Storm Part 3 (for partners of people with cancer)

[Willowkins]

Continuing the thread, mostly supporting partners of people with cancer - just in case it's needed.

The previous thread is here

[Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

So sorry that you've gone through this@loubieloo4 . Those last words will stay with you. As for the list, I remember I powered through because I just wanted to get it over and done with ... and I wish I had taken more time.

thinking of you @loubieloo4

When will the pain of my heartbreaking stop? It physically hurts. The loneliness is so hard. I just want to go back to being numb or preferably with dh 😞

@loubieloo4 , I feel you, omg do I feel you. We are definitely in the wilderness. Sending you what I can’t find for myself, strength, comfort, peace xxx

I was so so so angry at first, in the few weeks after DH dying things where breaking down all over the house ! I still joke that when I get to heaven the first thing I'm going to do is belt him for sending me all the crap, then I will hold him might and not let go. It's when you 'forget' and then remember all over again 😭

Oh god I haven't been on here for a bit and am so sorry to see the news from @Frikonastick @linspins and @loubieloo4 . God this is so f**king unfair. Sending so much love to you all. I wish I could take this away. How is today? I hope it's a gentle one.

We found out today that my husband's second line chemo hasn't worked. There's a third but it's crap so I think we're at the start of the end now. I'm not ready and I just can't do it. Our kids are only 1, just turned 4 and just turned 6. What the f**k am I going to do? Has anyone been through this with tiny kids or know anyone who has who can give me hope? My husband is my rock and such a hands on dad. I have no idea how to do this life, or raise these kids, without him. It sounds awful but I just find myself wishing I could swap places with him right now. I know he has it worse off and my heart breaks for him, but I don't know how to handle this amount of heartache and I know he would be better at it and would do a better job of raising the kids alone.

@seethebeauty84 , I get it, I spent the whole time DH was ill wishing it was me that was dying, not him. He was so much better than me in every way, although he would be so cross with me for thinking and feeling that way. He thought I was wonderful.

With a small amount of hindsight, I think the underlying reason for my feeling that way was because the thought of navigating the world without him was so overwhelming, death seemed the easier option.

if I can offer you any comfort at all, it’s that by the time you get to where I am, things get distilled into their most essential parts, and so are manageable. You will manage. In the meantime, I wish you fortitude and strength xxx

@Frikonastick Thank you so much for that. And for offering comfort when you are, yourself, in such pain. How are you doing today? And your daughter, how is she coping?

Yes I think you're right - I have no idea how to survive without him and how to raise these kids alone, and death seems easier.

That is such a comfort that things feel more manageable where you are now. I have imagined throughout this that this part is the worst bit - watching them deteriorate - and I am so, so scared. How do people survive without losing their minds and physically crumbling? I can't eat or sleep right now. But then I know when they've gone must be awful too, so it feels like the pain never ends.

Sending love to all xxx

I still wish it was me and not dh, he is so much better at this stuff. I went out today on my own for the first time and sat in Costa crying into my coffee like some sad little stranger 😭

@loubieloo4 Yesterday was 8 weeks since DH died, and as it’s school holidays here, I took DD out on a day trip to an adventure park we have been going to as a family for years. I woke at 3am the morning of, and cried for about 2 hours. And I cried on and off the whole day. I’m absolutely shattered today. But. But we also had a good day. DD was fully joyful and I am so grateful that she can still be. I can’t get there myself, but watching her be in the moment is such a comfort.

@seethebeauty84 nobody survives without losing their minds and crumbling. The secret is, both of those states are not linear, nor definitive, nor finite.

Oh @loubieloo4 my heart breaks for you. But getting out by yourself and doing that is a brave step.

@Frikonastick thank you so much for that message. It's one of the most comforting things anyone has said to me actually. I keep beating myself up for not being able to hold it together at the moment. And it feels like the pain is endless.

It's so wonderful to hear that your daughter was able to be fully joyful at the adventure park. How old is she? Is she doing ok in general?

I haven't been here much lately but you have all been in my thoughts. I see your pain and your courage and I am honoured to be part of your community. Our community.

How's everyone doing? Xxx

We're just plodding along - had a weeks holiday with a friend and her daughter - was horrified to realise on the plane I'd forgot 'DH' - I've been sprinkling a little of him wherever I go anywhere hot ! (He / we loved holidays) came home this weekend and winter appears to have arrived ?? Can't believe I'm looking at the log burner and contemplating lighting it in July 🤣🤣🤣. DH would have hated this he was def a heat lover - hated hated being cold.

How's everyone else ?

Hi. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment - just so much to do and too many social events. I'm just getting over COVID and together with the fatigue and brain fog, I kept thinking I'd missed something. And then I realised we're going to be away overnight and I'd forgotten the cat! I think she'll be alright as it's just 24 hours but it's one more thing to fix/worry about.

It's the 100% life admin that's a killer but realistically I did it all before so it's not new ! It's realising you 'have' to do it. Our placid easy going DDog was unexpectedly PTS 6 months before DH died, we'd already got a new dog in transit from Rumania at the time so we wouldn't have replaced him so soon but didn't really have a choice. She's lovely but 'placid and easy going' aren't words ever used to describe her ! We love her lots but by god she's hard work - it's things like sharing the load on things like this I miss. The nattering about Coronation Street, the deciding what to have for tea (DS has no preference and eats whatever is put in front of him)

We should organise a UK meet up over tea and cake ! Virtual for @Frikonastick x

Thanks for letting me moan. I sorted yesterday's list out and now I just need to clean and tidy the house because someone will be coming to check on the cat at the weekend. I wish I was one of those people who find housework relaxing.

Another one here just plodding on.

@notapizzaeater I get what you mean by not sharing the load, it's strange that it feels like that even though realistically I'd been doing it all for some time anyway. It's the constant little decisions that I find so wearing.

My garden is coming into full production now, which is lovely but also difficult as we both used to enjoy it so much. I'm also finding it hard to adjust my food shopping appropriately so most of my meals lately have been made up from weird surpluses found in the fridge/ glut from the garden. At least it makes for some interesting meals!

@Willowkins I am impressed by your many social events, housework can wait.

Talking of which (sort of) I'm finding lots of bigger jobs round the house that all seem to need doing at the same time - sorting some electrics, painting, repairing things.... it feels as if the place is falling into disrepair if I so much as look at it. I'm hoping it's just a backlog from the combination of DH not having been able to keep up with things for a while, and me not noticing because I had other things on my mind.

Tea and cake (or even gin) sounds v v good.

Thanks @MontyDonsBlueScarf I came home and my DD had tidied and swept the living room. I need to stop overthinking.

Hi everyone.

does anyone else have suicidal ideation? Like, I don’t actually plan on killing my self, but I think about it a lot. Just the bliss of oblivion.

my life is a mechanical sum of parts. And I am doing all the things. Everything is functioning and functional. But it’s like the difference between a robot and a person. Only one is actually alive.

can you be dead and still moving? It would seem so.

@Frikonastick all the time, to the point where my mum has me on "suicide" watch. I don't want to actually die but I do want to be with dh and really wouldn't give two shits if I was told I was dying.

It's finally DH's funeral tomorrow, I feel so sick and just want to bury my head in the sand. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers at 2pm xx

@Frikonastick I didn't have those thoughts but I was on ADs at the time and having counselling on and off so maybe that helped.
@loubieloo4 we'll be thinking of you.

Sending so much love @loubieloo4 xxx

Thinking of you today @loubieloo4.

@Frikonastick the first time I lost a partner (in an accident out of the house) I went home and took an overdose. It just seemed the logical thing to do.

I don't feel like that this time but then I do have the experience of having once somehow made it through to find love and joy in life again. For the moment my life seems pointless, flat and empty but from time to time I catch myself smiling at something like my dog running around having a lovely time. Those times are rare but the feel like the first signs of new shoots after the nuclear winter.

@loubieloo4 hope todays gibe as well as it can x