year in, year out. And yes it's hard but it's absolutely fine if the children are well prepared and informed about it. No one has the right to judge anyone. Where would we be without military people or any other profession that needs this?

My dad did this for a year.

I'd have rather had my dad than the extra money. It still makes me feel a bit sad.

If he was in the forces I think it would have been different - part of the culture, forces family, and after all 'a hero'.

As it was, it was a financial decision pure and simple.

We could have had less exciting holidays or a smaller house. We wouldn't have cared. It's sad that our parents chose money over family.

If you’re their main care giver and emotional support and it’s not equal parenting at the moment then no I wouldn’t and I couldn’t.

Go for it. The children will be with their dad. If this was the other way around (your DH going away) no one would say a word.

This is a great opportunity for you and (with the prospect of buying a house) is life changing for you all. Go!

Are you bloody joking

our parents did that to us as teenagers - they fucked off to California- and we never forgave them.

I am very career-orientated, but in a million years I wouldn't do this. They are far too young.

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn i wouldn’t want DH to do this and neither would he. He wanted to be as involved in DS’s life as much as he could. Wish we would actually say something rather than thinking it doesn’t matter whether dads are around or not

I would do it, OP.

Three of my friends and two of my cousins had husbands who worked away for months at a time (some in the military, some as contractors). Their children all have good relationships with their fathers, and the absences were more that a 10 month stint.

Doing this for 10 months - basically just one school year - will set you up financially to be able to make better choices for your family.

Regular Zoom chats and games, postcards, little gifts, text messages etc can keep you in regular contact with your children.

Let’s be honest, no one gives the fathers guilt when they work away.

it is not really any different to going to boarding school but they would be better off as they have one parent still with them. I didn't see either of my parents for the whole term as they lived abroad so only the holidays. I'm not saying it was great but it is doable - especially for a shortish period of time. Especially as there is access to skype / phones / computers which were all sadly lacking when i was a child.