I wish we’d never moved

[IJumpedAboardAPirateShip]

I am so so homesick and have been for a while, I just want to move back to the U.K. we’ve been in the stages for 8+ years and DH has always been anti a return back but the intention was never to stay forever. We are at a total stalemate even being able to talk about it so we’re going to couples therapy to try to navigate our way through.

We’ve had a good life here but now it’s tarnished by me feeling totally trapped and I just want out. I honestly wish we’d never come in the first place.

[IpanemaGallina]

We’ve moved overseas twice with kids. Including 4 years in the US. We came back when the eldest was 11 from a different country. It was tough on them of course, but it was also okay moving back to the UK, a country they knew from visiting family and speaking the language helped.
We got through it and they are all made new friends, including my ‘tricky character’ dc.
I’m glad we made the move back for the teenage years.

[IJumpedAboardAPirateShip]

Glad to hear your story Ipanema - did you move back to a new area of the U.K.? That’s what I’m hoping, it’s not like I’m suggesting we move to a completely new place. They’re very familiar with the U.K.

[steppemum]

Just to encourage you OP, in the families I work with, although the move back may be hard for a while, overwhelmingly overall the kids are positive about having lived overseas for part of their childhood.

Look up TCK. It stands for Third Culture Kid and is a child who spent a significant part of their developmental years in a country not their passport country.
It was coined by David Pollock, and his book, Third Culutre Kids, growing up among worlds is well worth buying. (the Bible of the TCK world!)

There are dozens of sites and blogs and resources.
Some of the stuff online is quite negative, usually from kids who moved every 2 years to a new place and end up feeling rootless, don't be put off by that, but find the helpful hints and resources.

Look for something called RAFT. It is about how to leave and move well.

Debriefing kids who return is about a few things:

1. a space to tell their story, a surprising number of people say - How was America? Fine? Good. And then never talk about it again, so they have a whole life experience that they can't talk about it.
   
2. Normalising emotions, it is OK to feel angry, scared, excited etc all at the same time. Leaving a country is a form of grief and allowing them time to acknowledge the loss allows them to move through grief and helps them to settle in the new place. Unresolved grief is the biggest hindrance to adapting to the new place. Other people have been there and do understand, and you aren't strange for feeling emotional. It will pass.
   
3. Giving them some information, things like a children's version of the transition curve, or the grief curve. Telling them about culture shock etc. The point of all of these is that you pass through this phase and it is normal to feel this way and it will pass.
   

That all sounds a bit formal, I use games and pictures and even cuddly toys with younger children. A lot of debriefing is listening, we finish by celebrating the amazingness of having 2 cultures etc.

[steppemum]

One last and very important point, you are going 'home'
Your kids are not going home. Home is where they are now. Home is the US. They have a link to UK, but home is where their house, school, friends etc are.

Visiting is also not the same as living there, they will find that everything is different, jokes, clothes, school etc. Put aside money to buy them whatever the other kids are wearing. Over the nxt year make sure you watch UK programs, read UK magazines etc. Make sure they know which words are not OK in UK English so they don't make a fool of themselves etc

[IpanemaGallina]

IJumped yes we did and that certainly helped. But interestingly old friendships from primary school faded away and they each found a new tribe at secondary. I’ve found friendships evolve anyway with teens. Some very close friends of dc have left to go private or moved themselves.

We came back in summer from a hot country which was also a good move. They were made such a fuss of by everyone. I had a harder time because I was stressing about school places. We have three dc and it took 4 months before everyone was at the same school from being on waiting lists.

[IpanemaGallina]

Also our closest family friends in the US moved back later than us and we still meet up with them. My second dc is very close to a friend she made in second country and they see each other when they can, keep up on social media etc.

My dc had American accents (international schools) gone now but sweet to hear on old videos.

I hope it works out for you, it’s awful feeling homesick. I remember it well and I was happy being overseas.

[IJumpedAboardAPirateShip]

@steppemum this is fantastic, thankyou.

@IpanemaGallina yeah I mean on the surface I’m happy and I’m so grateful for the life we’ve had the opportunities we have here

[steppemum]

Also, food for thought, if you do stay in the US until your kids have finished high school, it is extremely unlikely that they will never choose to move to UK and settle there, they will have become US citzens and will most likely settle there for good. That then leaves you with the dilema of moving bakc to the UK, and having to travel half way round the world to see them and your future grandkids.

One of my mum's friends actually did just this. She is nearly 80, still there, would love to be in UK, but her dds and gds are all there.

[IJumpedAboardAPirateShip]

That is a huge part of my thinking already @steppemum if we get citizenship they will always have the option to return but no I don’t want to be in a situation that’s guaranteed they’ll never be in the uk

[pigeon999]

After university they will look for a job/home. The upheaval will be too much for them at that age, you will end up having to leave them behind if you come back. If you move now, they will make new friends, settle down and move on to British universities and then they can decide where they wish to live, with a UK base. London is a wonderful place to cut your teeth in most industries, but Paris too and other European capitals. Either way you are not stuck in a country you fell out of love with a long time ago. The resentment will kick in, and after a few years the bitterness too. So if you are going home, the window is small with your eldest.

[IJumpedAboardAPirateShip]

@pigeon999 that’s exactly how I feel. And if they chose to come back to America then I wouldn’t want to clip their wings but the thought that I would never be able to move home because they would then see America as their home is devastating

We had our first therapy session and it was so good, we both went into it feeling very positive and came out feeling very positive. Just having someone else we were directing our thoughts and questions too meant we heard each other and we listened and I was able to be a lot more honest than I normally am. DH said a few things that made me like a suggestion about me just spending more time in the U.K. (nope, that’s absolutely not what I want - how about we go home and HE spend more time in California?!) but it felt like a good step. We’re def going for citizenship to keep our options open and that could take a good year. My aim is to have us both agreed together to go back next summer as soon as citizenship comes through. Hopefully therapy together means DH will get more onboard and not feel like I manipulated and dragged him back. And we’ll always have the option to return.....

[HoldMyLobster]

That sounds really positive OP. I do think it's important to get citizenship before you leave if you possibly can.

It sounds like moving back to the UK really would make you much happier, and if you get citizenship for your kids then they have the option of moving back to the US in the future if that's what they want.

steppemum's advice is excellent. I moved my kids UK to US when the oldest was 6, and I wish I'd had some of that advice for her to smooth her pathway.

The move may be bumpy for your kids, but then everything we do in life has a risk. There are no perfect decisions. You've done your share of living somewhere you're unhappy for other people's sake, and you don't have to be the one who makes that sacrifice forever.

[DaneBrains]

I am in a very similar position and mixed feelings, I think Covid has made me feel more trapped.

Pros and cons to it all so I can't jump the boat but wish I hadn't left in first place.

Been a fab adventure and experienced things many home will never but at such a time of having babies etc, it made life very hard.

We are on the West states too. Where abouts are you? Maybe you are relatively close and would like an English friend. Sometimes just chatting to someone who relates and understands helps. Locals here don't get it because they've lived here all their life, obviously from same country & culture.

[IJumpedAboardAPirateShip]

Would love that @DaneBrains I think all my expat friends are sick of me talking about it!!

I’m in LA - where are you?

Thankyou @HoldMyLobster part of me feels like we should just go because otherwise I’ll always be left thinking what if

[DaneBrains]

I'm further up North in Oregon.
It's fantastic here in so many ways but I'm always going to not belong.
I feel some times it may be too late. We also don't have extended family and have just moved in past 3yrs, so started out in a total different state / culture. Therefore it feels scary to cut all the connections we have worked so hard to make.

Tricky.
Hindsight is a bitch.
I should have follow led my intuition rather than my positive / adventurous side.

Maybe would feel different if not a parent.

We are in a very small town of folk who've lived here forever, with very strong religious and political views and not much diversity.

Met some wonderful people but it's been tricky and eye opening.

[Wishingstarr]

Another thing to be aware of OP is if you want them to go to Uni in the U.K. you have to be back 3 years before they can get the U.K. rate. If you wait until HS graduation he would have to pay international student fees.

On the other hand go to Germany and it’s virtually free.

[Wishingstarr]

I am in Seattle not been back in the U.K. for 25 years to live, but did live in Germany for 6 years more recently. My kids have dual citizenship. My parents died when I was a teen so I don’t have those issues, sadly. Don’t expect to retire here. Thinking of Portugal. The U.K. is so uncertain now.

[IJumpedAboardAPirateShip]

Yeah am super aware of the Brit. Uni foreign v resident fees. In theory I would consider a European country within a train ride of london (another big part of wanting to go home is climate anxiety and guilt over all the flights) but brexit has kind of put pay to that....

[IJumpedAboardAPirateShip]

Also @Wishingstarr I’m sorry for the loss of your parents, puts it all into
Perspective

[Smellysaurus]

Just a point on your DH - mine is notoriously resistant to biggish new ideas
(we live abroad and coming here was one of these “big ideas”). I am a planner by nature, so research everything and then have an idea of what we could be jumping in to. DH isn’t, so we have to go through a tough process of getting him to even be open to something before we (he) can then consider it.

Our decision making happens at totally different paces. It’s frustrating because I feel like he just blocks me sometimes without thinking it through when I’m standing there with what I feel are all the facts for an informed decision. He sometimes feels like I’ve raced ahead without him so it’s easier to just say no/shut it down/disengage.

As my role at work has become more senior, influencing stakeholders has been a more significant part of my job. Some of the tips and tricks on the topic of influencing has helped in my personal life too .

though sometimes I’ve just had to go ahead and do whatever it is, or give an ultimatum but that usually just shows him I’m very serious rather than just another crazy idea

Sounds like therapy is a great way forward for you both particularly that your DH was open to the idea as it shows he’s willing to find a solution.

I hope it works out well for you. Be prepared to fall in love with where you are all over again the second you make your plan to move back. Sod’s law.

[lifesnotaspectatorsport]

Hi OP, ugh that's a really tricky situation to navigate. I know you both came out of the therapy session feeling positive but could that be because you both hope you can persuade the other?? Your DH suggesting you spend more time in the U.K. sounds like he is a long way from wanting/agreeing to go himself. Are you sure he isn't just using the citizenship thing as an excuse to kick the can down the road for another year and then your eldest is too old/ settled etc??

I do have sympathy for both sides to be honest. He's settled and it doesn't sound like he wants to return at all. Sometimes when you leave a country you leave it behind. DH and I are both British, been abroad 5 years now in 2 countries, have had 3 kids while overseas and we have zero homesickness for U.K. In fact when I go back to see family/ friends, while I love to see the people I feel I don't belong there any more. I feel it's become somehow smaller, more insular. I hate Brexit and loathe the current "government". I can imagine that if DH turned round and said he wanted to go "home" I'd be pretty unenthusiastic. And it's so hard to compromise on a thing like this. You may have agreed it was only 3-4 years but then you stayed double that and maybe he feels it's a whole new discussion.

I guess what I'm saying is that you need to resist making this only about what you want (no matter how badly you want it, and that's valid) and try to listen to him and find ways to compromise. Maybe he would prefer to live in a different part of the U.K.? Maybe you could return to California every summer? The big sacrifice is on his part if he moves so what else can you do to balance it?

Wish you very good luck with it all.

[pigeon999]

One thing I did learn about moving overseas is that it will never feel like 'home'. I waited for that feeling of belonging, and it just didn't happen. I loved my life and home, but nothing could replace it.

I live a very gentle English life now, I can drive to see my parents and family, we can have family garden parties, Christmas together (that was always the worst time of the year for me)
I feel safe and a sense of belonging here, that is only an obvious quality after a long stint overseas. I really wouldn't swap it for anywhere! Most countries are amazing to visit, to learn from, but a permanent move is a whole different ballgame.

Good luck!

[DreamingofSunshine]

Not much advice but sympathy. We are in Europe and have been doing DS and I in London term.time, DH weekly commuting and us going there for the holidays. We used to live there but I needed to be near family for health issues.

CV19 needs no more weekly commuting, and we need to make a decision. DS is young but has speech issues and a developmental delay so I feel he needs consistency to help with these issues and get a full diagnosis.

[steppemum]

Just like to let you know that the overseas rule about students doesn't always apply.

If you can prove that you were on an overseas assignment temporarily, and always intended to return to the UK, then your kids are classed as UK citizens.
Things that help you prove this (not all necessary, the more the better):
a contract that has limited time on it, eg 2 years renewable
maintained links to UK, regular visits, house here, grandparents here, Uk pension pot etc
letter from your employer saying it was a temporary and renewable contract
Uk based employer
any tax paid in UK (eg on rental income)

I know of a families who have been overseas for a long time who have successfully sent their kids back to uni with UK fees.

Every uni is different, some rarely award it, some often do.

[IJumpedAboardAPirateShip]

Interesting to know @steppemum although by that point I doubt my kids will want to go to a british uni

Fair and valid points @lifesnotaspectatorsport and yes I absolutely think we both saw therapy as positive because we both think we can convince the other one. I’m very willing to say let’s give it 2 years and if it’s awful come back