Storm Part 3 (for partners of people with cancer)

[Willowkins]

Continuing the thread, mostly supporting partners of people with cancer - just in case it's needed.

The previous thread is here

[Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

Oh Frik, I think a lot of us know where you're at and it is hell. The hospice here only came to DH once or twice (charity funded too) but they were available at the end of the phone although they were under so much pressure I often had leave a message and wait for a call back. 24/7 caring is a place none of us should ever have to find ourselves in but somehow we do. I am sending you so much love and strength.

Thinking of you @frickonastick

I know we're all holding our collective breaths for Frik but I just wanted to check in. How is everyone today?

This is very mundane but I've started sorting out some more of DH's stuff. I found this box after he died and just put it in a cupboard because it was so overwhelming. It's a mishmash of old paperwork, keepsakes and birthday cards. Reading the cards, his family made some awful comments - just a bit too mean to be banter. It made me sad for him that he'd even kept them. I'm wondering now what else I'll find.

The issue of sorting stuff is looming large for me, @Willowkins. At first I thought it would be very easy - I bundled up most of DH's shoes and took them to the charity shop in the first week. But since then, more than two years on, I've done nothing. The house is big so it is fairly easy just not to see things. So DH's study at the top of the house is full of stuff, including the bag of his clothes that came home from the hospice, still unopened. His clothes are all still in our - my - bedroom. I have an enormous list of things to do and this is well up there, but I keep hoping for a moment when I'll want to do it and it never comes.

I'll need to downsize in the next few years and I definitely don't want to leave all this stuff for DS to deal with down the line.

I'm sure a bereavement specialist would say that this is me failing to process my grief. It probably is.

Thinking of you, @Frikonastick. I know how impossibly hard it is.

I get it SchrodingersKitty. I have a go at this every so often and I keep finding more stuff. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish between stuff and memories😥

I've a double garage full of stuff plus an upstairs study - I got rid of most of his day to day clothes quite quickly as I had a friend in need so that was easy, I haven't opened the wardrobe with his shirts / suits in yet.

I've been really poorly tonight some sort of horrid sickness bug, I'm normally very resilient but all I wanted was him bringing me some ice 😭

I'm off on a girls holiday to Thailand in 2 weeks, that will be hard, I've never done long haul without him - my mum is moving in fir 2 weeks to look after DS

@Frikonastick I think of you everyday x

Hope you're feeling better notapizzaeater. Thailand with the girls sounds awesome.
Meanwhile🍹(there's some virtual ice in that there emoji)

Another one here with masses of sorting to do. Someone told me that taking photos of things made it easier to let them go, I haven't tried that yet but I plan to. It might make it possible to give up the stuff but keep the memories.

I'm finding that quite unexpected things can jump up and punch me in the gut, and other things that I think are going to be hard are actually relatively easy. Some shoes set me off yesterday. Knowing I'm risking that makes it even harder to get started.

It's easier if I know that things are going where they're needed by someone, rather than to a charity shop. I took all his warm clothes to a collection point for Ukraine and that actually felt good. I thought I'd advertise some of the better things locally but that's turned out to be quite traumatic, the whole process of cleaning/tidying, photographing, posting, dealing with questions etc is more than I can handle. So not sure where to go with that.

@notapizzaeater I was worried about going on the ski trip I've just returned from but it was actually better than being at home and I came back with a much clearer head, I hope it's the same for you.

Hugs to everyone.

A year on and I still have pretty much all of his stuff, letting it go feels too hard. I am even struggling with the idea of getting a skip and clearing the garage which desperately needs doing. The MOT is due on the car soon, ordinarily I would've been the one to organise it all as I was home full time, fostering while he worked full time and I am even struggling with that.

Last weekend (which was the anniversary of his death) I saw Small, Dot and Boy Wonder, (our little fosterlings, Boy Wonder and Dot are half siblings who we fostered separately. First we had Boy Wonder then Small came to join us. Boy Wonder was adopted just after DH had his surgery leaving just Small, after a few months Dot came to us straight from hospital so she spent her first year with Small before being adopted by Boy Wonder's family) their respective parents are keeping Small in touch with Dot and Boy Wonder as they all feel the children played an important part in each others lives. Small, the boy who wasn't going to walk or talk, chats away nineteen to the dozen and always tells me "That One, love you". He was up the tallest climbing frame at the park and coming down the slides with minimal support. Dot is a tiny dot still, still in 9-12 month clothing but a real force to be reckoned with, ain't nobody going to push her around. She's 21 months now and streets ahead in speech and reasoning. Boy Wonder has become a kind, caring and sensitive boy with no fear of heights, streets ahead of his 3 years with his physical skills. Seeing them made a hard weekend a happier event.

@notapizzaeater I hope your trip goes better than you could ever expect.

@Frikonastick you are always in my thoughts

I’ve just had a massive crying jag and panic attack. It’s 11:30 at night here. We are in the middle of a massive storm and some sixth sense made me get up and check on the house and fuck me but the whole front lounge is pouring water in from the ceiling. I think the whole section of roof above has failed. So I ran back to check on DH that it wasn’t leaking above him, then spent frantic minutes running finding bowls and buckets and towels and trying to move furniture and tvs etc etc and then check the rest of the house, had to wake DD up to help. And I just, I’m already so fucking tired and defeated. I got DD back to bed and then went into my wardrobe in the dark and just fucking howled. I have no idea if the insurance will cover it, I don’t even know who it’s insured under. Or if it’s insured at all!!! And truthfully all I could feel the whole time is the devastating loss of my husband who is still alive but not my life partner anymore.

Hey Frik all I can offer is that you're not alone. I'm here on the other side of the world and holding your hand.
It's hard when you get to that point, when you think, maybe I can do this, and something else comes along to bring you to your knees. All I can say is that somehow we do survive this and you will too.
You've done everything you can do tonight. Tomorrow you can make a list of what you need to do tomorrow. Can you try to get to sleep, even if it's just a couple of hours?

It's just more shit on top of everything else.

In the first few weeks after DH died we had about 8 'big things' go wrong, things broke, blocked, leaked etc I was bloody furious with my DH - how could he leave me sorting all the stuff out ! I have very black humour and still say when I get to heaven (or possibly hell) first thing I'm doing is belting him .....

Hope you've managed to get some sleep.

Oh Frik, why does the universe see fit to test us to the max when we are already at our lowest point. I hope you get everything sorted and the insurance pay out.

I'm so sorry @Frikonastick - it's total hell. I too had everything piling on top at once - I seem to remember a car knocking into our garden wall just when DH began to develop psychosis. There are moments when you pass through tragedy and into farce.

As @Willowkins says, you will survive it - but its a horrendous battering in the meantime. Minute by minute. We are here with you.

Yesterday was the funeral of a local friend I've known for over 25 years. Lovely service, church absolutely packed. It was the first time I've cried since DH's funeral. I cried buckets during his illness but really nothing since. It's strange how funerals do that - I couldn't stop shaking - a really strong physiological reaction.

Hello everyone.
My darling, brave wonderful husband has very late stage bowel cancer...it's in his liver, lungs, lymph nodes and spine now, and a tumour is squeezing his heart artery and making him short of breath. He's been given maybe weeks....maybe more, possibly less.
This is near the end of a two and a half year treatment journey.
We have two kids, son 13 and daughter 16.
My heart is broken for them, and me.

@linspins I am so sorry, it is a path no-one ever wants to find themself on and yet, somehow we do. Have you got support in place? You have found a safe space here to rant and talk

@linspins so sorry to hear about your DH. it's a horrible path that nothing ever gets us ready for. Please rant away here, it's a safe space.

Hi. My DH had bowel cancer too - and mets in liver and lungs. It's a hell of a journey and I'm sorry you find yourself here. Sending you a virtual handhold.

@Willowkins I'm scared of what is facing us...although the bowel cancer was the primary, it's the lung and liver tumours that are actually causing him pain and problems, and the lung one has unhelpfully put a tumour encompassing the artery in to his heart, so circulation is now poor and breathing a struggle.
Am I just going to watch him gasp for breath? No one has told us yet what to expect as the cancer progresses towards the end. Will his heart just stop? It's so scary. The time scale is so unknown. He's breathing enough to keep his oxygen saturation just high enough so far, and eating, drinking, going to the loo ok. He looks grey skinned though and his skin has gone all soft.

My DD GCSE's start in just over two weeks....how crappy is that for timing after she's worked SO hard so far. It's all unfair and shit, and that is just an extra shitty bit.

The thing that crushes me totally is that he will never get to hear anyone one call him grandad. And I know he would be literally the best grandad.

I get it linspins. So many unknowns and you're having to be strong for your family too. I found the local hospice really helpful - they had the best drugs to keep MrW comfortable and they were so kind. It might be worth reaching out even if it's just for advice. Also, the exam board will make allowances for this kind of situation so make sure the school lets them know. I know none of that fixes this. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

Hi lovely people, my husband has stage 4 bowel cancer (inoperable, incurable, we're 1 treatment line down and there are only really 2 ones that actually do anything). We have 3 kids under the age of 6 and I'm drowning. Can I please join this thread? I am going to read through all of the comments here. Sending love to everyone in this, or a similar, hell xxx

You have found your safe space @seethebeauty84 I am so sorry you find yourself in this club too, do you have real life support in place?

Welcome seethebeauty84 but sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.