Bad news today, feeling sick and teary.

[BonApp]

My dad might be ill. I don't want to go into details but some further tests will reveal things properly in the coming weeks.

He was in tears when he told me today. I live abroad so we were chatting over Skype. I am going home in a few weeks thankfully so don't need to rush back, but I do feel bad for living elsewhere. And in fact I posted recently about this being one of my fears (parents health declining whilst I am in a different country). My sibling lives abroad too, much further than me.

My head is racing with thoughts of the short/medium/long-term. I know it's futile to speculate or worry until we know what we're dealing with but I've felt sick all day.

This is my dad. My hero. He's driven me up the wall as he's got older but I love him so much. We were supposed to be planning his 70th birthday celebrations but now nothing looks certain.

I knew the time would come when my parents would become elderly or experience poor-health but I'm not ready yet. And my dad isn't either.

Not sure why I'm posting really.

He's coming here next week and staying for a nice amount of time, along with my brother. I can't wait! Really looking forward to being close to him and spending some time together. We will then be back in the UK in October. I'll deffo go back in November as and when I can and then we'll be back all over Christmas. And that's about as far ahead as we can think at this point in time....

Hope you're holding up ok hot and jools and anyone else in this horrible horrible situation.

bon it's horrible when it suddenly hits you, I remember that feeling, just dad saying something and I would suddenly remember how sick he was. Cherish your time all together, that's so special.⚘
I've been busy organising things. Went to the bank today to sort dads account and took mum to buy a funeral outfit I hadn't cried for a couple of days then tonight I read a verse that we are using at the funeral and it set me off.
DS is struggling at the moment. He's 20 & has never been to a funeral, I think it's suddenly sinking in....such tough times.

I found it so hard telling my children @Jools, my eldest is 11 and the funeral was her second day at secondary school. I'm so amazed at how they are handling it...so much better than me. Bank accounts and Wills are a nightmare at the moment for me.... it breaks my heart. It feels like I'm talking about someone else's Dad, not mine.

jools hope you and your DC and your DM are holding up ok and same for you hot

Work has been intense but has kept me sane this week. I find myself randomly in tears without the focus of work.

I'm feeling anxious about seeing dad. I can't wait but at the same time worried I'll just be an emotional wreck the whole time too. As if having him here will make it the more real.

I'm also starting to worry about my stepmum being alone "after". I'm so sad for her. She is devoted to my dad, doesn't have children of her own and my brother and I don't live there. Her oldest/bestest friends and family are scattered around the country. She has got local friends and hobbies/interests too but I just don't know what she'll do. I don't know whether she'll stay in their house as I suspect it'll be too big for her alone and then where would she go?

My brothers world has literally been turned upside down too.

This is all so sad. And the worst of it is once it's all over, dad will be gone. Just gone.

Also I'm totally lost with how to be. I don't know whether I need to out on a brace face and support everyone? Or how much I'm supposed to talk about how I'm feeling or how I'm managing?

I'm such a typical oldest-child people pleaser but I just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.

Is it ok to cry in front of dad? He must find that so hard to see. I'm now worrying I've shared too much with him on how I've been (I mentioned I cried at work for example) and I don't want to be an extra burden for him.

Same with my stepmum. Whilst it's hard for me it must be fucking horrific for her. She'll be the one seeing dad in pain every day and the one supporting him emotionally ok a daily basis. But do I show her how I feel or should I be strong?

There no bloody guidance or instructions is there.

No, it's absolutely horrible. Dad's situation was slightly different... he knew he had it but not that it was terminal. We decided not to tell him on the doctors advice. That was hard. He never mentioned it to me (I have awful health anxiety around it, and Dad knew, bless him) so he was protecting me really - he did talk to DH about it though. I never cried in front of Dad, until the last few hours, he hated to see me cry when mum was dying, so I felt that I had to be strong for him. Looking back though, I worry that he never thought I cared? Silly really because I couldn't have loved him any more than I did/do.
Seeing Dad after mum died broke my heart, 42 years they were married. I could go home to my DH and DC's but Dad had to be reminded of it every minute, as mum wasn't there.

It's so so tough. Bon just see how your dad plays it. Be led by him. My dad was mostly positive. A few weeks ago he got angry saying he had no quality of life etc and he was scared. I then broke down in front of him, (never done it before!) & he was upset that he'd made me upset!!
But I think it made us even closer. We were very honest with each other, he was so afraid of leaving my mum behind, they had been together since they were 15!!
I'm also the oldest child and have put on a 'strong' exterior but it doesn't fool my mum or DH
I hate the thought of mum at home alone, but what can I do except support her and be there for her?
I'm glad I told my dad I loved him before he died, he was in a very deep sleep but I like to think he heard me.

How are you all doing? Xx

Hi hot how are you doing? I hope you are having some good days amongst the grief.
I'm not too bad, the funeral is Wednesday which I'm dreading. Been busy organising everything for that as well as practical things, car, insurance, bank etc so had plenty to do.
I had a bit of a melt down this morning when writing a card for the flowers. Then I came across a photo of dad on my phone which caught me by surprise I still can't believe he's gone! It's horrible! !
Mum is putting on a brave face bless her but I know she's struggling. I think the funeral will knock her for six.
bon I hope you are doing OK too. Is your dad visiting now? I hope you can spend some quality time with him

Sorry name change fail! I'm MyGuideJools!

@LavenderRainbow it sounds awful but in my experience the time between my parents passing away and their funerals were the most difficult apart from the funeral day  Not that it's all magically disappeared now, I'm still crying and I think in denial a bit. Doesn't seem real. It's hard trying to be strong for everyone else isn't it? Xxx
Hope you are okay @BonApp xx

We're a few months further along the journey than you. My dad's lymph node was hard and he got that tested a few months ago. He got a cancer diagnosis a couple of weeks after that. We are now on the other side after 6 scary months. He'll never be 100% due to scars and the possibility of it returning. But we are happy as it could have been so much worse.

I took it badly when I first learned of his diagnosis. There's no way around that, you've just got to feel it. Let your dad lead the way, it's his illness. If he wants the family to meet up, do it. If he prefers to potter in the garden, let him do it. Don't over fuss him or act different. But if you've got that kind of relationship, be open about the diagnosis and treatment.

Good luck.

Hi all, doing ok here. DH had a bit of a meltdown at the weekend. I think he'd been trying to be strong for me, but the stress of getting the house sorted for visitors and everything else just bubbled up. He loves my dad and in a lot of ways is closer to him than his own dad. This means a lot to me and whilst difficult to see DH so upset, also made me feel proud of the relationship that's grown between them.

Dad arrives later today :) Very excited. Though nervous too. I'm fretting a bit about not having planned anything "special". I don't know whether that might be a bit much or a nice touch. Dad's not been venturing very far (shop for a paper, doctors/hosp and the pub to watch the football) so I don't want to overwhelm him, yet want to make the most of this time, especially whilst he's still in ok health. DH thinks we should have a family meeting and discuss it, which is probably the best idea. He's good at being rational despite me hating his face again at the mo, poor bloke

Dad had another scan yesterday, showed some slight growth which was to be expected as the last scan was 3 months ago. But no additional doom or gloom info to digest. I'm still a bit confused that if it's not spread much and has been caught early that we are still looking at 6 months. I guess there'll be a fairly rapid decline which is really scary...

I'm really struggling to think of the future, in terms of making plans and thinking ahead in the next few months. With the seasons changing it feels like time is racing a bit, and I keep thinking of all dad's "lasts" in that he may not see another summer and things like that. And planning winter events here is a big deal yet it feels so wrong to be carrying on as if nothing else will happen...

Lavendar/Jools sending you best wishes for the funeral on Wednesday. I'm sure it won't be easy, but I hope there is some comfort in it too.

hot how are you?

puckered So sorry you're going through similar and from your post it seems there is a positive outcome to your dad's situation. We are happy to follow dad's lead, he's stubborn anyway, so we won't have much choice!

Love to any others reading going through tough times at the mo....

Thanks bon I hope you have some precious time with your dad and are able to talk about what's to come, I think that's a good idea, then everyone knows how he wants to play it. My dad was very much outspoken about what was what
I still can't get my head around the actual disease, it seems unlike other cancers. They couldn't find it in my dad on scans or in lung fluid. They only finally found it from the biopsy, so if he had declined that we'd be none the wiser!
Dad got gradually worse after the biopsy /chest drain but the end was so fast but that was the pneumonia taking over.
I am going to go to the inquest I've decided. I know it will be hard but I think it may help me understand more.
Thanks for the good wishes for the funeral. It still seems surreal that it's my dad's funeral that I'm planning!

So sorry bon I feel I've been a bit insensitive talking about dads illness. I hope I haven't upset you ⚘

Not at all jools, I feel like I'm being insensitive saying I'm looking forward to seeing my dad. I hope my posts don't come across like that. I am much better when I know what's coming rather than sticking my head in the sand. So the fact that you're a little further ahead than me in this shortness is kind of helping me prepare.

I have no idea what is involved at an inquest but I think I would want to go too, knowing that it couldn't change anything but may explain things and not leave things unanswered.

I know what you mean about it being my dad. Yeah everyone's got a dad and may have to face experience them dying, but when all this applies to your very own it's much much bigger than any passing comment when someone else says "my dad's ill" or "I lost my dad". Though at the same time it's making me realize just how much pain there is in the world when people do say that, that they've all faced the shock of the news, the horror of accepting it and the utter heartbreak during the journey to, the arrival at, and trying to live after "the end". My heart aches for my children who will also have to go through losing loved ones when they are older. But I also love seeing them with my DH knowing I would've been the same with my dad when I was little (they are 5 and 3).

I am worried about winter coming with all the bugs and germs and how dad may be vulnerable.

Re the disease I feel like we shouldn't just accept it, that maybe we should be pushing someone somewhere for something else. But then I am really afraid of false hope, I don't think I could cope with the up and down of that. But to just hear what it is and go "oh right, that's that then, game over" feels like it's not enough and is really making me realize just how very very short life is.

*in this shitness

bon I agree. I wished I had asked more questions. Dad's oncologist visited him in hospital the day before he died, as dad couldn't make the outpatient appointment. He did a scan and said we can't do any chemo until you get rid of that infection so we will see you in a month but will give you steroids in the meantime. Next day dad was gone! I just can't get my head round it.

And never again will I just say "oh dear" when someone tells me they've lost a parent.

So dad's here. Lovely to see him but he's very subdued and quiet and a bit grumpy. He's definitely nowhere near as upbeat as he was a month ago when we last saw him, but then I guess he's had an aggressive cancer diagnosis since then.

I think he found the traveling quite tough and he's sat on the sofa reading his kindle since he's been here. That in itself is fine though I hadn't expected him to be quite so inactive really.

The children are thrilled to see everyone.

I don't know how to cheer dad up though. He just seems so fed up. I don't know if it's because he's overwhelmed by seeing us all (my bro and SIL are also here after moving back from Oz), or sad that this is showing him what he'll be leaving behind, or in pain/discomfort or what really. I can't work out if he wants to talk about the illness or not. It's a bit like he feels he's no longer a participant but an observer. I think he's giving up....

I'd really thought from the phone and FaceTime conversations he was "still fine in himself" but he's not, things have changed already...

Oh bon that's heartbreaking maybe he's just overwhelmed by everyone being there. Are you able to have a chat with him alone? How long is he staying with you for?
Who knows what is going through his mind?! It's probably bittersweet having all his family together.
When my brother and his wife travelled up to see dad in hospital after his diagnosis dad cried when they went home. It must be so hard for them to stay positive.
I really feel for you xx
(Feel free to pm)

I had a quick chat and cry with him. He seemed a bit more lively after that. He said he's ok and enjoying being here. We'll venture out today (which I think he's a bit apprehensive about). His arm is really painful with nerve pain (seems this is from the pleurodesis. But I think getting out will help.

My poor old dad.

bon I'm glad you had a chat. Be led by dad. I hope you have a good day today and that your dad isn't in too much pain. Does he have pain meds from the hospital?
Looks sunny here so I hope you can all enjoy some sun today⚘

Hi @BonApp @MyGuideJools How are you both doing? Xx

Hi hot I mentioned you in another thread earlier. I have been wondering how you are doing? ⚘
I'm not too bad thanks, i have good and bad days, seeing mum every day just try and get her to the shops or for lunch or something. I still find it hard to believe that dad isn't here, sat in his chair, but I'm not crying so much which I suppose is good. I'm still off work but on annual leave now so will go back in a couple of weeks.
I'm hating seeing Xmas stuff in shops, dad loved Xmas.