Storm Part 3 (for partners of people with cancer)

[Willowkins]

Continuing the thread, mostly supporting partners of people with cancer - just in case it's needed.

The previous thread is here

[Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

@Frikonastick I didn't even try. It's not something you have to do if you don't want to. But if it's important to you, could you have something written in advance that you could give to the celebrant so they could take over from you If necessary? Or even just read on your behalf? Our celebrant suggested both of these as options so I think they're quite common.

And remember you've already discovered reserves of strength you didn't know you had. You will be fine. And if you're not, that's fine too.

Nope. No way I could have spoken at the funeral. I wrote the eulogy and then asked a family friend who was also a minister (so used to speaking up front) to read it out. She did a good job I sat next to kids and held on for dear life. How did I get through? I've probably posted on this before but one of my best friends had a bag full of cans of gin & tonic.

'Luckily' we was still under Covid rules so wasn't allowed to read an Eulogy but there was no way I could have done it. Our celebrant told 'our story'

On the day I just kept looking straight ahead, avoided eye contact where I could and cried / sobbed lots and lots - it's ok to cry and it's ok not to cry, you do whatever you need to do to get through it.

I have written something. I feel like I do want to speak, because I want everyone to know, I want to tell them, how amazing he was. I don’t know how to describe it.

im a very private person, I always think I’m a like an iceberg. And this one time, I want everyone to see the enormity, the depth of my feeling.

I didn't speak but his adult DD did and she was amazing, like you she wanted to. She wasn't sure she could so we had a back up speaker in place and her partner was ready to go up and be with her but she didn't need either of those things. Could you have a back up plan, just in case?

I did it.

I survived. My DD14 also stood up and spoke, I’ve never been prouder.

im desperate to go to sleep now. It feels like the first day, all over again.

just raw unfiltered unimaginable loss and pain.

I need him, I can’t believe he is gone. I am bereft.

please can it be undone. Please.

Hope you are sleeping now @Frikonastick . Thinking of you and your amazing daughter.

for you and your daughter and your sincere desire that it didn't really happen.

I found the Mumsnet gin

Thanks @Willowkins and @MontyDonsBlueScarf

yesterday was bearable, and this morning I have woken up feeling less insane. I got about 6 hours sleep which helps.

Those feelings overwhelm us still don't they? I keep telling DH that he can come back now. I mean, I know he can't but I still say it. for you and your DD @Frikonastick

@Frikonastick I'm so sorry your husband is gone now.
I've been off here since soon after my husband died, because I didn't have any energy to write or headspace. Funeral planning takes everything, at a time when you don't have anything left to give.
I too want my OH back. Like crazy. It's so surreal, like it can't actually be true. This is too final and I just miss him too much for it to be true.
I think we both had funerals on the same day - Tuesday?
I spoke at ours. I had to stop and blow my nose a few times and take some breaths (my kids told me afterwards I should have turned away from the microphone to blow my nose...whoops). But I said some of what I needed to say. I could have written the speech a hundred times over and not said everything though.
My kids had made a photo slideshow of their daddy, it was beautiful. The day was beautiful and so much love shown. But now....what do I do now?
What are you doing?
People are giving me space to rest and process now, but I'm all fidgety, restless and confused. I want my lovely man back.

((Hugs to everyone who needs them))

I struggled with the initial time afterwards, before I'd been so busy organising things, looking after DH was a full time job. Then immediately afterwards the funeral to arrange, the never ending flowers, friends etc. My mum was with me as well so it didn't feel 'real' I still had stuff to do. After the funeral (no wake as Covid rules) it was horrible, me and DS came home and the house was empty. It was quiet. I still even now (2 years on) make food for 3 each meal, I don't seem able to judge '2' at all. It took a good few weeks to settle into our new 'normal'. I have this week sorted out one of his bedside drawers and it all comes back 😢. But most days now I think of him / talk about him with a smile.

I think at some level I'd expected that this would be some kind of linear progression - OK there would be ups and downs, but there would be a recognisable trend. But what I'm finding is that there are long periods when it's more or less fine and then suddenly it's VERY MUCH NOT FINE FOR NO APPARENT REASON. I'm coming to the conclusion that that's actually normal and it was foolish of me to have expected anything else.

I think back to that long period when it was so important to live in the moment and make the most of every day. I like to think I got quite good at that when I was doing it for someone else. Somehow it's harder to do when it's just for me.

@bloodywhitecat , @linspins , @notapizzaeater , @MontyDonsBlueScarf

thank you. when I read your posts what I feel is relief. The relief to have a connection to people who understand. Who can articulate my own experience.

thank you

my parents leave tomorrow

it will be as you say @notapizzaeater , just me and DD. I know its the next thing to somehow get through, adjust to, survive.

Hi. How is everyone today?

I'm well ty @Willowkins - you ?

Tired to take DS to a outdoor concert last night but he couldn't cope, too loud, noisy, crowds etc (bloody ASD !) but he tried and that's all that matters.

Playing down tomorrow - filled it with 'stuff'

How has you been today @notapizzaeater? I'm up and down but the funeral anniversary is over now so feel like I'm coming out of the other side. I don't want anxiety to define my life. I booked a holiday to a special place that we always said we'd go back to but never did.

Both my adult-DC on the spectrum so I get the noise thing - they both wear headphones all the time.

@Willowkins we got through the day by ignoring it tbh .....

My dad was working so I'd already sent his card / pressie so we could just ignore it.

I know I haven't been around much, dh passed away 9th June, after some very traumatic months his last few days were peaceful in our local hospice. He lay in my arms just the two of us and I felt his last heartbeat and last breath. His very last words the day before he died were in the middle of the night again just the two of us were "I love you and I'm sorry".

His funeral isn't until the 28th July due to a back log as another crematorium locally is shut.

The list of thing to do is too long to even start to work on. I'm just numb.

@loubieloo4 my heart goes out to you, I'm glad your DH had a peaceful death and you were with him

@loubieloo4 I'm so sorry. Those are wonderful last moments to remember.

The hospice will guide you on what you need to do next but although it's overwhelming, in the end it's not as much as you think. Take your time and do things when you're ready, or at least when you can bear to. There's nothing to be gained by forcing yourself. Sending love and strength.

I'm so sorry to read your sad news, @loubieloo4

@loubieloo4 so sorry to hear this news.

@loubieloo4 I’m so sorry, my heart is with you xxx