I wish we’d never moved

[IJumpedAboardAPirateShip]

I am so so homesick and have been for a while, I just want to move back to the U.K. we’ve been in the stages for 8+ years and DH has always been anti a return back but the intention was never to stay forever. We are at a total stalemate even being able to talk about it so we’re going to couples therapy to try to navigate our way through.

We’ve had a good life here but now it’s tarnished by me feeling totally trapped and I just want out. I honestly wish we’d never come in the first place.

@IJumpedAboardAPirateShip That's what we agreed when we made our first move overseas (to China) - if at the end of 2 years either of us was unhappy and wanted to return, then we would. I think it took the pressure off, although in the end neither of us wanted to. The only thing is to be very clear what would constitute it not working out. What if you love it but he and the kids are still unhappy after 2 years?

If you are looking into getting citizenship first and then moving back you will need to consider the tax implications of this. If you are a US citizen and living in the UK you will need to file tax returns with the IRS every year. I'm not an expert but it is something you should look into.

Yeah don’t worry @molly70 we’ve looked into it in great details and the cons outweigh the pros considering the line of work we’re both in, potential opportunities later for us and DC and the fact that brexit has ended freedom of movement in Europe. You have to file every year but you have to be earning quite a substantial amount before you actually pay anything

I genuinely don’t know @lifesnotaspectatorsport but I think if the whole family is genuinely miserable after giving it a fighting chance for 2 years then I would have to reconsider, that would only be fair. But would only be fair if DH really got on board and tried to make the move work rather than just riding out the clock

I'd be wary of putting any kind of time limits, as he could see that as the end point of your 'trial'. I think it would be kinder to say you would like the children to finish their education in the UK, and then you can both decide where to settle, unless anything major happens in the meantime and you wish to return to the US. There are many reasons to come back culture, family, opportunity and you have been in the US long enough to have given it is a proper shot there, so in fairness it would be the same again in the UK.

I would also leave the door open for extended periods of time back in the US like long summer holidays and christmas too, so you can still see friends etc and keep the door open if you are able to do this?

Absolutely, he would have to give it a fair go.

@pigeon999 that is what I would actually like us to do but I think taking the pressure off a little isn’t a bad idea. And my 2 years is more that that needs to be the minimum we need to give ourselves to settle back in

hmm, I am a bit sceptical about that 2 years.

In my experience, it takes most people the best part of 2 years to feel as if they have settled back. If you know the end of that time is coming, then you may not settle properly. So I'd be wary of any time limit.

To be honest, if you move the kids age 12, then at 14 think of moving back, you will really bugger up their education.

If you get citizenship does that mean that DH could stop you moving back to the UK with the DC?

Yeah all fair points and bear in mind I don’t want to move back!!

No I think he could stop me moving back with the kids even not as citizens, so he could put his foot down now if he decided to

Op I am really encourgaed by the therapy session, but I did wonder the same as PP, did you both come out thinking that the other person would come round to your point of view?

Time will tell @steppemum!! I think honestly we were grateful that we felt connected and listened to and how it was already easier to just talk about it with a third person in the room. Maybe we both feel we can convince the other but that’s not a massive change from the current state of affairs anyway

Hi OP, I am also in Southern CA been here for about a year. I was hoping it gets easier, I have found it really hard to make friends. Covid obviously doesn't help. My husband loves it and would like to stay but all i can think about is how much I miss my friends in the UK.

OP,
I am in San Diego. Hopefully I can also join you and others to share our feelings.

I hope you will come to an agreement with your husband soon. I know how it feels to live with so much uncertainty.

Like you, we are also deciding whether to stay in SoCal or move back to UK, we haven't been in US very long though.

What are the things that you don't like about living in LA ? And what are the things you miss about the UK?

And are you concerned about Brexit?
I am worried that after Brexit things will get very expensive and the society will be more divided, probably more unrest, jobs are harder to get... If all of these turn out to be true, I would think California is probably better for us.

Would like to hear everyone's thoughts.

pigeon999 Mon 22-Jun-20 06:46:16
I lived overseas for many years, it was a wonderful life, but there came a point when the longing for home felt like a physical pain, like a desperation I had not felt before. Everything about home made me weep and want to come back. It does come and go, so you could wait to see if it eases.

Pigeon just said exactly what I just said to DH. I have been in SE Asia for 25 years and I said we would go for the initial 3 years. I am now late 50's, my kids are back in our home town and I am still here with a limited life now and a DH who before Covid worked a lot and did his hobby. He is a good man and never stops me doing anything but because I am on a Dependants Pass I have limits to what I can do.

I had a great job, well paying and I loved it but I thought SE Asia for a few years would be ok with the wee ones, we would get back home for them to go to P1. They never got back but the loved the experience. I'm sorry I have just blurted out my sadness. Get home as soon as you can, don't let the homesickness get you down.

Oh wow @Hyrana 25years???? But your DC returned back to the U.K.? I’m so sorry, you must be very homesick, can you not go back now?

Hi @Hotchocolatemonster I really like SD, how long have you been there? Brexit is a big worry, more about what it’s doing to the culture of my country than anything to be honest. Also I don’t think the real long term repurcussions will
Settle for quite some time and I’m not prepared to wait 5/10years for the dust to settle but it certainly doesn’t make the U.K. some utopian option. It is the major reason we’re going to get citizenship here though, so if it doesn’t go well and we can’t find work we can always come back. I do wish my home country was New Zealand instead at times!

I miss my people, I miss quick and easy access to other countries, I miss being understood on the phone, I miss the sense of humour. I do like LA a lot but it’s just not home and despite being an extrovert who has tried to build a community here it just hasn’t happened - my closest friends ended up all being expats and most have moved back now. I look at my “friends” I’ve made through school and despite knowing them for 6yrs there’s a big barrier and I’m on the outside of all the groups which has become very stark during covid

Sorry @wavesbeach1 I didn’t reply to you - give it some time, a year isn’t long at all. Where are you? It’s a weird time to be living in a foreign country though

I can relate to much of this OP and am in the same location as you! We haven't been here as long, however the same dilemma. I SO know what you mean about being misunderstood on the phone 😁 Covid has definitely been a defining moment too as it's really illuminated our lack of true friends here. Meanwhile my friends back in the UK have been amazing. I've little advice unfortunately but can offer a little insight as we did return to the UK for a while and experience a stint back. I do understand what a massive decision it is and how much headspace the decision takes up. We like you have yet to come to a decision and also have a deadline with our DC's age which either leads us into us being here long term or to jump ship now.

Hyrana It is never too late, can you go back home? You would probably find there is much more support for you. I can't imagine being in your position, that must be very hard indeed

Op, many people have experienced the lightbulb moment of finding out you who your true friends are during the lockdown. In fact, all of us have had that moment pretty much regardless of where we live. So it could be just the covid issue that has brought to the surface many doubts you already had, and illuminated your life in a way thats never happened before. In times of great stress and worry it is natural to turn to your family, to your roots to feel safe and secure again. We need our networks more than ever in a crisis, and if yours has fallen well short, then that is good to know now. Because heaven forbid you or your dh were seriously seriously ill or injured, then you would need a support network for sure.

I say this because we have had some pretty life changing events out of the blue, we can not assume we will always be fit, healthy and well. We are also leaving our families back home in perhaps a compromised situation too. You have many experiences to come, a rock solid network is going to be absolutely essential.

I think many of us living abroad have had a bit of a wake up call during the last few months. 2DC and I spend all summer back in the UK and have done so for all the time we've been away (10+ years). I need it as my reset and i'm keen for the kids to know where home is.

We have moved around so it's slightly different than being in one place like you. What are the job prospects like for you and DH in the UK, is that a huge stumbling block? For us it's a major consideration, DH works in an industry which has really struggled for years in the UK and we probably won't come back until he can take his foot off the gas and probably work for himself rather than need to try and get a career job in the UK.

@TheTeenageYears there are jobs available for us both. I’m a freelancer but one company I work for has already said I can work for their U.K. branch and the opportunities in that particular line of work are about the same in both country and I’m building connections that allow me to work in both.

DH is a software architect now moving into more Tech Manager/CTO roles so in theory there’s work everywhere for him as he can go into any industry. He’s currently in games, there is an industry (and handily mainly centralised in Guildford) for him and I actually found him a job that would be perfect for him. I think because he’s in tech he’d be fine wherever we live but I do want him to find a fulfilling job he enjoys and believes him if I’m going to be dragging him back - and he has a big concern that the wages are about 1/3 what he commands here. BUT we are fortunate that we can move home and be rent or mortgage free

Thank you so much to everyone who has contributed to this thread and @IJumpedAboardAPirateShip for starting it. It’s made me feel much less alone.

I’m old enough to have faced this issue twice: I was in the US during 9/11 and I remember so clearly the frantic need to get home. And we did, returning in June ‘02. So I’m very aware how much the covid situation is adding to my feelings now. It feels like I’m trying to stamp down panic.

I have no idea how to start though. My husband wants to wait for the pandemic to end and then think about selling the house, while I’d rather put it on the market as soon as I’m done decorating.

I don’t know whether we should return to our old town or strike out somewhere new, or whether we head home and then look for jobs or search here.

This thread has shown me how important it is to get home by next September. My eldest is going into 8th grade/ year 9 this year and she needs to be back in the British system ASAP if our future is to be in the UK.

Best of luck to everyone facing these problems!

@nicobean yes you are not alone :) And like you I ask myself the same about returning to our old place of living or striking out somewhere new. Not sure if I have it in me to be the new mum all over again... It's an exhausting process all this! I actually feel excited at the thought of just having the decision made. Right now I'm feeling keen to remain in the sunshine and dodge the UK winter in case of further lockdowns later in the year. I do know from feeling this before and work taking us back to the UK for a while it was lovely but there things I missed here. So I'm resigned to neither decisions being a perfect one but the answer laying in the best long term plan for our family.

@nicobean I agree def time to get your DD home, I mean I know people who’ve moved kids older but I think just academically because they make their GCSE choices and actually sometimes start the coursework in year 9 it’s crunch time for our children. But you’re not alone - is your DH at least open to moving back?

@Canihaveafairygodmotherpls I feel you on moving back in the summer for a gradual return to the weather - and also I’m now making a list of the places I want to make sure we visit before we head back!

Just bumping to see how others are doing. Our second therapy session went well but I think we both wished we’d had another 30mins. I’m not sure DH is playing at but he keeps going on Rightmove and looking at frankly ridiculous houses in the middle of nowhere talking about how if we move back he has to level up - but then our therapist was making a comparison between compromise and collaboration and so he’s talking about these houses being his “compromise” and therefore making hinting that he’s willing to collaborate more and think about it? I don’t know. I’m just glad we’re discussing it weekly and with a third party, it’s getting us a lot further than doing it on our own.
In other news we filed our naturalisation forms yesterday to give us more options....