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Original poster

Thread for those who have a parent with cancer?

974 replies

Fhortu · 25/08/2021 13:50

I'm just wondering if there is a general one that I've missed, or, if not, if there's any interest in making one?
(I know there's Still the storm for people who have partners with terminal cancer.)

My mum was recently diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, and I'm sure there are other people here struggling with a parent's diagnosis.

OP posts:
EmotionalRollercoasterMess · 18/06/2022 17:36

Just checking in to say sorry for those who’ve lost their parent & for those who have joined. I feel for everyone who has had to join this club. Dad is doing ok for now. Best we can hope for I suppose.

Justmuddlingalong · 23/06/2022 14:03

Hope you don't mind me joining the thread, it's not a parent but my BIL who's ill.
We took 75 year old BIL to hospital today for the outcome of the multidisciplinary team meeting. He'd been admitted to hospital almost a fortnight ago, with symptoms of what was suspected to be a stroke. Unfortunately he has been diagnosed with lung cancer which has spread to his liver, adrenal glands and brain. Unsurprisingly, no further treatment is being offered because of how frail, confused and exhausted he is already. They've put him back on the steroids he had while he was an inpatient. But, that's it. Seems like a horrible, unwinnable waiting game now. He lives alone, is so pragmatic and grateful, it just breaks my heart.

Original poster
Fhortu · 24/06/2022 10:23

Justmuddlingalong

Of course, you're welcome to join. So sorry about your brother in law. An unwinnable waiting game is the perfect description for it.

OP posts:
Wallawallakoala · 26/06/2022 22:17

I'm so sorry that everyone is going through such a hard time.

I'm really, really struggling. It sounds so selfish when it's not about me. Mum had surgery which apparently went well but now has another lump they are treating as suspicious and has been rushed for MRI and CT scans.

We are away as of tomorrow for a week and I just have a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach, I don't know if she would get results next week or what would happen. She's supposed to be starting radiotherapy but they won't begin that until they know what the lump is and they really don't sound very reassuring about it. I'm so so scared. I am constantly in an awful mood and can't sleep so just exhausted all the time. I feel so sorry for my DC who are so tiny and don't deserve me to be like this, and certainly don't deserve to grow up without their amazing nana.

I'm such a mess I'm so sorry for unloading I just don't know what to do. I've emailed Macmillan but the nurse we have been allocated is either never available or is just very dismissive.

unicornsarereal72 · 11/07/2022 20:35

@Justmuddlingalong

Sorry to hear about your brother in law. We had the same news this weekend about my dad. I'm hoping we have a treatment plan to give us all some time. But hearing your situation it may not be on the cards. Wish it was Friday again and none of this was happening.

Justmuddlingalong · 11/07/2022 20:48

@unicornsarereal72
I'm sorry to hear your news. It's crap, that panicky, don't know what to expect or do feeling.
🤞Hopefully your DDad will be suitable for treatment.
BIL is currently back in hospital being treated for dehydration. He's fine in himself, but making the staff wages hard earned. I hope they realise how grateful we are, even if he isn't.

unicornsarereal72 · 11/07/2022 20:58

Let just hope we both get some time. X

AnxietyLevelMax · 13/07/2022 12:30

I guess I am gonna join too…not sure what to say. Impossible to catch up with all of the posts here but I am sorry all. Truly sorry.

unicornsarereal72 · 13/07/2022 13:51

@AnxietyLevelMax I'm sorry you are here. My head was in a complete spin over the weekend when we got the news. I'm a little calmer now. But sadly in a place none of us ever wanted to be.

AnxietyLevelMax · 13/07/2022 14:18

@unicornsarereal72 what type if cancer? How is ur parent coping with the news?

unicornsarereal72 · 13/07/2022 18:26

My dad was taken into hospital Friday. Scanned and told he had brain tumour. Sunday more scans and told lung cancer. Waiting on MRI and biopsy for more information. We will know more next week. He was really sick Friday but steroid and fluids have really helped. We think he knew he was ill for a while so he is more prepared than we thought. Unfortunately his brother in law has just died after 3 year battle with cancer so it's all a bit raw. Hope you and your family have good people around you all. Tough road a head

AnxietyLevelMax · 13/07/2022 19:56

@unicornsarereal72 i am sorry to hear that. How old is your dad? I hope you will get better news than you hope next week. Maybe it is fairly early stage and treatment might help for much longer than expected?
we found out about my dad in November last year. Mesothelioma. Terminal cancer. It was a shock and still is. Everyone goes on as he is just having a cold, no one really express how bad it is and what is about to come. My dad is a very quiet person and he just doesnt know how to talk about his feelings or anything actually. Dont get me wrong, he is a great dad to me and sacrificed a lot in his life. He was going to retire in 2 years and enjoy his grandson (my baby boy, 1.5yrs old now, first grandchild to my parents), and all i think about is he most likely wont see him going to school first time. I am so afraid of how it is going to be near the end it actually stops me from enjoying what i can now. Parents are not in UK so it doesnt help either.

AnxietyLevelMax · 13/07/2022 19:57

@unicornsarereal72 i meant to say better news than you think of course

unicornsarereal72 · 13/07/2022 20:32

@AnxietyLevelMax oh my. That must so much harder them being so far away. I'm sure your dad is just trying to protect you. I hope you get to see them soon. My dad is 77. Has been a big drinker and smoker all his adult life so I knew it was coming. I was just hopefully he would get lucky. I think best out come is chemo to give us maybe a year or two. But just got to make the most of now. Which I want to do if I could just stop bloody crying.

Wallawallakoala · 14/07/2022 21:37

I was thinking this today, like how do you make the most of now when you know what's ahead. How do you get the motivation to do nice things and make nice memories when the pain and heartbreak is just overwhelming

AnxietyLevelMax · 14/07/2022 22:15

we don’t. Not because we don’t want to but I just cannot start doing more fun things and have more time together and be happy for it because i will have more nice memories. Sounds horrible. It might be different for everyone of course. I cannot stop thinking of whats gonna happen at the end, how will i cope, how will my mom cope, she will get very depressed and how will i cope with that on the top of everything. i am so so scared. doesnt even talk to my husband about any of that because it will cause complete meltdown on my side and i am scared i wont be able to stop crying .

unicornsarereal72 · 15/07/2022 06:31

No idea either. In my mind it's not about planning fun things it is just spending time with my dad. I am going with the kids this weekend so they can see him now before he may look sick. I know I've got to keep it together for them. But I just want to hide from it all.

Ironically I work with people who have a genetic degenerative condition. And tell them To live in the now. Stupid thing to say. I now know that isnt actually very easy to do.

ButnotforLola · 15/07/2022 07:59

Hi, have you room for another?
Found out yesterday that my Dad has a growth on his right lung. He had a x-ray and CT scan plus bloods in past three weeks.
Consultant wants him to have a bronchoscopy(?) to confirm a lung cancer diagnosis. He also needs further bloods as there were anomalies on first set.
Apologies if this doesn't sound right but he wouldn't let me go to appointment with him so this is what he told me after.
So worried for him. He can't hardly speak a sentence without severely coughing and has lost a lot of weight recently.
I'm an only child and he's divorced from my mum. Feeling selfish as I feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment.
Sorry for rambling, it feels good to get it written down.

unicornsarereal72 · 15/07/2022 09:18

@ButnotforLola that sounds so difficult for you. Once the shock has settled it is easier to be more practical. Have you got the contact details of the nurse involved. Ours has been amazing at keeping us informed. Hope you have some support around you at the difficult time.

Justmuddlingalong · 15/07/2022 22:46

Sadly, we were called into the hospital this morning, as BIL had taken a turn for the worse. We were able to be with him for an hour before he died peacefully.
5 weeks ago tomorrow he was diagnosed.
We are so numb, but grateful that we were able to be with him at the end.
Sending hope and love to others who continue on this horrendous journey.

AnxietyLevelMax · 15/07/2022 23:04

@Justmuddlingalong i am so sorry for your loss. 🌸 how is ur sister coping?

Justmuddlingalong · 15/07/2022 23:15

Thank you. He was my DP's big brother. I think the fact that he just slept away comforts him. So although he's incredibly sad and upset, he's kind of glad his DB's not suffering any more.

AnxietyLevelMax · 15/07/2022 23:23

@Justmuddlingalong life is so unfair. I am sorry again.

Triplediagnosis · 16/07/2022 00:57

Have named changed for this as could be outing.

Basically, I took my dad to a&e (with my mum) because he was in pain with abdominal hernia. He was told he needs an op after scanning. He got called into outpatients a couple of days after the scan and we were pretty sure it would be bad news of some sort. My mum went in with him and when we spoke afterwards he'd been seen by a bowel doctor as "some tumours" had shown up on the scan. According to my mum the dr (who was great) had said not much treatment would be available and things would be "grim" and consider moving or adapting your phone.

To add to this they'd got home from this appointment to find a letter that said a fracture had been found in his back during the scan! (He'd fallen over a few months ago during his exercises). Then on the same day (!!!!) he went with mum to the memory clinic to get the results from a brain scan he'd had earlier - he has dementia. So in one day he was diagnosed with bowel tumours, broken back and dementia!!!

He is 87 ( mum is nearly 86 and has v. poor mobility) and had a heart attack in autumn 2029 and another hospitalisation a bit later with some kind of brain clot. Apart from that and some confusion/short term memory issues he didn't seem in bad nick.

I'd hoped he'd have a few more years and, maybe, died peacefully in his sleep of heart failure at some point. Even if he still does I just feel so sad that he's had this horrible diagnosis and upset and probably misery from cancer.

He's due a colonoscopy in a week or so and then I suppose we'll all know more.

Triplediagnosis · 16/07/2022 00:58

adapting your home* not phone Confused