Storm Part 3 (for partners of people with cancer)

[Willowkins]

Continuing the thread, mostly supporting partners of people with cancer - just in case it's needed.

The previous thread is here

[Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

@Frikonastick I'm so sorry. Don't be in a rush to tell people - take as long as you need. Can you tell one person for them to pass it along ?

@Frikonastick sending strength and courage. Whatever you feel like doing is exactly the right thing to do. We are here to hold a space for you.

Oh @Frikonastick I am so sorry. Take your time, say the words when you are ready 🌹

So sorry @Frikonastick
You are in my thoughts today.

I'm sorry, I've only just your post. You know you can tell us anything. Wise words from PPs to take your time and maybe find someone who can share the news for you.
I'm sending a virtual handhold while you take a breath and process all this.

@Frikonastick hope you're doing as well as you can be x

A lurker on this thread and its predecessors, but want to send my sincere condolences to @Frikonastick
I am so very sorry for your loss. You express the pain and privilege of being there at the end so well.

Many

It’s the end of day two. The world is weirdly incomprehensible to me. I realise now that actually, on a fundamental level, I never accepted that he was actually going to die. Because I am in disbelief. It is not real.

DD is doing ok, she seems very relieved by the fact that she is ok. I am grateful beyond measure that she is ok at this point because I would fail her miserably if she wasn’t. There isn’t enough of me left.

i have found it nearly impossible to speak to anyone, let alone respond to messages etc etc. my brother has decided now is the time to tell me what an awful person I am. Did that happen to anyone else? Someone being so awful to you at a time like this? Luckily I’m still full of cotton wool and the ringing echo of the detonation of my soul that I can’t really feel it

@Frikonastick that happened to me too. I spent far too long and gave much too much headspace to their accusations. Just because they say it, it doesn't mean that you have to pick it up. I and I'm sure many others are in awe of your integrity, courage and love, and we are the ones who know what it costs. Hold on to that.

Oh @Frikonastick how awful of your brother.

People can be awful @Frikonastick and selfish and distant. They can also be wonderful and supportive and give you gin just when you need it.
I truly believe that most people don't understand, because they've never experienced it, just how cruel cancer is - and for partners, it can twist what starts as romantic love into a desperate struggle for their survival.
Family and friends can think their grief and trauma is at least on a par with yours. They Have No Idea.
So let it wash over you because their opinions are uninformed and unimportant.

The shock you're going through is normal. Your DD's reaction is normal. It gets better.

Sending special thoughts for @bloodywhitecat on your anniversary. May you find a sliver of joy, somewhere, in the midst of your grief and sadness.

@bloodywhitecat nothing I can say can make it better, just know I'm hugging you from afar. X

Thank you, I have found it the hardest day so far which has taken me by surprise. I did find joy though, I took myself off for a walk and saw things that would've made him smile which, in turn, made me smile. It's just always there isn't it? The missing them and the heavy feeling. Tomorrow I get my fosterling back, that will be a big distraction from this horrible heaviness. Much love to all on this thread

Me again, sorry. I have really taken a downward turn over the last few weeks, everything feels pointless which is ridiculous as I have two wonderful, adult, kids. I feel worse today than I did in the immediate aftermath 15 months ago. Can anyone relate to feeling this way?

@Willowkins this time round, I'm not far enough in to have experienced that exactly. But 35 years ago I lost a different partner, and I remember that being totally up and down for a long, long time. Eventually i noticed that there was probably more up than down, but it didn't stop the downs coming or lessen the depth of them. In fact I think I still have the potential to feel just as down about it, but it doesn't sneak up on me any more. This time round I fully expect to have many downward turns, but although they are horrible to live through they don't frighten me so much as I know it's just part of the pattern.

I'm glad you can share that with us because I think that acknowledging your feelings and your fears is really the only way out of this. You can try going round it for ever but if you do, it will always hold power over you.

I'm wondering whether you have nothing in particular to do now to give you something else to focus on, so maybe there's space for these feelings to come out again. Be kind to yourself while they do, they will pass.

And perhaps re-read your other thread when everything feels pointless. You have given and are still giving hope and encouragement to many others. That is far from pointless. It is utterly unfair and unacceptable that you have to go through this to be in a position to do that but it is a testament to your courage and love that you choose to use your pain that way.

Sorry that should have been @bloodywhitecat , yet another example of things I think I'm doing OK but it turns out I'm not. I can see why people say you shouldn't make any big decisions for 12 months, I seem to be incapable of getting even small things right. Apologies to both of you.

No problem @MontyDonsBlueScarf I totally agree we're here to support each other.
As it happens I've been pondering about this anniversary business myself because the 4th anniversary is coming up this weekend. I remember Year 1, my neighbour knocked on my door to talk about something - actually I have no idea what, I was too upset. I got irritated with people even mentioning it in Year 2 & 3 - the memory was too painful and I just wanted to forget it. This year, I feel more balanced. I want to go somewhere peaceful and reflect and I'll take my woolly hug. Next year might be different again. I think all that is a long-winded way of saying: grief is complicated.

Thank you both. This thread is a source of great help and support, I think I maybe need to get myself something like a woolly hug for comfort at times like this. Things I can usually shake off are making me want to cry at the moment but the tears are stuck somewhere and inside me.

I am bereft, desolate, unmade, almost inhuman with my grief. I hear his last breaths on loop, but I feel him here with me. So close. He is not gone from me.

@bloodywhitecat I send you what I cannot find for myself, peace and calm and comfort xxx

I'm here because my husband has stage four cancer, and I feel for you all who are currently facing what will be my future, but my question is a little different. My friend's husband took his own life last year, the anniversary is approaching. We talk about him all the time. I want to send flowers to her on the anniversary - nice idea or crass? I know every day is hard for her, not just the anniversary, so don't want to get it wrong.

@Frikonastick this unmaking is what clears space for a different version of yourself to be created. Sending courage and peace.

@DwightShrutesgirlfriend Welcome to the group, there are some amazing people on here.
I haven't got to my first anniversary yet, but I've had a birthday and a wedding anniversary and I would have appreciated flowers on both of those. Not huge funeral tribute style ones, just a small cheering bunch that we might have picked from the garden to enjoy together. But then my DH loved flowers.
Everyone is different and the pattern of grief means that the same person is different at different and unpredictable times. So I don't think that there's a straightforward answer to your question. There does seem to be a general agreement that it's good to have special times acknowledged and it's bad when people avoid you because they don't know what to say. Sorry that's not much help, You are already helping massively by talking about him all the time.

Thank you @MontyDonsBlueScarf

Have just finished doing the photos and music for DHs memorial next week. I am really struggling.

i don’t know how I’m going to make it through

Did any of you speak at the funeral? How did you manage it?