Bad news today, feeling sick and teary.

[BonApp]

My dad might be ill. I don't want to go into details but some further tests will reveal things properly in the coming weeks.

He was in tears when he told me today. I live abroad so we were chatting over Skype. I am going home in a few weeks thankfully so don't need to rush back, but I do feel bad for living elsewhere. And in fact I posted recently about this being one of my fears (parents health declining whilst I am in a different country). My sibling lives abroad too, much further than me.

My head is racing with thoughts of the short/medium/long-term. I know it's futile to speculate or worry until we know what we're dealing with but I've felt sick all day.

This is my dad. My hero. He's driven me up the wall as he's got older but I love him so much. We were supposed to be planning his 70th birthday celebrations but now nothing looks certain.

I knew the time would come when my parents would become elderly or experience poor-health but I'm not ready yet. And my dad isn't either.

Not sure why I'm posting really.

jools sorry the Xmas stuff is hurting. It's a long way off yet so try to ignore it..

hot how are you?

Dad's still visiting but he's not up to much.

I burst into tears at work today, my team were asking how dad was and I thought I was ok but then the tears took me by surprise. Thought I'd sorted myself out, sat back at my desk and my boss looked at me and I burst into bigger tears! Just covered my face and blubbed. My boss didn't know what to do bless him. But he was kind and pragmatic. This was 9 minutes before a meeting with a senior person so I had to get it together. I had no make up with me but somehow managed to get a grip but it was bloody hard-going. I feel a bit silly tbh. I dunno. I've felt teary on and off all day. I'm had an email first thing from the lovely lady at work who retired and she said "my goodness you are under enormous pressure with getting used to being a new country, two young children, a big job, and a poorly father" and sympathy tends to make me wobble so I guess it set the tone for the day. I've been going to bed too late too which probably doesn't help.

Right. I'm off to eat chocolate and watch a film with dad that he's been going on about for YEARS!

Hugs/wine to anyone needing them xx

bon I was/am like that wheno someone offers sympathy, I just blub! I popped into work to sort out my shifts and sat and cried when everyone was being kind.
What film are you watching? Hope you have wine and popcorn

How is your mum @MyGuideJools? We still don’t have Dad’s ashes back, collecting them tomorrow but dreading it.... I’m managing not to cry every day but things keep reminding me of them both and I just cry. It’s my birthday next month and I’m dreading that too.
@BonApp I cried at work too. It’s totally okay xxx enjoy your time with Dad tonight xx

hot my mum is OK, she puts on a brave face but like me, cries at random things. She has found a lovely photo of dad to put near his chair. I feel so sad thinking about her sat at home alone.
You will get through your birthday and they will both be together looking down on you⚘
I hope everything goes well with the Ashes, have you got plans for them? I have no idea what mum wants to do with dad's .

When mum died, dad asked me that when he died, I would put their ashes together. We decided that after I’d done that, the ashes would be buried in a family plot and a headstone made. X

hot that's a lovely idea. We did that with my in laws ashes. Dad's parents are both scattered in the crems garden of rememberence but that just seems so impersonal.

We're just sending this thread over to life-limiting illness at the OP's request.

OP.

Thank you.

Sorry to jump on board when I really have no experience or knowledge in what you're talking about. Feel bad that I feel like I've read a private conversation between you all but I just wanted to say how much my heart and thoughts are with you all, and how I can't imagine what you're all going through but I have every admiration for your strength even if it feels involuntary and how you're all supporting each other.
Life can be so cruel sometimes, it's so easy to forget that and take the people we love for granted. I'm sorry for all the losses and struggles you're going through and although it's of no help to you, know that you're all in my thoughts

@4evernamechanging Thank you x

Thank you 4ever⚘

Hi all just a quick check-in. All ok here. We had a truly lovely time when dad etc visited us here and we'll be popping back to the UK for part of half-term.

Dad seems alright. My brother said that visiting us seems to have lifted them (dad and stepmum) out of the fog a bit and that they seem perkier in general for it which is good.

I miss him though. Couldn't work out how I felt for a bit. It a different sadness then I realised I'd just enjoyed having him here abs being close physically.

I also feel guilty that life here just goes on and that it's somehow easier for me and DH as we're not living it every minute like dad/stepmum are, or even how my brother is now he's back.

On a lighter note, my brother and his lovely fiancée have decided to get married in just a few weeks time!!!! This will be a good focus for everyone I think. It's a perfect excuse for me to get back into exercising, mainly to lose a few pounds but I know it will also be good for the soul / mental health.

We are away just us (me, DH and the DC) this coming weekend. I can't wait, looking forward to a change/break though then feel guilt for saying that

So bloody confusing and heavy emotionally.

4ever thank you for the kind words, it's really amazing how much it helps to have this from "strangers on the internet". DH thinks I'm weird for chatting on here but it's been such a place of comfort for me. The other ladies posting are so amazing and kind sharing good wishes whilst also going through tough times themselves.

@BonApp Lovely that you are going away this weekend, anywhere nice? Wedding sounds like something positive to look forward to too, nice thing for Dad to focus on, glad that he’s doing as well as expected. Xx

bonapp

How are you hot and jools (and anyone else)?

All is ok here. I'm feeling a bit too far removed from dad and that it's all so bloody surreal. I think he's alright, daily texts and photos indicate that, but it's not the same as seeing him in the flesh. I will be back in the UK next week though, then every 2 weeks after that til Xmas I think.

I still find this weirdly hard to talk about with my friends tbh. I don't know why. I'm usually not one to hold back but this I just don't want to chat about with them really. In fact I don't want to chat to them much at all - their day to day chatter is refreshing but feels unimportant (to me) so I end up feeling a bit selfish, but then beat myself up a bit for feeling like I'm losing perspective and letting this take over all else.

More confusion. I really didn't expect confusion in amongst the sadness.

bon it's all so surreal isn't it?!
Me and DH have come away on holiday, I wasn't keen but it was booked in January when dad was fine and dandy
I cried on the beach yesterday as I always sent dad daily photos but now I cant
I can't be bothered to be sociable with people, I just want to shout at them that I've lost my dad even typing this is making me cry. When will things improve?
Hugs to you bon

Oh jools. It's very early days. I'm sure somehow you the change of scenery/pace will be a good thing, even if it doesn't feel it right now. Being sociable on holiday at the best of times is blah for me. Just hunker form with a book and DH (in the sun if there is any where you are).

"Just hunker down" that should say... now I don't even know if hunker is a real word

Hello all - I’ve just read the entire thread and am not sure how I’ve missed it up to now.

My beloved dad has had a relapse of the leukaemia he had last year. He was given a stem cell transplant in November which we had high hopes for, and after a few blips, he recovered amazingly well from it. He even won a golf competition last month which was a real high point! Then he got a call after one of his check up appointments to say his bloods looked ‘odd’ - he went to see his consultant the next day & was told it was likely they were looking at a relapse which was ‘a desperately bad situation’ given the short timeframe between his transplant and relapse. Quote from his consultant there.

Sadly the relapse was confirmed but Dad was happy to find out that they could give him some treatment to delay the progression - it’s not chemo, as that’s not suitable after a transplant. The treatment has been known to cure some patients but mostly just prolongs life.

He went o hospital with a raised temperature on Wednesday evening and was diagnosed with a chest infection. He’s still in hospital now but is improving.

It’s so fucking shit. Can’t believe I’m probably going to have to face a world without my dad at some point in the next few years. It’s so unfair.

@DeathByMascara Sorry to hear about your Dad
It was my birthday on Thursday, first one without my Mum and Dad. It made me cry ☹️ Really hoping it gets easier xxx

mascara that's tough. We were a bit like that with my dad. In and out of hospital thinking he was doing well, then relapses then all of a sudden he was gone. My heart goes out to you
bon we are in the sun, I've hunkered down and almost finished one book! I just keep wanting to send photos to dad, so instead I just type out texts pretending I'm sending them. 🙈

@deathbymascara so sorry to see this re your dad. Is he out of hospital now? I hope the treatment can help somewhat. Knowing what's to come is just horrendous isn't it.

@hotpinkangel19 this must've been a hard birthday for you. How are you doing generally?

@myguidejools hope the holiday has given you some headspace even if you didn't feel like you wanted to be there. I think I'll still text my dad for a while after he's gone.

Sorry I've been quiet, we've been away/traveling back to the uk (where we are now). Dad's ok and when we first got here he seemed pretty chipper tbh and again was saying other than the nerve pain he didn't feel that different. However, he went cold turkey on both his morphine and amitriptyline, because he wasn't convinced either were actually working on the nerve pain, and has experienced a few withdrawal symptoms so I think regrets doing that without talking to the doc first. He sees them on Monday so I guess can talk it through then. And I don't think he'll mess with his drugs himself next time......... he was very weary and breathless yesterday so didn't do much other than potter around.

Dad and stepmum gone on holiday after they left us so have been away from home for the best part of a month and whilst they were pleased to get home I think it did them a world of good to have the change of scenery. Though also quite hard as it was the first "goodbye" with the owners of the hotel they've been going to for 5 years. But spirits seem high, I just hope that continues really and they don't slip into a fog again like they were in before they came to see us.

Dad was talking about money stuff the other day and my stepmum got very upset. All that stuff (eg managing finances) is so overwhelming for her. I'm very worried about how she'll cope alone tbh, especially as my brother and I both live abroad. It's all so heartbreaking. I haven't spoken to her about anything yet. I don't know if she wants to or feels ready to. And I also feel a bit funny about asking her if she knows what she might do in case it sounds like I see it as her problem alone. Her whole life here is built around my dad, her family aren't near here, and then we're not here either. Sure she's got friends and hobbies she does here but it's not the same as family is it.

My brothers wedding plans are coming on well though so that is something nice to look forward to. I will be back in the uk every other weekend between now and xmas, which feels manageable with work and home. All the Xmas stuff coming out is horrible though, it's such a milestone ("it's reasonable for you to see Xmas but anything much past that will be a bonus" is what the oncologist said). I can't bear the build up or the countdown. The passing of time is so painful.

I'm still in shock that everything will be turned upside down. And that really, this is just the beginning and that it doesn't end with dad going, it will be a very long road ahead.

Bonapp good to hear from you (shit circumstances tho)
I'm glad you are back in the UK and that your dad is able to 'Potter'
I know what you mean about Xmas, I am hating seeing everything in the shops. I had no idea that last Xmas would be dad's last one, nobody did. In fact his new years resolution was to stay out of hospital this year and now he's gone!!
I hope your dad lasts a long long time past Xmas, but I know you are cherishing every minute ⚘⚘

hotpink how are things with you? was your birthday? Sending love⚘⚘