I wish we’d never moved

[IJumpedAboardAPirateShip]

I am so so homesick and have been for a while, I just want to move back to the U.K. we’ve been in the stages for 8+ years and DH has always been anti a return back but the intention was never to stay forever. We are at a total stalemate even being able to talk about it so we’re going to couples therapy to try to navigate our way through.

We’ve had a good life here but now it’s tarnished by me feeling totally trapped and I just want out. I honestly wish we’d never come in the first place.

I think part of the difficulty with these situations are there are so many possibilities. Without really being back in the UK its impossible to know how everyone till truly feel living/schooling back there.

My husband has his best friend here and amazing job prospects that far outweigh being in the UK and loves the lifestyle. However, he's fully aware my reality here is not the same as his and ultimately feels, if I am not able to actualise my potential with work here or feel lonely then it's not worth us being here. I reckon I could make it work over time but knowing how much time it will take is what puts me off. We will always have one foot in the door here with his career and I'm happy about that.

We returned to the UK for a stretch. I realised that in both locations there were losses and neither were perfect. The ebbs and flows of life remained and whilst I gained contact with friends (who very much had their own established lives and routines) I lost the gorgeous weather here and so on...

Ultimately you want the location that provides the most ticks for your family and what that list is will be unique to your family. I think the fact you have a home and citizenship forthcoming provides a wonderful position to open up options for the future. But by having options may mean a divide in the family at some point, so if through therapy you can reach a United decision I'd go for that and be in it together.

OP I understand. We have money and a lifestyle that we wouldn't be able to have in the UK. I was okay about being overseas just about, till my mum got diagnosed with cancer out of the blue. I am upset with myself for ever putting money over family and now because of coronavirus I'm effectively trapped.

I would say if you want to go home, then go before anything like this happens to you. Your DH has has 8 years which is aaaages overseas and his job doesn't come over your happiness. Life is about compromise and you've done yours.

@Canihaveafairygodmotherpls I genuinely
Think we have things in place that a repatriation back to the US should things go horribly wrong and albeit expensive we could do easily without worries over visas or somewhere to live.

I’m kind of at the point where I just need to know and staying here and talking it out will
Always leave me with regret and resentment. I think his idea that I spend 3-4 months a year in the U.K. (2 of those with the kids joining) are much more likely to a swift separation of the family as I build a life that he has no part of.

I think his idea that I spend 3-4 months a year in the U.K. (2 of those with the kids joining) are much more likely to a swift separation of the family as I build a life that he has no part of.

^ I think you are right to be concerned about that option. To my mind it's leading into two very separate life paths.

@Antipodeancousin

This decision is about fundamentally shaping who your children will grow up to be. Whether they will consider themselves American (albeit with UK connections) or British, having spent time in the US as children. I would personally find it very hard to commit my children to being American. Whilst you might be experiencing some of the great advantages of the country at present it is also a place where accessing education and healthcare can potentially bankrupt you in the future. You never know what path your child might go down.

I really agree with this.

Especially my oldest child is coming to 14 now - if we stay in US then we would have to stay for him to complete high school and university- that means he would be Americanised. Nothing wrong with that, I still prefers my kids be British - that's where they were born and a lot of more natural ties.

OP- San Diego is lovely, I really like its nature, beaches and sunshine. Also people are generally more chill and services are much more friendly than UK.
But I really hate the sprawling suburb - I felt so isolated even though we are surrounded by houses! I hate that I have to drive at least 20 minutes to anywhere run my errands. The wide spread deep US suburb is very sad to me.

How old are your kids? I was in contact with our secondary schools back home in UK and they are very welcoming but also saying my son would need to work hard to catch on the GCSE. I guess 14 is really the age you have to decide to stay or to go back, in my opinion.

UC system is great - only if you can afford it. I have local friends whose kids go to UC but still end up paying a lot - nothing is cheap in California ! Someone spent $$$ in LA for accommodation and even that is very far from campus.

I like how affordable UK universities are , by comparison, and they have much smaller class size. I have read that average class in UC are 200 plus, and students struggle to select the courses they want as there are so many students! But guess what, they are still recruiting more students to get $$$. I must say for value and quality , the top 10 UK universities are probably better.

@Canihaveafairygodmotherpls

How long have you been in US ? Have you made the decision to stay or return?

We are only less than a year but I think I want to go back already for the long term family life and both kids' education. If this opportunity for us to come to US was given anytime 3 years ago , I would have loved to stay longer and experience US more. But my son being 14 now does not leave us much time.

But I guess we can always come back visit for holidays - I don't miss much about the politics, culture and education here (SoCal is very competitive in terms of schools), but I do LOVE the beautiful and varied nature that US has to offer.

It does sound like you're both as bad as each other. You want to get the therapist onside, i wonder if he thinks the therapy is as helpful as you do because you sound like you want the therapist to agree with you. A couple of things you've said sounds like you think he/she already is. I doubt that, so it's more likely you're just hearing what you want to hear. Him looking at houses he might like is more of a compromise than you're making. You want to move back now before your son starts middle school to avoid disrupting his education but then you promise if they don't like it after 2 years you'll agree to move back - when your son is 14 and facing his GCSEs? That will be much more of a disruption to his education. Are you sure you wouldn't then turn around and say you can't live your son in his GCSE years and then it's A Levels and uni. Before you know it, it's been 10 years. His idea of you spending a third of the year in the uk is also a compromise but it's a flat no from you. Let's face it if you can't both agree your marriage is going to be over anyway because one or both of you will be resentful. I can see why he wouldn't want to leave his great lifestyle to go and live in Amsterdam or paris, where none of you have any ties at all, and you don't speak the language, just to avoid flying.

It seems unlikely you're going to get everything your own way. What happens if things don't go to plan?

A good therapist won't be on anyone's side (other than in extreme situations like DV). It's natural to want your own way, OP, but posters on here who are encouraging you to see your DH as the baddie are not your friends, and you should be wary about their motives.

You are asking DH to put your happiness before his own. I don't think that's an unreasonable ask by you in the circumstances, but I also don't think it is unreasonable for him to find it difficult. He is facing working less flexibly, for a third of the money, with a much longer commute and a higher cost of living. He'd have to be a saint not to struggle with that.

I don’t disagree with either you in terms of the very firmness of what I want, I know that my feelings are very strong and yes I do realise I’m asking for my happiness to be prioritised over his and I know that isn’t fair.

In my defence I don’t actually think or want the therapist to be on any side - what’s the point in going if one of us just recruits a sidekick?! What we went to her for was the tools to help us have the conversation and that’s the thing that’s been positive, we have both already changed even a little bit in the way we speak to each other about it.

Also in fairness, maybe my ultimatum attitude is because he’s refused to talk to me about this for years. Kept kicking the bucket down the road, got aggressive and antagonistic whenever I brought it up. When you aren’t even allowed to give your opinions and explore them as a couple then yes I think they will become more entrenched.

It’s not an easy decision at all, I do realise that. I wish that it was, I wish he’d been on a contract that had had an end date then we wouldn’t have to be in this place and would have had the adventure we came out for. And I wish we weren’t fighting about it but as I say the therapy is already helping us in terms of communication so I’m taking that as a positive.

Honestly I don’t know what to do if he puts his foot down. I don’t see either of us being so selfish that we would just say “do what you want, I’m doing this” maybe if it came to that and we didn’t have children it would just make sense to go our separate ways but I’ve seen a family go through divorce and the parents living in Europe and America and it’s awful for the children and the mum (less so for selfish bastard dad but that’s another story) so while they’re dependant on us I don’t want to put them in a situation where they are split between two homes on the opposite sides of the world or where either of us have to go months without seeing them. That was my first point to him at the suggestion of either way round one of us spending a big chunk of time in the other country but being based together in one. I don’t want to not see my kids for 1/3 of the year and I don’t want him to miss that either (unless he chose to and was fine with it?! I’d be surprised though)

I am aware I’m still at the point of refusing an option where we stay here, I’m finding it very hard to contemplate this as the long term option. At this stage I feel like if I was forced to stay I would be here until the kids left home then I would move back alone but who knows. That’s what therapy is for I suppose?

I do appreciate the alternative points of view by the way, I don’t mind the hard questions if it’s done kindly and with empathy because I do need to face them but I am also deeply unhappy about it all - not just my own homesickness and sadness but fear of upsetting DH too. I don’t want him to be miserable either

It's so hard OP you are not alone in this. Whilst my situation is slightly different I do have a friend in the same boat as you. Her husband has been having the time of his life. She always maintained they would return for secondary but the more his life evolved here the more hers didn't. She became so unhappy. It seems though over the last couple of years she has stood firm and he has now reluctantly started to come around to the idea. I noticed he has begun to think about what his UK life would look like which he'd never talk about before. I think it will be hard for him when he moves and possibly carry some resentment. Though you are in therapy which will hugely help with having both your voices heard and airing resentments in a healthy way. I know you feel stuck now but the more you are in it together, which is what the therapist will hopefully steer towards, the more you will make joint choices. I think it will just take time.

@Hotchocolatemonster I meanwhile am still none the wiser! I'm in no rush to live lockdown life in UK winter so it buys me some thinking time. I have moments of desire to stay here, images of the DC. Hanging out in the beach during their teens, having the schools & weather I like. But then I always have a counters!

I'm thinking perhaps of a overseas support thread for all contemplating a UK return - imagining how many there are of us and the complexities involved it's nice having those who understand.

I didn't mean you were the baddie, by the way - just that there are two sides to the situation and that posters trying to paint your DH as controlling or cruel weren't doing you any favours. If you want to stay married, the only route through this is compromise. And, yes, I agree with you that your DH wasn't being fair in the past when he refused to discuss the issue.

Don’t worry @MrsNoah2020 I appreciate all viewpoints, which is what I was clumsily trying to say at the end of my last post!

Yeah @Canihaveafairygodmotherpls I def have a lot of moments thinking about the beach California n teen lifestyle my kids could have but at the same time neither of them in interested in surfing, we don’t live a beach community, we love going but our lives don’t revolve around it and we’ve been here 9yrs already, I don’t see that changing. They’re not into skating or rollerblading or skateboarding either....

I think a mutual support thread is a good idea (this one can just turn into one or another can be started), I don’t want to get into a negative spiral because I’m complaining with others on the same page as me but knowing there are others out there who understand who can share resources and understanding is really helpful

@MrsNoah2020 I will counter argue the cost of living - it’s is HUGELY cheaper even in London than LA! And we could put ourselves in the enviable position of being mortgage and rent free if we moved back so arguably would actually be better off even with him on a lower wage....

I think you also need to consider that the US is probably home for your children too. Someone I worked with was in your position and they did come back. Her kids were actually keen to come back, but once here they definitely had culture shock. They weren't sporty all american kids either, but they hated the weather here, the food and generally many things about british life that were alien to them. They felt like they didn't belong, same as you do now.

They were both very unhappy and as soon as both could manage, they moved abroad. One is back in the US, the other is in Australia. Her husband was so unhappy back in the UK that he blamed her for ruining his life and they divorced. He is now back in the US as well and she lives in the UK alone.

@BarbedBloom I can completely see why and how that would happen and as per previous posts it is something I worry about too

International student tuition will be astronomical. You can not underestimate the importance of making sure you have a plan in place for university.

It might happen but it might not.

DH and his siblings were all brought up as both British and American residents/citizens.

DH has bounced back and forth between the UK and US quite happily. His brother chose to live in the UK as an adult. His sister chose to live in the US as an adult.

I grew up in Europe - mostly in the UK - but didn't feel happy or at home until I visited the US age 21. The idea of having to live in the UK again fills me with horror.

DH's SIL grew up in the US, but moved to the UK at 18 and has been happily living there ever since, and the idea of living in the US fills her with horror.

Some of my local friends - British dad, American mum - raised their kids in the US, but the older one adores Scotland and plans to stay there forever, while the younger one hasn't yet decided.

Everyone's different. You can't make the perfect decision that will take account of everything that might happen.

Your kids have had lots of experience of the UK, so it's not like they'd be moving to a country that's totally alien to them.

Funnily enough, we were thinking of moving from east coast US to Orange County last year, and culture shock was one of things I was kind of worried about for my kids.

We do worry... we do our best.

Thankyou @HoldMyLobster and you’re right, we could just as easily stay, I end up bitterly divorcing DH and moving back on my own and one or both children regret not living in the U.K. and choose to do so on their own. Sadly I don’t have a crystal ball!

@BarbedBloom
Where in the UK did they move to?

@HoldMyLobster
What about Orange County gave you the culture shock?
I have heard more than once that Brits who moved to east coast of US were happier than those to west coast, probably the culture in east is more familiar?

Iv always been fascinated by America it always seems like a more exciting life then the UK!! Maybe Iv just watched to many films/documentaries.
I have an American friend who lives in a tiny house in UK she chose that over a huge house with a swimming pool in Florida tampa) I guess grass isn’t always greener. I’m still curious though and would love to check it out.

What about Orange County gave you the culture shock?

Well - we live in Maine, so it seemed like Orange County would be such a massive change. My kids live in a little bubble I guess, and I was nervous about moving them out of it. It all seemed busy and full of people and traffic and... I've turned into such a small-town person, I'm embarrassed to say.

Funnily enough my oldest visited OC a few months after we'd decided not to move there, and she absolutely loved it. And actually, I was quite excited at the idea of moving somewhere with sunshine and swimming pools and amazing scenery nearby.

I do think east coast US is more familiar to us Brits. I live in a small town where people walk a lot, and there are old buildings, and it's a fairly close community. I have friends whose families have lived in this town for many generations. Someone said to me that Maine is a lot like 1950s Britain and there's some truth in that.

Mostly I'm concluding that Maine is a tough place to leave.

The OC is a republican nightmare of an area.....

@Lifeisconfusing nothing wrong with being intrigued and indeed giving into the adventure of somewhere new. I have been happy here a huge portion of our 8.5yrs but I’m just ready to go home.

There was a shooting 2mins from my house today 15mins after my DC had passed by where it had happened on their own. Stuff like this doesn’t happen where I live but it shook me up and I’m ready to move back more than ever

Wow I’m
So sorry to hear about the shooting that must have been scary. Gun crime is definitely well know to be high in USA. Where about in the UK are you hoping to live?